If it is at all possible...I think I have found a new, and brighter glint of mischievousness in baby boy's eyes.

The days have been getting better. I can't say that I don't still get a bit antsy about not having a job, but I have let go of those hateful words...Over the last couple days many people spoke into my life...all saying the same thing. Everyone from my Grandmother to my church family.

Its hard to live under those words. Having them haunt you, its extremely tiring. I think the thing that finally broke it was knowing that "I am the daughter of a King". I truly gave my best and thats the end of it. I laid it down and can't pick it back up. There are other things for me to do.

I finally got a revelation on Ruth 3:3-4...they are instructions. I think thats all I'm going to write on that.

Other than that I enjoyed my holiday with baby boy.

T's mum called to check on me and to tell me that T arrived in Texas last night around midnight. He is getting setteled today and will call as soon as he knows all the info. Address, leave dates, all that jazz.

I guess you could say i know how T felt when he didn't have a job. Wanting to push me away...frankly I have been wanting to push everyone away. I feel numb....each feeling and thought I have cancelling out the other.

Feeling like a failure and knowing I don't have a steady income anymore...and trying to repeatedly tell myself that God will make away, that my best is all he requires of me.

Knowing that this would be just what the enemy wants, for me to doubt and give up....and honestly not wanting to be put in another work environment like that.

Truth is my job comes a dime a dozen...every nursing home, hospital, hospice and home health agency is always wanting more help.

And knowing that even though spiritually I can reason it out...its just a test...like my Grandmother said...that was my assignment for a reason and now its over. But in reality...my responsibility to Baby boy doesn't end because I don't have a job. And I refuse to let someone else handle it for me...even for a while.

And being completely honest...I hate that it was on T's graduation date from AIT. I hate that my plans to go and get him are most probably done away with. I'm fighting that feeling of him progressing and me regressing. Yeah, I'm still stoaked that Im going to school for my lpn. I know that everyone is still proud of me for that...even T. In the mean time though...I don't want to have to explain to everyone when they ask..."how is your job going" or "how was your week"
I'm so proud of him, and I love that he is doing what he set his mind to...I don't resent that at all. I'm just frustrated that when I finally began to feel secure...erased my debt, saved money in the bank, handled all my responsibilities...its all gone now.


I'm taking alot of deep breaths...closing my eyes trying to remind myself to let it go and let it stay that way. Knowing that Monday, or Tuesday I'll go and get another job. That even through this God hasn't let me down, I may be treading water more than I care to...but I'm still afloat.

It was a good thing I went to church Wednesday and read that scripture...or else I'd be really really upset now. I have mixed feelings about this and its the first time I'm really explaining what I'm thinking behind it.

Today at my job I was fired. I have never ever been fired from a job, or even replaced on a project. So that was a shock. The thing that hurt was, I could not explain myself. When she called me in it was obvious they had already made up their mind. They didn't know about all the things I did for the residents. They couldn't read my mind the couple weeks before when I told myself that I was going to do even better...not forget one person, make sure I took time to brush everyone's teeth, change them more frequently and still be there to help the other girls. These were all things that I saw in my work...no one called me on it. No one even seemed to notice. But I began working on them. No sooner did I get better with the things I put on my list...I get slammed on an hectic day. Written up for forgetting someone. I took it in stride, I know I did my best and didn't forget them on purpose. The supervisor that gave me that write up, understood and only really gave it to me out of principle. I understood that too, it was my fault and something that shouldn't have happened. So I said I would try harder. He told me he liked my attitude and thought I did excellent work.

However, I was still called in...the explaination was that I wasn't good enough to work on the unit. When she asked me to tell her what was going on, i did. I told her I know my work isn't perfect, and that I was trying my hardest not to forget someone, or rush someone, take that time with them and that it concerned me. All she said was "Hopefully you can get it together on your next job" I just nodded my head and signed the dotted line. I held it together when she took my badge. I knew there was no point to pleading with her.

I told my nurse's goodbye and even hugged the one that didn't get along with all the time. I wished them all well, and told the girls to hug and kiss the residents for me. When the girls found out they were upset, my supervisor's and nurses didn't know why they fired me. But none of that really matters. It wasn't their choice.

