A New Lesson to Learn

I'm learning a new lesson in life... the one about anger and when its appropriate to speak up. Q has really been challenging my temper the last few days. T and I had talked about it and during a really good in depth conversation he told me that letting little stuff get you angry is not worth it...

Last night, my temper hit the roof. I wanted to scream, yell, throw things, wake everyone up and let them be miserable. Yet, what was I angry about? Them not picking me up from work, going home and getting in their pjs and going to bed, knowing that I was getting off at 10p. They didn't call or ask if I could find another way home. That was the part that really got to me.

But I have to be the adult in this. Its was obvious to me that niether Q nor her boyfriend cared that I wasn't picked up. So I was just standing there holding my breath, angry gettin blue in the face. I was so knotted up, I couldn't eat, sleep, do homework and they were peacefully asleep in their beds. I talked to my Grandma, and thought more about what T had said. It was true. In ten years I won't remember that this happened, or what was said. I may just look back at it in 6months and wonder why I got so upset...so why was I wasting my time with it now. I made it home safely one way or another, Baby Boy was ok and that should have been enough.

I finally got to sleep, the last words I remember thinking was..."God please help me get over this." This morning, I was ok...played some music while getting ready and got in the car to make the morning run of Q to work, daycare and school. In the car, Q asked why did I "bang" on the door last night. I could feel my blood pressure rising. At first I was going to do like I have done so many times in the past when faced with confrontation...not say anything. I have always been so afraid of blowing people away that I just didn't say anything to them about it. But I could see that if I didn't say anything, she would have deemed it as acceptable.

I told her "How do you think I got home last night?" granted I had an attitude, but I was trying. I was doing well not to yell. "D didn't pick you up?" Well, no Q he was in the bed sleep with you. She blew me off after that...saying well we went to be early I was hurtin. I let it go at that. Because the only thing left would have been to argue about it...because she has pain pills for that pain...her pain has nothing to do with her boyfriend picking me up and still they could have called and let me know and not let me wait for an hour for nothing.

I have been trying my best to sort it out inside me. I'm actually proud of myself for keeping most of my anger to a minimum. I can see what T said has great benefits...not letting things get to you so much. It just takes great discipline and practice. Who would have known that the chance to practice it would have come up so soon...

Another thing that happened though was during that conversation with T. We both got to see something about ourselves. He got to see how I have matured. I was explaining to him that I don't want to get married "right right now" we don't have anything in place. And the baby fever is gone...that would not be a good idea right now. He got to see that I was thinking about it rationally. Which eased his mind about it alot I think. I also told him just what I want in a family and my career. I like the traditions of family...like the one I'm starting with Baby boy making Christmas cookies together and reading a bed time story with him. He already knew the material things in life didn't matter to me, but I do know that you have to have essential things to survive.

I got to see how he has improved on his thinking of life, family, tempers...He didn't sound like highschool T anymore...he sounded more like my dad actually...telling me what he was planning for and how we needed finances in place and the kind of life he wanted to provide for us. Then he noticed that this was the first time in a long long time that we got to just talk. No rush, no interuptions, not about "I miss you" or " I want you" just talk about the really important things. He did say something that really grabbed my attention though..."I really am committed to you, you know how much I went through to get you. I wouldn't do that for anyone." So, I'm at peace with where we are right now. I actually think its the wisest thing to do right now. Its hard to enjoy something when there is misery attached to it because you were not prepared. As much as I want to be his Mrs. I want US to succeed and enjoy it more.

Of course, T could not help but be T...he was chopping down a tree during the conversation...just to....his exact words...."relieve boredom...something productive to do" It made me laugh and see how I miss him doing things just because he wanted to...He was the first guy that I could what I wanted just because and it not be weird.