Wonderful Weekend

This weekend has been great! Friday after work I went to t's Mom's house. I took his brother and two sisters (15, 16, and 18) to run some errands and spend time together. We didn't get to do all we wanted so I had planned to pick them up to go shopping today. T's Mom and I talked and are planning to go to his graduation together since she can't drive. Then when I got home and setteled T called!! We only got to talk for 2 minutes but it was so good to hear his voice again. He said it was still boring to him and he got my second letter and was about to read it. He also said he was working on my second letter and he missed me.

So today, I went and got the T's sisters and we went shopping, all of us and baby boy. We went out to a near by town to shop and ran some errands, came back and got their brother and went around town. We got the car washed, went to Wal-Mart and ate some dinner. His oldest sister asked me to help her with one of her senior projects and if we could work out together. His brother wants me to come on wednesdays and play basketball with him. When we got back home I was talkin to T's Mom and she told me T had called her and told her that he was going to church every Sunday now....that is more than wonderful news...I had begun to wonder if he would set foot in a church again.


But of course that isn't all of it. This morning I worked Angel Food @ the church. One of the intercessors made the comment that he had finally met me, they pray for me. I asked what they prayed about and he exactly exactly exactly hit the point....he told me things that I could never explain to anyone else. Things I really needed to hear. One of the things he said was that God was doing a great work in T right now.

So its very exciting...even though its a hard place right now, its a growing place...learning to lean on God that much more. Its not going to be easy but nothing ever is that is worth doing.

Matrix Love

Since it snowed and sleeted all weekend here, the family and I decided to watch all 3 Matrix movies as a marathon Saturday night. I had seen the first two but never the third one. I have heard several people say that this trilogy was based off of the life of Jesus. I don't know if I would say the life of Jesus, but it definitely has the whole savior complex. But you know me...I have to look at and talk about what was apparent to me.

The characters Neo and Trinity; Niobi and Morpheus; Z and Link and even the architect and the Oracle.....all share a unique love. Lets look at each of them shall we?

First and I think one of the easiest to talk about...The architect and the Oracle...
They were on either side of the "Machine side" The Oracle wanting peace and the architect wanting just to win...To balance the equation. Yet they both are portrayed as the Mother and Father of the Matrix...Somehow to me...That translates into a love. You see I don't think that all love is mushy and easy. To me, the love they shared was difficult but neither one could bare to see the other destroyed. I suppose some would see that as mutual respect not a kind of love...But hey they aren't ME. Just the way they were around each other...They knew the other's weakness but didn't use it to destroy them.

Then there is Morpheus and Niobi....The love they shared wasn't easy either...It seems they both had to go and "sample" other things. They even had an anger between them...Yet they were there for each other when they needed it and could not deny that they needed each other. That no matter how hard they tried they cared what happened to the other. One thing they had to let go of, was the hurt between them. They had to learn how to truly trust each other.

Then there is Z and Link...Who argue because of the care and concern for the other one. They didn't always understand that that is what they were doing...But they stood in each other's corner. Z as a woman did the hard thing and stayed in the face of danger if it meant she could see him again. And Link went to face an unknown danger to save the woman he loved. In the end making it back to each other's arms was so worth it.

Then there is Neo and Trinity...Such a "great" man who could do all of these wonderful things, changed many people's lives...Yet he still needed her. She was such a strong woman, who could handle her own, yet still she needed him...In a way to protect her. Their love was so strong that death had a hard time separating them.

Now that being said, I do know that it is just a movie... And what I am about to say may seem far out...But I truly believe it in my heart of hearts...And therefore it is real to me. No I don't believe in the Matrix...And I'm not some Trekkie.

While watching the movie I remembered a conversation T and I had a long long time ago...We were still in highschool...And it was shortly after I told him I loved him. I already knew that he loved me. We were talking after school at a park, we had a little blanket on the side of the hill. We laid there and just talked...

There was something bothering T. I never knew quiet what it was that bothered him, but I knew it had to do with leaving me by death. He asked me would I be able to move on without him? What would happen to me if I was here laying with him dying in my arms. I remember laying on his chest playing with a button and tearing up. The thought of him dying had never ever crossed my mind before. And I know it was silly to say, but I meant it with every fiber in my being...And still mean it. If he were laying in my arms dying, I would not allow him to die...I would cry out to God so that I believe he would send him back to me, heal him whatever it took. That I could and would not see a world without him. I don't think he believed what I said, he wanted to know the for real answer. But that was the only answer I had. After a while I asked him the same question. He told me the same answer.