Now I'm dealing with the plain and simple fact...I was not good enough. I know I tried my best. And no one will ever completely know just how much I loved and cherished my residents. I'm sad that I won't get to hear more of their stories...that I won't be the one taking care of them. I do hope that no one upsets them with telling them. I would much rather just fade from their memory. But they won't ever fade from mine.

I have cried my tears. I hold no anger towards that place. I'm working on the anger and frustration I have towards myself....dealing with not being good enough, all that I gave of myself...it wasn't good enough.

I don't understand this, especially right now in my life. I don't know how to tell T, or even what to say to my Mum. I don't want to go to another one....nursing home hop...and get attached to another group of residents. Yet I can't not take care of them and not be attached. I can't work outside medicine....thats not an option. I'm really having to trust God with this, he has to have something working out.


In the meantime, I'm breathing deep...taking it one moment at a time.

I read this scripture at church tonight...and it made something click on the inside of me. It taught me alot about fear and doubt in that moment of reading it.

The scripture is Jeremiah 17:7-8

7 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

8 He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

We were challenged at church to insert our names...make it personal, so i read it this way...

I am blessed, because I trust in the LORD, and I find my confidence in him.

I am like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream.
I do not fear when heat comes; my leaves are always green.
I have no worries in a year of drought and I never fail to bear fruit.

Its ambitious yes, but in that there is no fear or doubt, it leaves me completely leaning on God.

LPN Test

I got the results from my test!

I needed 300 on my verbal to pass...and I got 410!

I also needed a 270 on my math to pass....and I got 300!

So I go in to do some more paper work, and for a final interveiw...then its off to finacial aid!

I'm SO excited...I'm going back to school!

I have missed school so much, and had to endure people saying that I wasn't going to amount to anything...saying that all I wanted to be was a housewife...and that I only wanted T so he could take care of me...

Not being able to tell each and every one of them, just how much that wasn't true...

Ruth 3:3

I was reading over in the New Testament one night and then I found myself in Ruth...

Now I can't really explain why I ended up there...I know the story. I didn't have anything else to do, so I was content to read it again. When I got to the the 3rd Chapter...3rd and 4th verse...it jumped off the page like a 3-D movie.

3Wash and anoint yourself therefore, and put on your best clothes and go down to the threshing floor, but do not make yourself known to the man until he has finished eating and drinking.

4But when he lies down, notice the place where he lies; then go and uncover his feet and lie down. And he will tell you what to do.

Why did this passage jump off at me? I didn't know...so I decided to start looking over each part.

The first thing that I noticed was...Ruth trusting Naomi so much that she went and did this not knowing what the outcome would be.

Second....Washing and anointing yourself -in other translations its written as perfume. Then putting on your best clothes... I'm with that so far....getting ready in your best things...it shows how important this event is for her. People only dress up for 2 reasons...one they are made to for an occasion...but we already know she did this willingly... or two...they deem the occasion very important or special to them.

But why did she have to go to the threshing floor...at that time? What is so important about that?

That and when she went there...and lied down at this uncovered feet....if someone had walked in...would they have known what she was doing?

And where would that have left her if he chosen not to take her for marriage?

How did Naomi know for her to do this?

And I guess the biggest question...why does this seem to be so important to me? What was God trying to get me to see?

Today work was a bit overwhelming...but I made it through. Just a man came up on the unit...talking to residents like he had known them for years...but I have never seen him there. Then he walked up on me really fast, looking at my chest. I thought he was trying to read my name tag so I said, "My name is C, can I help you?" he walked past me and said, "It fits"

I didn't know what to think or do....then he said, "I'm lost...where is the elevator?" After I showed him, all my other c0-workers asked if I was ok. I guess I did not look happy. They then explained that he was the new woman's boyfriend. That disgusted me...why did he pick me out like that? Why did he feel like he had the right to look at me like that, then to speak to me like that.

So I went and found the closest administrator on the floor and told her. She had me nonchalantly pick him out upstairs and then she said she would handle it.

