Today was a fall in love day...

I remembered just how good God's love is...
all the things he has done for me. It amazed me once again. Yes, I have been through alot in my 20 years...but he has brought me out each and every time. He has never once failed me.

He also reminded me of all the things T and I have been through...and just why he put T in my path.

It is such a sweet feeling...so now that im home from work...I put on some music and I'm dancin around the house singing and super cleaning....

I love being me...

I had the best night of real sleep last night, that I have had since T left for BCT.

You see I have been gradually holding the stress and tension in my shoulders and back for months now. I would wake up in the middle of the night and want to scream from how hard my muscles were clenched. I actually did it before T left too...the only time I got real sleep was when I was in his arms. It was only then I could really relax, let everything go and not have to worry.

so last night at church, I could feel it...my muscles had clenched so tight I could barely move. My head was pounding and the light started to hurt my eyes.

I sat under a class called the "Prophecy, the word and hearing God" I cried off and on through the whole class. A stream of tears here and there...feeling like I have to carry everything was way too much for me to handle anymore. And really its been that way for most of my life. I remember one thing that would frustrate and worry my dad was when we had arguments. I would be upset about the one thing and then everything else that I held in came tumbling out. To me everything is connected and its hard for me to let others help me deal with it. I did good while T was here...I could call at any time and tell him something that bothered me. It got me really spoiled. Even if it wasn't something he wanted to hear about, he listened. Now that he isn't a phone call away...I'm back to feeling like I have to hold it all in. I have thought many many times about telling someone...but who can I trust to tell everything? and if I tell them will they think me crazy? or will my problems be too much of a burden because everyone has their things to deal with? So it took its toll on my body. Which that in itself scared me...I have never held onto so much stuff in any realm of being that it took a toll on my body this way. My family can tell you....sleep has always always been my friend.

Well after class last night, I had the teacher pray for me. He knew it was because I wasn't sleeping. While he prayed...the Pastor's wife prayed in tongues and lightly skimmed her hand over my back. I want this to be clear...it was no massage...but the longer she did it...and they both prayed...the tension completely melted in my back and shoulders. He told me that when I went to sleep I was going to have the best sleep and that the bed would be God's arms holding me. When I went home, I put on a instrumental Simplicty cd and climbed in bed with baby boy. I slept the same amount of time...but it was completely different. I actually rested in peace, my whole body relaxed and my thoughts not pounding in my head.

Today...was like every other day...and I can feel the tension starting again. But you know what...I'll set that cd again, say my prayers and let God hold me just like he did last night. One night at a time.

Psalms 127:2 For it is vain for you to rise early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so He giveth his beloved sleep.

I have come here everyday over this week...I have tried writting things down to convey what I was feeling but never ended up posting it or even saving it as a draft.

This week was so chaotic. I can't say it was all that bad...I had wonderful moments with baby boy. He said "My Mommy" for the first time. We played in the park and shopped for new clothes. He poured milk and tea and juice across the kitchen floor many times trying to pour it.

Although we were short at work...I managed to get the work done...came in for a few hours on Sat. to finish up some things. Everyone was really understanding.

I spent a little time with my brother and we rented Love Don't Cost a Thing and The Gospel to watch.

Tricci and I have hit an awkward spot in our relationship. I don't use the car anymore...I dont even have keys to it. It wasn't giving the keys back that made it awkward. It was a mutal thing..no hard feelings. The thing that made it awkward was that the next time I called she didn't want to talk...she said ..."Yessss?" like what do you want? I had to tell her..I'm just calling to say hey..I dont want anything. That was real awkward. She is supposed to be my best friend but I cant call just to talk. When we did talk she wouldn't open up to me...she held everything real back. I know...10+ years of friendship...believe me I know. Now days pass between us and we dont even talk. I also know that she isn't having the easiest time right now...but she wont let me in. I feel like I'm talking to a wall when we are on the phone.

Yet this week I have missed T so much. I know everyone is tired of me talking about him...I can see it in their faces. But as silly as it sounds...it helps me to cope with knowing he is on base.

The past few days I have just been so drained. I miss him so much and its only been 2 weeks since I saw him. I'm amazed at how many things I think of to tell him during the day...or how many ?'s to ask. Of course I try to write it all down in the letters I send but its just not the same. This weekend...I ached for him to hold me...just for a hot second, to shut the world out and in that moment feel safe again. So the comments made during the week could fade from my memory...so my wheels could finally stop spinning in circles and I could once again just be me.

