This morning was long and fast...

I drove over 50 miles in one day just driving around town. I got on the same highway 6 times to get where I needed to go and I drove out almost a whole tank of gas. Good thing gas is $2.12 here.
Baby Boy has been sick these last couple of days and so I stayed home. Today he was just like himself so he went to daycare this morning. After taking everyone to work and daycare, I stopped @ T's and met his Grandmother again. She seems to forget she ever met me. She said I look exactly like her cousin. And this time she was really nice to me, so I guess its better that she didn't remember me. After talking with them, watching some of Mimic 2 and playing with her blind cat, T and I left to run some errands and eat lunch together. It was a really nice time and we laughed and played alot. It was nice to just talk, and not talk about stresses or anything serious. We stopped off to get a drink and some gas. While we were picking our drinks, some hispanic men started looking at me and talking. When T noticed that they were eyeing me, he came and stood close behind me and asked if I had picked my drink yet. I had and we left. Going out the door a gentleman held the door for me, but T reached over me (he's 6'4...i'm 5'4) and opened the other door. It almost made me bust up laughing. I walked through the door he opened and said thank you to the other gentleman. I took T's arm outside and he walked me to my door of the car. Now to look at him, he thought nothing of it, he didn't notice how he got protective of me in the store. I smiled and kissed his cheek saying thank you. He nodded and we drove off.

Now, I'm geting ready for work and no one is here to talk to, I'm tired of the radio and miss his conversation.

IT

What has me bothered so?

What is it that draws tears from the well of my soul?

What is it that makes my heart pang and ache?

What is it that keeps my mind revolving for hours?

What is it my eyes are searching for in the dark corners of myself?

What is it I am looking for behind these array of topical doors?

What is it that makes my lips seep into a smile while my cheeks try desperately to conceal?

What is it that twists my body...

What is it that I speak and moan to...

despite vivid dreams and peaceful slumber?

What is it that echoes through me like a bottomless wonder?

What is it that yearns for my attention...

that pulls me into distraction...

that pushes my contemplations in its direction?

Many things fit these descriptions for me tonight. My mind is all a clutter with the faces of people, the scenery of memory's flashbacks, the sounds of life, and the ponderings of what surrounds me. I'm perplexed at what is at the very core of me tonight. Its like craving something to eat, yet not knowing what that specific thing is. This is the only way I know how to cope with it tonight.

There are a myriad of things that I want to write about, all of them racing through my head. Apart of me feels that I should pick a topic and focus all my attention on that, and make sure what I'm writting about makes sense and whatnot. However, it seems a shame to take my attention away from the other topics. So, I'm in a pickle.

Anyways, as I was driving home from work a few mintues ago, I was so very excited. Excited about several things. I'm learning Swahili from a couple of my co-workers. Its relatively easy and I like it alot. I said my first couple of sentences today...mostly related to work. Like, "Where are you going?" Mna kwenda wapi? or "What are you doing? Unafanya nini? and "Please Help me! Thank you" Tafadhali nisaidiye, asante. Its helping me keep my mind off the many draining thoughts...

While at work today, one of the residents told me I was fat while she patted my stomach. She wanted to know why I let myself get so fat. I tried to explain I was still working off the weight from being pregnant and she was ok with that. After that, everytime I went in her room she told me to take care of myself so I will be pretty. Another resident on the other hand...tried to hook me up with my co-worker. Once she understood that I am in a committed relationship she relented and told me to find the co-worker a good woman. So my day was busy to say the least. It was a good busy though, I like putting my hands to something.

I have been driving alot in my new car and I feel really comfortable in it.....oh, wait I didn't tell you guys about it! Tricci and I went in on a new car and we got it Monday! Its a 2005 Silver Chevy Malibu Classic, and it drives like a dream. I am going Monday to get my license and finally have that out the way. So I have been driving home from work and tomorrow I will take Tricci and her sister to work. Saturday we are trying to take a trip to the state border for some extra practice before Monday. I'm stoaked about it. This car was such a blessing, a miracle in my eyes.

