My serious blog for the day is about... DUN D-uh DUN!!!...I don't really have a topic. You know how we do this, its whatever topic comes to mind.


I have recently had a craving for classical music. Yes, a craving. I have been playing and replaying Mozart's "The Marriage of Figaro". Playing it in the house, in the car and in my mind. There is something about it so wonderfully complicated but simple. It makes my brain think harder, listen closer and follow more precisely. To listen so closely that you not only hear all the different parts and instruments but know the next note of each. Its addicting. I have gotten several stares from people in cars beside me. A mixed (they are thinking black) woman in her 20's bumpin classical just as loud as rap or r&b. It makes me laugh.

I have been thinking alot lately about "days". We all plan out our weeks, and our months. Saying tomorrow I'm going here and there. It never really crosses our mind that tomorrow may not come, we believe that it is automatically coming. Even Christains...we hide behind "Jesus is coming soon, not tomorrow". What would I have done today, if I knew that tomorrow wasn't coming, or truly believed that it wasn't garunteed? I wouldn't be saying, "I can't wait till Friday" or "I have to be at work at 2p tomorrow and get off at 11p" To me, its mind blowing. I could not put all the things I want to do in one day...but I have wasted so many days planning to do those things next week, or next year. How unsatified would my life have been if there was no tomorrow. It makes you think of how much of your day is filled with trivial things and how much more you could do without those things.

Last night was wild....

I was supposed to cover for the 11p-7a shift till on of the other girl's got there. Then she came on time, so I went home. Now when I'm going to stay late, I call and let Mum and T know so they can look for me if something happens. So, I called T to let him know I wasn't staying at work. He said, ok get some rest and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Then at about 12 30a the phone rings, when I picked up it was T. His voice said something was seriously wrong. He explained that his sister was coming home on the bus last night and J was supposed to pick her up, but at the last minute changed his mind. I said, ok and put some clothes on. I stopped to get T and we went to go get his sister. She just turned 18 a few weeks ago. She had gone to ATL on a trip to see her boyfriend. T was angry because his best friend left his little sister stranded and he knew his knee was hurt and he couldn't go get her. He was also upset from the lack of communication from his sister, he didn't want her to go in the first place.

So we finally got to the bus station...T went in to get her but she wasn't there. That worried him alot. The attendant said the next bus was @ 3a. T comes back to the car, calling everyone he can think of to find where his sister went. Still she was no where to be found. I then asked if he had checked the bathroom for her, and when he said he didn't I went to go look. She wasn't there either. Then I talked to another attendant and he said she was never there, not on the bus, and there was no baggage for her. She might have missed her connection in Dallas. So we went back to the car. It was 1 15a and still no little sister. His Mum was hysterical, and J wouldn't answer his phone. J's girlfriend tried to defend him, then we heard in the background..."I don't care if she stays there all night or not" that made T really upset. His best friend for years...like Tricci and I, said he didn't care.

As we drove I noticed the car was almost on empty. I didn't say anything but just quietly said, "Ok God you can't let us not have gas this late at night. We have to find little sister." Then the next time I looked at the gauge...no lie....there was over a 1/4 tank in there. Before it was on E.

So then we got hungry, and went to Mickey D's after we ordered and pulled up the teller said it was cash only. Niether of us had any cash, T was going to use his card. She smiled and said its ok, I'm going to give it to you anyways. She brought us the food and we thanked her about 10 times and left. We ate and talked while waiting for the bus.

Then We waited till 3a...

Then T gets a call from his little sister and where was she?

In Jackson, Mississippi....waiting on another connection. We were out there for nothing. She won't be back till 7p tonight.

So, we drove back home. T was a more than a little upset with J and said he didn't like having me out that late at night. We talked on the way back home and I talked to his Mum. She had calmed down a little bit and thanked me for getting up and being there.

When we got to his house, I got out to get my hug and kiss. He kissed my forehead and told me how beautiful I am, and how much he love me. Then for some reason he looked up and it was perfectly clear, all the stars seemed really bright. He stood there looking at them for a couple minutes just holding each other. It was really nice. I know him, and when he is angry its not easy for him to turn it off just like that. He has to process it. And the fact that little sister isn't home yet, makes it that uch harder to process. Yet he still took the time to love on me and be gentle with me. I notice little things like that. I told him so, and that I appreciated it. He chuckled and then got really serious..."Babe, drive SAFE. Go straight home its late." I laughed at the abrupt end to all the mushy stuff. I said I would drive safe and got straight to bed. Then kissed his cheek and left.