He called earlier this week and about 2 hours ago...and I'm so glad he did. It doesn't change the longing...but it helps to reconnect any little way we can. 10 min...they mean alot.

And because I have to get up in 4 hours to ride my bike to work...and if T knew I was still up... yeah ummm....I'm going to bed.

Dulce Suenos, Reves Doux, Sogni Dulci, Zoete Dromen,
Sweet Dreams

It puzzles me...I'll tell you why...

You could say that ever since the trip I have held a new confidence in myself. Knowing that I am going to one day...mayby soon...be Mrs. T So anyways, of course I'm so excited about that and I literally feel like I'm beaming everyday. So in turn I have come out of my shell alot...I find myself dancing to the radio in the car and singing out loud in all kinds of places, actually looking people in the eye, and not being afraid to open my mouth....now admittedly...when I open my mouth it is more than a bit sassy. But its beyond me why that has guys approaching me more.

It puzzles me because im still the same me...and I guess if you think about it...I was always this way with T.

And honestly at first I just thought it was my make-up but now i only wear mascara and sometimes some lip gloss.

I don't know what to think of it...other than I'm just happy...more like elated. I loved being able to see him for Graduation and can't wait to see him again. I love him more than words can say.

I have my new measurements that I took this morning!!!! 42 35 47!! In April 05 was 47 40 50... so I have come a ways to my goal.

This was a total pick me up for my day...now I can go tame the masses ! lol.

There are two clubs here in town that T has specifically told me not to go to, and that he would never take me there. This was expressed when I brought up that a friend had invited us to the club and he was very very very firm in his answer. And it was an answer that I respected.

When T left for the army he told me to have fun. I did go to a club and had fun, told him about it and it was ok. But now...that friend or person has invited me again...

and being really honest I thought about going. Not that I would be into that kind of thing but it would be interesting to say the least. And I heard people saying "he told you to have fun, so go" Yet all I could think was those were the only two places he told me not to go to...and I should know better than to go and get myself in trouble...because that is the only reason why T would say not to go, because its not somewhere I should be...and he took it a step further..he would never take me. That signals to me, that its not a place I should be with or without him, he is trying to protect me.

So I passed on the invite...told them there are other clubs, and other places to hang out and have fun. I was proud of myself...and even though T doesn't know about the 2nd invite...I think he would be happy with my choice.

Oh and two of my co-workers that I helped hook-up are getting married in exactly one year...April 14th, 2007!!!!

We are back!!! It was a wonderful trip and I am soooo very proud of my soldier.

We left for Ft. Leonard Wood, MO early early Thursday morning...then came back Saturday afternoon.

It was so good to see him again, and still there is alot to get use to. The biggest thing is all the changes...he lost over 25 lbs. I have never seen him so svelt before. And he is more disciplined, doesn't use excuses or allow for them, he is so much more organized and neater.

I think the biggest thing though, was that I realized....thats where he is supposed to be. And that military life isn't any where near as bad as I thought it would be. The base was beautiful and while we were there so was the weather. I actually found myself fitting right into the rules and regs. Laying out his uniform so it wouldn't get messed up. Keeping up with the times and places. Getting all the things he asked for done ...and it felt really good. This is definitely a defining moment in our lives.

I realized someting else too...now that he expects more of himself...he will and already does expect more of me. Yet, I see in his face when he looks at me, that he is reminding himself to be paitent with me and let me get use to it. Which pushes me and makes me laugh, and strive harder to be the best me I can be....

Baby boy enjoyed the trip too, and I got to spend good quality time with him and my future brother and sister and mother -in-laws...

Can't wait till the next Graduation in 6 weeks

less than 24 hrs till we leave for the base!!!!!
I can't wait to see T! I haven't been able to sleep since Monday I have been so excited... I think i have slept mayby 10 hrs out of the last 72...I'm so excited. Everything is falling into place and I'm just about all packed...getting my nails and hair done in a few hours. Picking up the car and everyone to load up just after midnight. My face isn't all broke out...my skin is all silky and glowing and all i can do is smile...

I'm going to take tons of pictures, and mayby just mayby I'll post some here...