So, while driving home I was really thinking alot about things. Everything that is going on with the people around me and what affect its having on me. Somehow in all the writtings on this blog, in my mind I still haven't conveyed the passion and intensity of my thoughts or feelings. That kind of bothers me, I want someone else to know what it is to feel this way...to be able to say they understand 100%. Mayby its insane....


~~~~~~~~~~~

Now I didn't get to finish that sentence, because I had to get off the computer. Last night wasn't very pretty. It only confirmed even more that my Mum and brother don't see what this blog does for me. They don't understand how important it is for me to write and how hard it is to stop writting when I have started. Last night all my emotions and thoughts were right at the edge. My hands have become an extension of my mind and my heart. When I had to stop writting it was like all of it built up in my hands and in my muscles. I had to do something with the energy. Every word I spoke I felt like it was 10 times more potent. I was actually afraid to speak, thinking I would blow them away with what I said. Knowing they don't understand or frankly care made it all the more frustrating. I feel like I'm hitting my head on a brick wall, speaking a different language and making odd body movements at the same time. I see their faces peering at me behind this invisible wall, and I want so much for them to understand me. to know what I'm talking about. To feel this passion that drives me. So after trying my best to explain, and not doing anything to keep anyone up, I ended up sitting on the couch crying silently. It seemed to be the only thing that helped. I was afraid to move a muscle, and I felt so retarded my heart ripped from my chest. Why can't I make them understand me? Or what I do? Or how I feel? Whats wrong with me that I can't explain it well enough? To my Mum I probably looked as if I was pouting for not getting my way. It wasn't that at all. Just because I stopped writting didn't mean my thoughts stopped. It just meant they had no outlet. They kept circling and circling in my head. They could only escape through tears. And not all of them were bad tears. Some were of excitment, and joy, happiness as well as frustration and rage.

I finally fell into a deep sleep and I rested well, no dreams but I rested well. This morning T called, he's back in town and everything is ok. With him things are more than ok. God kept him and sustained him, they had time alone to talk and sort things out. Now that he is back, he is different, in a good way. Yes, I still miss him and count the days till I can see him face to face. God is good, all the time. That saying is true, even when it doesn't feel like that in the natural. Next time I shouldn't let that escape me, I need to hold onto it.

I don't want to stop trying to explain what goes on inside my head and my heart. The things I see and feel, why I say things and do things this way. And I don't want to stop learning that about other people. I want to know just how passionate they are inside, about the little things in life...and the big things too. But I think lots of people over look the little things we are passionate about. There are more reasons to things than, just because. I seek to find them.

Believe it or not, that actually draws me closer to God. He made us so unique, so passionate and capable of all kinds of things. I yearn to know what those are, to what extent and why. To fully understand. And sometimes thats my pitfall but I'm learning to let it go at those times.

My Mother

I found out today that I hurt my Mother's feelings. I guess she read some of my blog and she was hurt by the fact that I can talk to God-Mum2 and not her. Or more specifically that I listen to Mum2 and not her. I did not mean to hurt her feelings. There are things that I can't talk to her about, and the things I do try to talk to her about she doesn't listen. So I feel stuck in the middle.

I love her...but she isn't my friend. I listen to what she has to say...but I have to make my own choices. She doesn't realize of all the things that are said between Mum2 and I, that I actually do something with. My Mother doesn't know how many things she has said that has swayed my choices, how many things she says that plays over and over in my head. True, there are things in my life that I don't ask her advice anymore, we don't see eye to eye on it. I have come to be more or less ok with that fact. There are things I miss about my Mother, times that we spend together. Things that I don't know how to fix, or make better.

In everything I do, I think of what my Mother will say or react to, how she taught us growing up or how I have seen her model her life for us. I hold my Mother very dear. And its hard when we aren't in the same place. I wish I could tell her all my dreams and goals, thoughts and feelings, all the things I wonder about and questions I have. Truth is I don't tell anyone all of it, not Tricci, not Mum2, not my father, not this blog, not church family. The closest person I am to telling everything that goes on with me, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually is T.

