Wednesday night was a really hard night for me. After church I picked T's sister up from night school and took her home. T's mother was telling me how he told her he was going to miss us so much after graduation. Then she let it slip that he was being stationed in Iraq. I heard a scream "No!" and felt tears hit my cheeks, only it didn't feel like it was my voice screaming, or my tears streaming. She told me she knew how I felt, but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything else. I just felt so angry, sad and hurt. The whole way home I cried, "God why? It's not fair. Why did I have to hear it from his mother? You promised me all of the things you showed me. You can't let him go to Iraq. You can't let him get hurt, you have to bring him back whole if he must go. Why did he have to sign up for the army anyways?" And a million other thoughts. I came home, and went to bed but couldn't sleep.

The next morning I couldn't talk to anyone, I made myself speak to those at work I absolutely had to. My voice was barely a whisper I just didn't have the energy. I walked into a residen'ts room, and the news was on showing a blown up car in Iraq. I lost it, and had to duck into an empty room and cried. My whole day went like that. I cried at least 8 times at work and tried my best to hold back tears at least 3. There is nothingI can do to fix it, I can't shield him from seeing those things, I can't comfort him after a hard day. I can't beg the army to let him stay out of the war. Then I got in trouble with a resident and ended up yelling at him. I just had way too much constant hounding, being followed and yelled at from down the hall, repeating himself after I just told him I would help him but I needed help. When my supervisor called me to talkabout it, I explained what was going on. And yes I was wrong, I shouldn't have let him get to me like that, or even if he did I should have never yelled at him. I lost it in tears in her office again. She started crying and told me her son-in-law was going for his 2nd tour in Iraq. She let me compose myself to finish the rest of my shift.

After work, I cried again on the way to pick up Tricci from work. When she got off I told her what was wrong and told her exactly what I was feeling. I was mad at the President, at the war, at the millions of people in Iraq that had nothing to do with it, at T for going to the army, at God, at myself....and the list went on. She listened quietly then when we reached the house she spoke. She told me that I had every right to be mad and upset. But she told me not to mourn as those who have no hope. To do like the Jewish people do and mourn for 3 days and then regardless of how I feel I have to rejoice in the goodness of God, because he is still on the throne and he will still work it out. That in all the things I saw, all of his promises I never once saw T broken so I have to trust that God will preform all that he said he would. Because if I wasn't going to stand on his promises then I might as well look him in the face and say God lied. She also told me not to let doubt and fear rule, because I am stronger than that and I needed to be strong for T. Then she said, you never know...mayby this will make him into the man you saw in those visions, mayby this will strenthen his walk with God and you don't want to take that away from him. I will pray with you that he is protected and brought back whole, mentally, spiritually, physically....so don't worry.

That meant the world to me. Everyone that saw me cry, all they could say was "well he knew that going into the army," or "it will be ok" But Tricci was right on it. I can't let my faith dwindle just because things didn't go the way I thought they would. That my love for God and for T has to be stronger than that. God will see us through.

So today was better, I teared up a couple times and it was hard to get my day started but it got there. I was also reminded that T would hate seeing me so upset, and it would make it harder for him to do what he has to. He is a man of his word and a man of integrity he would never go AWAL. So I can't make it harder than it has to be for him. And it is only a couple short weeks til graduation and I still want that to be a happy reunion, even just for the couple of days we are there.

On this post I would appreciate any comments of encouragement, scripture or just your thoughts. It would mean alot to me.

Thanks for listening though...or well reading.