That really weirded me out though...he didn't touch me...or make any overt sexual comment...but still he made me very very very uncomfortable.

These posts are meant to build me up and I re-read them to encourage me and see how far I have come. So this post especially needs to be written.

You know it is just like doubt to creep in your mind and start little seeds of unbelief...

And after hearing a couple comments made by a step-mother that doesn't like me...I started to think...well mayby they are true. It all makes me angry...starting to rationalize the comments...weighing if they are true or not....its ridiculous. I have to believe that T loves me and wants me...other wise he would tell me. I have to believe that he is a man of his word...if I went off of no other comment he made to me...I have to believe that when he said "I will tell you if I don't love you anymore" it was true.

I refuse to believe that a woman...who doesn't like me in the first place...knows more about the feelings and the relationship shared between T and I. I trust in T....so I won't give place to the what if's.

I took my lpn entrance exam today...and I think I did rather well...

I'm one step closer...

This is tough for me to say...so bear with me...

I caught baby fever last week. All I can think about is being pregnant again...T and I having a child together. And while I know the timing isn't right...it wouldn't be fair for T to bein Iraq for the whole pregnancy and the baby be 9 months old before he could hold him/her. We would both want to both be here for every craving and baby kick. Not to mention the delivery...

And I know a bit about hormones and can obviously see its just a hormone game...and mayby a little fear, what happens if he doesn't come back...but I know beyond knowing that God will take care of him and bring him back...so I just have to talk to the fear and command it to leave...but hormones? I didn't know you could command them and they leave.

Yet at the same time...hormones or not...I still would only love to be pregnant...knowing its a child made from T and I's love for each other. I miss him so much right now I can't put it into words...I'm sooooo excited he gets to come home. There aren't enough descriptive phrases to express it.

I just had to post this...baby boy now says blello (hello)!

Not much to say other than I am noticing that I feel so special, so loved and cherished. Its like I finally see how much my family and T love me.

The the years I grew up and my parents told me I was beautiful and special and I didn't really believe them...I finally feel it. I don't feel like they love me because they have to...I'm their daughter...or sister...or grandchild...or neice...but I am unique, one of a kind, special and worthy of being loved....

I don't have that worry of T finding someone better, prettier or love someone else more. That probably sounds arrogant...but the way I feel it, its not meant to be that way. Its hard to explain...

Anyways, I have felt this way for a while now...and I enjoy the feeling of it. That everyday ordinary me is special and loved very very much. i'm just getting around to posting it

Wedding Frustration

I'm just a little frustrated with some people...getting married is not...I repeat is NOT about diamonds and fancy dresses. I'm sorry its just not. I know its a girly girl thing...but just please chill out.

No, I do not have a diamond engagement ring...for several reasons...the biggest being...I DONT LIKE DIAMONDS...mayby I'm too naieve to appreciate them...but all I see is a clear rock...and even pink or yellow or blue diamonds...seem faded to me. I would much much much rather a ruby...its sooo passionate and vibrant. It is not the end of the world not to want a diamond engagement ring. They look wonderful on other people...just I don't like them for me. I would think that would be enough reason right there...

Second, I would much rather spend the money for a diamond ring that people ohhh and awwww over....on a house payment or car payment...something I can really use. Because the people ohhing and awwwing aren't living in debt with me....with a chunk of ice on my finger.

Then there comes the dress...yes I love dressing up...and honestly do have my dream wedding dress picked out...its a $1,000 USD cream, gold and silver sari. Gorgeous beading and just fabulously royal. But having the picture is enough for me. Its not the dress that makes my wedding...its the love shared between T and I and those we share it with. Its that at the end of the day...I'm his...his wife...and everyone knows it. That he is my husband. You know..."I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." Thats what a wedding means to me.

So when you see I don't care for fancy rings and things...don't look down on me. It doesn't make a wedding cheap or "not for real" it just makes it my wedding. Because truthfully...some of the most extravagant weddings with the biggest diamond rings and catered reception and imported foods and flowers....still end up loosing the love they had.

