I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling. I have cried my tears. I'm numb. I can see the reason in taking a leave of absence. There are some positive points to it. Thats still not what I want to do though. On the other hand, there is no gaurantee that things won't be just as hard or harder next year. If I could just stick it out till Christmas...then I would feel alot better about it. I have thought about asking the more financially stable people in my family and at my church for help...yet I still can't bring myself to to that. Especially when they don't return good e-mails, or the ones they send are short and snubbish. Mayby I have too much pride...or mayby I just don't want to be a burden...this is my struggle. I have accepted help, and I am so grateful for it. I just don't want to "take" help from those whose heart isn't there to give it. No one is obligated to help me.

I'm tired of things being this hard...lol...of course I would be. No one wants things to be hard. I can see where it has made me stronger. I'm learning to curb my emotions more, and instead of crying the whole week...then wanting to think rationally. I cried for 1 1/2 days and started thinking rationally. T has been calling to check up on me and see how I am, but we keep missing each others calls and so we haven't had a chance to talk. So, he isn't making the choice for me...I can see how he has changed too...more on that later.


Yet I feel like if I do...I'm giving up. I don't want to do that.