Its always funny to me how its so natural for him to be that way with me. I guess I always thought men were different. And while I know not all men are this way, or not this way. It still surprises me.

Ummm lets see here....what to blog about. I was going to write a really deep post,but I'm too sleepy. So this is just an update...I haven't written any e-mails in a while.

Work is good...busy but I 'm lovin it.

Baby Boy is back to himself....I opened the fridge door the other morning and found toys on the shelf. He is back to dancin and sayin.. "YAY" when he does something new, exciting or something he knows he shouldn't do.

T was doing really good with his knee....but hurt it again playing with his brothers and sisters while I was at work tonight. We got to really talk and still I am amazed at the things he thinks about. He is thinking about moving Us out of state...but still hasn't decided yet. He isn't sure he wants to move baby boy and I from family and he knows I really love the job I have. I told him I was open to it though...so we will see what happens. If we did move...it wouldn't be any time soon.

I spent all weekend taking care of those two, and helping Mum with one of her papers...we finally finished @ 4am Monday morning. We started writting it Friday night.

I feel like at any moment my eyes could clamp shut and not wake till after about a week. And its cold....to cold to sleep alone. So on that note...I'm going to go take my happy little self to bed and snuggle in with baby boy and go to sleep before the dreaded alarm clock goes off again.

Now back to serious blogging....

I was flipping through the bloggin channels via the Next Blog button when I stumbled upon "Life Answers" written by Mike Miller. I found his profile interesting so I began to scroll through his posts. I found one that grabbed my attention. Little Girls, I agree about the controversy over the issue...but something still doesn't sit right with me.

I guess its because laws may have good intentions....but they are always, always abused. Even if you over looked whether you think abortion is right or wrong...the law is designed to protect girls that may want to keep the child but if a parent was notifyed that girl may be forced to have the abortion. Or vice versa...
Looking at how many times that actually happens in the US....compared to how many abortions are preformed you would think the law was out of place. They want it to protect the few but its abused by many.

Now about the whole school medication thing...I don't agree with that either...I think its a bit ridiculous. When I was in highschool, I was expected to go to the nurse's office and get verbal consent from my parents before taking even a midol. Then when I had an episode where I had to keep a certain med with me at all times to head off the episode...I was expected to let the nurse give it to me and have it stored in her office...even though if an episode had hit I wouldn't have been able to get to the nurse...or tell someone to get the nurse. So I just kept it in my purse, now if I happened to be searched I would have gotten suspended for "drug" possesion or intent to distribute a drug. Thankfully another episode did not hit and it was all gravy.

I understood I was breaking the law...but frankly didn't care. In that instance the law did not take into consideration what was best for my health. However, the law can't always do that. There has to be a boundary set that is not expected to be broken...otherwise its not really a law but a suggestion. What if I had made the whole thing up and was really passing out drugs....that would impede on the rights and health of other children....to which the school was entrusted their care. Choices....choices.

Now, I look at it this way. Nothing is absolute, but if you believe in something you should be able to take yourself and how it affects you, out of the equation. And look at it, how it pertains to others. So, if there was a parent whose child had the flu and a school nurse gave them some dayquill or something... would it be wrong for the parent to be upset with the school system? Would that parent like that he/she found out their child was sick after they were home from school, but threw up all day? What if that child was allergic to that particular med? Would that parent like to get a phone call saying their child was givin a drug by another student? Or that their child passed out drugs that harmed another student and they were getting expelled?

What if it wasn't school and meds...what if it was boyfriend/girlfriend activities? Or church outings? Or a party/sleep over? Would it be outrageous for parents to know and ask ?'s about those things?

So why is it any different if their little girl or little boy finds themselves in a pregnancy situation?
Or with STD's?

And heres a thought....what law is there to protect those that got pregnant by the family member...and they happen to not tell the parents under the guise that its none of their business/children's rights...and takes them across state lines against that child's will and makes them have an abortion?

I have always been taught...that I am my paren'ts business because they made it their business to have me...or something along those lines. Thats how I remember it. And its always the parents job to look in the child's best interest, protect them and love them even if it takes tough love sometimes.

Baby boy has pneumonia and an ear infection.

T has a really bad hurt knee.

And I get to take care of them both...

