I have been racking my brain trying to find something to write about here...I browsed through many blogs reading a few lines here and there looking for inspiration. I have looked through every crevice of my life that I'm willing to discuss...and it seems its all been done before...

So I suppose the saying...nothing new under the sun...applies here. I won't say life is boring...because its not. I just want something good to write about...something that will make readers pause and really ponder a given thought. I guess you could say I want to write something that people can't put down...something so descriptive they feel in that place...with those sensations...with those feelings and memories of it. Something that makes the scene jump out of the imagination...past the page and into their sight...a sort of reading virtual reality. Pour a little of myself out and share it. Yet I'm still perplexed as to what to write about.

I'm not sure whether its something lovely, violent, childish or mature that I want to describe so vividly... mayby a mix of all of them.

I'm also trying to write T a last letter before I head down to the base for Graduation. Everything I want to write about...I would much rather say in person...but on the other hand I know I won't have that much time to sit and talk with him about all this stuff. So writting this last letter has become very very hard. I have to send it tomorrow for him to get it in time.

Today was a bit chaotic...stressin about the rental car for the trip and being excited put me over the edge. I just couldn't deal with people today. I managed to keep it reigned in though...
However, because there was no outlet for it...constructive or otherwise...I have been tense all night. Not been able to relax and let go. I have thought many times that writting here helped, and it does...but I'm finding the feedback and discussion about the given topics or circumstance is needed. I could talk with T about it...but letters don't do it justice and 2 min phone calls every other week are not cuttin it. Yet...I'm not sure if I trust anyone else enough to completely let go and tell them everything that is going on. And even as much as I talk about saying whatever I want to on this blog... inevitably, there are things on here that only touch the surface.

But anyways...today I found out that something I had written had been discovered by someone else...and they suggested I write a book about it because I was very detailed. It was flattering but I think that is as far as that goes. Mayby one day I will write a book about something else. I hate being so vague in my writtings....something...someone....something else...but anywho.

Baby Boy is learning new words...red, green, why, car, ball, mine, read, and boy. That is in addition to his other known words...Mommy, Daddy, Nana, light, that, hi, bye, Ry, Saiah, Bobbi, and baby. Everything else is "huh"

We were talking earlier in Feasts of the L-rd class on Wednesday nights...that a persons name is like a seed being planted everytime that name is spoken...that a name has powerful meaning into the person you are or will become...so I looked up names...

my name means...Joy, song of happiness & worthy of being loved, loveable.

baby boy's name means...son of the right hand, laughter... his middle name is a family surname.

T's name means...Priceless, highly praiseworthy, he adds & wealthy guardian, strong as a boar.

Thats pretty interesting...it almost makes me want everyone to start calling meby both names like my mother use to do all the time. So everytime I heard it...I would be reminded. Everytime T heard it he would know that he is going to do great things with his life. He won't have to live under the word that he won't do anything. And everytime Baby boy hears his name...he would know just how special he is....

I'm not really sure what I'm gong to write here....I just know that I miss writting on the blog everyday. With so much planning and work and family...and being constantly tired there hasn't been much time to write.

I'm beginning to feel nervous about seeing T again...that butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach and it feels as if your whole body is overwhelmed by it radiating in waves. Where you can't help but smile your biggest smile everytime you think about it. Where your voice just sounds happy and peppy. Every step you take is like walking on air. Everything you see is seen through rose colored glasses, and the world is a lovely place once again. Thats the feeling...

And oddly enough, I still feel all the other feelings, associated with the different areas of my life right now, but this one feeling....eases all the others.

7 days till we leave for Graduation!!!

I had my LPN interveiw yesterday...I am scheduled to take a math and english entrance exam on the 11th on April. From there I will have another interveiw and know if I got in or not. Classes start May 22nd or September 18th....so Im crossin my fingers.

Everything is pretty much in place for the trip, just have to start gathering everything to put in the suitcase and make sure its all clean. I am kind of nervous though...T's step mom doesn't like me and she has made it very clear...I don't want this reunion to be remembered as a family arguement or scene so I will smile politely and walk away from it if anything is said. I love T too much for this to be a bad day in his memory.

Other than that, I am stoaked!

Its only 11 days till T's Graduation!!

