Ok so with the whole break up thing, I have really been evaluating myself...I'm not sure why really...I think I did everything I could have done. I'm not saying there wasn't anything I could have done differently...anyways back to the point.

So I have spent the last 3 days with Tricci...just chillin out. No work, no school, no family just me and her...it made me realize a couple of things about myself...

1. I don't wish to be without my little man, I love him so much.
2. That I'm full of layers...let me explain...
when T said I was beautiful, or gorgeous...I believed him. But not enough to think that anyone else would see me that way. I feel like no one would bother with getting to know me, I'm no model or skinny fashion girl you see in the mall. Yet, really if I look at myself...beauty is not my body, or the way I talk...no I'm not irresistable...but I'm worth getting to know. Even if its just as a friend. You know what its like to be with someone, just hangin out and for a split second when they laugh or make a face you see "them" who they really are...you can always find beauty in that. We don't allow ourselves to be shine like that often. That led me to the 3rd thing.
3. With or without a man, I don't have to be anyone's model...all I have to be is ME. I don't have to turn heads at the grocery store, no one has to dance with me or ask for my number...just as long as I can look in the mirror every night and see who I truly am...thats beauty enough.
4. Sometimes letting go is better than trying soo hard to hold on. No amount of love can make it better...I do not have to settle for a one-sided or sometimey relationship.
5. There is more to life than this situation...more to love than this hurt...more to integrity than the desire for vengance...

She was...

remarkably blinded...by what she wanted to see...
exquistely deaf...to things she did not want to hear...
completely committed...to the false projections of his intentions...


~~~~~~~~~~

There is not a whole lot to say other than...that. I would just like to say, I am ok. I have not cried in 2 days. I realized that as much as I love him, as much as I was hurt and disappointed. The sun DID rise the next morning without him. I CAN and WILL still be ME. So on to the next subject.

My little man beat-boxes! They are back from their Christmas vacation and I can really no longer call Baby boy that...So I'm changing him to Little Man! He is so amazing I have been
watching him and he has a whole new range of things to do. He now tells you to put your hands up before he tries to shoot you...his pronunciation is so much better than before. He saw a scratch on my face and grabbed my face between his little hands and asked if I had a owie. I told him yes and he asked if I wanted him to kiss it better. Then he did, the sweetest kiss, then told me it was all better. He has come home with more songs to sing, in just one week. Deck the halls and "I am a dinosaur"

~~~~~~~~~

There is alot I would like to write on here...because there is more to me than my school, work, and family...if that wasn't enough to write about... but I'm not sure really what to write anymore. What makes me tick?

I survived FINALS week!

I have my first clinical out in BA the Monday after Christmas! My first clinical instructor is the best teacher that I have met so far...and even though she scared the wits out of me for my pharmacology lab and I drew a huge blank...I like her alot. She makes you a better nursing student.

So...Pharmacology is finished passed with a 80.3 GPA needed a 77 to pass.
In the floor test final that I needed a 85% to pass I made a 94%
Foundations of Nursing is also finished with an 88.4 GPA
Gerontology is finished with the final in about 40 min.
Physiology and Anatomy is finished, I took the final about 10 min ago.
My skillslab is done with a 90 GPA
My skills final the correct instertion of a foley catherter using sterile technique was done yesterday with a 94%...

Next comes Christmas break...then Med Surg! and 3 weeks at a nursing home.

I'm helping my Grandma move tonight and tomorrow, T's little brother has set up camp at my house for Christmas break...he is 16. And T is coming home in 2 days !!! Baby boy and my family have already left for NC and should be there sometime this morning. Everything is coming together sooooooo smooooooooothly!

Food for Thought

I wonder what got into human kind when we decided to maker faces and animals in stone...what made them want to do something like that? When you have living breathing people and animals...why use stone ones to decorate buildings and statues?

And here are some word associations I was asked a while ago...

yellow... lellow
red lipstick... kiss
socks ...shoes
cowtipping... trouble
moulin rouge... scandal
greenland ...iceland
iceland... greenland
harry potter... magic
red... blue
blackberry... blueberry
rose... pink
rooster ...chicken
whipped cream ...pie
lollipops ...suckers
dreams ...sleep
vitamin... D

Little Homemaker

I never thought I would be so excited to see a set of bright stainless steel collection of pots and pans sitting on my stove! They are so beautiful, I can't wait to cook with them!

There are also new little odds and ends at the house, a new clothes hamper, and set of drawers for Baby Boys clothes and my underthings...lol. That beats a barely put together box anyday. I'm so excited! The next thing on my list is to go home and scrub the floors and the tub...and oddly enough I can't wait to. Mayby I'm finally getting in the Christmas mood...or mayby its a really good way not to worry about my nursing finals...either way I can't wait!

