Dear Q,

With all the progress and wonderful things that have happened in the past few months, weeks and days...please please don't let our support system and communication lines fail...do you realize how important they are to me? We can't live without them.

I need you guys not to buckle. I need you to understand that even though my family is a pretty good size, there are only a few pillars that I can lean on. I'm glad they range in ages and experiences. I need each of you. I can lean on my Bapu, my Grandma J and T...The rest of my pillars are crumbling. I can not speak exactly to what or who you are...just this written plea...don't let the house we worked so hard in building crumble. True, I need you to be there...but more than that we need each other. I have been there through your hard times, tears and angers.

I haven't told you everything that I have been feeling and the things that I have pushed aside. I haven't allowed myself to deal with my Papa's situation. I have not dealt with things goin on in my body, I have only mentioned the surface things. Also I have onlys gone a little bit into my emotions about everything going on. How my Mum truly makes me feel, and my brothers. My reasoning for this is, I have to believe that there is great things going on right now. And there are! Awesome things, to really be grateful for and cherish them. I am trying so desperately to not focus on the bittersweetness of it, or the out and out disappointing things going on. We are strong enough to get through this.

I know it upset you when I told you please not to stress this...I wasn't tryin to make you stress more. I needed a break from hearing about all the things we don't have, or still need. I'm too young to die from worryin about stuff...and you are too. Miraculously there has always been a way that was made, or an allowance to circumstances...if I don't trust that all of it will be handled then, what hope is there?

Love,

Me

I did it! I'm out for Thanksgiving!

4 tests in 3 days! I made a 95% on my physical assesment, I forgot to ask about allergies and "provide privacy" But she also said I was very through, and she liked my bed-saide manner.

I took a gerontology test, anatomy and physiology test, a foundations of nursing chapter test and midterm.

Well this weekend was interesting...

I realized my son knows a whole lot more words than he lets on to...I'm use to him saying 2 or 3 word sentences like ..."come on, potty." This weekend though he surprised me just how much he talked. He woke me up, shaking me..."Momma wake up, wake up!" When I woke up and said good morning, he said, "Morning, Momma drink, come on." I told him his uncle was in the kitchen and go ask him to get you a drink. He said "Ok" and left. He returned with a cup or water. He roused me again saying, "Momma I don't want this watty(water), Laid(Kool-aid) please" I laughed and told him that was all he was getting this early in the morning. He put the cup down, went to the bathroom and came back..."Momma, light off, come on go potty" I asked if he could turn the light on and he pulled his scooter/bike into the bathroom, stood on it and turned the light on. He went to the potty and when he was finished I heard him yell..."Done Momma!" He waddled back into the room with his underware half up his thigh. He grabbed his bottom and laughed saying "Booty...BOOTY!" I helped him pull them up the rest of the way...Then I heard the all too familiar saying, "Momma, Nemo watch it!" We watched Nemo together while I fell back asleep on the couch...He snuggled up next to me and pointed out Dory, Nemo, turtle, bird...everything he could remember. It was a nice relaxing morning though. Since then I have been making him say more words to get something, not just the 2 or 3 it takes to get me to recognize it. He has been repeating my sentences after me. He has also picked up alot more words...jamas (pjs), hurt me, outside. And he uses them readily.

I feel like now would be the time to lean back in my chair, rest my hands on the back of my head and smile...then type..."I have the smartest child on Earth!" That would appropriately mark my proud parent moment. lol.

Last night, things felt just a tiny bit more like home...

After I got off of work, my phone was playing nice and finally let me see the screen. I got to see all the txt T had sent saying "Good Morning Beautiful" or just seeing how my day was, or saying Goodnight. It made me smile a big goofy grin. I txt T to see if he was still awake. He wasn't but he called anyway...still half sleep. We talked for a little bit, about what Christmas this year would be like...and how fun last year was. Last year was our first Christmas actually doing something together. Then slowly he started to drift...I heard him softly snoring in my ear and I smiled again. I miss his snoring. It may sound funny...but like I have explained before my DAd always snored really loud. I could be upstairs with my door shut on the opposite side of the house...him downstairs with his door shut and it would still sound like he was on the other side of my door. So I learned to find comfrot in it...I knew he was there.

I woke T up and told him to go to sleep I would talk to him tomorrow...half sleep he said, "No I'm talking to you, but I can't hear you...then he started snoring again. I laughed and said it was because he was sleep. He told me, "I'm just so tired." And I know he is, he has been working so many hours and getting up in the middle of the night to go get people from the bars when they were too drunk to drive home. And I know how hard it is for him to wake up, so when he wakes up just to talk to me, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. After arguing with me about how awake he was for about 2 mins. he started mumbling in his sleep. I figured he had started dreaming. I woke him up again to say goodnight and I love you. He whispered it back and snored again before he hung up. I sat and listened to him snore for just a little while.