I'm getting use to the idea of him leaving for Iraq, its still hard to think about...but God is still good. Between my family, friends and his...I have a great support system. I got my second letter from T yesterday. I didn't expect such a long letter, 3 pages is really long for him. Anyways, he told me about his Basic and Advanced Rifle Marksmanship courses, his Fitness test, Warrior tower and field training exercises. Finally he is having fun, its really cold there, but he is having fun. We both can't wait to see each other and his friends and family that is also going.

In other news, I have an interveiw for an LPN program this Wednesday. We will see what happens. Its an 11 1/2 month course and I would have my LPN. Since I'm proud to say that I made my first goal...of being 200 lbs of less for his Graduation. I'm confident in making my second goal...obtain my LPN by the time he gets back! Classes start in May and again in September. It would be best for everyone all around for me to get my LPN. It would mean a huge pay jump, and I could do more for and with Baby Boy, save for our future and just be more fufilled in my work. Once I have my LPN, there is an RN bridge program there too...but we will take it one step at a time.

I'm also glad to say, that I have paid myself out of the ridiculous debt I had massed by being irresponsible. And I did it by myself...I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want them ....mainly my mother to feel like she had to dig me out, or lecture me to do it. It was something I had to sacrifice and do it myself. A lesson in banking I had to learn and thankfully it didn't mess up my credit or inspire any warrants or prosecution. I know that sounds rough...but it was very possible that could have happened. I'm super proud of myself though, for taking care of it. I guess its another reason why this trip is so huge for me. It with my own money...I saved for every bit of this trip...the car, the gas, the food, the clothes, and the hotel room. T's Mum did offer to pay our room because I took care of renting the car...so I thought it was fair. But I still have that money saved. I kind of look at it, as my first trip as a woman...not riding on other people, but taking care of business. Plus I get to see T!!!!

Wednesday night was a really hard night for me. After church I picked T's sister up from night school and took her home. T's mother was telling me how he told her he was going to miss us so much after graduation. Then she let it slip that he was being stationed in Iraq. I heard a scream "No!" and felt tears hit my cheeks, only it didn't feel like it was my voice screaming, or my tears streaming. She told me she knew how I felt, but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything else. I just felt so angry, sad and hurt. The whole way home I cried, "God why? It's not fair. Why did I have to hear it from his mother? You promised me all of the things you showed me. You can't let him go to Iraq. You can't let him get hurt, you have to bring him back whole if he must go. Why did he have to sign up for the army anyways?" And a million other thoughts. I came home, and went to bed but couldn't sleep.

The next morning I couldn't talk to anyone, I made myself speak to those at work I absolutely had to. My voice was barely a whisper I just didn't have the energy. I walked into a residen'ts room, and the news was on showing a blown up car in Iraq. I lost it, and had to duck into an empty room and cried. My whole day went like that. I cried at least 8 times at work and tried my best to hold back tears at least 3. There is nothingI can do to fix it, I can't shield him from seeing those things, I can't comfort him after a hard day. I can't beg the army to let him stay out of the war. Then I got in trouble with a resident and ended up yelling at him. I just had way too much constant hounding, being followed and yelled at from down the hall, repeating himself after I just told him I would help him but I needed help. When my supervisor called me to talkabout it, I explained what was going on. And yes I was wrong, I shouldn't have let him get to me like that, or even if he did I should have never yelled at him. I lost it in tears in her office again. She started crying and told me her son-in-law was going for his 2nd tour in Iraq. She let me compose myself to finish the rest of my shift.

After work, I cried again on the way to pick up Tricci from work. When she got off I told her what was wrong and told her exactly what I was feeling. I was mad at the President, at the war, at the millions of people in Iraq that had nothing to do with it, at T for going to the army, at God, at myself....and the list went on. She listened quietly then when we reached the house she spoke. She told me that I had every right to be mad and upset. But she told me not to mourn as those who have no hope. To do like the Jewish people do and mourn for 3 days and then regardless of how I feel I have to rejoice in the goodness of God, because he is still on the throne and he will still work it out. That in all the things I saw, all of his promises I never once saw T broken so I have to trust that God will preform all that he said he would. Because if I wasn't going to stand on his promises then I might as well look him in the face and say God lied. She also told me not to let doubt and fear rule, because I am stronger than that and I needed to be strong for T. Then she said, you never know...mayby this will make him into the man you saw in those visions, mayby this will strenthen his walk with God and you don't want to take that away from him. I will pray with you that he is protected and brought back whole, mentally, spiritually, physically....so don't worry.

