Honestly

So many things have been happening this week. And I have had to confront a lot of feelings and choices that I have made. I have been having dreams more frequently now, and intense times of prayer with others and by myself. Today, out of no where I started singing my own worship song. That is exciting, and I really feel like I'm moving forward.

I have an interview for a nursing job tomorrow morning and Baby boy is loving it at his daycare. Today he pasted green dots on a picture of a frog. He is becoming so much more independent, and talking faster than ever. I'm steadily loosing weight and learning to be better to myself. I have a mentor and we can talk about everything/anything.

Wednesday, I got to spend a couple hours with T, and we got to reconnect and really spend time together and love on each other. We both got to pour out our hearts to each other, knowing fully that the other was listening and excited to hear. We got to tweak our plans and share new ideas. There was no need to be defensive or agitated. There was no arguing, no tearing each other down. No competing with each other, no time limits. It was just Us.

My best friend and I were talking later that day. God is really dealing with her about a lot of things. One being her relationship with this man she was seeing. He is trying to get back in her life. I don't need to tell all her details but yeah. She asked me was I going to stop seeing T. My answer was "No, why would you think that?" She said because if she can't see her guy, then what was so different about T and I. I really honestly thought about it. And thought about it some more.

I don't feel like that is what God is dealing with me about. Its like I told my Mum, "I have a peace about it, I'm not worried about anything." Its strange and I'm fully aware that I could be deceived, or that my flesh is getting away with me. I carry him with me everywhere, the level of patience and understanding I have for him is not like any other relationship I have.

So she asked me, "Do you think if you stopped doing that he would leave?" Before I could answer she said,"Cause if you do, then your not really meant to be together and you should break up anyway." Now my answer that was just about to leave my mouth was this...

I know for a fact that he wouldn't leave. We have actually had this discussion. Its hard to explain and get people to understand, the peace I feel when I'm with him. Even in a dangerous situation or place, I'm at peace with him. I do not doubt for one moment that he has my best at heart. I know how it feels to be somewhere you know your not supposed to be and yet you go against it anyway. Never once have I had this feeling with T.

That soul-tie is there. I don't think there is any hiding it, its very obvious to see Us together. But beyond the soul-tie there is a purpose for Us. I am blessed to have a best friend that I can talk to, and even more blessed that I can talk with my father openly and honestly. And still yet blessed to have a Mentor and people rallying behind me. Yet in all of those relationships T and I are closer. We compliment each other in everyway( spirit,emot,ment,physic)

One the other hand, I have written here before about how easy it is to justify things that you want. I am aware of that human quality, and I can see how I have used it to my benefit in the past. So, I will hold it in front of me and really pray about it...and I have told T this too and he thinks we both should. Also, other people don't have the promises from God that I have, they don't know the conversations we have had. Above anyone, I choose to stand on those promises and trust God. At the same time knowing that I'm not perfect and it is very possible I missed it somewhere. However, I trust God to bring it to my attention and deal with it and till then I will stand on that peace.

I also fully understand that people may not like or agree with my choice. I have to stand somewhere, and I can't be afraid to stumble along the way. Relying on my peace is where I know that I know to stand. If I stumble...so be it, I will get back up and try again.

Finding the Balance Pt 1

I'm once again going to spit the brutal truth....if you can't handle it, be cautious in your reading.


I have spent the past few days thinking alot of things over. It seems to be all pointed back to balance. Its oh so very confusing when on one hand you want to be so close to God and your trying to find how to get closer. Yet there are some secular songs that mean more to you than christian songs. (Thats based off the belief that Christians aren't supposed to listen to secualr music) And how some nights God visits you in your dreams and the next night your dreaming about being an exhibitionist with the one you love. Life can't really be that extreme can it?

Or maybe its that you like a particular drink, or you really really like to dance...being a Christian you can't do that anymore? So then how do you tell if your doing anything right? I hear people constantly talk about the flesh and the spirit, about denying the flesh and taking up the cross. Yet something doesn't sit right with me. But at the same time I don't want to be decieved, I know you can manipulate anything you want to do. So if I desired to have a drink once in a while, or go to the club every now and then....or even if it was every weekend. What is the balance to it? Am I not being a Christian doing those things? So thats what I have been contemplating, among other things. Then Wednesday night our Assoc. Pastor made a statement...One night in college he had a sex dream and it was bad, he rebuked it.

