Laughter makes a heart merry

It has been going really slow the past few days...communication with T has almost been at a stand still. We are both so frustrated with the situation, we just don't know what to say to each other sometimes. Most of our txt have been "I want to talk to you, but don't know what to say"...

I have tried to reason it out...we both know why we are in this situation...and that it is only for a season and has its benefits...we understand that...so why do we get so frustrated still? There are times when all I want is to sit next to him on the couch watching tv. Or sit in his lap and talk about somthing silly, laughing with him. Last night was one of those nights...I thought that txtn him somethin ridiculous would at least crack a smile...and it may have but it wasn't evident...lol. I got so frustrated I said snapped at him. I ended up having to laugh about it...I didn't mean to snap. I'm just frustrated. All in all we love each other and we will make it through...

My Mum says that I should accept it, stop making myself miserable and if I can't accept it then find someone that won't be gone all the time. I tried to explain to her, out of all the people that have approached me since he has been gone....all I can think about is him. I don't think she too much liked that answer but she has to deal with it either way.

This morning though, it seemed as if things were back on track...we laughed and txt on my way to take baby boy to daycare, and then head to school...I even txt him through my lecture in class.....shhhhhh this one time and it won't happen again lol. I'm still crackin up about the things we talked about and missed each other on. And I felt like i could hold on a little bit longer till Christmas.

On the bus, a man decided to talk to me about all the ramifications of President Bush placing our troops in Iraq....and how many more he will have to send. At first I just smiled and nodded my head. Then I became angry...he brought up all the media footage... I tried to politely tell him, there are good and bad things happening there that we don't see on the news...that is only a piece of the puzzle. He kept talking...a Veteran across the isle spoke up and said you have never been there or to war you don't know what the military is like... Yet this man kept talking...I couldn't not say anything any more..."I have to deal with everyday, that I can't be with the man I love because he is in the army and I'm in school...and one day this spring he will have to go to Iraq...right now I survive off of 10 min phone calls and txt messages, and a few letters...and I can't imagine the families that have to live each day with their loved one already over there...or of those who have died. They have to suffer for your freedom...the least you could do about it is be grateful and be quiet" The veteran nodded his head. The other man looked at me and my nursing bag, and backpack and sleeping baby boy in my arms...then looked me in the eye. I was trying so hard to hold back tears. After that he said nothing.

I calmed down alot and eventually my stop came...but I have thought all day...about the millions of army, navy, marine, air force troops and families that deal with being seperated daily for months at a time. And just as I felt a bit of comfort this morning being able to laugh with him and feel a little closer to him...I want that for all those families. For those who have lost a soldier...I'm so vey sorry for your loss.

Lonely

Friday was a mixed day...I picked up my last check for my job. I was fired. Part of me says you really can't afford to stress about that...just focus. Yet at the same time...this is the second job I have been let go from in a year. Thats 2 too many in my book. I'm praised for the work I do...yet it is obviously not good enough to keep a job. What kind of nurse will I be?

I didn't want to seem too bummed, out. Mum's birthday is in a couple days so I took her to get her hair done. While she was with T's aunt S. I took the girls Q and C and T's Mum out shopping. Q and I split an outfit for Mum J. It made her happy. She is stressed from the chemo and not having her hair anymore. Next comes radiation...
Little sister C spent the night over at my house and we watched movies and chilled for a bit. I had no where to be on Saturday.

I called Tricci to see how she was doin...and that was a waste of time. She doesn't treat me like a friend anymore. More like an inconvience. Some would argue she rarely treated me like a friend. I have decided to let it go.

I finally slept in, it felt so good. When I was in the shower, T called on his way to the gym. He left a message sayin he would call me back, but never did.

Then an old friend called out the blue, he wanted to take me out see how I was doin. I hadn't talked to him since I started school. We went and played pool and talked...mostly about Tricci, school, baby boy...then he made a comment about how sexy I was. How if he was given the chance he would be everything to me that T wasn't or wouldn't do for me. I'm beginning to hate those comments. I don't know what to say. I'm so used to being guys friends and they not even looking twice at me like that. Now, I can't get them to stop. Yet with girls I feel like I have to be a certain way to be friends with them. I'm completely ok with watchin basketball, or a horror movie, playin pool and just chillen with guys. I can relax...or I use to be able to. With girls I feel so prissy, and gossipy. I have to sit a certain way, or wear certain clothes.

Anyways, back to playin pool with ol' dude. We laughed and joked. He explained to me about his car. He didn't try to be really affectionate. I didn't feel uncomfortable with him....just missed T that much more.

Sunday, I missed T so much. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Not to mention I didn't feel well. and Baby Boy is sick. Both our voices are gone, and we cough and snort snot. lol. I'm not eating again. Nothing holds any flavor to me. All I want is for T to be home and hold me. I watched Tristan and Isolde...which I probably shouldn't have...its a love story. Q kept askin me what was up. I txt her back, and yes she was sitting right there beside me. I just really didn't want to talk. I txt T, telling him "I really feel the lonliness today. I can't wait for you to come home." He said he knew...now honestly at first I thought he was smartin off. It kind of erked me. I txt back "how do you know?" He said, "because I get more and more irritable everyday" That made me feel a little better.

