Jeremiah 29:11 and Me

2007-01-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

Hey hey hey...I'm back...

I just enjoyed a fabulously somewhat boring week and a half iced in...no school, no work...just the house. My little man did some new amazing things though...he gave me homework to do, remembered that it was due the next day and I got in trouble for not having it done. His new favorite question is asking did I pee on myself...I'm not sure where he got that from. He is helping me cook more and more and tells me when to go to bed. He still can get whinny and clingy but hey he is still little. I love it when he shows his muscles and grits his teeth then runs full speed straight at you just to stop a little short of you and laugh.

I did learn how to play spades during me ice vacation, it was fun. I like it a whole lot better than some other card games. Only I don't understand the whole renig thing. Its a strategy, then why can't I use it? Yeah its a gamble to win the books with but it makes the game more interesting...

I found out T is silently still asking about me, seeing how I'm doing. He says he is getting his head together, to see what he wants. I don't know how I feel about that. Truthfully, I'm at the point of pretty much asking for an arranged marriage. My heart is tired. I know with an arranged marriage that we are both in it for life, and I will grow to love him. I'm not saying thats what I'm doing...I'm just really tired. Truth is having someone new like that to just leap in and trust, work it out as you go in life, scares me. I just wish the committment was there to see it through. No worries though, time will tell.

I'm trying to get back into the swing of things with school and clinicals but I have to admit today was not a good day....I bombed 2 tests. I studied, and did the work...but got misunderstood, and did the wrong work in some cases and studied the hard material...overlooking the easy. Turns out the hard stuff wasn't on the test. And because it will be a month before we take another test...If I don't make a 77 on these tests then I am on academic probation...well not just me anyone who didn't make a 77 or better.

Now something that is really really bothering me...is my hair is falling out. I have a patch in the back of my head that is only about a 1/4 of an inch, and surrounding it my hair was about 4 -5inches long. I had Q cut it and try to disguise it but its really bothering me. I'm not sure why though, it really is just hair. It will grow back, now that I have cut my hair so short I don't worry so much about having good hair and no one can touch it. But at the same time, its freaking me out...

I'm only 21...yet I have so much on my plate. I'm faced with a bigger situation than I planned for and I can't bring myself to say no. I don't know what to think about it. I can't see myself turning away a family in need, they have no where else to go. I don't have time to say, I don't want to deal with anyone but me today. Its just a bit overwhelming right now thats all. But hey life doesn't stop just because you need to take a breather.

2007-01-09T13:39:00.000-08:00

Today at clinicals I felt more comfortable and confident about the choices I made. I did my best to communicate with the CNAs with respect but assertively. They reported to me about my assigned paitent and I had no problems doing any of my paperwork and my assesment on her. That leaves all of tomorrow to evaluate my care plan and see what other things I can get checked off my skills list.

I also met 2 new friends...a girl in my clincals who is also a single young black mother, is moving in about 2 blocks away from me. We are getting to talk to each other more and more. We have been through alot of the same things. Its easy to talk to her, because she knows how hard things are but at the same time, she has her head on straight. So I'm gonna enjoy having a new friend I can kick it with. The other friend is too new to talk about. Not sure where I stand on that one, but its fun getting to know them all the same.

2007-01-08T13:11:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what to write about really...I'm still feeling a sort of numbness. I'm excited and happy...I laugh pretty much all day. Yet there is alot inside me that I haven't voiced yet. I think I would be open enough to post it, especially here where I am anonymous for the most part...(wave to the family lol) only I have no idea how to form it into words.

I was talking to my Grandma last night and touched on some of it. Well mayby just blew on it a little. A certain Rabbi at my church told me somethings about myself Sunday that no one has really said before. How he knew to say those things to me had to be the grace of God because I don't talk about them. The part that keeps playing in my head is that he said, "You feel so alone even in a room full of people..." Its true I do...but there isn't any depression or sadness associated with it, I just don't feel really there...like I'm behind this glass wall. I can still enjoy people and their company but only to an extent...something is missing. Something in me isn't complete.

For the longest time I felt those feelings would go away when I got married...but I'm learning that it isn't about being married at all. True, there will be a completion...but untill that happens...what do I do? How do I put God in that place? The more I think about it, the more I see how much my attitude about things have to change. And believe me I am resisting it with everything in me. I'm afraid of where it calls me to go...