Gradually I have added the following to the Kitchen...silverware, blender, microwave, set of pyrex baking dishes with lids, the cuisinart pots and pans, Really all the Kitchen needs now is a set of glasses and tuperware, mayby a decorative cake pan or two. I have my eye on a set of everyday dishes that are black and white to keep from using my china...it will get there though...

I may not have gotten everything at once...but it truly makes me realize the progress I have made, and be grateful for how I got them, not just in the kitchen but everything. Slowly the house is coming together in its own little way, and i would say you would know it was mine when you walked in the door...and something about the way I feel when I'm cooking in my house...makes it a little more like home.

A New Lesson to Learn

I'm learning a new lesson in life... the one about anger and when its appropriate to speak up. Q has really been challenging my temper the last few days. T and I had talked about it and during a really good in depth conversation he told me that letting little stuff get you angry is not worth it...

Last night, my temper hit the roof. I wanted to scream, yell, throw things, wake everyone up and let them be miserable. Yet, what was I angry about? Them not picking me up from work, going home and getting in their pjs and going to bed, knowing that I was getting off at 10p. They didn't call or ask if I could find another way home. That was the part that really got to me.

But I have to be the adult in this. Its was obvious to me that niether Q nor her boyfriend cared that I wasn't picked up. So I was just standing there holding my breath, angry gettin blue in the face. I was so knotted up, I couldn't eat, sleep, do homework and they were peacefully asleep in their beds. I talked to my Grandma, and thought more about what T had said. It was true. In ten years I won't remember that this happened, or what was said. I may just look back at it in 6months and wonder why I got so upset...so why was I wasting my time with it now. I made it home safely one way or another, Baby Boy was ok and that should have been enough.

I finally got to sleep, the last words I remember thinking was..."God please help me get over this." This morning, I was ok...played some music while getting ready and got in the car to make the morning run of Q to work, daycare and school. In the car, Q asked why did I "bang" on the door last night. I could feel my blood pressure rising. At first I was going to do like I have done so many times in the past when faced with confrontation...not say anything. I have always been so afraid of blowing people away that I just didn't say anything to them about it. But I could see that if I didn't say anything, she would have deemed it as acceptable.

I told her "How do you think I got home last night?" granted I had an attitude, but I was trying. I was doing well not to yell. "D didn't pick you up?" Well, no Q he was in the bed sleep with you. She blew me off after that...saying well we went to be early I was hurtin. I let it go at that. Because the only thing left would have been to argue about it...because she has pain pills for that pain...her pain has nothing to do with her boyfriend picking me up and still they could have called and let me know and not let me wait for an hour for nothing.

I have been trying my best to sort it out inside me. I'm actually proud of myself for keeping most of my anger to a minimum. I can see what T said has great benefits...not letting things get to you so much. It just takes great discipline and practice. Who would have known that the chance to practice it would have come up so soon...

Another thing that happened though was during that conversation with T. We both got to see something about ourselves. He got to see how I have matured. I was explaining to him that I don't want to get married "right right now" we don't have anything in place. And the baby fever is gone...that would not be a good idea right now. He got to see that I was thinking about it rationally. Which eased his mind about it alot I think. I also told him just what I want in a family and my career. I like the traditions of family...like the one I'm starting with Baby boy making Christmas cookies together and reading a bed time story with him. He already knew the material things in life didn't matter to me, but I do know that you have to have essential things to survive.

I got to see how he has improved on his thinking of life, family, tempers...He didn't sound like highschool T anymore...he sounded more like my dad actually...telling me what he was planning for and how we needed finances in place and the kind of life he wanted to provide for us. Then he noticed that this was the first time in a long long time that we got to just talk. No rush, no interuptions, not about "I miss you" or " I want you" just talk about the really important things. He did say something that really grabbed my attention though..."I really am committed to you, you know how much I went through to get you. I wouldn't do that for anyone." So, I'm at peace with where we are right now. I actually think its the wisest thing to do right now. Its hard to enjoy something when there is misery attached to it because you were not prepared. As much as I want to be his Mrs. I want US to succeed and enjoy it more.

Of course, T could not help but be T...he was chopping down a tree during the conversation...just to....his exact words...."relieve boredom...something productive to do" It made me laugh and see how I miss him doing things just because he wanted to...He was the first guy that I could what I wanted just because and it not be weird.

Touch Me

I can't describe how you touch me...
you see
you mark me
daily
claiming me as yours.
It doesn't matter where we are
or
how far apart...
I'm yours,
with every breath...
and you
draw me closer
with every
caress...
And every word
spoken
or moaned...
Keeps my body
honed into you...
I can't escape you...
and I don't want to.
I'm yours.
I hear your voice rumbling in my ears
and it sends
chills...
down
my spine...
I taste your kisses
and I loose
my mind...
I feel your love
so deeply
it makes me tremble...
in my thighs...

