Today isn't much better than yesterday. The facts have sunk in a bit more and I am completely beside myelf. I want to scream and inside I am, but to let it out wouldn't do anything.

People choose all the time to do what makes them happy, so why does it bother me so when my dad chooses what makes him happy? Or my brother for the matter, which is a whole new topic.

K, here goes. My brother is 14 months younger than me. Before my son, we got along great. Now all I hear from him is how bad of a mother I am. Now to be honest, I'm not perfect I never will be (realizing that really popped my bubble) but I do not and have not in any way put my son in danger. I'm the one who feeds him, changes him, soothes him, tries my best to keep him healthy and happy. However, all my brother sees is that I'm a bad mother. Which really if he is being honest, he is just trying to make my life more complicated cause he is trying to manipulate the situation but hey I think to some degree in at least one situation we all do.

So, I thought maybe I could talk to him about it and see what in his eyes I could do to change that. His solve all answer was, not to be on the computer. Now what would that solve? Well that would give him free reign of the computer. Now tell me how that would make me a better mother? Needless to say that left me very confused and frustrated. My son lacks for nothing, he is a very happy baby and hardly cries at all. Granted there are times I could have used more paitence, and times I have just wanted to go to sleep. But those are thoughts that pass and I have never lost my temper with my son. I have never hit, shook or yelled at my son. If he has ever been hurt by me it was on accident when I tripped and ran into the wall carrying him.

I know I'm not the best mother to walk the Earth...so what is it that my brother sees that is so horrible? There must be something, I'm not so naieve to think that there is nothing I am doing wrong. I just want to be told, and for that matter told in love and not just treated like crap. I can handle the truth if I am told in love. But it only leaves me confused when I don't get a straight answer and leaves me hurt when its yelled across the house at me among curses and slamming doors or shoves and hisses.

He feels what I do on here is crap, I know that much...and despite my attempts to tell him he still holds his resolve. Actually thats what made me stop blogging in the first place. I gave all of my family the address and asked them to read it but they didn't, were to busy I think was the excuse. So when I took it off they could have cared less.

I am alll for second chances and beter communication so I guess thats why I started over again. I would love for them to get to know me.