Hey hey hey...I'm back...

I just enjoyed a fabulously somewhat boring week and a half iced in...no school, no work...just the house. My little man did some new amazing things though...he gave me homework to do, remembered that it was due the next day and I got in trouble for not having it done. His new favorite question is asking did I pee on myself...I'm not sure where he got that from. He is helping me cook more and more and tells me when to go to bed. He still can get whinny and clingy but hey he is still little. I love it when he shows his muscles and grits his teeth then runs full speed straight at you just to stop a little short of you and laugh.

I did learn how to play spades during me ice vacation, it was fun. I like it a whole lot better than some other card games. Only I don't understand the whole renig thing. Its a strategy, then why can't I use it? Yeah its a gamble to win the books with but it makes the game more interesting...

I found out T is silently still asking about me, seeing how I'm doing. He says he is getting his head together, to see what he wants. I don't know how I feel about that. Truthfully, I'm at the point of pretty much asking for an arranged marriage. My heart is tired. I know with an arranged marriage that we are both in it for life, and I will grow to love him. I'm not saying thats what I'm doing...I'm just really tired. Truth is having someone new like that to just leap in and trust, work it out as you go in life, scares me. I just wish the committment was there to see it through. No worries though, time will tell.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of things with school and clinicals but I have to admit today was not a good day....I bombed 2 tests. I studied, and did the work...but got misunderstood, and did the wrong work in some cases and studied the hard material...overlooking the easy. Turns out the hard stuff wasn't on the test. And because it will be a month before we take another test...If I don't make a 77 on these tests then I am on academic probation...well not just me anyone who didn't make a 77 or better.

Now something that is really really bothering me...is my hair is falling out. I have a patch in the back of my head that is only about a 1/4 of an inch, and surrounding it my hair was about 4 -5inches long. I had Q cut it and try to disguise it but its really bothering me. I'm not sure why though, it really is just hair. It will grow back, now that I have cut my hair so short I don't worry so much about having good hair and no one can touch it. But at the same time, its freaking me out...

I'm only 21...yet I have so much on my plate. I'm faced with a bigger situation than I planned for and I can't bring myself to say no. I don't know what to think about it. I can't see myself turning away a family in need, they have no where else to go. I don't have time to say, I don't want to deal with anyone but me today. Its just a bit overwhelming right now thats all. But hey life doesn't stop just because you need to take a breather.

Today at clinicals I felt more comfortable and confident about the choices I made. I did my best to communicate with the CNAs with respect but assertively. They reported to me about my assigned paitent and I had no problems doing any of my paperwork and my assesment on her. That leaves all of tomorrow to evaluate my care plan and see what other things I can get checked off my skills list.

I also met 2 new friends...a girl in my clincals who is also a single young black mother, is moving in about 2 blocks away from me. We are getting to talk to each other more and more. We have been through alot of the same things. Its easy to talk to her, because she knows how hard things are but at the same time, she has her head on straight. So I'm gonna enjoy having a new friend I can kick it with. The other friend is too new to talk about. Not sure where I stand on that one, but its fun getting to know them all the same.

I'm not sure what to write about really...I'm still feeling a sort of numbness. I'm excited and happy...I laugh pretty much all day. Yet there is alot inside me that I haven't voiced yet. I think I would be open enough to post it, especially here where I am anonymous for the most part...(wave to the family lol) only I have no idea how to form it into words.

I was talking to my Grandma last night and touched on some of it. Well mayby just blew on it a little. A certain Rabbi at my church told me somethings about myself Sunday that no one has really said before. How he knew to say those things to me had to be the grace of God because I don't talk about them. The part that keeps playing in my head is that he said, "You feel so alone even in a room full of people..." Its true I do...but there isn't any depression or sadness associated with it, I just don't feel really there...like I'm behind this glass wall. I can still enjoy people and their company but only to an extent...something is missing. Something in me isn't complete.

For the longest time I felt those feelings would go away when I got married...but I'm learning that it isn't about being married at all. True, there will be a completion...but untill that happens...what do I do? How do I put God in that place? The more I think about it, the more I see how much my attitude about things have to change. And believe me I am resisting it with everything in me. I'm afraid of where it calls me to go...

But even though I'm not saying "ok, ready set go..." and running towards the finish line...I am still feeling pushed. A gentle push but a push all the same. thats the only way I can account for not being worried about things going on around me. Somehow, from somewhere inside me, I have no doubt that it will be ok. So mayby I'm going whether I want to or not. It must mean I'm ready to take at least the first step...or that I'm long over due.

