In e-mailing my Father yesterday I told him I was blogging again. And that he was welcome to read it with the warning that "I'm not a little girl anymore" I knew it would be alot for him to read and take in, but it was the truth.

Thats one thing about testimonies...they are the horrible awful truth.

Thats part of the point of them...that even though you did all this awful, bad stuff; God loves you and saves you from yourself. That he forgives you. However, that does not exclude you from man's point-of-view on whatever you stated in your testimony.
Lets suffice it to say it will probably be along time before my Father visits my blog again. Thats not a bad thing...it just is.

It took alot for me to be able to write down the things I did, and its even hard for me to read them. I have debated several times if I should take that post off or not. But if I did it would only be my pride doing it. I am not a good person, by nature I am evil. Without God I am more than capable of all the horrible, disgusting things that we deem as wrong in Christianity or evne our society. What make me what I am today is God working in me, teaching me and guiding me. Its God that gives me a heart of flesh, capable of feelings like remorse and love, understanding, paitence, kindness, gentleness, grace and mercy. That why God's love and grace are such powerful, wonderful, amazing things. That is why I can't live without him.

I'm not proud of the things I did, nor the things I should have done but didn't do. When the bible says:

^{2 Corinthians 5:17
17}Therefore if any person is [ingrafted] in Christ (the Messiah) he is a new creation (a new creature altogether); the old [previous moral and spiritual condition] has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come!

Its a very true statement, I am living it. I have to everyday face temptations, and remind myself that I AM and NEW CREATION, my old self is dead. That doesn't mean I don't give into the tempations at times, but God is there to pick me back up again and love on me.

I don't think I can form into words just how this effects my life. And if one person can read this and it makes them rethink their life without God, or it makes them rethink the choices they are about to make, then its all worth it.

Bible Gateway.com

Space

I have really been aware of the stress that T has been under for a few weeks now. So I called him and asked him to share it with. So that we could walk through it together and he wouldn't feel like he had to on his own. He said he couldn't do that, it would worry me too much and I wouldn't understand... it was for him as the man to worry about it and handle it, and that included my worries and stresses too. I still felt and feel that its a two way street on this. I lean on him and he should be able to lean on me.

I told him that I would do my best to understand. In my other post when he referred to being stressed out with me, this was what he thought. "How can I take care of you and baby boy if I can't take care of myself, I have to get things straight and taken care of" I can understand that, even though I'm not asking him to be financially responsible for us, I know what he means and I really appreciate that he thinks about things like that. "Well, what do you want to happen, just tell me and I will understand..."

I was trying my best not to let my emotions get carried off with..."what did I do? Does he not love me anymore?" He said he just needed to get on his feet again, and find himself. Then as if he knew what I was thinking he said..." Its nothing you have or haven't done babe, and I would tell you if I didn't love you anymore. In fact I'm going to miss you more than I can say. But I need to do this for us." All I could do was breathe, I trusted what he said, he isn't "leaving", its for the best right now. And whinning or letting my feelings get hurt wouldn't help anything, I just have to trust and pray. I thought I was doing pretty good for "understanding" and said I would let him have his space yet if he needed anything I would be there for him. I was prepared to be "business like" and just say goodbye, but he said "I love you, babe I really do." That meant alot, I know him. He doesn't say things just to be nice, or say anything without brutal honesty. I told him I love him too, and really understood...I wasn't mad or upset. Then we hung up.

Now, I miss him already...if only I could presto-change-o and it all be better...but I am going to trust God and his process.

Testimony

After thinking it over a whole bunch, and reading certain posts on Travel The Road forum...I think its time to talk about it.

I was born and raised in a Christian family. I went to church every Sunday, Wednesday and special occasion. I knew the bible stories and had even seen many miracles.

My whole concept of christianity changed my Senior year in highschool. My family was no longer going to church and I didn't want to be associated as the "prissy goody good" anymore. That summer I started working with the football team. One of the players thought I was cute, but really I was just a game to him. I let myself get in the wrong position one afternoon and I wasn't the same after that. A couple weeks later I knew I was pregnant, I had morning sickness and it was hard to keep anything down. I didn't talk much, didn't hug and kiss my family as much, I watched the same movies over and over again. I didn't think about it, I didn't enjoy it...I just veggitated for a while hoping I wouldn't have to deal with it. One night my Mum asked me if I was pregnant and after telling her what happened, she took me to counselling and prepared me with my options. Have an abortion or quit school and raise the baby, tell the university your not coming in the fall. It was my choice. In my mind there was only one option, I couldn't give up school because some jerk decided to have his way with me. So, I planned to have the abortion. At home, it was the family secret...at school I had to act as if nothing was wrong. I still had to be sassy and happy, still had to work with the football team, still had to see that guy everyday and see his smirks. My office was right next door to the locker room, I'm not stupid...I know everyone else knew, but still I couldn't say anything. I just wrapped their ankles tighter, for comments I knew they had made...or made them sit out an extra game for an injury.

