It was a good thing I went to church Wednesday and read that scripture...or else I'd be really really upset now. I have mixed feelings about this and its the first time I'm really explaining what I'm thinking behind it.

Today at my job I was fired. I have never ever been fired from a job, or even replaced on a project. So that was a shock. The thing that hurt was, I could not explain myself. When she called me in it was obvious they had already made up their mind. They didn't know about all the things I did for the residents. They couldn't read my mind the couple weeks before when I told myself that I was going to do even better...not forget one person, make sure I took time to brush everyone's teeth, change them more frequently and still be there to help the other girls. These were all things that I saw in my work...no one called me on it. No one even seemed to notice. But I began working on them. No sooner did I get better with the things I put on my list...I get slammed on an hectic day. Written up for forgetting someone. I took it in stride, I know I did my best and didn't forget them on purpose. The supervisor that gave me that write up, understood and only really gave it to me out of principle. I understood that too, it was my fault and something that shouldn't have happened. So I said I would try harder. He told me he liked my attitude and thought I did excellent work.

However, I was still called in...the explaination was that I wasn't good enough to work on the unit. When she asked me to tell her what was going on, i did. I told her I know my work isn't perfect, and that I was trying my hardest not to forget someone, or rush someone, take that time with them and that it concerned me. All she said was "Hopefully you can get it together on your next job" I just nodded my head and signed the dotted line. I held it together when she took my badge. I knew there was no point to pleading with her.

I told my nurse's goodbye and even hugged the one that didn't get along with all the time. I wished them all well, and told the girls to hug and kiss the residents for me. When the girls found out they were upset, my supervisor's and nurses didn't know why they fired me. But none of that really matters. It wasn't their choice.

Now I'm dealing with the plain and simple fact...I was not good enough. I know I tried my best. And no one will ever completely know just how much I loved and cherished my residents. I'm sad that I won't get to hear more of their stories...that I won't be the one taking care of them. I do hope that no one upsets them with telling them. I would much rather just fade from their memory. But they won't ever fade from mine.

I have cried my tears. I hold no anger towards that place. I'm working on the anger and frustration I have towards myself....dealing with not being good enough, all that I gave of myself...it wasn't good enough.

I don't understand this, especially right now in my life. I don't know how to tell T, or even what to say to my Mum. I don't want to go to another one....nursing home hop...and get attached to another group of residents. Yet I can't not take care of them and not be attached. I can't work outside medicine....thats not an option. I'm really having to trust God with this, he has to have something working out.


In the meantime, I'm breathing deep...taking it one moment at a time.