That meant the world to me. Everyone that saw me cry, all they could say was "well he knew that going into the army," or "it will be ok" But Tricci was right on it. I can't let my faith dwindle just because things didn't go the way I thought they would. That my love for God and for T has to be stronger than that. God will see us through.

So today was better, I teared up a couple times and it was hard to get my day started but it got there. I was also reminded that T would hate seeing me so upset, and it would make it harder for him to do what he has to. He is a man of his word and a man of integrity he would never go AWAL. So I can't make it harder than it has to be for him. And it is only a couple short weeks til graduation and I still want that to be a happy reunion, even just for the couple of days we are there.

On this post I would appreciate any comments of encouragement, scripture or just your thoughts. It would mean alot to me.

Thanks for listening though...or well reading.

Of all places.....Iraq....

Its only 28 days untill T's Graduation!!!! I'm so very very excited, I can't wait to see him. He called yesterday after church and hearing his voice was an incredible feeling. All I could do was giggle and smile for 2 hours after just a 6 min. phone call...He said its still boring for him, but he is looking forward to seeing everyone again...although his attention will have to be divided between 10 or so people in all of 4 hours...that we know of. He might get the weekend off and can come home !

Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord

Its has been a long time since I have been able to articulate anything to post here. There seems to be a part of me so overwhelmed with life right now that all I can afford to be is numb, blind and naieve...however...as much as I try to be these things I long to live life as truly myself, the self I was created to be.

And not too long ago I said I was going to be ME regardless of what happens or comes my way.

There is a part of me that longs to tell everyone around me...especially T about the things that I see, hear and feel. I want so badly for someone to understand those things. My dreams are so intense, and now its not just what I see in dreams....but in everything around me. I constantly hear God's voice, my eyes see more of the spiritual realm than the natural more times than not. I even see people that are drawn to me because of it. I see the longing in their eyes. Yet when I go to explain, or to share this world with those around me...I start to show a glimpse and they all have the same look on their face...as if they don't understand the language that I'm speaking. That it is all too freaky for them. Or like with T....we both see it...and it pulls of us both, but we are scared. Too scared to acknowledge it with the other...but we both know its there...we look into each other's eyes and see it. There are moments where all we can do is pause. And even while he is away...I feel it, I feel him.

Last night it hit me really hard...I am so scared of my future. I see how hard it is going to be. I see how radically things will change...yet T and I long for it. We both see it. Then I look around and all I can think is "I see dead people" and laugh...things like this don't happen. Its just my imagination....runn'in away with me. Then God takes me back and shows me all of the people that radically impacted their world...they were all scared, overwhelmed...afraid to fail, or not be good enough. All of them at one or more points in their lives were scared and wanted to turn back....act as if it had never crossed their mind.

I have tried living as if I don't see these things so intensly. And no matter how hard I try, I can not stop from crying when I look outside my window and see the smallest leaf. And I am always reminded....even the smallest thing were created by God...and of the millions upon billions of things in this world...all of them are different. No personality, no face, no body, no tree, insect or beast...no snowflake or cloud, no star or planet. Who am I to say I'm too afraid to try? Who am I to say that it won't ever work?

I'm afraid people will also think me as arrogant or prideful or not take me seriously at all. I'm not off my rocker...I don't even believe that I should be the one seeing this. I don't want to keep it to myself. The only explaination I can give for any of it, is I wanted to truly know God and what he wanted me to do. I know if anyone would say that and truly mean it then God would show them too. And in all honesty...the only thing keeping me from saying God take it from me...is that I know beyond all shadow of doubt that he won't let me down, that what he started he will finish...not just in me or T...but in all of us. Even the US I have and will never meet until we get to Heaven. This road for me maybe hard...but I'm not alone...

So I pray for everyone that he open the eyes of your heart, and visit you in dreams and take you to places you have never seen, that his goodness and love would overwhelm you, that you would hear his voice clearer than ever before and that all of the things he has destined for you to accomplish you will fufill. That through hard times in your life...joy, peace and understanding abound in you and flow to others around you.