Its funny how a little thing can make your night. And many things I find comfort in that most people would not. My Mum thinks its hilarious that I actually like it when he snores. And to I find it lets me know he is ok. I know he is breathing. Since my Dad has sleep apnea (lack of breathing for intervals of greater than 30secs while sleeping) I have noticed at times T does it too. Mostly when he is overly tired or can't get comfortable.

And its funny the things that get passed on through generations...you know the silly things. My parents may not have carried who was there with them when they slept...but the things I remember as a child, like my Dad snoring...I still look for now. My Dad use to sleep like a log too...but when he heard the faintest "Daddy..." he jumped up to see what was wrong. I think most would agree its a parental instinct thing or something... But now, I do that with Baby Boy. And when he is sleep, you'll find that his little hand creeps across the bed to feel for you. His favorite spot is your neck, but if he can't find that he will be content to rub your arm or back. and like I did when I was little...he can't resist kicking you square in the back. If he can't find you, kick you...boom...he's awake looking for you. And it absolutely tickles me that my 2 yr old...snores.

Anyways, I thought it was a kodak moment to share from last night. Or at least to mark in my memory of journals...

Last night was the closet to home I have felt in a long while. Amazing what snoring on the phone can do. Isn't it?

Thank you all for the comments you left. Each one of them encouraged me and made me smile.

The update for school is this...T and I talked last night. No matter what has to happen to keep me in school he is going to help me fight for it. T told me that I am strong enough to do this, to dig in deeper and get it done. That really gave me a peace about it...I know I can do this. His Mum has agreed to keep Baby boy till I can find a daycare, and because of limited transportation she is keeping him through the week.

Friends at school have offered to help get me back and forth to school if I need a ride.

I feel comforted by that. It will be hard, but doable.

Now is the time to just work at it harder. Nothing worth having comes easy...I should know that by now...not relationships, not children, not family, not school or work...