That really started the wheels turning in my head. "Every time I have a sex dream I'm sinnning? But God created sex, it has a purpose, then why would it be bad? But then God reminded me, everything he created has been preverted, misused. Sex in itself isn't bad, its how sex is used. Think about it, beastiality is wrong....but just because thats wrong doens't mean you can't own a pet, or like being around them. So does that apply to everything else in life? From what I can tell it does....but don't just take my word for it, search for yourself.

I don't think having a drink is wrong....I think its the motive of the drink or when you drink too much. I don't think going to the club is wrong...its what you do at that club. No, I'm not talking about passing out "Hell Fire and Damnation" pamplets to the people in line at the club. I'm talking about going and enjoying yourself, yet when your on the dance floor something being different...you don't have to dance like everyone else, your breasts don't have to be hangin out your shirt. I don't think listening to secular music is wrong...but you must be careful as to the message and what that song stands for. But I don't think you can just say "Oh its Christian music, I don't have to worry about it" still be careful what you allow in your spirit.

But here is the big thing....for me it always is...SEX. Being in touch with your sexuality is sometimes very very draining. Sex is everywhere in our society, it only takes me 2 min. walking to get to the nearset strip club from the house. Ok, so you ever heard of a thing called "prefrence"? I know I have... I wondered for the longest time...What is it about me that makes me prefer to be submissive? Not everyone desires that, it doesn't float everyone's boat. But for me...it makes a difference, a big difference. And its not about rules being learned, or forcing me into my place as a woman, its not about labels... Its my nature, it never occurs to me when I'm being that way...I'm just being me. I have noticed that when T and I are in public, we get alot of looks. Its not because we have huge signs around our necks, its because we are happy to be us. And it just so happens that it makes both of us happy for him to lead when we walk, and I know that seems like a little thing...but for the sake of my Father I won't go into anything heavier than this...it makes the point quite nicely. Have you every watched young couples in America today? Say the mall or grocery store. There are very distinctive differences in people.

1. The couples who fight for control, regardless of who is around. "I can order for myself!" Or "No, I'm going to drive!"
   
2. There are those women who march around giving orders, daring anyone to defy her...while her man walks slowly behind her carrying all her bags.
   
3. There are the couples where the man walks around openly being disrespectful of his woman, knowing it hurts her, yet he still treats her like trash.

Those are the most common in this area of the Midwest. So its very different for people our age to see T and I together. People don't understand why I can let him order for me, or why I ask him can we go in this store or that and be okay with whatever answer he gives. Or why I am content to sit and watch him play ball. And still he treats me like I'm the apple of his eye. It leaves youngins in shock when a pretty woman walks by and he looks and it doesn't faze me. He doesn't do it out of disrespect, he isn't thinking man lets bring her home. I know he sees me as beautiful, so it doesn't matter, I don't need to yell at him and get jealous.

At it always catches me off guard, when people make comments about it. For instance, one of T's friends noticed that we don't argue. Him and his girlfirend argue about everything, the stress level in their relationship is scary. But I'm not sitting there thinking, "Ok, you can't argue with him, your being submissive remember." The thought never passes my mind. Or another one of his friends saying that "She can cook?! Man, if for nothing else, you should marry her because she can cook. Girls nowadays can't cook, and they certainly don't ask you what you want and bring the plate to you." That really took me off guard...it wasn't insulting to me, I knew he didn't mean it like that, it was a sort of compliment. I know thats not why we would get married either. Yet, it does give me great joy to cook what he likes to eat, fix his plate and bring it to him. I like watching him talk about how good it is between bites and ask for seconds. Believe me, I'm not in the kitchen thinking..."I have to carry his plate to the table, because thats the submissive thing to do." And then to see his friend's face light up when I ask, "And what can I get you J?" I don't look at is as being a maid, I really don't ever think about it. My independant friends, think I'm a step-ford and some have even come to the conclusion that I have told myself if I don't do this he won't love me. I can't say it enough or with enough passion that its not that, I truly am just that way. I doesn't cross my mind, it isn't a battle within me.

I feel very very blessed to have our realtionship this way. Its rested in my spirit that, that part of my being, my sexuality isn't something thats evil or wrong. Its not your standard "missionary position" when it comes to relationships especially in the veiw of Christians. Its not whether I have a drink every now and then when I'm legal. Its not that I can't ever walk into a club and call myself a Christain. Jesus drank and danced, hung out with all the "heathens" and enjoyed himself with them. Yet he stood out to them, he called them to something better. I don't think its a msitake that "Too much of anything (good or bad) is still too much" is in the Bible.