And T loved my lasgna I made for him.
-"Did you like the lasgna last night?"
-"Yeah, I took one bite and liked it, then looked at the plate and thought, 'she didn't bring me enough."
-"Well there is more here, do you want me to bring it to you?"
-"Yes!"

So, I'm Nurse Mommy and T's nurse for the week. Oddly enough....I wouldn't give the job up for anything. In between meds and cranky moods....baby boy rode on my back for the first time...he laughed and laughed. And he has mastered shaking his head no....even if he is shaking it for no reason. But at least he has the "Are you eady to go night night? ~shakes head no then laughs~ he's got that down pat.

Alot of things have been going on this weekend...and for once its not a major stress to me. I mean I acknowledge the feelings of those involved and I can see where they are coming from.

This morning my Mum let it be known that she read my e-mails that were addresses to other people. She was upset by the things I talked about or said in those e-mails. And I was just as upset with her reading what wasn't meant for her to read. I have thougt about it all day, whether or not I should apolygize for the things I wrote. But I don't believe that I should, I don't regret writting them. If I can't write exactly how I feel here and in e-mails....then where? Yet, I'm not going to shy away from what I wrote either...they are my feelings and thoughts.

Baby boy has been running a fever all weekend and there really isn't anything else wrong with him. So, I'm wondering whats going on with him. I know there is a bug going around...but he seems to have been fighting it for weeks now.

Mum had invited T over for a formal dinner...and I wrote about making lasgna and salad. Well Friday night playing basketball he hyper-extended his knee. When I called after work and after dropping Tricci off to her friend's house, he told me about it. I told him what to do to take care of it, and of course threw in there that he should see a Dr. When he saw I was getting worried about him he said, "I'm just playing don't worry, I just wanted to see your reaction." We both knew he really hurt it, that was just his way of making it funny. And mayby if I laughed it off I wouldn't worry about him. So this morning, he calls and tells me he is going to the hospital, he might have torn his miniscus (knee ligament) but for me to go ahead and make dinner. So I did, I went and got the groceries and was making dinnner when he called, saying he went to the hospital but left before being seen. Something about a waste of time. He asked me to put a plate aside for him and bring it to him later. So, I did just that. After I and the rest of the family had eaten, I took it over to him.

When I walked in the door, T's little sister "Yaya" comes straight to me and hugs me. That was a surprise, the past few days we had spent with Yaya while she was sick actually made a difference to her. I sat his plate down and took to carring for his knee. Now his step-mom was also there...and she didn't take too kindly to me "taking care" of T. You know the basic...your-not-good-enough-for-my-son, i'm-his-momma thing. But she needed me to run to the store for her...T and I left for the store. He was walking with a cane. I know how much he disliked that, how much he wanted to just walk on the knee and suffer the pain. And I have to admit, it was hard for me to know my place in that moment. I wanted to help him, to bring everything he needed to him so he wouldn't have to move. I wanted to be able to just focus my attention on him and not worry about what his step-mom thought. At the same time, I know he would have pushed me away if I tried to help more than I did. He didn't want the cane to help him walk, he certainly didn't want his girl to help him walk. So, I walked slow, but not so slow that he would feel like I was waiting on him to catch up. I offered my help in gesture, instead of words and didn't say anything when he said, "Go ahead, I'm fine" We still laughed and played together. When we got back home we had started talking about why his step-mom does not like me. From T's explaination of things, she thinks I am going to do the same scandalous things she did to T's dad...she thinks that I'm going to end up hurting him and ruining his life.

If I had of heard this 6 months ago, I would have really fretted over it. But T and I both know...and trust each other in our relationship. While I would really like them to like me, its ok if they don't...it doesn't make or break T and I.

For the past three days T's little sister has been sick and staying home from school. Here I will call here Yaya. Well on Yaya's second day home from school she figured out that it would be a while lot "fun-er" to come with T and I on our errands. I think she is the only on the in family that actually likes me. Anyways, Yaya is 6 years old and very verbal and very smart. However, she is your typical little kid that says everything she hears or sees. So, being the believer in pinapple juice that I am, we stopped off to get her some. Yaya and I were like two peas in a pod messin with T. He didn't know how to handle us both...it was really funny. Yaya was laughing and I guess feeling a little better.

Today she has a Dr.s appt. and while she was waiting we got some lunch brought it back and watched Charlie and the Chocloate Factory. The more I watch it, the better I like it. Although it will never be like the original movie with Gene Wilder. Then on the way back for the Dr.s appt..Yaya and I turned up the music and we both were singing along. T handled it well though, he laughed and started singing along himself....although he won't admit it.

