Merry Christmas Everyone!


check out my new link on the sidebar, its a photo blog with awesome pictures.

Baby Boy

Today was Baby Boy's testing...it came back normal. I wasn't able to have a 2nd Dr. see him before the test, but he will be seen next week by both Dr.s

Some men whistle from afar and all they see...

is make-up with my hair down...

me.

They stand back from all the happenings in my life...

and try their best to make me a scandolous trife...

They don't see my smiles & laughter...

I'm just a sex toy to come after...

To them I have no emotions...

nor thoughts...

They become upset when I don't lay down on the spot.

Starting to Pick Up the Pieces

Thank you John, Grey Eagle, Uncle A and You know who for the comments you left on my last post. They encouraged me lots. Uncle A, I didn't even know you read this, but I'm glad you do or did...you know what I mean.

John I hadn't thought of getting a second opinion until you commented about it. I have been trying to find a second peds Dr. for baby boy to see before the cystic fibrosis testing on the 20th.


That night I wrote Falling Apart, my little brother surprised me. When he heard me crying he made some hot tea and something to eat, he brought it to me with some kleenex. It was the sweetest thing...especially for him. Teenage years have been hitting him hard. I truly appreciated it though and hugged his neck.

T came home Tuesday afternoon, but something is wrong with the phone. He came over yesterday to tell me what all is going on. He is going to BCT and AIT in Missiouri for 17 weeks. He leaves Jan. 19th. His MOS is mode of vechicle transportation...which I think in civilian terms would be a mechanic. He wanted Health Care Technician but there were no openings, mayby he will get to change later...I don't know how all that works. After his AIT he will be stationed somewhere. On his wishlist of 3 stateside, he put east coast cities. And on his 3 abroad he put Italy, Germany and I can't remember the last one. We talked about the move again, and we decided that while he was gone we would be getting ready to move. If he is abroad...we will talk about it some more. If he is stateside then we will move.

We also talked more about the whole pushing me away thing. He said he would try not to push me away and I said I would be more understanding if he did.

So, thats a bit better...we can work with that. And now that I'm looking for a 2nd opinion on the Dr. I don't feel so anxious about it. I will wait to see what they say before spasing out again. Of course prayers have helped me too. When I wrote before that my heart was shattering...it wasn't just because of T. It was because all I could see was my baby boy in a hospital bed with tubes running out of him. And I know with cystic fibrosis, children can pass before they reach 10, and I just could not imagine my life without my baby. Not being able to fix it, or make it better...that is what shattered me.

I still can't get the resident that passed away out of my head. I had her hall last night, and all her stuff is still there. I did good though and didn't cry, but I still hear her voice.

Falling Apart

Everything is falling apart...and I'm sitting here with the pieces. And it seems all I can do is cry over each one. I am trying so hard to be strong knowing T is leaving soon. To support him and encourage him in his goals. Yet ever so slightly he is pushing me away, again. It hurts. I'm not sure what else to say about it. I know its his way of coping with having to leave...its his way of preparing himself to be away. I'm trying hard to understand that in him, I don't want him to fail. But when he won't talk to me, and won't hold me. When he holds back what he is feeling and saying, it cuts me deep. The salt over the cut is right before he started pushing me away he told me, "You know you are my heart." That makes the tears stream faster and the ache worsen, just remembering his face when he said it.

My mind is cracking...

My body...eroding...

My heart is breaking...no shattering from the force of the blow.

My whimpers are hidden under the hoarsness of my voice.

My sobs are not as deep as the throb in my chest.

My body is heavy with pain and contorted muscles yet my quick step has to push it aside.

Nothing can compare to the longing I have for....sweet rest.

The emptiness in my eyes are only hidden by their drooping bags of restlessness...

My smiles and laughter are forced to fool those around me...

but slowly my grip is loosening and one situation after another I'm slipping...

At work one of my residents was ill, she was 100 and she came from Germany. She was a sweet lady. When she was ill, she held my hand asking me to please not leave her alone to die. Later that night she went to the hospital, and by morning she had passed. Her voice rings in my head, "Please, don't leave me to die. I don't want to die alone, please don't leave." I can't get her out of my head.