'Tis a Puzzlement

Judges 19 and 20 is a puzzlement to me. Why does this story have its place in the Bible? This concubine, it never records what she said or thought. Yet she was used in such a provocative way. Her Master wasn't the one teaching the lesson, I don't think. He was selfish and afraid to be given up to the men of the town, yet he gave the woman he loved to them. He slept while they raped her all night. No, it wasn't this cowardly man that teaches the lesson in my opinion. Its the concubine. She died for her Master, we don't know if it was willingly or not, but we do know that she died and her body was cut up and sent throughout Israel to jolt them into action.

What impresses me about this concubine was that she made it to the threshold of the house before she died. I'm not sure why that speaks to me so much. She could have died in the street while they used her. But she held on, she made it back to her Master. The Bible never says she cried out to him at dawn, it says she lay there till light. Its almost as if she had a peace and understanding that this was for a reason, that in her darkest hour she had a purpose. To be raped once, is not an easy thing to deal with. You can't just *SNAP* get over it. Imagine being raped repeatedly by many of the men in town... and still holding on. Telling yourself you have to make it to the threshold of your Master's house. That speaks volumes to me. More than I can articulate here.

Then to see the other men in the tribes of Israel rise up and avenge her, a concubine. Because you see they weren't pagan men that raped this girl. Read it...it says they specifically skipped the pagan town and went to a town full of God's people. Those men knew God's laws. To see the righteous men of Israel want to deal with the matter, that represents alot to me too.

Look at it this way...that concubine was like so many girls and women in today's time. They are with a man who knows God's laws and God's will, yet they mistreat her and abuse her. The rest of the people in the town that did nothing....they are like the world and other church folk...they look the other way when they know something is wrong. We let so many of our women slip through the cracks, they die abused and broken. It takes strong Godly men to rise up and avenge them, teach them there is something better, go after those who knowingly do what is wrong and deal with them. And maybe its not that you kill the man that did wrong, but you confront it, don't look the other way. That woman is laying her life at the threshold...don't sleep through her time of need. Because then its too late...you end up mourning her rather than seeing her grow into the woman she was always ment to be.

I have found there are Men in this world that will stand up. Men that will treat you like a Queen, even after all the mess you have been through. And at the same time there are men who only want to abuse and still other who will never speak up and take his rightful place. You have to decide which will you be? Which one will you teach your sons to be? Which one will you allow your daughters to be with? Which one will Women allow to speak into their lives?

Trust Me and Obey

When you know beyond the shadow of a doubt God told you where to be and that things would work out. Why is it that You choose to just hold on to it for a little while? Why do we try to do it in our own strength? Why do we convince ourselves that God changed his mind and we have to make it work?

Why is it so hard to just stand still and know that God is workin on our behalf, that he is doing just as he said he would do? Why is it harder to do with somethings and easy with others?


Its not hard for me to say ok God I trust you with my life, I know I'm saved. If you said go and die for my sake I would. And I trust you with my son and T, I know you have special plans and purposes for them and you will work it out for their good. I know what you have shown me and what you have placed in my heart.

So if I trust him with the ones I love the most....and I'm not afraid to die. Then why am I afraid to obey God in living? Thats when my trust becomes just words. And God knows I'm really thinking. "I trust you God....but I have to get a job and a paycheck...how am I going to do it? "OOooo I can't stand when "they" do that...I'm not going to do this and that anymore." Knowing full well that my place was to stand still and know that God is God...He is still on the throne. He is in total control.

Thats my lesson I'm being given..."Trust me and obey" It doesn't matter what other do or don't do, its about what he told you to do. What you know is right. And its funny because God had it in my face for the longest. In the natural and in the spiritual.

In the natural, I was getting so frustrated that my brother comes home and doesn't do one tiddle of house work, he plays video games and complains about being tired from band practice. I was upset that I came home from work and cooked dinner, watched baby boy, vaccumed and did laundry. I didn't want to do it by myself, and I certainly didn't want to do it and not be recognized for it. I wanted for my brother to get chewed out because he didn't do anything to help. I wanted to be told I was doing my part so well. But its not about who helps me in house work or not. Its that I know dinner has to be cooked, that baby boy needs a bath and the house is a mess. So I am the one that needs to put my hands to doing it. Not worrying or fuming that no one else is.