On the way back to the car in the parking lot a man in this old car kept trying to back up when we were right at his bumper. That made me grab Yaya and we stopped. When T noticed we had pulled back, he noticed the man backing out. I looked up at him and T was giving the him this really mean glare. One like, "You tryin to mess with my family? whats wrong with you?" The man kept trying to back up though. T turned around and walked closer to Yaya and I and held his hand out for both of us while he stared this man down. He told Yaya and I to go ahead to the car, he stood there at the man's bumper until we sat down in the car. Then a couple words were said, and he got in the car.

The people on my job baffle me...I'm not sure what to think of them anymore. I help them and they help me, we joke around alot and its a pretty relaxed schedule in the evenings. I thought things were cool. Yet last night, B kept asking me why I always look mad...nothing was wrong with me. I wasn't even thinking about anything serious, I was just doing my job. Then the charge nurse got really stressed and needed some help with vitals. She asked if I would do it, and I didn't mind, I had one resident up who was refusing to go to bed. When I got about half way through my vitals, I see all the aides up at the nurse's station snickering..."who does she think she is, she's not special. Big whoop she is doing vitals....she always asks for help, she's weak" I didn't think more on it then and defintely didn't say anything about it. But yes, I do take my job seriously...its important to me. I agreed to do the vitals, not because I thought it would make me look special. I did because the nurse needed help...and shoot me, I like doing vitals. Its just an added bonus that next time the nurse needs help she is more applicable to letting me do something a bit harder. The whole weak comment didn't really mean anything to me, because I'm supposed to ask for help...I only had 1 lift that I can do myself. The others I just won't flop in bed, we both could get hurt like that. All the other lifts require 2 people. I know they think I'm too sweet, and that I give the residents too many choices. I know they think that I don't know what work is because I haven't worked any where else. Its ok though...I like being me. I wouldn't want someone to put me to bed even though I didn't want to go. So I don't do that to them.

Ok, Ok I know its probably not all that exciting to read about mushy stuff...but its my journal to bear with me or just skip this post. ~smiles~

Today it was really really cold and I had to drop something off to him. As soon as I got my hug and kiss on the forehead I was safe and warm. Then I spent the rest of my morning cleaning the house, mopping floors and doing laundry so that the house is perfect when T comes to dinner. Then we talked on the phone some and then I headed into work. He was just being so sweet and loving. Then when I got home from work, I called him...as per our little custom and we talked about the errands we are running tomorrow. And during these phone calls he never once said anything about e-mailing me. I came and sat down to check my e-mails and boom...there was one from him. It has been another little custom we have...it gives me a chance to say what i'm really thinking or feeling when i can't say it to his face because others are around. He usually doesn't write back, and we just talk about it the next time. This time he did though, it was short and sweet. Saying he was writting to tell me he loved me and looked forward to seeing me more often. That was the jist of it. It made me smile and feel so loved.

Yesterday, while T and I were out running errands I asked him what did he mean by saying I was his fiance...was it just for the phone call? His answer was a question..."How long have you known me?"
-"Well we met sophmore year...so 5 years."
-"ok, thats how long you knew of me...how long have you known me?"
-"3 1/2"
-"ok, I was just makin sure I got my years straight."
-"Well, what do you mean by that?"
-"Just wait and see..."
-"You know that leaves me more confused than before I asked my questions."
He laughed and patted my hand saying he didn't mean to be so complicated.

We joked around alot, and then we went to go see his Mother. I knew she had gotten sick, and was paralyzed but I never thought it was that bad. I have only seen her once and that was before she got sick. She is getting better though, gaining more muscle control.

T is coming over for a formal dinner this weekend to spend time with the family. His favorite meal is spaghetti and I have cooked that for him before but Mum says he can get spaghetti anywhere. So when I asked him what he would like to eat, he said lasagna. I have never made lasagna before but I think I have found a good recipe and hopefully it turns out. I figured that and a salad with bread would be a nice dinner. Sometimes its hard to know what he likes to eat. I know he doesn't like spicy foods, and he isn't real big on veggies. He likes bbq sauce on sandwiches and he loves ramen noodles. Its cool though, I know he won't ask me to cook ramen every night.

Last night at Covenant Care Group, I was told to continue to be faithful at my job and that a promotion with better shift hours was coming. That God had promised provision and that he would do it, just be faithful.

