My Day the Funny Highlights

In the wee hours of the morning I woke up with this thought. "Why do I act that way?" that thought was in reference to men, why do I act the way I do around them? So while trying to drift back into sleep I thought it over.

There are only 6 men/boys in my life that I can relax around. My father, my two brothers, baby boy, Judgment and T. With them I can laugh and play, be serious, relax, whatever I feel at the time. And thats the way it should be. However, with other men its completly different. Its like I see them with someone else's eyes. Even if I have known them for years. Around these men I become quietly invisible, or at least I think that is my hope. I usually stand near something, like a wall or chair, car or what have you. Im cautiously aware of everything my body does, and how the things around me move. I try not to move unless I absolutly have to. When speaking to them, my answers are straight to the point and lacking detail, which is not my norm. It usually takes me a novella to say anything. Yet, when I have to deal with a man for my job, I usually do better. I still am not the Chatty Cathy I usually am with the 6 mentioned before. Or when I'm with the 6, especially when I'm with T, I'm able to be myself.

Now when it comes to exactly why I do this...I'm not completely sure. I suppose some Therapist would say because of my past I am weary of men. True, but why do I choose to "protect" myself that way? Why do I get that eerie, overwhelming feeling...like I'm in the spotlight of their attention? In past trial times I have tried to ignore those feelings of uncomfort and the want to be invisible, thinking that maybe I was missing out on a whole lot. So I made the mental note to relax regardless of that eerie feeling. In some instances it wasn't all that bad, in others I ended up, once again, receiving unwanted attention. So now days I play it by ear, at least starting out the conversation or passing without prejudging him. I'm still very aware of what I do and say, making sure that a smile is just a smile and that a "I hope you feel better" does not somehow translate to "What can I do to make you feel better", *wink wink*

Then after thinking all of that, I laughed... What struck me as funny was that of course a smile is just a smile. That this silent struggle goes unseen by many of those that meet me, and I probably just come off as being curt, which is not my intent at all.



Today started out really really sleepy and lazy. A storm went through and while I was up at 3:30am with baby boy he soon went back to sleep and that left me in a sleepy haze. I took my shower and washed some dishes, called T to say Good Morning and then went back to sleep. Well around 1pm he called me back. I knew something was wrong, he isn't very good as hiding that in his voice, but then again I don't want him to get good at that. So, anyways when I asked about it, his business deal had fallen through and he was bummed out about it. It was definetly not the time to ask for details. In an attempt to get his mind off of it he asked me what I was thinking. My thoughts were "Come over and lets talk about it and see if you feel better" I didn't expect for him to say, "Ok I'll be there in 20 min." When he got here, he let me sit in his lap and cuddle with him while he explained what was wrong, still lacking the details. I can understand that is him trying not to worry me...even though I already do. shhhh don't tell him. lol I had found my spot, the cozy spot on his chest and neck where I can hear him breath and his voice rumble in his chest and hear his heartbeat at the same time. I was listening in between kisses. -"Im just stressed out..."
-"Mhmm and what are you stressed out about?"
-"My job, moving out the house, you..."
-"Me? Why are you stressed out with me?"
-"Woman, I can't worry about you?"
-"I didn't say that but what has you worried?"
Then he got that look on his face, the look of don't worry about it and I love you. So I laid my head back down and kissed his neck. His caresses became so sweet and gentle at that moment. Then after a little silence we both said "I miss you" then laughed at thinking the same thing. "What do you miss?" he asked me. My answer was simple, "Everything, what do you miss?" "I miss almost everything"
-"almost everything?! What is it that you don't miss?"
-"Your brother and baby boy wanting my attention when I'm trying to give it to you."
I had to laugh at that, because that wasn't what I thought he would say. Its always funny when I think I have what he is going to say figured out, he says something completely different.
We continued talking and a little while later out of the blue he asked me what month it was and if I remembered the month. My mind raced through all the days in the month, my dad's and brother's birthday, baby boy turning 15 months, school starting and a really sad date from a couple years ago we don't talk about. I asked him why August was important, what was he referring to. "You'll see" was his only response. So I guess I will see...

So I thought ok he is feeling better, and is in kind of a playful mood. When he got up to go to the loo and get ready to go run errands, I put his keys in my pocket. He really looked for them for a while, and I played with Baby boy and smiled at him moving mail and asking baby boy if he had ran off with them. He finally asked, "Where are my keys?" I sweetly smiled and said, "What keys?" I said that because that is the most incrimminating thing I could have said without flat out saying I have them. But he didn't play along, he just held his hand out for the keys and smiled. I wasn't going to let go that easy, after all I was in a playful mood. I got up and walked through the house with baby boy and avoided going back into the living room. Still he wasn't playing my game. When he pointed out I was going to make him late and that he felt a bit better but still wasn't in the mood to play wrestle, I walked over to him and placed the keys in his hand. He kissed my forehead and nose, hugged and kissed baby boy who hugged and smiled back. Then he was gone. I went and sat on the couch and helped baby boy drink from his cup. The door blew back open and he said, "Thank you for listening and being there babe, I'll call you later... ( pausing he looked at the door) and what did I tell you about leaving the door unlocked?" There was no excuse as to why I left it unlocked, so I just smiled and got up to lock it. I appreciate that he looks out for our safety, especially after the shooting in our complex two weekends ago. So many people take it for granted that they still live and breathe....but thats another post.

I'm going to make spaghetti for dinner, I haven't made that in a while. I'm also going to work out today, I went Sunday night and got a good sweat going. I'm really excited about seeing myself under 200lbs again...and its just around the corner. Either way though, I feel glowingly beautiful and special.