My Frustration

Today has been a very very frustrating day...and what surprised me about it was the reasons for my frustration.

My frustrations from work have me almost in tears. Today was just a blur, from getting up to laying down, eating, bathing and everything called for in between. It wasn't doing other people's work that bothered me. It wasn't that the Dr. got on my nerves more than usual. It was that I was too busy to take the time with my residents. I had to change em, put em in bed and off I flew to the next room. All while I am constantly being reminded by family and sitters, that their resident is the "only" one that needs attention at that particular point in time. Which just so happened to be every point in time between 630 this morning and 3 this afternoon. I didn't have time to talk or joke with the residents. Didn't have time to be extra gentle and make them feel comfortable. Then to look up and notice that no one else is even phased by this, that made me angry. Please don't expect me to do 3 peoples work and then bark at me for not doing it to the same calibur that I would have just doing my work. No I didn't get to make beds, or take the trash out every time I put something in it...but then again I didn't get to tend to them with care, I didn't get to let them soak for a while in a warm bath. I didn't get to stay with them while they thought they were sick. Things that are all really important to me, and I believe they are important to the residents as well. And please believe I am not going to treat a grown man as a child. He can have paitence just like the other 10 residents that I needed to tend to. I am not going to stop in the middle of changing another resident just to put you to bed. They deserve their time as well, they have also been waiting. And I have not forgotten you, I know you need to be laid down too.

The hospital of my dreams, that I interveiwed with a week ago, sent me a letter saying they weren't interested in me for the job. Which is very disappointing...she never called my references...never even gave me a chance really. The letter was really upseting to me, I have always wanted to work there. And I know that one day I will, just turns out...it isn't right now.

And what am I doing with my life. what is my calling and purpose. Which ironically goes with what we are trying to figure out in church.

I can definetly say that I am supposed to be a mother, a wife and a nurse. All things I am passionate about. But ok...what about my writting, or my music... sometimes the urge to write is sooo great. That is why I keep this blog, my Mum says if I don't write a book by the time I'm 40 then she will get me. What about that place I get into when I sing. What about my dreams and visions and their meanings. What about the missions in Thailand and Africa. What about the teaching and mentoring/encouraging... teaching and mentoring young girls/women on everyday topics like body image and peer pressure, teen mothers and all the things the worry little girls and make them into women too soon. What about the physical therapy/spa center on the 700 acres of land. What about the future? What about the present? Then add to that a family, and helping them accomplish the goals they have set for themselves. And the urge to just fill the needs of everyday people.

I know I'm not supposed to be teaching right now...I'm not qualified to be a RN right now. I know I'm not supposed to build a therapy center right now. However, I do know that being a mother to baby boy is right now. That right now I am supposed to work on me while T is gone. But I don't want to start school again just to stop, I don't want to go to a community college. But I don't want to wait another year for an opening in Tech school.

T called from BCT...he is doing well and has adjusted to the new sleeping hours. 4am is really early for him. He has finished a week of paperwork and rules and regs. He is going to take a two week fitness course, working out three times daily to strengthen his knee before he actually starts BCT. Then nine weeks and its Graduation. As soon as he knows all of his unit info and address and times and dates he will call or mail it to me. I asked if he was enjoying it and he didn't really know yet, but still sounded excited. Before I could think to say it, he said I love you first. I really needed to hear it and it meant alot to me. He had to make it short though, and said he would call as soon as he could.

After that I sort of calmed down...alot. I'm still sorting through everything, still frstrated and disappointed...but I have a calmer, veiw point. Talking to T always helps, always calms me...even if we don't talk about what is going on.

100th Post

This is my 100th post, and I have a fitting topic. It has taken me 100 posts to get this far...
The ME that I am, is not going to change...and that is OK! With everything that has gone on in these 100 posts I have come to see myself in a new light. Just the other day I was pondering why I am the way I am, how I can become the way everyone else thinks I should be and why haven't I changed into that by now...