I smiled at that...the past two weeks really tested me on my job. I have gotten written up 3 times and I'm still in my probation period. For me that really isn't acceptable. I had gotten a little worried that at the end of my probabtion I wouldn't get the raise. Then about the middle of last week, I was really happy about my job. Even with all the drama with co-workers, and all the hassle from some of the charge nurse's and the beligerance of some of the residents....I love my job. I love being able to take care of their needs. I love it when one of the resident's tells me I gave her a A+ shower experience, or when a resident decides to come out her room for dinner with me. After that revelation I decided I wasn't going to let the negative get to me. So that word was just funny to me.

Friday, I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off. It seemed no one was on the floor but me...at one time I was the only one on the floor. But anyways, T called and the med aid answered the phone. He said it was important and she put him on hold to come find me. The unit manager got a phone call on the other line, so when I asked the med aid who it was she said, "I don't know, some guy he says its important." I asked if he called me Carrie, or Kari... She said Carrie. I'm thinking ok...that narrows it down, its someone that knows me...little brother or T. I asked what the number was that came up and it was T. I borrowed her phone thinking there was something really wrong...like T saying he was going to the hospital. On the contrary....He had washed checks in the laundry. My heart was racing but I had to laugh at the situation. We got it all sorted out on my break and he was good to go. He left out of town for some business and he will be back soon.

Mum and I have been getting along alot better and there hasn't been the bickering with little brother and I. It makes things alot easier here. Its time to get ready for the holidays and decorationg the house and stuff. It will be very interesting with baby boy up and running this time around. I was thinking though...what the holidays really mean to me. With T it is just like any other day, just more food. I don't think he ever spent two holidays with the same people. The holdiays to me are just time to spend with your family, loving each other. Its not about the presents, or the food...they are just something you share with family. My Mum and Dad always told us the story of christmas. However, now I see Christmas and Thanksgiving as family time together...and carrying Jesus with us all year long. I'm still not big into presents, but I love decorating and putting up a tree, finding that one gift thats perfect for someone special and watching them open it.

I frequently visit the Travel the Road forum site and from time to time leave comments. The latest topic that caught my eyes was the topic of dating. A young lady wrote in saying she was afraid of dating because she didn't want to get heartbroken. I can understand that...and in many ways I think teens take things way too fast in relationships...which only makes the hurt worse when it ends. another person responded to her by saying it was not God's way to date, that she should not date anyone and trust that God bring the boy to her when she was ready. She also suggested a book, "I Kiss Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. I just really don't agree that one should never date. Again, its all a balance. Sometimes you have relationships with boys/girls for a reason, to learn something about yourself or how to relate/care for others. We as flesh and bone take things too far, thats what gets us in trouble. Instead of teaching our children and teens to never date...we should teach them what dating and courtship is, what should and shouldn't happen in a relationship. I heard my family say lots of times, "You should only date when your ready to get married." And while thats not the situation I'm in right now, I do see the wisdom in that saying.

If we could get our children to see, that a relationship is not kissing and holding hands. Those are acts of affection...not a relationship, and that those things mean so much more when you do have a relationship. And teach our children to value themselves and those they care for, then just mayby they will do better in relationships then we are doing. Cause I could kiss all day long, but if I don't know and care for that person....it does absolutly nothing for me. I found out too that kissing is considered very intimate for some or mayby even most men. I remember when T would tell me just how much he loved kissing me. It sounded silly to me, because of the way little girl's fantasize about kissing. Now, I know just how much kissing means to him, and that he doesn't just kiss everyone. So when he kisses my forehead, my cheek or my hand it means something. It shows his love and respect.

Now on the other hand, there are those that don't date. Like my parents for example...My Mum says to this day, she did not date anyone growing up. My father was only her friend until they were engaged (in her mind), he was her first kiss...her first everything. And has been her only. I know in my Dad's mind they were "dating" and I remember hearing something about him telling the other guys to back off. Just like there are those that meet over the internet or through dating services and find their one true match. So, I think it all comes down to balance...sometimes to find the truest love you have to look in the most unconventional places...other times its a life long friend or just a guy who happened to ask you out. Sometimes it will hit you in the face...other times you have to look for it. There is no absolute way to find love, there is no absolute way to experience love and never get hurt. It has to be a chance your willing to take.

