Falling Apart

Everything is falling apart...and I'm sitting here with the pieces. And it seems all I can do is cry over each one. I am trying so hard to be strong knowing T is leaving soon. To support him and encourage him in his goals. Yet ever so slightly he is pushing me away, again. It hurts. I'm not sure what else to say about it. I know its his way of coping with having to leave...its his way of preparing himself to be away. I'm trying hard to understand that in him, I don't want him to fail. But when he won't talk to me, and won't hold me. When he holds back what he is feeling and saying, it cuts me deep. The salt over the cut is right before he started pushing me away he told me, "You know you are my heart." That makes the tears stream faster and the ache worsen, just remembering his face when he said it.

My mind is cracking...

My body...eroding...

My heart is breaking...no shattering from the force of the blow.

My whimpers are hidden under the hoarsness of my voice.

My sobs are not as deep as the throb in my chest.

My body is heavy with pain and contorted muscles yet my quick step has to push it aside.

Nothing can compare to the longing I have for....sweet rest.

The emptiness in my eyes are only hidden by their drooping bags of restlessness...

My smiles and laughter are forced to fool those around me...

but slowly my grip is loosening and one situation after another I'm slipping...

At work one of my residents was ill, she was 100 and she came from Germany. She was a sweet lady. When she was ill, she held my hand asking me to please not leave her alone to die. Later that night she went to the hospital, and by morning she had passed. Her voice rings in my head, "Please, don't leave me to die. I don't want to die alone, please don't leave." I can't get her out of my head.

Baby boy went to the Dr. yesterday and he has lost weight since the last visit. I explained that he is eating about twice as much, that he eats all day. I'm up to feeding him 2 eggs in the morning. At least 2 to 3 cups of whole milk, plus 2 pediasures a day. So, she drew blood to run a battery of tests on. She also set up another appt. to have him tested for Cystic Fibrosis and asthma. That right there makes me furious, my son does not have either of them. then the Dr. says if he doesn't have one of those two things, to explain him loosing weight she wants to put him in the hospital and make him gain weight. Now I'm not sure if its common knowledge...but I know from working in the field that the only way to MAKE someone gain weight in the hospital is to put in a PEG tube (feeding tube) and there is no way they are doing that to my baby. If you were to look at my baby, he doesn't look ill. He doesn't even look too small. He looks like a healthy, curious, bouncing off the walls baby boy. Its only when you look at his stats that make you say he is too small. He is 19lbs and 18mths. He should be around 35lbs. I don't know what to think about it. HE has no mental retardation, no physical handicap, infact he is doing more mentally and physically then most children his age and has been since he was 12mths. He is steadily growing and learning new things.

There isn't much more to say about everything...I don't have the words.