I'll take the love...thank you

Today was a real laid back day... A new Italian resident has decided not to give me so much trouble. So far he has told the other girls that he wants what he wants...when he wants it and wont do anything other than that. But really he is sweet and you just need to joke with him. So anyways...I needed his weight and we walked down the hall and he steadied on my shoulder. We talked about taking a bath...one of his sore subjects...and he said he would give the whirlpool a try next time they asked him. One the way back to his room he told me it was comforting to have a shoulder to hold while walking. I guess you never really think what little things like that really mean. We also joked about some "stormtroopers" as he calls the hospice nurses.... We both laughed and I dropped him off at his room.


Things went that way all day...until I went to see my old onery man. Over the weekend he got 4 spots of breakdown...well not spots...more like patches...the smallest one is baseball size. All my usually quick witted man did was moan and scream. He no longer saw me as Sugar he didn't even open his eyes to look at me. To tell the truth that made me furious...for breakdowns that fast and furious he would have to lay in bed all weekend without being turned. I know the weekend crew...they should not have let that happen...co-operating or not.

Then his wife came, and she broke. She stood at his bed looking at him crying. A couple of the girls and I took turns going in to hug and comfort her throughout the afternoon. She held onto us and didn't want to let go. I told her she was in our prayers and that God would give her peace. I told this onery old man in his sleep that he better act right for S. It at least brought a smile to her face for a brief moment. I could have stayed in there all day...

T just called and you know what he said?...

He said that he missed me and that while I was on base with him all he wanted to do was spend time with me. Yet...he still has that weird thinking of not letting himself getting too close. He said that he didn't allow himself to spend as much time with me because he didn't want to get use to being comfortable again. Because he said he would want me the next day and be dyin cause he couldn't see me. Its not really that logical thinking to me...but its still sweet and makes me go AWWWWWW!

I miss him too, and really if I had known he felt that way, I would have fought more for his attention. However, I know it was the right thing to do sharing his time with everyone.

But anyways, it was one of the most sweetest things he has said in a while. He also said that the running shoes I sent him felt wonderful, and so comfortable...like me.... You can imagine how much that made me grin and giggle like a little girl. And you can also remember just how hearing his voice puts me at ease. So i'm a pretty happy camper...other than the phone he sneaks the calls on dies every time we talk. Not that I wasn't a happy camper already...

You could say I have been at peace with it. I finally have someone I can call a spiritual mentor...a wonderful couple at our church. They have graciously listened to me and still open their hearts to me. They have listened to my tears and my passions and what pulls on me so...and they haven't run off scared. So I don't feel so explosive anymore. I can't say that I have completely dealt with him going to Iraq...he can't even tell me about it. Its like he refuses to bring it up knowing I'm not ok with the thought. I am doing better with it...I think the thing now is I didn't think it would be that soon...July 2nd. And it hasn't really sunk in that he is going so soon.

I'm so very blessed...in so many ways.

Science of the Spirit?

I have this weird question..rolling around in my mind for the past couple days...

Mayby it is an object lesson God is trying to teach me...and I just haven't figured it out yet.

But here it is...

If you have one container...1/2 full with water containing 150 degree F. Then you add the same amount of water again...at the same temp. Will the temp rise because the water has no where to disapate to? Or will it remain the same temp...just more water?

I don't know where this ? came from. Nothing I have watched or seen, or even read. I just woke one night with it repeating in my head.


I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Now that I have recovered fully from my lack of sleep...

Friday night T called but I wasn't here...I was at his mother's house, which he called next. It was a good thing because he found out where he is stationed and when he is coming home. He is stationed @ Fort Hood, TX...and you know the thing about it is. I have been praying for T in general as he is starting his military career...and I have been hearing TX for about 2 1/2 weeks now. So actually hearing T say it...wasn't a surprise but more of a relief. I'm so very proud of him and I know he will do wonderful things and grow even more than he already has.

I made it...I worked 24 hrs in the last 28-30 hrs...I'm exhausted but I made it.