I would that she be able to tell me all of the same things I listed above. We haven't gotten there yet. I'm not sure how to talk to her...even to say I'm sorry. I don't think she would think its genuine...I don't think my words would make much difference to her. If I could fast forward the next few months, and be able to show her all the adult choices and situations and conversations I will have and have made I would.

I said last night after a fight. "I don't want to hurt my Mother, just because I feel hurt. Hurt people only hurt people." Now she doesn't know that, and I realize that. But somehow I have to actually connect the two, I have to show her how thankful and appreciative I am of her. How much I love her, and care for her. How much I value her as my Mother.

I spoke with God-Mum2 the other day...and she has this uncanny way of stripping me down to my most raw self. I had let my focus get obstructed and all I could see for the moment was the circumstances. I called her just to have an ear to listen, that and I know she won't baby me.

In these past weeks and months, I have seen so many things. Experienced overwhelming realities and dealt with them. I know to do this I have to be willing to lay everything down and give it to God. For the most part, I could do that...I could lay my job and family at his feet. I said I was going to lay down T as well, trust him completely to God and not worry. To stand on what God's promises are to me and trust in that. If you could picture a little girl, holding her doll and hugging that doll so tightly while her parent asks her to give it to them...that little girl is me. The more I say I'm letting go...the harder I try to hold onto it.

God-Mum2 saw this in me and made me admit it out loud. She was encouraging me. When my Father left, I felt vulnerable. I felt my covering leave, I felt open to the world and no longer protected. That covering is so very important to me, on so many levels. I found that covering again in T, he is a positive figure in my life and I cling to him. I feel protected and safe, knowing that he is there. So, its hard for me to say, "God, I lay him down and if you choose to take him a different way thats without me...so be it, just draw each of us closer." I have said it before to God, in that quiet special place and truly meant it. I felt safe and covered then. But to come out of the closet with God and walk in everyday life and say it is different. It leaves me so very vulnerable and I don't feel covered at all.

So, for me to see the everyday circumstances and how they aren't lined up with the promises yet...and I do mean yet. It is very difficult. God_Mum2 also made me think..."What if it takes 10 years for this to come true, will you be able to stand and make it through?" I believe in my deepest self that I can and will if need be. I know its a process. I know I'm strong, and that I can handle this battle. If I couldn't God wouldn't put it before me. Its the day to day that I need encouragement on, that why I posted that little pep talk yesterday.

I remember when I was a little girl, knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that if I messed up, my Father would still love me and care for me. That no matter how many times he had to spank me, he loved me. I remember just wanting to be next to him to feel safe, I didn't want to sleep if he wasn't home at night. Looking to him as a model of a man. That he didn't think me weird or out of place. Knowing that he would do anything for the family, and that he trusted God. When he left I felt like all that was ripped away.

The only other place I have been able to find that covering is with T. I fear losing him, losing that love, that covering, that communication and understanding again. She also made me see, that is why I am able to be "ME" with him and be at peace with it, because I'm covered and I'm not afraid to let him see the core of me.

She also told me that I should be that way with God all the time too...that I have to be able to see God as my covering in all things. She told me that I know my place, so stand in it and I might be scared but to square my shoulders, dig my heels in and fight for all its worth. Only I'm not fighting to "keep him" I'm fighting as an intercessor. She also reminded me that God knows everything that concerns me and he is perfecting them all.

I'm standing and leaning on God...

I refuse to cave in to my circumstances...

God is FAITHFUL...

I WILL look through my spiritual eyes and leave...
these worldy ones behind...

I am determined and NOTHING will
keep me from my appointed purpose and destiny...

I am trusting God with all that concerns me.

PERIOD.

At work I was reading the biography of Hans Christian Andersen and it was very interesting. I have read many HCA tales and they all drew me into the story, made me long to be the character. What I didn't realize about HCA was that his life was full of rejections. Everyone but his Father told him to give up his dreams and go home. Everyone from neighbors in Odense to the wealthy and royalty in Copenhagen.

It made me think....if that was the beginning of his life....and we know the ending of it.....then how did he survive the doubt and rejection in between? What did he tell himself to keep the dream alive? Those nights he spent in a cold room or wandering the streets what were his thoughts?

