Finding the Balance Pt 1

I'm once again going to spit the brutal truth....if you can't handle it, be cautious in your reading.


I have spent the past few days thinking alot of things over. It seems to be all pointed back to balance. Its oh so very confusing when on one hand you want to be so close to God and your trying to find how to get closer. Yet there are some secular songs that mean more to you than christian songs. (Thats based off the belief that Christians aren't supposed to listen to secualr music) And how some nights God visits you in your dreams and the next night your dreaming about being an exhibitionist with the one you love. Life can't really be that extreme can it?

Or maybe its that you like a particular drink, or you really really like to dance...being a Christian you can't do that anymore? So then how do you tell if your doing anything right? I hear people constantly talk about the flesh and the spirit, about denying the flesh and taking up the cross. Yet something doesn't sit right with me. But at the same time I don't want to be decieved, I know you can manipulate anything you want to do. So if I desired to have a drink once in a while, or go to the club every now and then....or even if it was every weekend. What is the balance to it? Am I not being a Christian doing those things? So thats what I have been contemplating, among other things. Then Wednesday night our Assoc. Pastor made a statement...One night in college he had a sex dream and it was bad, he rebuked it.

That really started the wheels turning in my head. "Every time I have a sex dream I'm sinnning? But God created sex, it has a purpose, then why would it be bad? But then God reminded me, everything he created has been preverted, misused. Sex in itself isn't bad, its how sex is used. Think about it, beastiality is wrong....but just because thats wrong doens't mean you can't own a pet, or like being around them. So does that apply to everything else in life? From what I can tell it does....but don't just take my word for it, search for yourself.

I don't think having a drink is wrong....I think its the motive of the drink or when you drink too much. I don't think going to the club is wrong...its what you do at that club. No, I'm not talking about passing out "Hell Fire and Damnation" pamplets to the people in line at the club. I'm talking about going and enjoying yourself, yet when your on the dance floor something being different...you don't have to dance like everyone else, your breasts don't have to be hangin out your shirt. I don't think listening to secular music is wrong...but you must be careful as to the message and what that song stands for. But I don't think you can just say "Oh its Christian music, I don't have to worry about it" still be careful what you allow in your spirit.

But here is the big thing....for me it always is...SEX. Being in touch with your sexuality is sometimes very very draining. Sex is everywhere in our society, it only takes me 2 min. walking to get to the nearset strip club from the house. Ok, so you ever heard of a thing called "prefrence"? I know I have... I wondered for the longest time...What is it about me that makes me prefer to be submissive? Not everyone desires that, it doesn't float everyone's boat. But for me...it makes a difference, a big difference. And its not about rules being learned, or forcing me into my place as a woman, its not about labels... Its my nature, it never occurs to me when I'm being that way...I'm just being me. I have noticed that when T and I are in public, we get alot of looks. Its not because we have huge signs around our necks, its because we are happy to be us. And it just so happens that it makes both of us happy for him to lead when we walk, and I know that seems like a little thing...but for the sake of my Father I won't go into anything heavier than this...it makes the point quite nicely. Have you every watched young couples in America today? Say the mall or grocery store. There are very distinctive differences in people.

1. The couples who fight for control, regardless of who is around. "I can order for myself!" Or "No, I'm going to drive!"
   
2. There are those women who march around giving orders, daring anyone to defy her...while her man walks slowly behind her carrying all her bags.
   
3. There are the couples where the man walks around openly being disrespectful of his woman, knowing it hurts her, yet he still treats her like trash.

Those are the most common in this area of the Midwest. So its very different for people our age to see T and I together. People don't understand why I can let him order for me, or why I ask him can we go in this store or that and be okay with whatever answer he gives. Or why I am content to sit and watch him play ball. And still he treats me like I'm the apple of his eye. It leaves youngins in shock when a pretty woman walks by and he looks and it doesn't faze me. He doesn't do it out of disrespect, he isn't thinking man lets bring her home. I know he sees me as beautiful, so it doesn't matter, I don't need to yell at him and get jealous.

At it always catches me off guard, when people make comments about it. For instance, one of T's friends noticed that we don't argue. Him and his girlfirend argue about everything, the stress level in their relationship is scary. But I'm not sitting there thinking, "Ok, you can't argue with him, your being submissive remember." The thought never passes my mind. Or another one of his friends saying that "She can cook?! Man, if for nothing else, you should marry her because she can cook. Girls nowadays can't cook, and they certainly don't ask you what you want and bring the plate to you." That really took me off guard...it wasn't insulting to me, I knew he didn't mean it like that, it was a sort of compliment. I know thats not why we would get married either. Yet, it does give me great joy to cook what he likes to eat, fix his plate and bring it to him. I like watching him talk about how good it is between bites and ask for seconds. Believe me, I'm not in the kitchen thinking..."I have to carry his plate to the table, because thats the submissive thing to do." And then to see his friend's face light up when I ask, "And what can I get you J?" I don't look at is as being a maid, I really don't ever think about it. My independant friends, think I'm a step-ford and some have even come to the conclusion that I have told myself if I don't do this he won't love me. I can't say it enough or with enough passion that its not that, I truly am just that way. I doesn't cross my mind, it isn't a battle within me.

I feel very very blessed to have our realtionship this way. Its rested in my spirit that, that part of my being, my sexuality isn't something thats evil or wrong. Its not your standard "missionary position" when it comes to relationships especially in the veiw of Christians. Its not whether I have a drink every now and then when I'm legal. Its not that I can't ever walk into a club and call myself a Christain. Jesus drank and danced, hung out with all the "heathens" and enjoyed himself with them. Yet he stood out to them, he called them to something better. I don't think its a msitake that "Too much of anything (good or bad) is still too much" is in the Bible.