Tattoo

I finally went to the tattoo place, KingTat Graphics, to look at getting my tattoo. When Tricci, her little sister and I walked in the apprentice tried to ask us how he could help, but he was really rude and acted like he didn't want us there. Then the owner, walked up and he was like a live wire. He was really nice and cool....he flirted alot with little sister and I. He talked to me about being realistic with the tattoo and tattoo size and what he could do and not do. We looked at some pictures online of orchids and some of the flowers he has already done. We decided on a mix of the two. A leg piece at my thigh, vertically with about 3 to 4 orchids and foliage done all in simple color. He said to think about it for a couple weeks and come back with shorts when I'm ready to get tatted.


So we will see....

Men and Women

I have learned alot about men this week and how peculiar they really are. The observations I am going to make about men are about the men from work and I do not mean to say that "every" man is this way.

K, so at work there is a guy that likes me and he let it be known about a week ago. Now my response was, "I have a man already, sorry" And for the sake of what i'm writting i will call him "One". One took that to mean, "try harder" so he persisted. Then he changed to, "will you ever leave him for me, do i have a chance?" I responded no to that too.

Then some of his friends started talking to me. We will call them "Ant", "R" and "S" and they all work in the same department. One by one they started paying me compliments and making sly advances like, "He said you have a sexy voice....but he wouldn't' be lyin'. " I said thank you politely and changed the subject or found some other work to do.

Still other men started making comments to me. "B" and "J" who work in my department and who know i'm in a relationship with T. B firmly believes that to truly be happy in a relationship you need an outside sex partner to keep you wanting the one your in a relationship with. If thats not confusing I don't know what is. I truly believe that a man and a woman can be completely faithful to each other the whole time they are married or in a relationship and be happy together. Why would you need an outside partner to remind you how much you love your spouse? Thats counter-productive. If you love them sooo much...why hurt them like that. B's response was, "Your gonna be so hurt when you find out after 50 years he had women on the side. All men have women on the side." I blew him off and changed the subject.

Then I needed help with a resident and J tells me, "You know I can't tell you no." After that I said I wouldn't ask for anyone's help and just take my time doing it and stay late if I had to. While I was making sure I had all my stuff done I started thinking. "What made these guys come out the woodwork?" I don't think its "me" they are after.

They seem to be all in a competition with themselves. The funny thing to me is, if I said yes to one of them...all of them would probably stop talking to me. Because to them the "hunt" would be over. However, there is no way I'm saying yes to any of them. The firmer my answer, "No, i'm with T." "No, I'm not leaving him." the harder they try. To myself, i found this kind of funny. What am I going to do? I thought mayby I could come to work looking tired and ugly and they will stop...but i don't do anything to look specially cute @ work anyways...just my scrubs, hair in a bun, no make-up, earrings and ring is the extent of my jewelry, and deoderant with a light scent. Besides that, I still have to represent the facility I work at.

~~~~~
On a side note though, I was proud of myself for not feeling overly uncomfortable. The only one that attentions scare me is One's. I feel very uncomfortable around him. I told T and my manager and hopefully it can be dealt with. The rest of them, I can see it as just competition between guys...and I know I can hold my own against them.
~~~~~

Still I want to just be able to walk into work and work...not worry about he said, she said stuff. I don't want to just stop talking, and never smile. I love my job and doing it makes me feel good.

Any suggestions? Why do men do this?

Today caught me completely off guard. T called to ask if I would do him a favor and make some phone calls for him.
-"Babe, I need you to make this phone call for me and see where this mail ended up, ok?"
-"I would but they won't tell me that info. its certified mail...they will want to speak to you."
-"Just tell them your my fiance..."

T has never used that word before and he didn't elaborate on it.

Sometimes you just need to hear the small things...T told me to call after I got off of work, so I did and he said he just wanted to ask me how work was and make plans for tomorrow. He is going with me to look at a tattoo place...but more about that in a minute.

So I started telling him about all the funny, and ridiculous things from work and he fell asleep on me. I know cause he was snoring...really loudly in my ear. I sat for a while just listening to him snore. His snore was comforting, and it made me think of how I felt when my dad snored at night. He would snore so loudly I could hear him from upstairs with the doors shut. But instead of it bothering me, it let me know he was there and oddly enough he was never too sleep or snoring too loudly that he didn't hear me call for him when I needed something or was afraid. My dad always had this special hearing, if I cried at night he heard me.

I remember one time, I had read a book about the holocaust. One of the characters in the book was put in the smoke stacks. I cried in my sleep, I guess I was dreaming about it, but my dad heard me. He came and woke me up and talked to me. K, that was off the subject just a little.

