Lonely

Friday was a mixed day...I picked up my last check for my job. I was fired. Part of me says you really can't afford to stress about that...just focus. Yet at the same time...this is the second job I have been let go from in a year. Thats 2 too many in my book. I'm praised for the work I do...yet it is obviously not good enough to keep a job. What kind of nurse will I be?

I didn't want to seem too bummed, out. Mum's birthday is in a couple days so I took her to get her hair done. While she was with T's aunt S. I took the girls Q and C and T's Mum out shopping. Q and I split an outfit for Mum J. It made her happy. She is stressed from the chemo and not having her hair anymore. Next comes radiation...
Little sister C spent the night over at my house and we watched movies and chilled for a bit. I had no where to be on Saturday.

I called Tricci to see how she was doin...and that was a waste of time. She doesn't treat me like a friend anymore. More like an inconvience. Some would argue she rarely treated me like a friend. I have decided to let it go.

I finally slept in, it felt so good. When I was in the shower, T called on his way to the gym. He left a message sayin he would call me back, but never did.

Then an old friend called out the blue, he wanted to take me out see how I was doin. I hadn't talked to him since I started school. We went and played pool and talked...mostly about Tricci, school, baby boy...then he made a comment about how sexy I was. How if he was given the chance he would be everything to me that T wasn't or wouldn't do for me. I'm beginning to hate those comments. I don't know what to say. I'm so used to being guys friends and they not even looking twice at me like that. Now, I can't get them to stop. Yet with girls I feel like I have to be a certain way to be friends with them. I'm completely ok with watchin basketball, or a horror movie, playin pool and just chillen with guys. I can relax...or I use to be able to. With girls I feel so prissy, and gossipy. I have to sit a certain way, or wear certain clothes.

Anyways, back to playin pool with ol' dude. We laughed and joked. He explained to me about his car. He didn't try to be really affectionate. I didn't feel uncomfortable with him....just missed T that much more.

Sunday, I missed T so much. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Not to mention I didn't feel well. and Baby Boy is sick. Both our voices are gone, and we cough and snort snot. lol. I'm not eating again. Nothing holds any flavor to me. All I want is for T to be home and hold me. I watched Tristan and Isolde...which I probably shouldn't have...its a love story. Q kept askin me what was up. I txt her back, and yes she was sitting right there beside me. I just really didn't want to talk. I txt T, telling him "I really feel the lonliness today. I can't wait for you to come home." He said he knew...now honestly at first I thought he was smartin off. It kind of erked me. I txt back "how do you know?" He said, "because I get more and more irritable everyday" That made me feel a little better.

I can't believe its almost been a year...He left Jan. 06. I have only seen him twice since then. We went through really hard times, but we miss each other so much. Never has saying I love you in a simple txt meant so much. Or having him call just to say hey I'm on the way to the gym and was thinkin about you. Lol he is so proud of his 8lbs of muscle he gained. I am too though. But then to think I'm here in school till Oct 07. Thats so far away. But I love it. I'm learning so much in school. Since I had to learn my lesson in personal integrity...mayby I am to the sacrifice lesson...

This morning my Mum chewd me out, I wanted to scream @ her, " SORRY to inconvience you...I'm trying the best I can. No, I don't have a car, yes we are sleepin on the floor. your the only way I have to school, Baby boy is sick. I can't get warm. I'm freezing all the time. In class, @ home. Even if I had the $ to ride the bus...I would never get well walking 1/2 mile every morning in the cold with a 50lb back-pack and baby boy. And a taxi cab for one day, one way is the same amount as the bus both ways for an entire week. I can't afford to go to NC for Christmas, and I don't want an Aunt who never speaks to me to pay for it. I wanted everyone here at my house. But you won't even stay an hour. Brother won't stay 10 min. And STOP interupting me changing the subject while I'm in the middle of my sentence just because you don't like what I'm sayin!" I stayed quiet though. I can't tell my Mum that. I'm still worried about hurtin her feelins. So for the time being I'm willing to let her walk all over mine.

I just want T home. A friend that didn't want anything sexually from me, or feel like I only wanted to something from them would be nice.