Baby boy went to the Dr. yesterday and he has lost weight since the last visit. I explained that he is eating about twice as much, that he eats all day. I'm up to feeding him 2 eggs in the morning. At least 2 to 3 cups of whole milk, plus 2 pediasures a day. So, she drew blood to run a battery of tests on. She also set up another appt. to have him tested for Cystic Fibrosis and asthma. That right there makes me furious, my son does not have either of them. then the Dr. says if he doesn't have one of those two things, to explain him loosing weight she wants to put him in the hospital and make him gain weight. Now I'm not sure if its common knowledge...but I know from working in the field that the only way to MAKE someone gain weight in the hospital is to put in a PEG tube (feeding tube) and there is no way they are doing that to my baby. If you were to look at my baby, he doesn't look ill. He doesn't even look too small. He looks like a healthy, curious, bouncing off the walls baby boy. Its only when you look at his stats that make you say he is too small. He is 19lbs and 18mths. He should be around 35lbs. I don't know what to think about it. HE has no mental retardation, no physical handicap, infact he is doing more mentally and physically then most children his age and has been since he was 12mths. He is steadily growing and learning new things.

There isn't much more to say about everything...I don't have the words.

Disappointed in discipline

Two days ago I got written up at work twice. Yes, twice in one day...for little stupid things. Yesterday I got called into the D.O.N.'s office. I missed the bullet of suspension just by a hair. So the rest of the day I was just watching my p's and q's.

Well today while I was working I was thinking of how disappointed in myself I was for getting written up. All of my write ups have been for careless things. Things that I should have never missed. I have 5 to 6 write ups for things like that and I am still on my 3 month probation per new hires. My 3 months aren't up until Jan. 2nd.

I thought about how that reflected on my character. There was no excuses for gettting written up. I don't blame the ones that wrote me up, I blame myself. The reasoning of "I wasn't thinking" doesn't fly with me anymore. What it boils down to is...a lack of discipline. I don't have enough discipline to make sure that every detail of my job description is fufilled before its time for my shift to end. And if for some reason I am truly prevented from completing a task, then I should tell the charge nurse.

The probable desicion is this...T will go to ATL for basic, AIT and training. Then once he is stationed he will have baby boy and I move down to where he is stationed.

We talked about it long and hard. I tried my best to see his point of veiw and he tried to see mine. I respect his thoughts and feelings about them so I won't bring them up here. After we both felt we said our peace.

I said, that I was not going anywhere and whatever he thought he needed to do, I know he would be great at it and support him in it. I told him a memory that I had with my father a long time ago, about jobs and money. And while it may seem like fairy tale thinking thats truly how I feel about it. And that I will always be his.

(Now for those that are thinking I should have never said that I will always be his...thats your opinion, its your right to disagree if you choose. However, don't discount and put aside how much I meant what I said.)

I teared up on him a couple times, but managed not to out and out cry. He told me he knew how hard that was for meto say it, and that he needed to hear me say that. He kissed my cheek, and I his and he just held me. Even though I didn't want him to go, I know that he is...I know that he will do wonderfully, I know that I will be there with him eventually. And everything will be as it should be. And if by chance it does not happen that way. Then God will have to give me that grace to let him go.

After I left I did cry...I cried because of what I said and how much I meant it. I literally thought in the car..."Girl, why didn't you cry and pout, scream no and make him stay? Why did you tell him it was ok?" The only answer I could tell myself was, "because I love him too much for him to stay where he isn't being challenged in life. I love him too much to want him to be miserable here. Because I love him too much to be selfish in this, and because I truly do mean it...if I said I didn't it would be a lie. And if for nothing else, I promised I would never lie to him"

If BCT is 9 weeks...and AIT is 9-24 weeks. Thats an 18 week min. and an 33 week max. So, 8 months....I can do that. It will be hard...but its doable.

I haven't posted in a few days and I'm not really sure what to write. Well, I do but I don't know exactly how to say it. Apart of me is thinking, "This is my blog, you promised not to tip-toe around on it." The other part is thinking, "I really don't want to confrontation if my Mum reads this." Choices, choices.

I guess I could start out with how my weekend went.

