I spoke with God-Mum2 the other day...and she has this uncanny way of stripping me down to my most raw self. I had let my focus get obstructed and all I could see for the moment was the circumstances. I called her just to have an ear to listen, that and I know she won't baby me.

In these past weeks and months, I have seen so many things. Experienced overwhelming realities and dealt with them. I know to do this I have to be willing to lay everything down and give it to God. For the most part, I could do that...I could lay my job and family at his feet. I said I was going to lay down T as well, trust him completely to God and not worry. To stand on what God's promises are to me and trust in that. If you could picture a little girl, holding her doll and hugging that doll so tightly while her parent asks her to give it to them...that little girl is me. The more I say I'm letting go...the harder I try to hold onto it.

God-Mum2 saw this in me and made me admit it out loud. She was encouraging me. When my Father left, I felt vulnerable. I felt my covering leave, I felt open to the world and no longer protected. That covering is so very important to me, on so many levels. I found that covering again in T, he is a positive figure in my life and I cling to him. I feel protected and safe, knowing that he is there. So, its hard for me to say, "God, I lay him down and if you choose to take him a different way thats without me...so be it, just draw each of us closer." I have said it before to God, in that quiet special place and truly meant it. I felt safe and covered then. But to come out of the closet with God and walk in everyday life and say it is different. It leaves me so very vulnerable and I don't feel covered at all.

So, for me to see the everyday circumstances and how they aren't lined up with the promises yet...and I do mean yet. It is very difficult. God_Mum2 also made me think..."What if it takes 10 years for this to come true, will you be able to stand and make it through?" I believe in my deepest self that I can and will if need be. I know its a process. I know I'm strong, and that I can handle this battle. If I couldn't God wouldn't put it before me. Its the day to day that I need encouragement on, that why I posted that little pep talk yesterday.

I remember when I was a little girl, knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that if I messed up, my Father would still love me and care for me. That no matter how many times he had to spank me, he loved me. I remember just wanting to be next to him to feel safe, I didn't want to sleep if he wasn't home at night. Looking to him as a model of a man. That he didn't think me weird or out of place. Knowing that he would do anything for the family, and that he trusted God. When he left I felt like all that was ripped away.

The only other place I have been able to find that covering is with T. I fear losing him, losing that love, that covering, that communication and understanding again. She also made me see, that is why I am able to be "ME" with him and be at peace with it, because I'm covered and I'm not afraid to let him see the core of me.

She also told me that I should be that way with God all the time too...that I have to be able to see God as my covering in all things. She told me that I know my place, so stand in it and I might be scared but to square my shoulders, dig my heels in and fight for all its worth. Only I'm not fighting to "keep him" I'm fighting as an intercessor. She also reminded me that God knows everything that concerns me and he is perfecting them all.