When I wrote that I was in another world in my mind, a world where I could write anything. When I sat back down and read what I wrote...it made me blush! I love this poem though, I love the intensity of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can I join you in your world?
Can I come rest in your arms...
away from all this mess?
A peek or visit is not enough...
Capture me...
Kidnap me...
to this place called love

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her silky locks...the wind and wave.
The curve of her hips and the sway of her back...
the bend of the Earth.
Her thighs...the slopes of hills & pasture to graze on.
The crook of her arms...the bend in the limb of a tree.
Her dew...is found on the morning grass.
Her voice...the sunrise.
Her moans of pleasure...the sunset.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone once told me,
"you search for a love"
And I do...
I search for a Godly love.
A love I can be proud of,
an all giving love.
A love that pours from your soul.
A love that is perfect because
despite
imperfections it's strong & grows.

I wrote this one a long time ago...I never read it to anyone. It came from a real life conversation of someone telling me those very words. Yes its an ideal, but more than that its what I believe love really is. Its something that I have watched myself start the process of learning with T over the last months and years, and he with I. I hope we all get to experience the feeling where your loved ones imperfections have you on the edge, you just want to throw your hands up and leave...but inside you, you can't. Your love for them keeps you grounded and you gather the grace and strength to love them through it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Out of all the poems I have posted here recently...these are the ones I am the most sensitive about. Even though they still don't sound like me when I read them back...I love the way they speak how I feel. Yes, I did write them...and I'm glad I did.

RN vs IBCLC

As a part of being a nursing student, it seems like everyone has been asking me..."Will you go on to get your RN (Registerd Nurse) ?" I have thought alot about it, and I don't think that I will as of right now. I want to get my hands on nursing as a LPN (Licensed Practical Nurse) first. Also, I have always been a big advocate of breastfeeding, so I have researched to see what I need to become a Lactation Consultant.

To my surprise I found that to obtain the title of "Lactation Consultant" you must have 45 hrs of continuing education in my current state, have those hours documented and then sit for the exam. However, this exam is for an International license! I can go anywhere in the world with this! My title would be:

Me Last name, LPN, IBCLC, RLC(Internaltional Board Certified Lactation Consultant), (Registered Lactation Consultant)

My goal is to complete my LPN program October 17th 2007. Pass my N-CLEX-PN exam by Jan 1st 2008. Then get settled with a LPN job, preferrably at a military hospital. Once I have gotten into the swing of things, update on the requirments and complete them for my Lactation Consultant license. Then if after, family and kids and career...I want to go for my RN. Then I will. I don't really see the need to be an RN, but that may change. I look at it this way, complete one goal at a time. My LPN and family is my priorities right now.

Because Breast is Best!

and

Breastfeeding Moms need love and support!

This is a poem from a couple years ago. I didn't really want to put it up on the blog but there is really no reason why I should hide it. I am of course over this phase...things are really different now.

Goodness, Goodness

where do I start, where do I begin

My heart is "just fine", pero mi corazon...

I put on such a seemingly brave front,

telling myself that God is enough.

if I endure he will heal all the hurt and pain.

and that if I keep my mouth shut and just

simply

obey,

then God will turn it around from my good one day.

So in reeling back my tongue,

and keeping my feelings to myself,

supposedly,

...somehow...

that will help.

But these sutyations & circumstances

have not changed yet.

There is no time for real feelings or conversations,

no time to laugh or smile. I'm given the silent treatment

or yelled at for taking the time to sit and talk for a while.

Its been so long since I have voiced...

and its been many times convincing myself

that this is my role and I shouldn't start.

So honestly, truthfully I am afraid.

Afraid that if I speak

this joy, passion and love

will mean nothing and fade away.

That just like my dreams, it will be too weird to give notice to, or be important.

But wait...

let me stop myself like all the time before.

My feelings aren't what is important.

You see thats how my mind works now.

This has become the norm,

but I can't rememeber how.

Ok, examin this,

how in the world does this make sense.

how is this right that my tears are silent @ and thru the night?

Yet through it all I feel the guilt,

the pressure of taking up the slack

that others have built.

And when I am overwhelmed, angry

and begin to resent.

I think "where is love?"

and my anger descends.

My tears dry and what others have done is

ok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More Poems 2006

Your hands cuddle & caress...

cradle me

mold me

I'm a fool for not letting you

do this more often.

you understand my thoughts...

your temper

not phased by my emotions

Words can not express

how you impress yourself upon me

You blow my mind with

one thought of you.

