This past week has been really hard on me. It came with a lot of doubt, confusion and it was all caused by miscommunication.

Even though it has T and I in an uncomfortable spot right now, it is teaching Us a lesson. One I hope We don't loose sight of.

I'm counting down the days till I move into my own apartment! I'm so very excited. And I hope it works out that T can come and see it before too long.

So right now I'm just packing, making phone calls, and packing...

i'll be here again soon.

I'm experiencing some frustration right now.

T is upset because I didn't call him on his birthday...I couldn't I didn't have the number. I only got that today. I did send him an e-mail though. I talked to him today and he rushed me off the phone promising to call back later...and yeah well he never really calls back.
I hate doubt...and the funny thing is that once a simple comment is made that makes me doubt one thing. I begin to doubt everything else in my life. One comment Mum made about the apartment...made me doubt my dress today...I changed 4 times. Made me doubt Baby boy's hair cut. Doubt my actual ability as a woman, mother, and student. I really don't like that. There are so many good reasons why I'm doing this...so many things it will help me to grow in and accomplish.

It puts a real damper on my excitement of moving. I know he loves me, and I him...he is just different now. Not in a good or bad way, just different. It takes some getting use to. Over these next few years we will both change tremendously. I'm still stoaked...and I know he is too. I just miss him. Wish he was here to watch me move in, well not watch but help. lol. To hug him when I get the keys and dance with him in the living room of my first apartment. Of course I'll still do those things, and he will still be with me. And we won't have to wait so long to talk or see each other.

And as much of a peace I have about moving...I still wish Mum was at least confident that I could do it.

You can only run for so long, before you have to step into the Man or Woman you have become. Even though those around you may not be ready for you to do so.

I recieved my official acceptance letter into the LPN nursing program!

I also signed my first lease for my own apartment today! I move in July 1st!






These are really great adventures for me. I know not everyone agrees with my choices. However, I have prayed and thought alot about this. I need to do this for me. For Benjamin. For my family, present and future. This is not a bad thing. This is my life moving forward, not being static and not being afraid to lean fully on God. So please rejoice with me in these steps, and I hope this next year will show you just who I am...as a Woman and Mother. And give you all something more to be proud of me for.

Just a quick update....

I am working at a new nursing home...for right now.

T is almost settled on the base, he called telling me all the wonderful things he has accomplished since he has been down there...he bought a car, a phone and civilian clothes. He is getting to ready to head down here in a week. He really really likes it there, its just really hot. He is moving into barracks right beside the gym...which is perfect for him. The gym is like his second home.

I was planning to get the phones for his birthday on the 17th...but now that he already has one...Im stumped as to what to give him. He already has the clothes, shoes, Bible and watch. I guess I could get a nice wallet... thought of mayby his tattoo...but he would leave before it gets finished and be a year before he could get it finished. He isn't into jewelry or hats...so I have no clue now. I don't want to just give him money.

He is excited and proud that I got into nursing school.

Baby boy has a mowhawk! I did it myself.

I saw the Exorcism of Emily Rose finally... And an Indian movie called Fire... will post more on them both later.

I was searching through some words today. You know words we use all the time but don't really know the meaning or at least we don't act like it.

The words that came to mind to look up were: worship, exalt, praise, glorify and magnify.

These are all words I use pretty regularly when i sing. Yet do I truly know what they mean. For example..worship. Do I really worship God? I would say I do. I love getting in that place with God where everything else goes away and I can just be there in his prescence.

The next question that came to mind though was hard...Do I worship him above everything else? Does my actions reflect that?

Honestly, no I don't...it doesn't.
As much as I love and adore him...the tv still stays on. I'm always too busy or too tired to visit with him, just the two of us. As much time as I can sit and be with T, or baby boy...I fidget or fall asleep with God.

Now I don't believe God hates me for this, I just am really aware of the longing he has for a true relationship. To show me things no one else can. To teach me and guide me, love on me.

I want that too. I do, I do I do-oooo.