Then 2 weeks before my appt. an old aquaintance (T) showed up. I don't exactly know why I gave him the time of day. I wasn't exactly lovey dovey with the males at all. but he saw through that in me, he loved me for me. I only half believed him and thought as soon as I tell him whats going on, he will instantly stop loving me. So, the next day I told him. He hugged me and said it didn't change anything, and that if I wanted he would help me raise they baby as his own. I told him the choice I had made and he said ok. I know now that he was torn with my choice, he didn't want me to do that, but he understood how I felt.

The morning of the appt. I was restless, but I kept walking towards it. I got to the lobby and saw how many other people were there. With all kinds of situations...some were married and clinged to their husbands, others were there with friends or their mothers. Some were young, others older. I remember sitting there listening to the woman explain what was going to happen, she made it sound as if they were just removing a mole or cyst. They then escorted me to the back, away from my mother into a small room with an ultrasound. They needed to see where the baby was located. Thats when it hit me, I cried for my Mum but they wouldn't let her come back there. I refused to get on the table, all I could do was cry. My mind was screaming, my spirit was screaming, my body was nausiated. The nurse was obviously growing impaitent with me and another nurse came in to calm me down. She made it seems so "ok" I don't even remember what she said. Then I was laid on a table, with a sedative in my arm. the lights were a blur above me, and the last thing I felt was the nurse rubbing my arm saying i wouldn't remember a thing and it would be alright.

When I got home, I felt dead, empty, shame, anger, embarassed. I curled into a ball on my bed and just stared at the wall. I didn't think anything, I didn't say anything. I really only remember my Father peeking in the door, asking my Mum what he could do to help. He was torn inside too...I was his little girl so he didn't want me to hurt, but he greived for the baby too.

Two days later I had to put on the face again and go back to school. My best friend said I was just sick with a cold, and she held me in the bathrooms or in my office when she got the chance. Inside she hated me, she hated what I had done yet she loved on me. She was there for me. Tony was too, and with their help I made it through. We graduated, I was once again stoaked to be off for college...I made it ok, it never happened. Then my family split...I remember it like clock work. My father left for personal reasons I have stated before on this blog. The only safe place I could think of, the only place I wanted to be was in T's arms. So I went to his house. I cried and explained what happened, and he listened and held me. He comforted me and made love to me. I also left there different...

A couple weeks later an argument insued...I was going off to college and he was staying there. He didn't want to hold me back and knew I would have stayed if he said so, so he put me at a distance. I felt like he was angry with me, that it was over between us. So I went, and tried to make the best of it. I was only there about a week before I tried to get back in contact with T...I could only get a hold of his step-mother, and she read me like a book. She knew I was pregnant, and she told me his work number and hung up with me to call him and tell him. When I called him, we arranged to meet that weekend. Before the week was over, I miscarried...I cried so hard that night, missed my classes the next day crying. I fought with myself, I felt like I was broken. Still I had to buck up and get back into classes and make it work. That weekend if was awkward between us. At that point I didn't know what his step-mother had said or believed. So I said nothing, and he said nothing. We got into a tickle fight and when I guarded my stomach he knew what was up. I went back to campus, and went through another week, trying to make everyone else think I was ok. I drank, went clubbing and even worked with the football team again. I went home the next weekend and finally had a day with the house all to myself, I could just be me...pityful as I was. T came over and I finally told him what happened. I sat in his lap, in that cozy spot, crying and asking him not to be angry with me, telling him I was sorry I couldn't hold on to it, beating myself up as to why my body let the baby go... He held me and cried with me, he told me what his step-mother had told him and how upset he was that day we had the tickle fight. He said he knew then and just waited for me to come to him about it when I was ready. He said he had cried all that week and he isn't one to cry easily. Even though it hurt him that I didn't come to him sooner. But he still loved me, he still didn't want me to quit school so he let me go again.