Then in the spiritual there are 3 things that I know that I know that I know I am supposed to be doing right now. I only did 2 of the 3 till the other day, saying that the "church" should have done it. I argued with God and disobeyed because I didn't want to be alone in it. I didn't want to do my part regardless of what others thought or did. I know now that it doesn't work that way. God won't say "its ok, no body else did what I told them to do, so your off the hook." There is a story in the Bible about this precise thing. Its found in 1 Kings 13. It speaks of a prophet who let someone else determine his obedience to God and God destroyed him because of it. Its an interesting story... it makes you think.

Straaaaaaange things are happen to me....

I'm not too sure what to think of right now, its way too early in the morning. So you'll get to see what I right about when my mind isn't all there and is distracted. It probably won't be too coherent, but anyway.

Over the past two weeks I have had one embarrassing moment after the next, and it never fails to get me at the most in-oppurtune time. Everything from my best friend's Mum thinking I had hickeys on my neck, which were really burns from the curling iron to messing up my work schedule taking a 30 min lunch that I wasn't supposed to get. I can laugh about it now, but it still kind of bothers me a little bit. My embarrassing moments are definetly hilarious, and most people would probably roll in the floor laughing once they got over the shock factor and stuff.

One happend Saturday, and I almost fell out my seat. I had left my purse over at Tricci's house. I called to see if I could come pick it up, they were home so I said, "Ok, I'm gonna go see if I can donate blood real quick, then I'll be there." Her Mum heard, "Ok, I'm gonna go see if I can go make love real quick, then I'll be there." When she asked me to repeat it, she heard what I really said, but it was too late. I couldn't stop laughing but at the same time I felt bad because she must think that of me, that I would say something like that. She knows and she has told me she had known that T and I have been intimate. Thats no big secret with her. But I would never ever ever in my whole long-legged life would I say something like that. And in the special case I was off my rocker one day, I still would never say it to a friend of the family/adoptive parent. For goodness sake, she tells everyone I'm her God-daughter. Anyways,....



~~~~~~

And here I am finishing this more than several hours later....its 1:20pm here now. And what I have to write about has changed. Its not about being embarrassed with people, or even the reaction people have in dealing with you. Its all about your relationship and walk with God. God truly does work in mysterious ways.

For weeks and months now, I have spouted about basically the "utopian ideal of christianity" and I was frustrated with God. Saying "When is the church going to act right?" But in truth, it was teaching me a lesson...."When am I going to act right." I put the blame on the church from the feeling I was having with being dealt with. "But God it would be so much easier if the church would do what they are supposed to, then I could do what you called me to do." And truth is, thats not what is happening right now. I have to do what God told me to do every day regardless of what others do. For months I put off calling a church member to check on them, afraid to fail in being obedient....so basically being defiant instead of at least trying. Afraid that my own human strength wouldn't carry me. Because I know it won't. So finally this week, I determined in my heart to call. Today I called in from work, that wasn't where I am supposed to be. I tried that too in my own strength, thinking I had to have a paycheck, but it didn't work. While I was putting in another application for a job in my field, I had a very long brutally truthful conversation with my God-Mum2... and she spoke the truth to me. She didn't allow me to put up excuses and "but but" she kept coming until there was no reasons why left, just the raw naked truth. It broke me and I started to cry. Not a sobbing boohoo cry, just a release of the truth cry. Hard to explain I know.

I'm afraid to fail. Afraid that I'm not worthy enough to hear from God consistantly and therefore I felt like I had to rely on what others thought about God and his call for my life. I didn't trust him as much as I said I did. My mouth cried..."God use me" but my actions said "I don't trust so I'm not going to budge"

So I had to learn, and its still a process of learning. That its not up to what other people think about my relationship with God. Or what they think about my gifts and callings, or if they think I'm doing it right. Its about hearing directly from God, and walking in that obedience....even if it means I'm alone in doing it. At least I can say I was obedient, even if I stumble in it.

I came home and called the church member. The same thing God had dealt with me about, just an hour before. Was the same thing he needed to hear. Just because he stumbled doesn't mean disappear, doesn't mean he isn't called of God. Doesn't mean those plans and purposes have changed. It means we are human.