But even though I'm not saying "ok, ready set go..." and running towards the finish line...I am still feeling pushed. A gentle push but a push all the same. thats the only way I can account for not being worried about things going on around me. Somehow, from somewhere inside me, I have no doubt that it will be ok. So mayby I'm going whether I want to or not. It must mean I'm ready to take at least the first step...or that I'm long over due.

As much as I have talked, and laughed and listened the past few weeks...I find myself being even more quiet. I play with little man and talk to him more than anyone right now. Everyone else, I have to make myself talk to sometimes...its not because I'm upset or angry with them. I just feel like I'm speaking another language to them. So I enjoy what I can talk about, and leave the rest rolling around inside of me. I can't even find words to put it into a poem. So, I'm left in a numb state, looking at things from a distance.

But if this is what it takes to get where I am supposed to be, then God give me the grace to do it and I will.

2007-01-07T18:21:00.000-08:00

Why do I feel so alone, when standing in a room full of people? Its not depression, i'm not sad...

1st week of clinicals

2007-01-03T13:25:00.000-08:00

So I made it through my first week of clinicals!!! I'm at a darling little nursing home, and my first assignment was on the Alzheimer's unit. I would love to be able to tell you all the ins and outs of it but I can't because of confidentiality...

However, I can say this...I saw a paitent who needs some extra attention. I researched the problem, took it to my instructor with a way to help and asked if I could try it out with a Nurisng diagnosis and care plan. She agreed, she was so excited and proud of me. She teared up when I told her, she told me that I was being a "thinking Nurse" and she would ask the facility Nurse about it.

The remarkable thing about it was, how I saw it. I can't explain how it just jumped out at me. That one particular thing, that was hindering his progress. And the fact that my teacher trusted me to implement it and it was only my second day of clinicals!

She did, and at lunch today I was allowed to implement my plan...and IT WORKED!!! I was so excited...the results was a complete 180 from what I had seen at breakfast! It actually made a huge difference.

I reported all my findings to my Instructor and facility Nurse. What that facility Nurse decides to do with it, is his disgression. I hope though, he sees the dramatic progress and continues with the plan.

I couldn't be happier with my experience there... I have 2 more weeks there...can't wait to see what happens...

I'm going to be an LPN!

2006-12-30T01:29:00.000-08:00

Ok so with the whole break up thing, I have really been evaluating myself...I'm not sure why really...I think I did everything I could have done. I'm not saying there wasn't anything I could have done differently...anyways back to the point.

So I have spent the last 3 days with Tricci...just chillin out. No work, no school, no family just me and her...it made me realize a couple of things about myself...

1. I don't wish to be without my little man, I love him so much.
2. That I'm full of layers...let me explain...
when T said I was beautiful, or gorgeous...I believed him. But not enough to think that anyone else would see me that way. I feel like no one would bother with getting to know me, I'm no model or skinny fashion girl you see in the mall. Yet, really if I look at myself...beauty is not my body, or the way I talk...no I'm not irresistable...but I'm worth getting to know. Even if its just as a friend. You know what its like to be with someone, just hangin out and for a split second when they laugh or make a face you see "them" who they really are...you can always find beauty in that. We don't allow ourselves to be shine like that often. That led me to the 3rd thing.
3. With or without a man, I don't have to be anyone's model...all I have to be is ME. I don't have to turn heads at the grocery store, no one has to dance with me or ask for my number...just as long as I can look in the mirror every night and see who I truly am...thats beauty enough.
4. Sometimes letting go is better than trying soo hard to hold on. No amount of love can make it better...I do not have to settle for a one-sided or sometimey relationship.
5. There is more to life than this situation...more to love than this hurt...more to integrity than the desire for vengance...

