My Frustration

Today has been a very very frustrating day...and what surprised me about it was the reasons for my frustration.

My frustrations from work have me almost in tears. Today was just a blur, from getting up to laying down, eating, bathing and everything called for in between. It wasn't doing other people's work that bothered me. It wasn't that the Dr. got on my nerves more than usual. It was that I was too busy to take the time with my residents. I had to change em, put em in bed and off I flew to the next room. All while I am constantly being reminded by family and sitters, that their resident is the "only" one that needs attention at that particular point in time. Which just so happened to be every point in time between 630 this morning and 3 this afternoon. I didn't have time to talk or joke with the residents. Didn't have time to be extra gentle and make them feel comfortable. Then to look up and notice that no one else is even phased by this, that made me angry. Please don't expect me to do 3 peoples work and then bark at me for not doing it to the same calibur that I would have just doing my work. No I didn't get to make beds, or take the trash out every time I put something in it...but then again I didn't get to tend to them with care, I didn't get to let them soak for a while in a warm bath. I didn't get to stay with them while they thought they were sick. Things that are all really important to me, and I believe they are important to the residents as well. And please believe I am not going to treat a grown man as a child. He can have paitence just like the other 10 residents that I needed to tend to. I am not going to stop in the middle of changing another resident just to put you to bed. They deserve their time as well, they have also been waiting. And I have not forgotten you, I know you need to be laid down too.

The hospital of my dreams, that I interveiwed with a week ago, sent me a letter saying they weren't interested in me for the job. Which is very disappointing...she never called my references...never even gave me a chance really. The letter was really upseting to me, I have always wanted to work there. And I know that one day I will, just turns out...it isn't right now.

And what am I doing with my life. what is my calling and purpose. Which ironically goes with what we are trying to figure out in church.

I can definetly say that I am supposed to be a mother, a wife and a nurse. All things I am passionate about. But ok...what about my writting, or my music... sometimes the urge to write is sooo great. That is why I keep this blog, my Mum says if I don't write a book by the time I'm 40 then she will get me. What about that place I get into when I sing. What about my dreams and visions and their meanings. What about the missions in Thailand and Africa. What about the teaching and mentoring/encouraging... teaching and mentoring young girls/women on everyday topics like body image and peer pressure, teen mothers and all the things the worry little girls and make them into women too soon. What about the physical therapy/spa center on the 700 acres of land. What about the future? What about the present? Then add to that a family, and helping them accomplish the goals they have set for themselves. And the urge to just fill the needs of everyday people.

I know I'm not supposed to be teaching right now...I'm not qualified to be a RN right now. I know I'm not supposed to build a therapy center right now. However, I do know that being a mother to baby boy is right now. That right now I am supposed to work on me while T is gone. But I don't want to start school again just to stop, I don't want to go to a community college. But I don't want to wait another year for an opening in Tech school.

T called from BCT...he is doing well and has adjusted to the new sleeping hours. 4am is really early for him. He has finished a week of paperwork and rules and regs. He is going to take a two week fitness course, working out three times daily to strengthen his knee before he actually starts BCT. Then nine weeks and its Graduation. As soon as he knows all of his unit info and address and times and dates he will call or mail it to me. I asked if he was enjoying it and he didn't really know yet, but still sounded excited. Before I could think to say it, he said I love you first. I really needed to hear it and it meant alot to me. He had to make it short though, and said he would call as soon as he could.

After that I sort of calmed down...alot. I'm still sorting through everything, still frstrated and disappointed...but I have a calmer, veiw point. Talking to T always helps, always calms me...even if we don't talk about what is going on.