That also taught me that my obedience or disobedience has an effect on the world. Think about it....if Oral Roberts, or Rienhard Bonnke had of been disobedient millions of people would not know Christ, or be healed today. And many many times they felt alone, or inadequate or like they missed it.

I challenge you....I DARE you!


God is talking.....are You hearing Him for yourself?

Monday I wrote about missing T and getting to talk to him. Well I had to call in to work today, cause last night the storm blew out Baby boy's daycare's electricity. So after coming back home and getting him setteled I called him just to say hey. He was just waking up and said he would see about coming over to see me and baby boy. I said ok but didn't think he would make it, so I went back to sleep. He knocked on the door and I say straight up in the bed, I looked out the window and there he was. All tall, dark and handsome. I changed out of my pjs and answered the door. I practically leapt into his arms and hugged him. Baby boy woke up from hearing his voice and slide off the bed and came running into the living room. "Da-Da Da-Da" Now that was a surprise, I didn't teach him to say that, I always call him T. But he ran straight to him and T picked him up, "Hey whats up little man?" I smiled and just let it be.

We sat on the couch and talked. He asked me how I was doing. I said ok and he kept asking me. He knew there was more to it than that. Meanwhile Baby boy had ran off to get his favorite book, "Say Hello to Spanish" He came back and held it up to us, "th-ead, th-ead" We picked him up and turned the pages with him, reading the spanish words. T stroked my hair and asked me again, "How are you doing?" I said "It will be ok." "Oh, it will be? What will be?" So I told him about my job and how some of the people got to me the other day, how family situations have been acting up and how I miss him so, that and how something is pulling on me so heavily. I actually think thats part of the reason I missed him so much. But I'll explain that in a min. So, then I had said everything but what I knew would upset him. But I told him anyway, that guy called me again and is still trying to pursuit me. And it did, it upset him he wanted to know his number. But I don't have it, and don't have caller id. He wasn't thinking I would leave or anything like that, he was upset that even after repeatedly telling this guy that I didn't want a relationship with him he still calls. T said he would say don't answer the phone at all then, but he realized thats not practical. So, we will just have to deal with it next time he calls.

Baby boy wanted to read the book again so we read it through, he started pointing to the pictures saying "dat, dat" then looking back at us. I would say "dog-perro" and T would say the next picture, "cat-gato" and back and forth till he was happy. This is a first for baby boy too. He has never done that, he is learning so fast!

So then I asked T how he was, and he told me about his frustrations with finding a FT job and not being able to see us more often. He really does miss us. His car is in the shop for a tune-up and new fuel pump or something like that and he had borrowed his cousins car. He couldn't stay long because he had to take his cousin to work. So we said our good-byes, baby boy started to cry and want to leave with him. He kissed us both and said he would call and hopefully not stay away so long this time. When in reality it was only what 2 weeks since I saw him face to face, but it felt like an eternity. Well I shouldn't say eternity, it felt like a really really long time.

So, now to explain this feeling. The best way to explain it is a dark cloudy feeling. It frustrates and angers me, it spends my energy and leaves me overwhelmed lots of the time. It not a depression although I could easily slip into it. Its more like a conviction. When will the body of Christ really be the body of Christ? When will we really believe what we say and only say and do what we believe? When will we really care for the well-being of those around us, in Christ or not? And it pulls on me, so heavily...it is a constant pull. A burden. I want to see revival so badly, the pull to just be in his presence, the pull to interceed for others. I can't get away from it. I'm not saying that I want to, but sometimes it feels too heavy to bear alone.

With T, its like he sees it and knows how strong it is. So he tries to comfort me and at least make it easier to carry. And people wonder why I see so much in him, I see those gifts inside him and they are just waiting to burst out.

So thats why a phone call makes things better, and certainly seeing him makes things better. Its not about anything physical, its the emotional, mental and spiritual.