Then I met Judgement, and we started talking and a friendship started half way around the world. He helped alot, he showed me things about myself I needed to see. He deserves more credit than I can write out. A month after we met...I was having morning sickness again...what happened? I hadn't seen Tony, I wasn't dating anyone at college. I sought out people who I thought could tell me what happened. Ahhhh....a party I got drunk at, but who? Either way, I decided I coulndn't give this one up, I had to hold onto it, even though I was devastated, crying more than smiling, missing classes, keeping to my room. I left school in January...never to return to that campus. It was like a night raid...an SUV showed up around 9pm we threw all mystuff in the back and drove off like nobodies business. I didn't tell my roomate I was leaving till I got into the car. Once home I was determined to make this baby special, to make the pregnancy a happy, joyful pregnancy. I started going to counselling again and started going to church again. I wanted to get back with God, I can't explain it, it was like an instinct and urge. I also needed to get in contact with my best friend again, and tell her I was sorry. I had no way of getting in contact with Tony, and I wouldn't even know what to say if I did. As it would be fated, we ran into each other in a toy store. It was the wrong time and place for him to see me pregnant, but he gave me the new number and said he would call. I was a wreck, I pretty much went on a distance trip again.

Then it hit me really hard...I was so wrong for having the abortion. I could feel baby boy move inside me, I could feel his little foot tap on my ribs. And I loved him so much already, he was the gift that my parents had always talked about. What made it ok in my mind to kill an innocent child? They didn't ask for aynthing, didn't foul up like I did. They were perfect, pure, special. Not only did I feel like a slut, pregnant 3 times in less than 12 months, I felt like the horrible baby killer I was. how could anyone love me? how could God let me keep living? what kind of a mother did I think I was going to be? how could i call myself a christian?

I kept going to church, I hungered so much for God. I couldn't get enough of him, yet I didn't feel like I was good enough for him to love. A couple families at our church befriended me and my family, prayed with us, loved on us, spent time with us. God began to talk with me again, or better yet..I was in the position to hear him talk to me. He laid things and people on my heart, checked me on my attitudes, kept me away from danger, gave me paitence and love, grace and mercy.

T came around a few times, he tried his best to be ok with it, to love me anyways. But he was angry, hurt and felt really betrayed. which is completely understandable. He would just repeat, "I always thought it would be my baby you were pregnant with" He said he had alot to work through to be with me again and would call me when he got through it. I had my own stuff to work through too, so I didn't fight him on it. I mean I didn't expect him to just be overjoyed and stay. In my mind he should have stoned me and kept going. Everyone should have. I'm so glad they didn't, even though I had to deal with the consequences of my actions.

The months past, and I was getting ready for a little boy. I setteled on a name, a strong meaningful name. I thought of all the things I wanted to do and to teach him. I wanted to rock him to sleep and sing to him everynight. I wanted to kiss him 1,000 times a day. I wanted to be the best mother I could be, the mother he needed me to be. I went to school while I was waiting for him to arrive and then decided to take a year off, I would breastfeed for that year. And everything would be put second to God and baby boy. He arrived, and I still made mistakes, I still put people through there paces. I still had to deal with "whos the father" "your not married?" "but your so young", "you were so bright" I had to deal with the condemnation of christians and non-christains alike.

I had the most perfect little boy, I loved being his mother. The church family was there at the hospital with me, singing to me to keep my mind off the contractions. I went home and started caring for this little treasure. He grew bigger and bigger and I loved the days I spent with him. I still wasn't perfect...made alot of mistakes, and hurt people in the process.

I am still working out relationships with my family and friends. I e-mail my Father with a new love and understanding. I am closer to my best friend, Tricci and she is enjoying being an Auntie. I'm in a very loving and committed relationship with T, we have come through so much together. I am firmly planted in our church, and growing closer and closer to God. I have learned so much in the spiritual realm, and that part of me grows daily and I have found the real meaning to Christianity. My life is enjoyably hard, being a christian does not make troubles disappear, but it gives you the hope, strength and courage to deal with life. And gives you the knowledge of life in heaven and everlasting love in Jesus Christ.

My Day the Funny Highlights

In the wee hours of the morning I woke up with this thought. "Why do I act that way?" that thought was in reference to men, why do I act the way I do around them? So while trying to drift back into sleep I thought it over.

