There are a myriad of things that I want to write about, all of them racing through my head. Apart of me feels that I should pick a topic and focus all my attention on that, and make sure what I'm writting about makes sense and whatnot. However, it seems a shame to take my attention away from the other topics. So, I'm in a pickle.

Anyways, as I was driving home from work a few mintues ago, I was so very excited. Excited about several things. I'm learning Swahili from a couple of my co-workers. Its relatively easy and I like it alot. I said my first couple of sentences today...mostly related to work. Like, "Where are you going?" Mna kwenda wapi? or "What are you doing? Unafanya nini? and "Please Help me! Thank you" Tafadhali nisaidiye, asante. Its helping me keep my mind off the many draining thoughts...

While at work today, one of the residents told me I was fat while she patted my stomach. She wanted to know why I let myself get so fat. I tried to explain I was still working off the weight from being pregnant and she was ok with that. After that, everytime I went in her room she told me to take care of myself so I will be pretty. Another resident on the other hand...tried to hook me up with my co-worker. Once she understood that I am in a committed relationship she relented and told me to find the co-worker a good woman. So my day was busy to say the least. It was a good busy though, I like putting my hands to something.

I have been driving alot in my new car and I feel really comfortable in it.....oh, wait I didn't tell you guys about it! Tricci and I went in on a new car and we got it Monday! Its a 2005 Silver Chevy Malibu Classic, and it drives like a dream. I am going Monday to get my license and finally have that out the way. So I have been driving home from work and tomorrow I will take Tricci and her sister to work. Saturday we are trying to take a trip to the state border for some extra practice before Monday. I'm stoaked about it. This car was such a blessing, a miracle in my eyes.

So, while driving home I was really thinking alot about things. Everything that is going on with the people around me and what affect its having on me. Somehow in all the writtings on this blog, in my mind I still haven't conveyed the passion and intensity of my thoughts or feelings. That kind of bothers me, I want someone else to know what it is to feel this way...to be able to say they understand 100%. Mayby its insane....


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Now I didn't get to finish that sentence, because I had to get off the computer. Last night wasn't very pretty. It only confirmed even more that my Mum and brother don't see what this blog does for me. They don't understand how important it is for me to write and how hard it is to stop writting when I have started. Last night all my emotions and thoughts were right at the edge. My hands have become an extension of my mind and my heart. When I had to stop writting it was like all of it built up in my hands and in my muscles. I had to do something with the energy. Every word I spoke I felt like it was 10 times more potent. I was actually afraid to speak, thinking I would blow them away with what I said. Knowing they don't understand or frankly care made it all the more frustrating. I feel like I'm hitting my head on a brick wall, speaking a different language and making odd body movements at the same time. I see their faces peering at me behind this invisible wall, and I want so much for them to understand me. to know what I'm talking about. To feel this passion that drives me. So after trying my best to explain, and not doing anything to keep anyone up, I ended up sitting on the couch crying silently. It seemed to be the only thing that helped. I was afraid to move a muscle, and I felt so retarded my heart ripped from my chest. Why can't I make them understand me? Or what I do? Or how I feel? Whats wrong with me that I can't explain it well enough? To my Mum I probably looked as if I was pouting for not getting my way. It wasn't that at all. Just because I stopped writting didn't mean my thoughts stopped. It just meant they had no outlet. They kept circling and circling in my head. They could only escape through tears. And not all of them were bad tears. Some were of excitment, and joy, happiness as well as frustration and rage.

I finally fell into a deep sleep and I rested well, no dreams but I rested well. This morning T called, he's back in town and everything is ok. With him things are more than ok. God kept him and sustained him, they had time alone to talk and sort things out. Now that he is back, he is different, in a good way. Yes, I still miss him and count the days till I can see him face to face. God is good, all the time. That saying is true, even when it doesn't feel like that in the natural. Next time I shouldn't let that escape me, I need to hold onto it.

I don't want to stop trying to explain what goes on inside my head and my heart. The things I see and feel, why I say things and do things this way. And I don't want to stop learning that about other people. I want to know just how passionate they are inside, about the little things in life...and the big things too. But I think lots of people over look the little things we are passionate about. There are more reasons to things than, just because. I seek to find them.

Believe it or not, that actually draws me closer to God. He made us so unique, so passionate and capable of all kinds of things. I yearn to know what those are, to what extent and why. To fully understand. And sometimes thats my pitfall but I'm learning to let it go at those times.