Thats the other thing I want to write about. I work for a Christian company...that is based off of Micah 6:8. Now the atmosphere is great, and the people for the most part are very nice. Some of them are a bit rude and self-righteous but we all can be. Its when I get that phone call, someone in dire need asking me to pray with them because they can't seem to find God in their situation and they are calling from overseas. And all I can tell them is I can't answer that question here is another overseas phone number to call and they can help you. Even though I feel the words coming up out my spirit, I'm required by law to not say anything. That gets to me. I realize my prayer isn't the end all to his problems, and I realize and truly believe that God is God whether or not I prayed with this man. And he doesn't have to hear my prayer for him for it to have an effect. But still being human and hearing the brokeness in his voice. I seriously thought the next words out his mouth would be suicide. And when I get a call from a person wanting to order a product but doesn't have the money and I have to tell them I can put in the request but can't promise anything...although they were very understanding. It angers me, if this product is such a valuable thing, that all Christians need to read or whatever....then in my opinion it should be given for free to those who can't afford it. I understand the costs of making it and yadda yadda, but if you trully valued that person and wanted them to be touched by God...it shouldn't take a monatary amount to make that happen. I know we aren't perfect and I can understand that, and I understand that includes Bishops and Pastors and everyone else. I just really don't see how saying no is being effective in this situation, how does that help her get closer to God? How does that help him trust in God's people? Why do things have to be this way?

One of my desires is to be like the first church. To live daily like they did in Acts 2:42-47 that would be awesome to see that today. To take that life, family, community into the world, to show them that you don't have to live just barely making it and feeling lost. Having Christians all over the world be the body of Christ, working and moving mightly to advance God's kingdom. So that the world could see that with Christ all things are truly possible to those that believe. Thats just part of what my heart cries out for. Part of what grips me so tightly. And I'm afraid even these words don't do this feeling any justice.

But I challenge you...

To catch the fever of God too...whatever fever he may have destined for you.

Hmmmm....Ahhhhhh

Its amazing what one phone call can do for my world. All the stress of my day, all of the worries...they float away.

I have been missing T like crazy, but didn't want to go back on my promise. So, I made myself buck up. This was my time to prove that I can function on my own, so that if anything should happen to him I will be able to still hold on. And I'm proud to say its possible. I know I am a strong woman.

But turns out I didn't have to wait as long as I was bracing myself for. He called to see how I was doing, and how baby boy was getting along. I can't explain what the sound of his voice does for me. He listened to me explain my first regular day at work, and baby boy's first day in daycare. I listened to him talk about all the stuff he was up to, and accomplishing. He told me how much he missed me and wanted to see me. And I soaked it all up...lol What can I say I'm spoiled. He is proud of me and I of him. I could hear the smile on his face and it made me feel so special...and all that other mushy stuff.

I guess it has me all giddy because not only did I miss him and hearing his voice when I picked up the phone was like electricity, the call comes on the heels of another dream. I won't give details but its a meaningful dream and make this date....God is up to mysterious things and this dream will come to pass, in his timing and his ways.

I will sleep very well tonight, Ahhhhhhh

I started training for my job this week...and its interesting to say the least. I am really bored in there. I don't know everything yet, but I wish we could go faster in learning it. I'm all for going slow for people to understand, and I can pretty much slow myself down and stay with the group. But it starts off as this itch to just get it done already. I see that little clock on the bottom of the window and think "This call has already taken 20 min, instead of the average 4 min." I don't know why my inner time clock runs fast like that. Like for instance I had 10 min to complete a problem on the board. So I went to work, I was thinking in my mind the 10 min was close to being up and made myself finish on time. Only to look up after I finished to see it had only be 4 min and everyone else was on page 1. So I paitently sat, and waited. The trainer came to look at my computer and I had everything correct. It doesn't bother me to sit and wait, I'm use to it by now. I just don't want anyone to think they are slow because I was faster. I like everyone in my training class, and we have fun.

Baby boy starts his first day of daycare on Monday. I'm kind of antsy about it, I know he will do fine. Its just that I may not.

Funny thing happened....This morning while brushing my teeth I had a random thought pop in my head. And for those that know me thats not a rare occurance. So anyways, I asked my Mum, "You know how toothpaste makes pregnant women nauseous? Does that ever go away or does it stay?" You should have seen her face...her eyes went big and she just looked at me. I almost rolled over laughing. It hit me like a ton of bricks, that really sounds like I'm about to say I'm pregnant. She then said, "Ask me specifically related to you" Now, toothpaste never made me nauseous, thats why I didn't know. I explained to her, it was just a random thought and I am no where near being pregnant. Her face relaxed and she said "it depends, some do some don't, I just had to switch toothpaste" I nodded and went about finishing getting ready. its funny how in my mind, I never would have thought that would mean I was pregnant, but then again I'm "special" (big cheese) and shouldn't expect others to think like I do.

