I'm not sure what to write about really...I'm still feeling a sort of numbness. I'm excited and happy...I laugh pretty much all day. Yet there is alot inside me that I haven't voiced yet. I think I would be open enough to post it, especially here where I am anonymous for the most part...(wave to the family lol) only I have no idea how to form it into words.

I was talking to my Grandma last night and touched on some of it. Well mayby just blew on it a little. A certain Rabbi at my church told me somethings about myself Sunday that no one has really said before. How he knew to say those things to me had to be the grace of God because I don't talk about them. The part that keeps playing in my head is that he said, "You feel so alone even in a room full of people..." Its true I do...but there isn't any depression or sadness associated with it, I just don't feel really there...like I'm behind this glass wall. I can still enjoy people and their company but only to an extent...something is missing. Something in me isn't complete.

For the longest time I felt those feelings would go away when I got married...but I'm learning that it isn't about being married at all. True, there will be a completion...but untill that happens...what do I do? How do I put God in that place? The more I think about it, the more I see how much my attitude about things have to change. And believe me I am resisting it with everything in me. I'm afraid of where it calls me to go...

But even though I'm not saying "ok, ready set go..." and running towards the finish line...I am still feeling pushed. A gentle push but a push all the same. thats the only way I can account for not being worried about things going on around me. Somehow, from somewhere inside me, I have no doubt that it will be ok. So mayby I'm going whether I want to or not. It must mean I'm ready to take at least the first step...or that I'm long over due.

As much as I have talked, and laughed and listened the past few weeks...I find myself being even more quiet. I play with little man and talk to him more than anyone right now. Everyone else, I have to make myself talk to sometimes...its not because I'm upset or angry with them. I just feel like I'm speaking another language to them. So I enjoy what I can talk about, and leave the rest rolling around inside of me. I can't even find words to put it into a poem. So, I'm left in a numb state, looking at things from a distance.

But if this is what it takes to get where I am supposed to be, then God give me the grace to do it and I will.