I can't believe its almost been a year...He left Jan. 06. I have only seen him twice since then. We went through really hard times, but we miss each other so much. Never has saying I love you in a simple txt meant so much. Or having him call just to say hey I'm on the way to the gym and was thinkin about you. Lol he is so proud of his 8lbs of muscle he gained. I am too though. But then to think I'm here in school till Oct 07. Thats so far away. But I love it. I'm learning so much in school. Since I had to learn my lesson in personal integrity...mayby I am to the sacrifice lesson...

This morning my Mum chewd me out, I wanted to scream @ her, " SORRY to inconvience you...I'm trying the best I can. No, I don't have a car, yes we are sleepin on the floor. your the only way I have to school, Baby boy is sick. I can't get warm. I'm freezing all the time. In class, @ home. Even if I had the $ to ride the bus...I would never get well walking 1/2 mile every morning in the cold with a 50lb back-pack and baby boy. And a taxi cab for one day, one way is the same amount as the bus both ways for an entire week. I can't afford to go to NC for Christmas, and I don't want an Aunt who never speaks to me to pay for it. I wanted everyone here at my house. But you won't even stay an hour. Brother won't stay 10 min. And STOP interupting me changing the subject while I'm in the middle of my sentence just because you don't like what I'm sayin!" I stayed quiet though. I can't tell my Mum that. I'm still worried about hurtin her feelins. So for the time being I'm willing to let her walk all over mine.

I just want T home. A friend that didn't want anything sexually from me, or feel like I only wanted to something from them would be nice.

Anatomy Tutor

A couple of people from my class approached me about making a small study group so I could explain the Anatomy and physiology to them. We studied for an hour the other day...Today they came to me and said they understood everything so well. It finally made sense to them! We studied again after school for an hour and 2 more people showed up.

Now, I'm not saying this to toot my own horn. Its a good thing. I used to be so worried about being thought as the know it all. So I played dumb. I wouldn't explain it but very briefly and usually act like I really didn't know what I was talking about. This time, I used methods that I know help me. I used me hands, drew on the board, asked them questions...made them figure it out. I was so proud of them for getting it, its really not that hard. Even though they are all older than me by at least 5 yrs. they responded to me. I could see their minds working and the information clicking. It was past memory, and into understanding "why" this part of the cell does this or is named that... It was so exciting! I encouraged them for the test tomorrow, and I know they will do well if they relax and trust they know the information.

It was a great accomplishment!

Feelin the Christmas Spirit

T is coming home for Christmas!!

I can't wait! A little over a month and a half. I will also be done with my first 3 months of nursing school, and the day after our christmas break I head to clinicals...that means I will have successfully completed the following classes

Lifeskills, Intro. to Nursing, Nutrition, Gerontology, Dosage Calculations, Growth and Development, Anatomy and Physiology, Foundations of Nursing, Med Surg 1, and Nurseskills

It also means that I will have maintained above the required GPA and only be a hop, skip and jump away from passing my LPN boards.

It will also be my first Christmas in my own place! I'm looking forward to it alot.

Things are so intense!

I dream about Christmas almost everynight...
Yesterday T asked me what I wanted for Christmas....for the first time ever. All I could think to say was for him to be home for the holidays, and something special from him making me his. Turns out, thats what he wants for Christmas too...Nice to know we are both on the same page.

I have noticed too alot of things about myself these last few months...
I miss cooking for T. I miss having family dinners. I miss T snoring in my ear. I miss having my Dad, Mum and boys in one place. I miss the incense my Mum burned during the holidays. I miss the heart felt laughter in our family and the sincere smiles and hugs. And while somethings will be naturally missed because its no longer a phase in my life...others I miss because I am not ready to let them go and accept the way things are now. And still some I miss purely because I can not have them at this point in time but will in the future.

Its easy enough to find that same incense...and I'll get to hear T snoring soon enough, and my new family can have the family dinners, I'll get to cook more food than T can hold down when he gets here. lol. The rest I have to work my way through letting them go...mayby its just that I need to let them go for right now. I truly do believe my family will be together with heart felt laughter and sincere smiles and hugs again.

But at least I can give Baby Boy that now in the present. And it wont be long before the new family is all in one place...

Its been forever since I have been here but, a quick update...

I'm at an intense level of stress right now but I know it will be ok.

I started Nursing school !!!! YAY! I'm lovin it. Its a hard challenge.

Baby boy started at the daycare across the street from me, so I get a little extra time with him on my lunch breaks.

T and I are working things out... we couldn't stay away for long. He is finally opening up and I finally understand a tiny bit of what he is feeling being away from everyone he loves.

Tricci and I haven't really talked or hung out...I'm not sure you would even call us friends