Then while feeding "Mrs. M" I heard quietly, "You only think that because you have no idea how beautiful I made you...I made you this way"

This is becoming my "hearing spot" it seems the past couple days I have heard a little something in that spot, where my mind is numb and I am staring into the faces of people not really seeing them, waiting to feed them another bite. The day before I heard, "I gave you a gift for all of them...(then flashed pictures of the mind, body, soul and spirit, and heart) Think about it." Needless to say, I thought long and hard about it.

Its high time I become the Me that I am, the ME I was meant to be from Creation. There are somethings that will never change about me...its my hardwiring.

I am learning to fall in love with ME, the real ME, for the 1st time. Embracing all of myself is difficult, but wonderful at the same time.

Little Things

The little things have always caught my attention in life. Here are a few little things I experienced recently.

Baby Boy running to me and when I pick him up,
he starts patting my back with his head on my shoulder.

T calling just before he falls asleep because he remembered that he promised to call me later.

"Kat" reaching up to hug me when I lay her down for bed and
telling me how gentle I am with her.

How Baby Boy snuggles next to me with his hand on my cheek.



Let the little things in your life make you take notice. Its worth is unmeasurable.

T and I have been talking a lot about "being healthy" He is concerned that I haven't lost all my pregnancy weight, among other things. Things that I think are valid points.

For me its more than just exercising or watching what I eat. If it was just about that, the weight would have been off months ago. I love to workout and I have made a habit of eating salads, otherwise I don't eat a whole lot either.

Its the unwanted attention. I have had breasts since the 4th grade. My first bra was a C cup. I will always be heavy chested. I remember thinking when I was in middle school, "If my stomach gets big, they won't notice my chest. They will leave me alone." I received a lot of unwanted attention by guys growing up. I also got attention from girls. One girl told everyone in my class that I purposely wore bras that were too small. My chest got bigger and bigger, I had 3 different cup sizes in one school year. So I let my stomach get bigger and bigger with it. By the time I got to highschool, it was just something to deal with. My senior year in school, I finally decided it was time to let that all go and be me. I lost over 45 lbs. Just when I started to feel comfortable with myself and my clothes, I began receiving that unwanted attention again.

In college, it continued and I couldn't handle it.

Now, Im afraid of what will happen if I lose the weight. I don't want that kind of attention again. As much as I would like it, I can't have a pocket bodyguard to beat down anyone who didn't stop when I asked the first time. Passersby, I can ignore...but when they are in my face, thats another story.

So before i can loose any weight...i have to tackle this issue first.

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Today I was watching a show about OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) I had no idea it could be so vary so much. The ritualizing or small things....thats wild. At first I thought, just do it already...it doesn't matter how many times you touch something. Then I thought about how I have used rituals like that in my life to relax. I think at times we all do, something that could be labeled as OCD. For me its pulling the split ends of my hair, or sometimes a hair that just doesn't feel right. I have been doing that for a couple years now. My Mum and friends can't stand it. Anyways, I thought it was an interesting show. We all have a psychosis...all of us.

Its been a while since I have posted here. This is actually my first post of the year. Some old and some new stuff to write about.

Baby boy went to the Dr. and he has gained 2 1/2 lbs!!! He won't have to go again for another month. That was a really really big worry that was lifted.

My shift at work changed so I can be home at night. I think that will work a whole lot better for Baby boy and the family. So far its hard getting use to the new schedule but its far worth it to be able to play with him at night, eat dinner with him and have bath time together. This weekend I'll be able to catch up on my sleep if need be.

T hurt his knee again this week. Its not as bad as the first time but he still can't bend it or walk on it very well. He has put in a request to push back his leave date for a month to 6 weeks. He is on a very strict diet, so he can make weight. He has to loose 13lbs. I guess me making lasagna and his Grammy making apple pies doesn't help much. And no, I'm not trying to sabotage him, I have made several runs to the store for the things in his diet that he can eat.

I have found a school that I am going to apply to for the fall. I will send in my application next week, for their LPN program. It would really be an adventure to attend this program. We will see what they say.

Overall, things are highly stressed, but life is great. It may not all turn out like I want it to, but we will make it through together...of that I am certain. Family is all you need.

Have a tremendously blessed 2006! I will be adding new links to the sidebar. Please take your time and visit each one of them. All of the links should work, and they are pretty interesting in my book.