Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord

Its has been a long time since I have been able to articulate anything to post here. There seems to be a part of me so overwhelmed with life right now that all I can afford to be is numb, blind and naieve...however...as much as I try to be these things I long to live life as truly myself, the self I was created to be.

And not too long ago I said I was going to be ME regardless of what happens or comes my way.

There is a part of me that longs to tell everyone around me...especially T about the things that I see, hear and feel. I want so badly for someone to understand those things. My dreams are so intense, and now its not just what I see in dreams....but in everything around me. I constantly hear God's voice, my eyes see more of the spiritual realm than the natural more times than not. I even see people that are drawn to me because of it. I see the longing in their eyes. Yet when I go to explain, or to share this world with those around me...I start to show a glimpse and they all have the same look on their face...as if they don't understand the language that I'm speaking. That it is all too freaky for them. Or like with T....we both see it...and it pulls of us both, but we are scared. Too scared to acknowledge it with the other...but we both know its there...we look into each other's eyes and see it. There are moments where all we can do is pause. And even while he is away...I feel it, I feel him.

Last night it hit me really hard...I am so scared of my future. I see how hard it is going to be. I see how radically things will change...yet T and I long for it. We both see it. Then I look around and all I can think is "I see dead people" and laugh...things like this don't happen. Its just my imagination....runn'in away with me. Then God takes me back and shows me all of the people that radically impacted their world...they were all scared, overwhelmed...afraid to fail, or not be good enough. All of them at one or more points in their lives were scared and wanted to turn back....act as if it had never crossed their mind.

I have tried living as if I don't see these things so intensly. And no matter how hard I try, I can not stop from crying when I look outside my window and see the smallest leaf. And I am always reminded....even the smallest thing were created by God...and of the millions upon billions of things in this world...all of them are different. No personality, no face, no body, no tree, insect or beast...no snowflake or cloud, no star or planet. Who am I to say I'm too afraid to try? Who am I to say that it won't ever work?

I'm afraid people will also think me as arrogant or prideful or not take me seriously at all. I'm not off my rocker...I don't even believe that I should be the one seeing this. I don't want to keep it to myself. The only explaination I can give for any of it, is I wanted to truly know God and what he wanted me to do. I know if anyone would say that and truly mean it then God would show them too. And in all honesty...the only thing keeping me from saying God take it from me...is that I know beyond all shadow of doubt that he won't let me down, that what he started he will finish...not just in me or T...but in all of us. Even the US I have and will never meet until we get to Heaven. This road for me maybe hard...but I'm not alone...

So I pray for everyone that he open the eyes of your heart, and visit you in dreams and take you to places you have never seen, that his goodness and love would overwhelm you, that you would hear his voice clearer than ever before and that all of the things he has destined for you to accomplish you will fufill. That through hard times in your life...joy, peace and understanding abound in you and flow to others around you.