There are only 6 men/boys in my life that I can relax around. My father, my two brothers, baby boy, Judgment and T. With them I can laugh and play, be serious, relax, whatever I feel at the time. And thats the way it should be. However, with other men its completly different. Its like I see them with someone else's eyes. Even if I have known them for years. Around these men I become quietly invisible, or at least I think that is my hope. I usually stand near something, like a wall or chair, car or what have you. Im cautiously aware of everything my body does, and how the things around me move. I try not to move unless I absolutly have to. When speaking to them, my answers are straight to the point and lacking detail, which is not my norm. It usually takes me a novella to say anything. Yet, when I have to deal with a man for my job, I usually do better. I still am not the Chatty Cathy I usually am with the 6 mentioned before. Or when I'm with the 6, especially when I'm with T, I'm able to be myself.

Now when it comes to exactly why I do this...I'm not completely sure. I suppose some Therapist would say because of my past I am weary of men. True, but why do I choose to "protect" myself that way? Why do I get that eerie, overwhelming feeling...like I'm in the spotlight of their attention? In past trial times I have tried to ignore those feelings of uncomfort and the want to be invisible, thinking that maybe I was missing out on a whole lot. So I made the mental note to relax regardless of that eerie feeling. In some instances it wasn't all that bad, in others I ended up, once again, receiving unwanted attention. So now days I play it by ear, at least starting out the conversation or passing without prejudging him. I'm still very aware of what I do and say, making sure that a smile is just a smile and that a "I hope you feel better" does not somehow translate to "What can I do to make you feel better", *wink wink*

Then after thinking all of that, I laughed... What struck me as funny was that of course a smile is just a smile. That this silent struggle goes unseen by many of those that meet me, and I probably just come off as being curt, which is not my intent at all.



Today started out really really sleepy and lazy. A storm went through and while I was up at 3:30am with baby boy he soon went back to sleep and that left me in a sleepy haze. I took my shower and washed some dishes, called T to say Good Morning and then went back to sleep. Well around 1pm he called me back. I knew something was wrong, he isn't very good as hiding that in his voice, but then again I don't want him to get good at that. So, anyways when I asked about it, his business deal had fallen through and he was bummed out about it. It was definetly not the time to ask for details. In an attempt to get his mind off of it he asked me what I was thinking. My thoughts were "Come over and lets talk about it and see if you feel better" I didn't expect for him to say, "Ok I'll be there in 20 min." When he got here, he let me sit in his lap and cuddle with him while he explained what was wrong, still lacking the details. I can understand that is him trying not to worry me...even though I already do. shhhh don't tell him. lol I had found my spot, the cozy spot on his chest and neck where I can hear him breath and his voice rumble in his chest and hear his heartbeat at the same time. I was listening in between kisses. -"Im just stressed out..."
-"Mhmm and what are you stressed out about?"
-"My job, moving out the house, you..."
-"Me? Why are you stressed out with me?"
-"Woman, I can't worry about you?"
-"I didn't say that but what has you worried?"
Then he got that look on his face, the look of don't worry about it and I love you. So I laid my head back down and kissed his neck. His caresses became so sweet and gentle at that moment. Then after a little silence we both said "I miss you" then laughed at thinking the same thing. "What do you miss?" he asked me. My answer was simple, "Everything, what do you miss?" "I miss almost everything"
-"almost everything?! What is it that you don't miss?"
-"Your brother and baby boy wanting my attention when I'm trying to give it to you."
I had to laugh at that, because that wasn't what I thought he would say. Its always funny when I think I have what he is going to say figured out, he says something completely different.
We continued talking and a little while later out of the blue he asked me what month it was and if I remembered the month. My mind raced through all the days in the month, my dad's and brother's birthday, baby boy turning 15 months, school starting and a really sad date from a couple years ago we don't talk about. I asked him why August was important, what was he referring to. "You'll see" was his only response. So I guess I will see...