I don't really know what else to write, I'm listening to "Spoiled" by Joss Stone, she is a Brit import. Here are the lyrics:

I kinda thought that I'd be better off by myself
I've never been so wrong before
you made it impossible for me to ever
Love somebody else
And now I don't know what I left you for

See I thought that I could replace you
He can't love me the way you do
'Till now I never knew
Baby

[Chorus]
I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how I try to change my mind
What's the point its just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled

I tried to tell myself I'd be over you in a week or two
But baby that was 'bout a year ago
I've never seen the word love so personified as I do with you
And that is why I just can't let go, oh no

[Chorus]

Spoil me

And I would only be fooling myself if I tried to
Believe there's room for someone else in my heart
There ain't no way I'm getting over you
I don't know what I've been trying to prove
I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you

[Chorus]

I've been spoiled yeah yeah

A-Z Lyrics

Now, I'm not really sure why this is my favorite song right now, well one of them. I can't really relate to all of it, but some of it I can. I'm too the point were its easier to go through loving him, then to be without him and go through. Love is a choice, made everyday. So, you could say I'm spoiled when it comes to him.

Joss Stone amazes me, she is a 18 yr. old caucasian Brit with a smokey mature voice...it blew my mind when I saw her. You wouldn't think that voice would be able to come out that body. She is nothing like Britney Spears. I like some of her other songs as well. 'Understand' and 'Sleep Like A Child' as my other favs.

The Political War

On the way home from my new job I got into a political discussion about the Katrina Hurricane and Global policy. I wasn't picking a fight, I was merely stating my opinion. Which I very simply stated in my post Katrina. That brought up the whole hidden agenda of Persidant Bush thing, and how we should pull out of Iraq, and why are we in everyone's business but our own. How bad the economy is and how he is the worst President in history. How he isn't looking out for Americans, and more specifically black Americans. Now, I don't think Bush is perfect, I don't agree with every choice he has made. But the fact remains that with me, I like Bush as President. He isn't perfect, but I trust him a whole lot more than I trusted Clinton. Life isn't going to be perfect and the economy probably isn't going to be peechy-keen for a while, regardless of who is in office.

So I sat quietly in the back seat while the conversation blew up and Bush and "all the wrong he does" I'm not into President bashing. That really doesn't speak highly of you as a person, bashing your leader. In my opinion. What it all boils down to, is I care about humans period. American or not. I think we as humans should do everything in our power to help other humans. If that means send money and resources, then do it. If that means send missionaries than do it. There is a balance to it. Americans shouldn't suffer because all the resources are given away to other countries, as well as other countries shouldn't suffer because we say "Our four and no more" One day we will need their help with something, because we can't do it all on our own.

Then the comment was made to me, "Just because you see a hungry baby doesn't mean you would give to them and baby boy not have food" Which is true, but that would mean I didn't have food. And truthfully, I would consider consoling baby boy through one meal so the other baby could have food. I won't just sit and watch another baby starve while I make mine fat. I refuse to think and behave that way. I'm not going to sit in a mansion while I know there is someone on the street in my family or city. I'm not going to wear designer clothes and feast while I know someone else goes without. God provides enough for all of us.

I'm not saying their opinion was wrong, because they are entitled to it. I just can't relate to it, and I certainly don't appreciate that my veiw was put down so. But such is life, not everyone is going to agree with me, and thats ok.

Love Sonnet XI

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets.
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungery, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

--Pable Neruda

Katrina

I'm sure by now, everyone in the US knows about Katrina and what she did...as if she was a person. lol

Anyways, the hurricane that just hit parts of FL, LA, and Miss Sippee (big cheese) I think I am getting all my playfulness out before I get to the nitty gritty of the subject.