& you overwhelm me with you

presence & in your glory.

I'm amazed at the faithfulness of

your love, gentleness and mercy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are the times when I miss you the most...

When my mind is clouded and

I can't see the promises around me.

You lead me through these places

and make me see..

there is more inside of me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a pang

in my chest and it

pounds and pulses...

I can not say why,

my breath catches...

Or why my face flushes and that familiar tingle

starts to

creep

up my thigh...

I can not explain why the world dims,

life slows its pace

and time begins to stop...

I can not describe how everything

is rose coloured

and a gleam

sparkles in my eye...

from the sight of you...

I can not express why my voice softens

and my paitence extends...

I can not mention the memories

that race through my mind...

or why the giggles from our pillow talk

co-erce a half lip-bitten smile

from my lips...

I can not convery how hard it is

not to settle into your arms

and kiss and caress you at night.

I can not articulate the amount of

strength it takes to

control this dam of tears...

from the thought of missing you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Fight

My pen feels weak in my hands.

My emotions seem to pour

like a hourglass full of sand.

with every inhale my chest trembles

With every exhale more tears stream.

I can feel the adrenaline coursing through me,

down to my toes.

It was not the thud of his punches

landing on my chest that hurt.

His chokehold around my neck

did not take away my breath

My scratches at his throat were trying to do more

than release his grip

and my stance was not one of retreat.

A fight is a fight,

thats not what rips into me.

What hurts is that we share the same blood.

We should be friends, we should be able

to look out

and protect.

To see each other's hearts and respect.

We should be able to stay calm and collected

in our thoughts and words.

This is bothe the hurt and the hope that cages this rage.

It is the love that fuels this hate.

These are the wounds that sting as I cry.

These are the scars that I try to hide.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some poems from my collection....

I know what lies between the thighs of

manipulation and deciet.

I have plunged into her slippery depths

of confusion and misery.

I have grasped at her chaotic curves and

desperately suckled at her nipples called

chance,

searching for one milky drop of hope.

I have entangled myself in the mirage of her glory.

And allowed myself to be blinded by a glimmer of beauty...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do not submit to you because

I can not handle life's situations...

My submission is not a sign of weakness.

I submit to you because

I love to see you as the Man that God created you to be.

And because

it brings me joy as a woman.

I submit to you because I trust you

with my heart,

breath,

my very life and soul.

I do not miss you because

I can't handle my own choices...

I miss you for who you are

because I never loved you for

what you could, can and will do...

My submission comes out of

my strength...

it shows that everyday I willingly bend my will

to yours,

to bring you pleasure...

which also brings me pleasure and I am

complete in this.

Without you as Master...

I WILL

continue...

to be a woman.

A strong woman.

I choose to share that part of me with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday Morning

Saturday morning me and my blue vest had to be to work at 6:30am. I was standing there watching Tim Allen's The Santa Claus waiting for an eager customer to come and check out when I felt my cell phone vibrating in my pocket...
I'm allowed to have the phone on the floor because of the way our family is set up and with emergencies I have to be able to be contacted.
I'm thinking something is wrong...and I picked up the phone.

It was T! Sleepily saying good morning and asking what I was doing...

I laughed, I smiled and from others around me saying...I "glowed" I told him I was at work and that I couldn't talk then. He said ok, but something in his voice was saying he was looking forward to talking to me early in the morning. Still I had no customer, none of the cashiers did...so I asked my supervisor for a bathroom break. I went and called him back, he was surprised, but I could tell he liked it. We talked for mayby all of 10 min just checkin in with each other, tryin to distract myself from squealing on the phone when he said it was only 2 more weeks till he is home. Then he remembered I was supposed to be working. His voice dropped, he became stern with me and told me to really use the bathroom, and go back to work. All I could do was smile at him through the phone. I really love that man.

So for the rest of my day, I smiled and glowed and strolled down the isles...I can't help it! Its only 2 weeks away!

Then last night (Sunday) I called him at 8pm to tell him that I was going to sit-in on the 911 application. He was sleep when he answered the phone. I wanted to talk to him so bad but all I could think to say was "Babe your sleep, call me back later..." He didn't argue this time, just said "Ok, I love you" before he started snoring again. When I got off the phone I just wanted to be there...do you know how tired he must have been to go to bed at 8pm?! This is the same man that before the army he wouldn't go to bed before 3 or 4 am.

I did go on my sit-in though, I applied to be a 911 operator..thinking it would be a unique once in a lifetime job while I was in nursing school. I loved the sit-in and I could definetly do the work...especially the radio work but the training hours are during school for 2 months...so I can't do it. I liked the experience though. Now I know what happens when I call 911!