I haven't finished the book yet, I'm pacing myself for the rest of the nights I have all my work done and nothing to do. So we will see what happens next.

Spiritual Realities

Sunday was very powerful for me. It confirmed a lot of things for me. We had guest speakers yesterday morning, Hal and Lisa Boehm with Cathfire! Ministries.

Early that morning I didn't want to get up. I seriously debated staying home, I was so tired. I got up anyway and went to church, there was something I didn't want to miss. We got to church and during praise and worship all I could do was be quiet and think. I sang very softly, and inside I just wanted to be quiet in his prescene. There was something about not asking him for anything, just being in his presence, receiving what he had for me. After p&w, Hal Boehm started preaching and for the life of me I could not stay awake. I fought with myself to keep my eyes open for what seemed like his whole message. After his message, offering and dismissal the Boehm's said that God wanted to speak and impart things into people and if you wanted to stay you could. So we stayed, my Mum went up and I got baby boy out of nursery. When I came back she was still in line. She got her word and when she came back to earth, she sat down. She took baby boy for me and I went up.

It was a long while before he was anywhere near me, and a lot of people were praying while waiting. All I could think about was "God I need to hear from you on this, this, this and this...Oh don't forget that too." I had about 20 things I was listing off to God on what to tell me. I caught myself, and felt really bad. God will tell me anything I need to hear so just listen, don't ask for anything right now, just listen. So the rest of my time I stood, my mind blank...Just quiet. I didn't pray for keeping my mind blank was a task for me.

When Hal and Lisa stood before me, I took a deep breath and stood quietly. There was two parts to what he said. The first part isn't ready to be said here yet, but the second....Oh I couldn't contain it. He said that the people that are dear to me, that I have seen in the spirit what they are to do and be, their giftings and callings, and places. They will come to pass, just keep praying. Then out of the pit of my spirit came bubbling up a laugh. I couldn't help it, it shook my whole being. My mind was thinking:"Stop, you look really ugly, all your fat is shaking!" But I couldn't stop. I have seen other people laugh in the spirit like that, but I have never done it myself. God really surprised me, it was exactly what I needed to hear and be confirmed on. Just a week earlier, I said: "I'm getting frustrated and in fear, I know what I have seen, and no one can convince me otherwise...but what if it doesn't come to pass." So, I laughed, because I had joy about it again.

After I stood there laughing for a while, I got a release...it just stopped. We left and I had a peace. There are things that happen in the natural when I'm more in the spiritual. Even with all of my worries, when I'm in that place nothing is wrong and I'm at peace. I see things so clearly and perfectly. When I stand still, I sway like a breeze is blowing me. Its not of my own power and I can't stop it. When I walk, I feel as though I'm going to fall with each step, my legs can't carry me. When I cry, its not a sad or burdensome cry. I'm not crying out of my own self. Its like tears just pour out my eyes, I can be smiling, talking, laughing, quiet. It doesn't matter.

So, I carried this peace home with me. I can feel it slipping when I'm coming back to earth. I took a nap and had a dream. When I woke it was time to go to Covenant Care Group. My friend Tricci comes with us now, and yesterday her Mum (God-Mum2) came. We prayed and God moved in a lot of people's hearts and situations. My heart settled on a certain man in the group. I watched him, and something was going off on the inside of me. I couldn't explain it, or figure it out. There was just something about him. I tried in my own self to think of words to say, or write. But nothing fit together, nothing explained what I was feeling. So after we had finished praying, I got up to leave. But I was drawn to sit beside him and his wife. We looked at each other and I just started crying and saying "I don't know what to say or do, but there is something about you" I wasn't sad, but something pulled on me about him. He nodded, he knew what I was talking about, and so did his wife. I remember gripping his hand so tightly and just not being able to come up with the words. He finally asked me to pray for him. That took me by surprise, "Pray for him?! What about?" I nodded and started praying. My mouth mumbled something, but my heart just poured out, things I don't even understand. I did this until I felt like it was time to stop. But I kept hearing the word "Father" I spoke it and his wife took notice. He sat quietly holding my hand and she explained how he was a father to many but they broke his heart. He then told me he had been slowly stepping back from God and his calling for fear of getting hurt. I had no words, just tears and I sat there listening. My mind was all over the place. "What is happening? I'm helping him? He's helping me! This is weird, I don't know what going on." I finally let go of his hand, and said, "I'm sorry I'm not good with my words, but you know what I'm talking about" He nodded, and said, "But your good with your heart." After he said that I knew he heard me, everything. We helped each other. I could feel the anointing just radiating from him, and he just sat there quietly. I longed for that. He needed something I said and prayed....although I don't understand what that was, but he said it helped greatly. My tears had stopped and I was back on earth. We left and I got chewed out in the car....but it doesn't' matter about that. What matters is that this experience is recorded.