As much as I have talked, and laughed and listened the past few weeks...I find myself being even more quiet. I play with little man and talk to him more than anyone right now. Everyone else, I have to make myself talk to sometimes...its not because I'm upset or angry with them. I just feel like I'm speaking another language to them. So I enjoy what I can talk about, and leave the rest rolling around inside of me. I can't even find words to put it into a poem. So, I'm left in a numb state, looking at things from a distance.

But if this is what it takes to get where I am supposed to be, then God give me the grace to do it and I will.

Why do I feel so alone, when standing in a room full of people? Its not depression, i'm not sad...

1st week of clinicals

So I made it through my first week of clinicals!!! I'm at a darling little nursing home, and my first assignment was on the Alzheimer's unit. I would love to be able to tell you all the ins and outs of it but I can't because of confidentiality...

However, I can say this...I saw a paitent who needs some extra attention. I researched the problem, took it to my instructor with a way to help and asked if I could try it out with a Nurisng diagnosis and care plan. She agreed, she was so excited and proud of me. She teared up when I told her, she told me that I was being a "thinking Nurse" and she would ask the facility Nurse about it.

The remarkable thing about it was, how I saw it. I can't explain how it just jumped out at me. That one particular thing, that was hindering his progress. And the fact that my teacher trusted me to implement it and it was only my second day of clinicals!

She did, and at lunch today I was allowed to implement my plan...and IT WORKED!!! I was so excited...the results was a complete 180 from what I had seen at breakfast! It actually made a huge difference.

I reported all my findings to my Instructor and facility Nurse. What that facility Nurse decides to do with it, is his disgression. I hope though, he sees the dramatic progress and continues with the plan.

I couldn't be happier with my experience there... I have 2 more weeks there...can't wait to see what happens...

I'm going to be an LPN!

Ok so with the whole break up thing, I have really been evaluating myself...I'm not sure why really...I think I did everything I could have done. I'm not saying there wasn't anything I could have done differently...anyways back to the point.

So I have spent the last 3 days with Tricci...just chillin out. No work, no school, no family just me and her...it made me realize a couple of things about myself...

1. I don't wish to be without my little man, I love him so much.
2. That I'm full of layers...let me explain...
when T said I was beautiful, or gorgeous...I believed him. But not enough to think that anyone else would see me that way. I feel like no one would bother with getting to know me, I'm no model or skinny fashion girl you see in the mall. Yet, really if I look at myself...beauty is not my body, or the way I talk...no I'm not irresistable...but I'm worth getting to know. Even if its just as a friend. You know what its like to be with someone, just hangin out and for a split second when they laugh or make a face you see "them" who they really are...you can always find beauty in that. We don't allow ourselves to be shine like that often. That led me to the 3rd thing.
3. With or without a man, I don't have to be anyone's model...all I have to be is ME. I don't have to turn heads at the grocery store, no one has to dance with me or ask for my number...just as long as I can look in the mirror every night and see who I truly am...thats beauty enough.
4. Sometimes letting go is better than trying soo hard to hold on. No amount of love can make it better...I do not have to settle for a one-sided or sometimey relationship.
5. There is more to life than this situation...more to love than this hurt...more to integrity than the desire for vengance...

She was...

remarkably blinded...by what she wanted to see...
exquistely deaf...to things she did not want to hear...
completely committed...to the false projections of his intentions...


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There is not a whole lot to say other than...that. I would just like to say, I am ok. I have not cried in 2 days. I realized that as much as I love him, as much as I was hurt and disappointed. The sun DID rise the next morning without him. I CAN and WILL still be ME. So on to the next subject.

My little man beat-boxes! They are back from their Christmas vacation and I can really no longer call Baby boy that...So I'm changing him to Little Man! He is so amazing I have been
watching him and he has a whole new range of things to do. He now tells you to put your hands up before he tries to shoot you...his pronunciation is so much better than before. He saw a scratch on my face and grabbed my face between his little hands and asked if I had a owie. I told him yes and he asked if I wanted him to kiss it better. Then he did, the sweetest kiss, then told me it was all better. He has come home with more songs to sing, in just one week. Deck the halls and "I am a dinosaur"

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There is alot I would like to write on here...because there is more to me than my school, work, and family...if that wasn't enough to write about... but I'm not sure really what to write anymore. What makes me tick?