T's mum called to check on me and to tell me that T arrived in Texas last night around midnight. He is getting setteled today and will call as soon as he knows all the info. Address, leave dates, all that jazz.

I guess you could say i know how T felt when he didn't have a job. Wanting to push me away...frankly I have been wanting to push everyone away. I feel numb....each feeling and thought I have cancelling out the other.

Feeling like a failure and knowing I don't have a steady income anymore...and trying to repeatedly tell myself that God will make away, that my best is all he requires of me.

Knowing that this would be just what the enemy wants, for me to doubt and give up....and honestly not wanting to be put in another work environment like that.

Truth is my job comes a dime a dozen...every nursing home, hospital, hospice and home health agency is always wanting more help.

And knowing that even though spiritually I can reason it out...its just a test...like my Grandmother said...that was my assignment for a reason and now its over. But in reality...my responsibility to Baby boy doesn't end because I don't have a job. And I refuse to let someone else handle it for me...even for a while.

And being completely honest...I hate that it was on T's graduation date from AIT. I hate that my plans to go and get him are most probably done away with. I'm fighting that feeling of him progressing and me regressing. Yeah, I'm still stoaked that Im going to school for my lpn. I know that everyone is still proud of me for that...even T. In the mean time though...I don't want to have to explain to everyone when they ask..."how is your job going" or "how was your week"
I'm so proud of him, and I love that he is doing what he set his mind to...I don't resent that at all. I'm just frustrated that when I finally began to feel secure...erased my debt, saved money in the bank, handled all my responsibilities...its all gone now.


I'm taking alot of deep breaths...closing my eyes trying to remind myself to let it go and let it stay that way. Knowing that Monday, or Tuesday I'll go and get another job. That even through this God hasn't let me down, I may be treading water more than I care to...but I'm still afloat.