One comment that I received online that blew me away was this..."You have earned your life, I'm proud of you." All of your comments were uplifting but this one made me think. As much energy as I have put into this. As many tears, hours of my brain just being jelly, the physical wear and sacrifices I have already made...I'm earning my spot in life. No one...not T's stepmum, not my mum, can look at me and say I didn't work for what I wanted. They can not say that I let life pass me by, or did nothing to fufill my purpose in life. And whether or not they ever acknowledge this...I know its true.

~~~~~

But all of that still doesn't stop me from saying the absolute wrong thing to T at the worst time...At school a male student made a horrible comment asking me about my abilities sexually. I was so embarassed that he said this in front of a group of my peers. And I didn't want to hurt his feelings so that I basically let him off with a tap on the wrist. Then to make it worse...I told T about it...in the middle of a really good conversation just before we were going to go to sleep. I was thinking it was just telling him how my day went. But I just ended up frustrating him even more about being away from each other. And if he would truthfully say...probably really frustrated and even angry with me for letting him speak to me that way. And it didn't hit me until I was talking to my Grandma on the phone. I feel so completely naieve. Why on Earth would I think that T wanted to hear about another guy saying something out of line to me...especially when he can't do anything about it. (Although I realize that it shouldn't be up to him to do anything about it, that I have to deal with it and make men respect me...period. However, he is protective and would do something if he were here.) Then to add on to it that he had to go to bed thinking about it....that was great on my part. I feel like I was really inconsiderate of what his feelings might have been hearing that. I should have thought it through more.

I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling. I have cried my tears. I'm numb. I can see the reason in taking a leave of absence. There are some positive points to it. Thats still not what I want to do though. On the other hand, there is no gaurantee that things won't be just as hard or harder next year. If I could just stick it out till Christmas...then I would feel alot better about it. I have thought about asking the more financially stable people in my family and at my church for help...yet I still can't bring myself to to that. Especially when they don't return good e-mails, or the ones they send are short and snubbish. Mayby I have too much pride...or mayby I just don't want to be a burden...this is my struggle. I have accepted help, and I am so grateful for it. I just don't want to "take" help from those whose heart isn't there to give it. No one is obligated to help me.

I'm tired of things being this hard...lol...of course I would be. No one wants things to be hard. I can see where it has made me stronger. I'm learning to curb my emotions more, and instead of crying the whole week...then wanting to think rationally. I cried for 1 1/2 days and started thinking rationally. T has been calling to check up on me and see how I am, but we keep missing each others calls and so we haven't had a chance to talk. So, he isn't making the choice for me...I can see how he has changed too...more on that later.


Yet I feel like if I do...I'm giving up. I don't want to do that.

I cried all last night and most of this morning...

I cried because the thought of leaving school has actually crossed my mind. I no longer have daycare, still don't have transportation and I have 2 more days of school that I can miss for the whole year in order to still take my state boards...

A leave of absence would let me come back where I left off next year...push my graduation date back and give me year to get transportation. It also means that I wasn't good enough. That my Mum was right, I can't do it. I would have disappointed all the people I was trying to prove wrong about me, and the ones who are proud that I got this far. It would mean I would have to give up my dream for a while.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!! But I really have no choice.

I'm trying not to think about it meaning I would have to stay away from T another year, because thats not why I'm in school in the first place. I'm doing it because this is my dream, where I'm supposed to be. To make life for my son better.

I don't know how to explain it without tearing up and sobbing. All I can see is the faces of the people who thought I couldn't do it, who thought I wouldn't make it, and those that never took the idea seriously.

I just want to be held and go to sleep. But I'm a woman now...I have to face it. And if it means keeping my son in a safe place, or a roof over his head...then I'll have to give up my dream for a season. Although I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself not being in school and learning.

I need a MIRACLE

Not a whole lot to write about...This weekend was good, T and I got to talk a whole lot more than usual. He had some time off and I was off from work and school. We laughed and got to really enjoy each other again. One thing he said that bothers me is..."I feel like a piece of machinery..." That gripped at my heart. I don't want him to feel that way. Yet I know its how he has to feel for right now. I don't want him to be a bleeding heart and be in the middle of a war where he can't focus. Thats how people die. I need him to survive...to come home in one piece. At the same time though I want him to have a chance to be himself again, to laugh and play. To show the different emotions he has and just be human again. I'm not sure how to do that yet, but I'm working on it.

A funny post for today....

Last night when I came home from work...Baby Boy had recieved a toy from a friend. A toy cell phone with Spiderman on the flip picture. Not only did I become friends with Spiderman...and Baby Boy show me his new skill of flipping the top and saying " Wats up SpidMan! Hello?!" He also showed me his level of confidently saying "No Mommy My Phone!" It was past his bed time and I was trying to explain that Spiderman had to go to sleep too and it could charge beside Mommy's phone...when....

POOT!! rumble rumble....POOT!

It surprised me so that I laughed and said "Ewwww...you farted...." Baby Boy took it and ran with it.... He giggled, "I farted!...." Then after a funny look on his face he laughed again...."out my booty!" He continued this for a couple minutes when he burped.... He called that a fart too, but after explaining that when it comes out your mouth its a burp he laughed and tried to fart again.

Oh, but don't forget Spiderman...Baby Boy then felt the urge to pick up the toy phone and call Spiderman, and tell him that he could fart out of his booty... He laughed at that for a hour. I couldn't get mad...I was trying to keep from cracking up myself. His face was so innocent and yet so devious.

And that is how farting made my night at midnight....

Marriage

T is definetly coming home for Christmas!!!! Yay!

Now that, that is out of the way! Just a couple things I want to mention here...We ran into a friend of T's family in the store last night...I was with Q & D. Once she introduced D as her boyfriend and the FOF (friend of family) gave him a hard time and made sure he knew where to find him etc...he asked who I was. Q introduced me as T's girlfriend. "T in the army? " He said, "Baby girl, hold out your hands..." I did... " He hasn't taken care of you yet? If he don't marry soon...come holla at me, I'll take care of you." I laughed it off, I'm sure he meant it in a joking manner anyways...I thought it was pretty funny. I was standing there in about 4 different non-matching colors, with a purple doo rag on my head, no make-up or jewelry on.

Then this morning, a guy-friend dropped me off to school. He made the comment, "Too bad you have a man, if you didn't I would marry you." He said it sincerely and I know he cares. It actually kind of hard to be friends with him sometimes, knowing that. But with firm boundaries and reminders here and there, he has most recently respected that I am T's woman.

And to be honest, the thought crossed me mind...all these different people have made the comment that T should swoop me up before someone else does or before they do...why hasn't T done it yet. I had to remind myself...T is the one I want, not the others. I can wait till he is ready. I know not to push him, and when he gets to that point of actually doing it, he will. I really do believe that he is waiting for school and the army situation to pass and he has a better grasp on life. And if I am being mature about it...I need to prove to myself that I don't NEED him to take care of me. That I have things to offer too besides the traditional wifely/motherly duties. I don't want anyone to be able to say I'm a burden to him. Especially his ex-step Mum. And with the thought of her in my head I told myself...I refuse to be her. I am not setteling for what she thinks I am capable of. Nor will I pattern my life after hers. I will be true to my heart, to my man and to my vows.

This isn't a game to me. Yes, I desire it with all my heart, but when the time is right.