Also while in school, I had many people try and talk me out of this love with T. A friend once asked me what if he did something horrible...Could you forgive him and stay? Once again, I had the most naive, wrong answer that anyone wanted to hear...But it was the truth of my heart. That he could do anything and I would still be his. Yes, I might be hurt but my love was strong enough to forgive and love him anyways. They all thought me foolish...And said in time I would regret it and be hurt.

And yes, we have hurt each other...But our love is stronger than that and we are still here. Love does not mean you will never get hurt or be angry.

The truth of my heart is not always accepted in society or understood. However that does not make it false. He knows that I would give anything for him. He even once said that I shouldn't feel that way, because everything is a lot. And I know that, but that doesn't make it a lie. He said I was his everything...And most would agree that he shouldn't have said that either...But I know for a fact he does not say things that aren't the truth of his heart either... LOL...Sometimes we may wish they weren't but they are.

So I said all of that to say this...Yes I do believe that there is a love that strong out there....T and I share it. We don't let go and we won't. There are a many that won't understand...And that is ok...They don't have to.

???

My Mum just said the weirdest thing to me.....

You are looking at possibly getting married this year you need to be preparing...deciding what kind of wedding you want to have...

-well neither of us want a big wedding, but i know if the family isn't invited there will be hell to pay.

-that depends they would want to, but it might be get married today cause he is being shipped out tomorrow and you have to leave. You need to be cooking, well you already know how to cook, but cooking and cleaning the house, and getting ready for marriage, to be all you can be, its alot to take care of.

-thats what i have been working on...???

that blew me away because in her mind we were just "friends" until a short while ago. And she didn't know why I was upset that he left for the army. I'm not sure if that was her way of saying she accepts and looks forward to it....or what.

Its been a while since I have written but lots of things have been going on. alot of things have changed in ME.

First I want to talk about the letters I got from T! I was sooo excited to get a letter from him. I was literally bouncing up and down. He is doing great!!! and BCT is alot easier than he thought it would be. He told me about being maced and pepper sprayed, even salt poured in his eyes. He was also put in a gas chamber exercise. He didn't like that too much...but who would. He said next was the warrior tower for repeling. He is getting along with the people there and says he rushes alot to wait. He said he missed me like crazy for real and that he loved me.

Of course I wrote him back and will be sending it off today in the mail. I'm home with Baby boy sick with a light cold.

Anyways, what else. I had Tricci color my hair...I did something completely unexpected and "wild" I'm now a two-toner. I have bright copper red hair on the top and medium brown with hints of red on the bottom. It turned out great. Everyone says it becomes me...well except Mum the only thing she said was "Its Purple!" But its cool, she doesn't have to like it, its my hair. It was really a big deal for me, I wanted it to turn out so much. I had to come to grips with....ITS ONLY HAIR...its grows and changes. If it doesn't work it will be ok. But it turned out great. Then I got my hair cut...2 inches and relayered, oh and a side swipe bang. So when its straight its right at my eye level.

I found a pine tar soap for my face....its working better than anything else has and its only been a couple days.

I'm still working out, and have fended off the "diet pill" temptation. I'm not knocking those that use them, but for me there is somethiing about making my self get off the couch and go to the gym. I feel tons better about myself.

I'm looking for a great outfit for Graduation. I have figured out the colors I would most like...bright emerald green and chocolate brown. With my hair and skin tone...that would look fabulous. I'm thinking a satin fabric. Not sure whether to do a pants suit, skirt set or dress....we will see. I have 6 weeks to find it.

I visited a Messianic Church the other week. That is a Jewish church or synagouge that believes Jesus was and is the Messiah...Christians that follow the Jewish ways. It was very interesting. The people were warm and friendly. We sang Hebrew songs and cantars. I saw the lighting of the Menora and touched the Torah. I think the thing that stood out more than anything to me was oddly enough, the Menora candles had the stillest flame on each of them...it never moved. I think I will go again to another Shebat service.

At my church, Father's House I am taking a Jewish Feasts class. We talked about the importance of Passover...or Pesauch. Its amazing what it all represents and means...I look forward to celebrating it when it comes.