I have added two new links to the sidebar. They are great blogs, check them out!

Catholicsim Redux by Peter Halabu

and

Somewhere Between Green and Grey by Matthew Pascal

Family Affairs

Last week I met one of T's cousins for the first time. We were introduced and said our hellos and that was that. He seemed like he didn't want to talk, so I didn't push it. After a couple mintues T and his cousin left. I thought it was all cool.

Yesterday T called before I went to work. I asked how his cousin was doing, as well as his other relatives. T was obviously very upset with his cousin and I asked what happened. He said that his cousin asked if he could "hit that" cause I had a big ***(curvy figure) and T began to explain to me how he handled that comment.

Now, I have mixed feelings about this. I'm glad that T handled it and doesn't allow anyone to talk about me that way, even family. But then I don't want relatives to fight and be on bad terms with each other, which I realize isn't always the reality. And I have to wonder did I do anything for that comment to be made. I know thinking logically that doesn't sound right, it really doesn't. No woman deserves, or sparks such a comment from anyone. Yet in my mind that thought always comes up. My years in Jr. and Sr. high I recieved comments like that regularly. I fought with some of the commenters and tried to ignore others, but nothing I did stopped them from commenting. So my thinking became very self-cautious.

I do know that I don't ever want to be alone with his cousin, to which T agreed and at least while he is angry with him I won't see him at all. It took awhile to calm him down over the phone, but we did get to talk about other things before I had to leave for work. I did feel a little better when he said that his little sisters (13 and 5) keep asking when I'm coming over to play with them. We got off the phone and I left for work.

At work, I was really self-cautious. I'm still getting to know the people at work and their personalities. Because I was so self-cautious it got to my work. One of my paitents is a flirter, and he will try his hardest to kiss you. Before yesterday it didn't bother me. Yesterday I forgot which hand was the good hand and he caught my hand to kissed it. Inside my skin crawled, all I could think about was "Let my hand go, let my hand go please, let me go." Once he released my hand I felt silly. He ment no harm, and I was being ridiculous to panic so. The rest of my shift went smoothly and I could get back into the groove of things and relax. One lady kept telling me how beautiful my brown eyes were and how she loved to look at them. I know she tells everyone that, but it helped me to feel pretty again instead of an object. She has beautiful brown eyes too, and when I told her so, her face lit up.

Alls well that ends well...

I wanted to tell T just how much it ment to me that he stood up for me, how much I appreciate it. How that makes me respect and love him even more, if that was possible. Yesterday just didn't seem like the right time. I know to him that way is the "normality of life" but in my experiences its the exception.


Oh and I'm sorry to have to put comment verification on here....but I'm not getting anymore enlargement spam comments...I do appreciate the real comments though.

Excellent suggestion John, thank you!

I delved into this book last night...I couldn't put it down. "A Novel of Queen Esther: The Gilded Chamber" by Rebecca Kohn. This story although fiction paints a picture of what life could have been like for Queen Esther.

Now the reason this book captivated me was because its not a fairy tale. The charming prince is a brutish, drunk King only looking to gain pleasure from everything. The heroine is just as complex in emotion, thought and deed as any person reading this book. However, the King and the heroine can not seem to live without each other. They have their own unique painful love.

I'm not one to read a book this thick in one night, it usually takes me two or three so I can wrap my mind around it. I usually spend several hours in between sections to ask questions about why the author wrote it in that manner. This book I couldn't put down, and I just might read it again tonight. It flowed so smoothly and I couldn't wait to turn the pages. Like any good book, I experienced many emotions and could place myself in the book as anyone of the characters.

This is definitely worth buying this book, at least in my opinion.

I don't know what to write...I don't want to complain, or gripe. I don't want to write about all the mushy stuff T and I said this past week. I don't have some revelation to write about. I'm blank... completely blank this week.


Oh Well...