Its on everyone's news and it seems there is a new story to tell about the misfourtune and surffering happening in these hurricane ravished places everyday. Today, I sat down and listened to what the news had to say about it. It all seemed so very far away, yet were close enough to have some of the displaced here. I cried over the dead in the street and the new borns that had nothing to eat and nothing to cool them. Over the mothers and fathers that wanted so badly to provide for their children and elderly, but had nothing to provide them with. Over the thousands that need medicine or healthcare but couldn't get any. I wondered why more ships and buses by the thousands hadn't gone to help, why people with private jets didn't pick up refugees to take them to a safe city with relatives, why food and water seems so slow in getting to them.

Then I got erked, once again we Americans think "Woe is us..." but what about the people in Sudan who have had nothing for years? What about the people in the Congo or the Ivory Coast? The refugees that are still out there from the various wars and civil unrest? What about them? They have felt hunger, thirst, disease, pain, filth everyday for most of their lives.

I am not angry with those in the hurricane torn cities that cry out for help or loot. I would too in that situation. It just erks me to no end that they can get on national television and say "You can help Iraqis but you can't help us" I don't think its fair to divert attention from others that need it just to fufill your own need. I would that everyone be spared, everyone have their needs met. And I'm mostly sure most of the inhabitants on Earth would too.

It boggles my mind how we have enough food to end world hunger, enough money that none need to be poor, enough goods and things to make sure that everyone has what they need, enough knowledge to end so many of our diseases.....yet those problems still exist. Is money that important that we let it continue? Is saying I have a jet while she has a cardboard box that meaningful or special?

Then I sat and thought, "Well if I had a jet, I would do this.... Or if I had a boat I would do this.... Or if I was a movie star I would do this..." And I had to correct myself on that thinking. Its when people think "the rich and famous are going to do it, I don't have to" thats when things get left undone. My thought should have been..."What can I do to help?" Even if its sending one bottle of water and some formula, or a blanket and a box of pop tarts....it would be helping someone. I haven't figured out what I am going to send yet, or how I am going to get into the hands of those that need it...but I will send something. We can all think of the things we don't have, and about not having anything to spare....but we all have something we can give, something we can sacrifice. Just please please make sure whatever you send is sent through a valid organization or a trustworthy person.

On a Lighter Note

1. Favorite number? 7
2. Favorite movie? Lagaan
3. Favorite t.v. movie? Their Eyes Were Watching God
4. Favorite Show? Americas Next Top Model, CSI and Iron Chef
5. Favorite drink? Mango juice and Ginger Ale or Mudslide
6. Favorite food? Coconut Curry Soup or anything but European and American
7. Favorite sport? to watch...basketball and to play...basketball and soccer
8. Favorite month? November
9. Favorite day of the year? Thanksgiving
10. Favorite day of the week? Tuesdays and Saturdays
11. Favortie song by a female artist? At Last by Etta James and Brown Skin by India Arie
12. Favorite song by a male artist? Dontchange by Musiq Soulchild
13. Favortie song by a group? Whoa Mama by Black Eyed Peas
14. Favorite Artist? Karl Bang and Picasso
15. Favorite car? SUV: Nissan X-terra or Jeep Liberty Car: Jaguar
16. Favorite flower? Orchids
17. Favorite Jewel/Gem? Rubies and Pearls
18. Favorite Book? Mistress of Spices by Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni
19. Favorite Poem? The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost
20. Favorite Quote?
21. Favorite Exotic Animal? Giraffe
22. Favorite Country? Thailand, India and Puerto Rico
23.What color pants are you wearing? Monkey silky pj pants
24. What are you listening to right now? Radiohead and my thoughts
25. What was the last thing you ate? Choc. Chip elf grahms
26. Do you wish on stars? no
27. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? brown
28. How is the weather right now? not too hot, not too cool
29. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my brother in CO
30. Hair color? black with brown tips
31. Siblings? 2 brothers

32. What was the last movie you saw? All About the Benjamins
33. What do you do to vent anger? write, go for a walk
34. What was your favorite toy as a child? Ariel barbie and a talking baby doll
35. When was the last time you cried?last week
36. What is under your bed? shoes!
37. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Tricci over 10 years
38. What did you do last night? put baby boy to bed, surfed the net and slept
39. What gives you the heebie jeebies? Spiders, Mold and Mildew, the toe fungus commercial where the CG character crawls under your nail, the Xbox sign
40 How many states have you lived in? 2
41. How many cities have you lived in? 3 I think
42. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? Niether
43. Country or City? both
44. Summer or winter? both
45. Hugs or kisses? both but if I have to choose one...kisses
46. Chocolate or vanilla? Cappucino Chocolate and Vanilla Bean
47. Seaside or Mountainside? Seaside
48. Conservative or Liberal? mostly Conservative
49. Neat Freak or Clutter Junkie? clutter junkie striving to be neater.
50.