Thursday night, T and I went to go get lil sister or which ever day it was that early in the morning. While we were driving home I made a ridiculous request...he didn't say no right away, said he would think about it. It wasn't the most considerate request and I really shouldn't have let it miff me when he didn't do it. To make it worse, I knew he would be sleep and trying to rest his knee, but called anyways and got even more upset when he didn't hide that he was miffed too. When I finally got my lunch break at work, I called and apolygized...or at least tried to. I didn't get that far in that conversation. He did tell me though, that he wanted met to get more sleep and not be running around all the time. That made my miff ease and when I was about to apolygize call lights came on from no where. So I had to go, even though it was my lunch break.

Friday night everyone on my floor at work was planning to go out to eat and play pool after work. I was going to go, but Tricci had already planned to go to a swingers club with her guy and some friends. (friends I don't associate with) She basically told me tough luck she was using the car and she was going to drop me straight home after work. I was cool, didn't say much about it. In the car on the way home she asked if I wanted to go with her... I politely declined but that really upset me. She knows I don't go to things like that. If she wanted to go, thats one thing... she knows how I feel about that and she is grown. So I felt like nothing should have been said. I came home, finished eating my dinner and talked to T on the phone. We talked a really long time.

We talked about why each of us was miffed and I finally got to apolygize. He didn't think it was that big of a deal and said he was only miffed because the phone kept ringing just when he would get to sleep and it was across the room, with his knee hurting he didn't go get it. After that we started talking about his job interveiws and plans for Christmas. Our usual "what if" ?s came up around 2am and finally around 3a he put both of us to bed.

Saturday, I took Mum to the library and little brother and baby boy to buy some school pants. Then the three of us and T went to the mall. It was nice, just passing the time. Little brother said he was excited to be spending some time with T, but then at the mall wandered off on his own for most of the time. The three of us ducked in and out of stores and talked about everything we could think of. Baby boy sat contently in his stroller and talked to the people passing by. We ran into some people from our highschool and talked to them a little bit. After saying goodbye we both laughed at not knowing their names and how they just assumed we were married and all that stuff. In the stores salespeople would crack us up. I guess we hadn't noticed it before. If they were male, they would talk to T but make sure they included me in the conversation. One guy was surprised when T asked me a question about a product and I knew more about it than the salesguy. If it was a female, she would talk to the both of us then ask me what I thought of it. She was shocked when I turned around and asked T what he thought of it. I don't know...I think he would look good in green but...as my famous saying goes..."Your the one who has to wear it, so you better like it...it doesn't matter if I do or not" The funny thing was, we weren't all mushy in the mall. We found little brother and got something to eat, then went to go pick up Mum.

After T went home, we started decorating the house for Christmas. While buying garland, I ran into T's cousin and his babies Momma, they have two beautiful girl's. I noticed them down the isle. But thinking that his cousin had only seen me twice, that he wouldn't remember me. His babies Momma, was in one of my senior classes and she never took the time to know me. When he saw me, he said, "Look theres C" she smiled but wanted to keep on walking. I said Hi to the both of them and asked how they were doing. He said they were fine and it was good to see me, as she was steadily trying to push the buggy. I reminded Mum who he was, he helped T move us into the apartment. He moved the dishes remember? She did and she waved bye.

Sunday morning, I went to get T's step-Mum from around the corner, her tire blew on her car. It was scary, it wasn't just a flat tire...the tread was coming off. I took her to work and then tried to head back to bed. I couldn't though. I think all I'm going to say on this post about it is that Mum and I didn't see eye to eye about going to church. I stayed home with baby boy and when they got back from church we finished decorating and ate dinner and watched Extreme Makeover:Home Edition.

Now, that everyone has gone to bed, I cleaned the kitchen, set the table with the china and picked up the floors. It finally feels like Christmas is coming. And even though, it will be my first Christmas without my family and that saddens me. I'm getting a little more excited about the time of year anyways. It been a couple Christamas' to get back excited about it. Last Christmas I was only excited because it was baby boy's first one. But the year before that we didn't even decorate anything. Now things are getting a little back to normal for this time of year.


Update on moving: It looks like the possiblities of moving to ATL, GA is getting greater. No def. decision yet...we are still talking everything over.

Baby Boy: He is himself again, running and playing. He is completely over his pneumonia!