So I thought ok he is feeling better, and is in kind of a playful mood. When he got up to go to the loo and get ready to go run errands, I put his keys in my pocket. He really looked for them for a while, and I played with Baby boy and smiled at him moving mail and asking baby boy if he had ran off with them. He finally asked, "Where are my keys?" I sweetly smiled and said, "What keys?" I said that because that is the most incrimminating thing I could have said without flat out saying I have them. But he didn't play along, he just held his hand out for the keys and smiled. I wasn't going to let go that easy, after all I was in a playful mood. I got up and walked through the house with baby boy and avoided going back into the living room. Still he wasn't playing my game. When he pointed out I was going to make him late and that he felt a bit better but still wasn't in the mood to play wrestle, I walked over to him and placed the keys in his hand. He kissed my forehead and nose, hugged and kissed baby boy who hugged and smiled back. Then he was gone. I went and sat on the couch and helped baby boy drink from his cup. The door blew back open and he said, "Thank you for listening and being there babe, I'll call you later... ( pausing he looked at the door) and what did I tell you about leaving the door unlocked?" There was no excuse as to why I left it unlocked, so I just smiled and got up to lock it. I appreciate that he looks out for our safety, especially after the shooting in our complex two weekends ago. So many people take it for granted that they still live and breathe....but thats another post.

I'm going to make spaghetti for dinner, I haven't made that in a while. I'm also going to work out today, I went Sunday night and got a good sweat going. I'm really excited about seeing myself under 200lbs again...and its just around the corner. Either way though, I feel glowingly beautiful and special.

I'm Back....ooo there's no doubt about it....I'm back!

Its been such a long time since I have written here, and its kind of funny that I am writting here now. So much has happened in these last months, I don't really know where to start. My inner self would say that I should write what is on my heart to write, because that always seems to work out best, even though it may not make any sense to others. So thats what I will write and my loved ones will understand where I am coming from.

Over these past months I have been trying to reason out all the whys and why nots about God and Christians. The biggest one being how is my life suppose to look? So for months all I listened to or watched on t.v was christain channels. I looked down on people struggling with Christianity without realizing it. Then about 2 months ago, I had my eyes opened. I'm struggling just as others are. I try to see people as the person they are working on being. I am working on not seeing all the bad they do, but believing the good and wanting sincerly to help them walk in that direction. Thats what I would want others to do with me. Watching christian shows didn't make me anymore of a christian than not. It didn't improve my walk with God. It didn't help me understand why we have our traditions. But one morning on the way home from a friends church, we got deep into conversation...."Why do we recognize that Christianity has its traditions and does not portray the body of Christ as it should but then look down on those who try to change it?" And turns out, I will have to trust God and step out of those traditions if I'm alone in it or not. Which is one step at a time...

Another thing I have been pondering over is the universe...literally. Did you know that our planet, moon, solar system, and sun are exactly placed for the best possible living conditions on Earth? That blows me away, I mean think about it. Think about how big the universe is and how small a cell or atom is. Each little thing is purposedly created and placed in its spot. And this God that put it all together loves you...YOU!

Dreams are another thing that seem to be taking up alot of my thoughts and energy. Some dreams I understand, but still they replay all the time...going over each detail. Then there are dreams that I don't understand. I'm not sure what to do with those dreams yet other than pray about them. Its hard to explain just how I feel about them.

I have been thinking about for the longest time exactly who I am. Its a funny place I'm at right now. I can appreciate the woman that I am, and while I still have questions as to why and how come, I am ok with the person I am. And the people that matter the most in my life accept that about me, for the most part. But everyone can't be pleased all the time.

I love that I like to submit, and yet I love that I can be one sassy woman if I put my mind to it. I love knowing that I'm not a push over and can handle myself, but love that I can put my trust in those I love to handle it. I love being feminine, soft natured and love doing the typical housewife stuff. I like that sometimes I'm hard to understand, it makes life more interesting. I like that I'm eclectic in many different things. I can honestly say I am gorgeous, for me. I don't like not being perfect, but I'm adjusting... lol. I'm not weak just because I am this way, for me it makes me stronger. And I love that there is more to me than a paragraph trying to explain all that I am. lol

I'm in awe with my son, he is the most mischeivous little boy I have ever laid eyes on. The thing that cracks me up is he really believes he can get away with it by just flashing a smile. and for the most part he does, unless its dangerous mischief. But boys will be boys, even if they are boys that put their finger up their noses or climb on the dishwasher lid, or drops things in the loo or franticaly pushes computer buttons. And when the time is right, I look forward to having another little boy or girl for us to have to love and cherish and for him to teach his mischievious ways to. And while T and I have been able to understand the hormones and baby fever, its becoming more of a growing desire for the both of us...but when the time is right.


My next post should be explaining all of that...and eventually I will get around to it.

There isn't really anything I can write that explains just how happy my heart is, how content and at peace I am. How loved I feel, and how comforted. Or how my love has grown for everyone around me & those in my thoughts. I guess you would just have to see it on my face, in the way I walk and the tone of my voice.