Oh, and I saw this thing about cuddling on tv...it was weird but it made lots of sense...at least to me. I have heard that statistic that a woman needs to be touched affectionately at least 8 times a day that doesn't lead to sex. Like hugging or a holding hands, cuddling, rubbing her back, playing with her hair. So as I was waiting for Mr. to get out the bathroom it hit me....

WE GIVE AWAY MOST WHAT WE WANT TO RECIEVE

I mean looking back over my life...I always loved cuddling with my dad, and loved the sunday afternoon nap when all of us piled in the bed. I am usually sitting closer to someone than farther away. Baby boy and I cuddle and touch all the time. And it always seemed weird to me before but I would always be touching T in some way. One of my favorite things was to trace the sides of his hairline, or the back of his neck. It doesn't bother him, but the more and more I think about it, that was for me. Its a physical intimacy with those you love and sex has nothing to do with it. When I was pregnant, I would be in a tiff because when everyone came home from school and work....they didn't hug or touch me in some way. I was alone all day with lil bump. I really miss hugging my dad and my mum. And cuddling on the couch.

But I'm also learning that it isn't just in regards to touch. I have a thing about being polite and saying thank you, no thank you, excuse me and stuff like that. I need for people to say that to me, so I always make sure that I do that for them. Whether they need it or not. For me its not so much about the manners...although I do think every lady should have them. Its about appreciating someone...and being appreciated. Valued.

Its an interesting way to look at things...and you could find out alot about others around you. What is it that they give so freely? Is it something they need in their life? I know sometimes it would be so much simpler just to say, "hey i need a hug" or "can you cuddle with me, i really need it" but in all honesty its not always easy to ask, and sometimes you just don't want to ask...you know it kills the moment kind of thing. Still I think its all about being flexible. I know there are times when T can't or doesn't want to be that close. So I have to be flexible enough to let him have space and truly cherish the times when he chooses to be flexible on my behalf. And not just with T...he was my example...its with everyone.

Mmmm what to write about? Well to start off with...my day was so-so. It was cool with my residents. The Dr. went back to repeating himself ten times for something and not listening to directions. And frankly it hurt my feelings. I thought he knew that I would take care of him, and do all the little things he deems important before I left the room. Its ok though, I think its just me being a little sensitive.

Today I just longed to talk to T. To be able to hear his voice and see his smile. For the life of me I can't understand how other men pick up on that...or mayby they were just being extra pushy today...or mayby I was just more sensitive to it. One guy brought up that T was probably at BCT with some "cadet" right now...I laughed, told him to shut up and kept on walking. I don't doubt for one minute that there are beautiful women at BCT. Thats all good and well, but there is nothing more to it in my mind. I trust T. end of story.

Other than that, one of the new orientees told me that white vinegar would help my face from breaking out. Because the sugar scrub has helped up to a point. Like everything else it only gets me so far. I've tried, proactive, phisoderm, clean and clear, edgar morris, dove, noxema, tea tree oil, and sugar. So mayby the vinegar will help more.

I just came back from working out, and I'm trying to think of what I'm going to do with my hair for church tonight. I feel like being a girly girl tonight. I'm waiting to get my hair cut and flat ironed till closer to graduation. Its been at least 6 months since I wore it straight, so it should be a nice change. Speaking of graduation...I'm trying to find a cute outfit for it...Don't know wether I should wear a pants outfit, or a dress. I do know one thing though...I am going to find me some bad to the bone heels.

I haven't slept really well the past few night....my dreams they are intensifying. I'll explain later. Right now I have to jump in the shower.

So, for last couple of weeks I have been playing with baby boy, working out and trying to survive as ME. So far its been liberating to say the least. I have been working out 2-3 times a week...and will up it to 4 this week. I am down to 211.4 at my last weigh in last week. My whole point of veiw about food has changed. Sweet foods are too sweet...water never tasted so good and a good salad is what i crave. Yet when I look in the mirror...im soooo disgusted with my body. It doesn't match the ME I am inside. I am so proud of myself for the effort and the work I have done. Yet there is a long way to go. Its amazing how much energy and self confidence a simple work out brings out in you.

I talked to T's real mum yesterday and one of his sisters. And I realized how much he is still with me. How much I love him and am proud of him. And that no matter what things we go through, disagreements are nothing compared to the love between us. He is my One. And even though this seems like a long time without him...its only a matter of weeks...we have survived years. This spring will be our 3rd year...still growing with each other and on our own.

These next few weeks will present alot of changes for me....wish me luck!