After hearing him snore and remembering how my dad's snoring comforted me, I woke him up and told him to go get some sleep. I almost laughed when he woke really easily, I don't know why I was so quiet to wake him. But all I said was "T, babe hangup so you can get some sleep" he woke saying for me to finish talking about work and started snoring again. I finally just said my love yous and hung up.


Now about the tattoos, I found a local place that does really good tattoos, I have seen a handful of the ones he has free-handed. So I thought I would go down and see what he can do with orchids and writting languages. I will probably punk out from seeing the needles, but the first visit is just to see if I like the drawing he makes up. I have thought alot about what other Christians would say about it. I know of alot of people on both sides of the issue, and I can see both of their points. However, I don't see anything wrong with it...its a safety thing for me. I will definetly be making sure he uses an autoclave to clean all his tools. I use to think that it was a sin to have something marked on your skin. Not so anymore, I am not writting or drawing anything degrading to anyone and the tattoo represents some deeply important to me. I have had these designs for at least 3 years. We will see what happens though.

T and I thought We might be pregnant this week. And even though We decided to wait a couple more years, We were really excited. I was so excited that I could hardly keep myself contained. We started to change our plans, to make room for growing a family. There isn't much else to say other than, We aren't expecting anymore and I don't know how to explain my feelings about it. Upset, sad, hurt, disappointed doesn't really capture my feelings. There is not much else to say really.

This past week has flown by, and even in the midst of all the drama going on....I'm really excited and happy. I can't say why just yet....but hopefully by next week I can.

I'm so excited to hard to sit still while I type this!

I don't want to relive any of the harsh things said this week, so I will only write about the good.


Last week was my Mum's birthday, and all she could talk about was going to see Cirque Dreams @ our local PAC. They were not in town until this weekend. So Friday, little brother and I went and bought her a ticket and went to her work site and surprised her with the ticket. She was soooo excited. The showing was for today at 2pm, she went and throughly enjoyed herself.




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Its 2am and I can't sleep. I'm too excited! I'm just about this close to saying what it is anyway.
I'll keep it a secret just a while longer I think. Who knows....

Emotions

I feel like pretty much everyone around thinks that emotions are taking me over. These past few days I have heard words like...emotionaly dependant, needy, emotionally overwhelmed. They look and think of me as a weak, oppressed little girl.

This all makes me sick!

I am not weak. There isn't anything worng with my emotions. For goodness sake it is ok to be emotional, thats why we have emotions. And please don't pick the time that my hormones are playing a number on me, to bring up different psychosis. If these people only knew exactly how strong I am, they would think twice about saying things like that. No, I don't have everything figured out, and at times I am really gullable, thats not abnormal.

I think the problem is, very few people see all of me. They see the part that relates to them, or only the parts they accept and want to get to know. In turn it makes me aprehensive to showing all of me, knowing they won't understand. My thoughts and views on things aren't always simple...they are always simply complicated. But I'm tired of excusing myself for being me. I'm tired of holding back parts of me, so that no one gets offended. I'm tired of wondering if I fit other people's image of me. And for a change they will have to deal with me, not me deal with their reaction to me. They will just have to see, the rare and unique woman that I am. They think I'm trying to be like Tricci, that I'm conforming to what I think T likes or not, that I'm trying to be the perfect everything, I'm not... please....please stop thinking that. And I think Everyone will like who I really am, a whole lot more than who they see now. Its hard to explain on the blog, because here I can say exactly what I think. So if you only know me in the blog world, this isn't a rant towards you. Ironically its to those that don't read this blog.

I agree that my realtionship with Tricci is well, not balanced as much as it should be. And it might be time that we part ways, who knows right now. It might be that we should just be friends and not so close. That will play out in time, I'm not worried about it.

I leave you this to ponder. If you think my emotions overwhelm me, and you think at times I'm more than dramactic....why does it pile up? Would it be that way if you allowed me to share myself openly?

More Wedding Talk

This morning after I wrote in the blog, T and I went out for a while then came back here. We spent a lovely couple of hours together and we talked alot. We both have the sniffles and feel kind of icky, but at least we felt icky together. We talked alot about the surprise wedding yesterday. And I have to say I really don't understand his step-mom anymore. She still loves T's Dad and when he comes to town she has already said she would go to him. We talked about how strong T's dad and his step-mom were connected, and with them knowing that why do they still split up? Who knows, and I still wish her well in finding what she truly needs, even if I think she is happier with T's Dad its not up to me.