One of the things that I noticed very clear today occured in the room of my onery old man...his wife "S" came to see him today and he was being examined again by the RN supervisor, the MDS worker and the treatment nurse. They very bluntly told him, if he doesn't co-operate with turning and eating then he won't get better. Silently his wife held her needlepoint and looked down at it. Her eyes teared up and she tried to hide them. It was like I could hear her crying..." I love him so much, what am I going to do without him?" I teared up and just wanted so badly to hug this frail little woman. You can tell from her experessions that she has put up with his ways for so many years...yet she loves him like no one else can. Once all the boss's left I got him to eat and her and I talked about the piece she was needlepointing.

Thats all the little tid bit I have the energy to leave today...

Did you know that you can get a scholarship for bloggin?
Who knew...

Well, today has been an interesting mix of outward chaos and frustration and inner comtemplation and peace. Today I made it once again by the grace of God. But my work day is not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about is on a previous post...one of the many I wrote about loving T...I wrote that I wasn't sure if others loved this passionatly. Well I found a couple...a woman I work with has been telling me the story of her and her fiancee, over the weeks we have been working together. She is in her late 40's and his early 50's. The are a strong black couple, yet they have so much life and love between them. They both have each others back and aren't ever going to let go. The whole time she is telling me this...she tears up...like it hits her new everytime just how much he loves her. And how much they have been through together.

I was amazed at them both...and I'm glad I work with her. She has taught me alot by just watching her.

The other thing I wanted to talk about...T's mother J...told me she loved me for the 1st. She has called me her daughter-in-law before...but I don't take it lightly when people say they love me. No ones family is perfect...but I'm glad I get to be apart of theirs. Oh and did I mention...I love and miss T more than I have words to express...well I said it again so you out there in the blog world wouldn't ever forget it. lol.

And that brings me to my work story....
Over the past week a new resident has taken a particular shine to me. After deciding that he liked me he...bit the back of my hand calling himself "taking a bite out of me" really it was a soft nibble. Nothing like the bite of dentures...yay! Then when he wouldn't eat...I made him a health shake and added some ice cream to it and he ate every bit of it for me. Today when I went to feed him some food and his shake he called me sugar and told me to kiss him, he then pucked his lips and started smoochin waiting for me to lock lips. I kissed his cheek after he ate everything for me...but that only led him to tell the other girls that I was his girlfriend. But he is ok in my book...he is a onery old man...just as sweet and sugary as he wants to be. Shhh...don't tell anyone, because I don't have an official favorites list...but he is creepin up the list.

Today was an oddly rough day...

It didn't start out that way...I woke up from a wonderful dream, wondering why in the middle of it was a pink ice cream maker...

I headed to work with a lecture from Mum...I tried to understand where she was coming from. Honestly, I'm trying my best here and I'm even frustrated with myself.

I went to work and we were short again...big surprise. But the night crew didn't get any of my section up but the 2 easiest people to get up...so that left me with 6 2-people lifts and 1 1-person lift. Then the woman helping me had 2 2-people lifts to do. So yes we were 20 min late to breakfast. However the other two women working...were no where to be found. And I would have thought the charge nurse would have been more understanding knowing we were 2 people short. So I was yelled at about that...then I was called off of my break to get a woman a glass of water. Then baths weren't assigned so I went ahead and got one...talked to the lady and was preparing for it...so i wouldn't get in trouble about that either...and without a word suddenly baths are assigned and no one has the balls to tell me. The woman I was suppose to give a bath now to....was in the beauty shop getting her hair done. So there goes the rule of having baths done before lunch. I ended up not going to lunch...I worked straight through. I was upset and lost control over a few tears but I was setermined not to give her anything to write me up for. Then she tells me after she gets back from her lunch that I have to ask a particular worker for help because I'm too slow with the other co-worker. So next time i needed help...that particular one was busy said no and then when I asked the charge nurse for help she said no find someone else. So I ended up finding the original co-worker that was the only on willing to help me...and just doing it slow. Now by lunch time I had passed my ice, made beds, changed everyone but 2 people and passed snacks and helped with one bath. That wasn't good enough though...not by a long shot. So anyways...to make this already long story short...I got chewed out 3 times today....never written up, which is good...but still 4 workers on a 6 worker floor...of course you can't do the same level of work you did before...some things are going to be late and people are going to have to stretch thier patience...

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.