After hearing all the drama that went along with yesterday, we talked about our wedding. To T its not about the special vows or the flowers or the people. He prefers it to be short, quiet and meaningful, the meaningful part being that I am his wife.
-"What is your version of a big wedding?" he said.
-"I don't know, the kind on t.v."
-"Those are gigiantic, woman."
- giggle- "I'm not a gotti wedding type, I like how my Grandparents got married"
-"How was that?"

My Grandparents got married in their 30's in my Great-Grandmother's house, under the arch way. My Grandfather got the minister to marry them and in exchange my grandfather would sing at the minister's wedding. It was only family and a few friends. The house is not big at all. It was short, sweet and its lasted all these many years.

-"And what kind of ring do you like?"
-"I like simple fem rings, I don't like diamonds though"
-chuckle-"I think your the first woman to say they don't like diamonds"
-"Oh well, I just might be"

I told him about a woman my Mum knows who is looking at a $10k diamond ring. We both agreed that was ridiculous and that payment should be used for a house payment. It was quiet for a while, I cuddled underneath his arm and he softly rubbed my hands and we watched the little brother play video games. (he's home sick too)

We also talked about work, kids, family, and school. I'm trying to go back to school to get my R.N. and the program that I would take is 2 years full time. I wanted to start this spring, but was a little bit worried about time with everyone. I want to be able to see baby boy more than I do now, I only see him about 10 min a night and then the weekends. I want to be able to see you, more than once a week. He stopped me..."I told you, don't worry about me, this is your time to get what you need to get done."
-"Its not that I worry about you, at least not as much as I use to. Its that I don't like being away from you."

It was quiet for a what seemed like forever, and I was beginning to think that he was going to ignore it and move to something else. Then he leaned into me, kissed my forehead and played with my hair, looking me straight in the eye. Then forehead to forehead he said, "I understand how you feel, I feel the same way, I know what you mean, babe." Of course it hit me straight on and I started to cry. All he said was, "Don't" and kissed the tears away. That made me smile and We sat for another long while just quiet, holding each other. I felt so very protected and loved.

And of course I had to think of something stupid to say after that, and we laughed. "If you don't like surprises, then how am I supposed to surprise you?" And so he can't change his mind later, I'm writting it here, he is making exceptions for me. I can surprise him, just as long as its a good surprise. I can agree to that.

So now its time to get ready for work.

Meeting the Need

Sunday, in a conversation with Tricci a comment was made..."Well, you have always been needy. And thats not healthy for anybody." All that night I racked my brain and made myself miserable trying to contemplate all the ins and outs of it. Then yesterday I talked to my Mentor about it. And she said thats Tricci's opinion and I have to be ok with myself and not worry about what other people think.

That made sense to me. So, yes I'm very touchy-feely affectionate, be around you all the time person. Not out of need, because I am able to do things by myself, its out of love. I like to touch you when you come through the door. I like all of us to sit at the dinner table and eat and talk. I like to cuddle and be around those I love. I'm not the type that can be in my room while they are in their respective rooms all night. I don't like knowing I cooked a meal and no one but me eats it. I don't like each of us having our own t.v. and watching 3 different things. I don't like to be in the same room and not be talking. Thats just how I'm wired. Thats how I know you love me and how I show my love to others. Yes, sometimes I take it as rejection when a person wants to be alone, but I'm doing very well with handling that now. It used to really hurt my feelings when one of my friends or family would want some time by themselves. That would be the only "unhealthy" part I see about it and I have for many years worked on respecting their alone time.

So, this point and many others made me decide not to move in with Tricci and her sister. That and I already have other plans. She is disappointed and upset but I would rather her be that now, than have a ruined relationship later.

There also was a surprise wedding yesterday...

T's stepmom and her long time on and off again boyfriend got married. Outside, in the cold on Halloween. I wish them well, and that they have a place in each other. Not many people were thrilled about this some what spontaneous wedding, but we are all trying to make the best of it. Its not about how we all wanted her to work things out with T's dad. Its not about some of us feel this new guy isn't up to par. Its about the choice they made to be faithful, loving and always uplifting each other. I wish them well on fufilling that commitment together. The rest of us will deal with our feelings about it in an adult, civilized manner. I think she knows it won't happen over night and I don't think she is trying to make it that way.