2006-12-29T20:54:00.000-08:00

She was...

remarkably blinded...by what she wanted to see...
exquistely deaf...to things she did not want to hear...
completely committed...to the false projections of his intentions...

~~~~~~~~~~

There is not a whole lot to say other than...that. I would just like to say, I am ok. I have not cried in 2 days. I realized that as much as I love him, as much as I was hurt and disappointed. The sun DID rise the next morning without him. I CAN and WILL still be ME. So on to the next subject.

My little man beat-boxes! They are back from their Christmas vacation and I can really no longer call Baby boy that...So I'm changing him to Little Man! He is so amazing I have been
watching him and he has a whole new range of things to do. He now tells you to put your hands up before he tries to shoot you...his pronunciation is so much better than before. He saw a scratch on my face and grabbed my face between his little hands and asked if I had a owie. I told him yes and he asked if I wanted him to kiss it better. Then he did, the sweetest kiss, then told me it was all better. He has come home with more songs to sing, in just one week. Deck the halls and "I am a dinosaur"

~~~~~~~~~

There is alot I would like to write on here...because there is more to me than my school, work, and family...if that wasn't enough to write about... but I'm not sure really what to write anymore. What makes me tick?

2006-12-22T06:23:00.000-08:00

I survived FINALS week!

I have my first clinical out in BA the Monday after Christmas! My first clinical instructor is the best teacher that I have met so far...and even though she scared the wits out of me for my pharmacology lab and I drew a huge blank...I like her alot. She makes you a better nursing student.

So...Pharmacology is finished passed with a 80.3 GPA needed a 77 to pass.
In the floor test final that I needed a 85% to pass I made a 94%
Foundations of Nursing is also finished with an 88.4 GPA
Gerontology is finished with the final in about 40 min.
Physiology and Anatomy is finished, I took the final about 10 min ago.
My skillslab is done with a 90 GPA
My skills final the correct instertion of a foley catherter using sterile technique was done yesterday with a 94%...

Next comes Christmas break...then Med Surg! and 3 weeks at a nursing home.

I'm helping my Grandma move tonight and tomorrow, T's little brother has set up camp at my house for Christmas break...he is 16. And T is coming home in 2 days !!! Baby boy and my family have already left for NC and should be there sometime this morning. Everything is coming together sooooooo smooooooooothly!

Food for Thought

2006-12-19T08:05:00.000-08:00

I wonder what got into human kind when we decided to maker faces and animals in stone...what made them want to do something like that? When you have living breathing people and animals...why use stone ones to decorate buildings and statues?

And here are some word associations I was asked a while ago...

yellow... lellow
red lipstick... kiss
socks ...shoes
cowtipping... trouble
moulin rouge... scandal
greenland ...iceland
iceland... greenland
harry potter... magic
red... blue
blackberry... blueberry
rose... pink
rooster ...chicken
whipped cream ...pie
lollipops ...suckers
dreams ...sleep
vitamin... D

Little Homemaker

2006-12-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would be so excited to see a set of bright stainless steel collection of pots and pans sitting on my stove! They are so beautiful, I can't wait to cook with them!

There are also new little odds and ends at the house, a new clothes hamper, and set of drawers for Baby Boys clothes and my underthings...lol. That beats a barely put together box anyday. I'm so excited! The next thing on my list is to go home and scrub the floors and the tub...and oddly enough I can't wait to. Mayby I'm finally getting in the Christmas mood...or mayby its a really good way not to worry about my nursing finals...either way I can't wait!

Gradually I have added the following to the Kitchen...silverware, blender, microwave, set of pyrex baking dishes with lids, the cuisinart pots and pans, Really all the Kitchen needs now is a set of glasses and tuperware, mayby a decorative cake pan or two. I have my eye on a set of everyday dishes that are black and white to keep from using my china...it will get there though...

I may not have gotten everything at once...but it truly makes me realize the progress I have made, and be grateful for how I got them, not just in the kitchen but everything. Slowly the house is coming together in its own little way, and i would say you would know it was mine when you walked in the door...and something about the way I feel when I'm cooking in my house...makes it a little more like home.

A New Lesson to Learn

2006-12-13T08:57:00.000-08:00

I'm learning a new lesson in life... the one about anger and when its appropriate to speak up. Q has really been challenging my temper the last few days. T and I had talked about it and during a really good in depth conversation he told me that letting little stuff get you angry is not worth it...

Last night, my temper hit the roof. I wanted to scream, yell, throw things, wake everyone up and let them be miserable. Yet, what was I angry about? Them not picking me up from work, going home and getting in their pjs and going to bed, knowing that I was getting off at 10p. They didn't call or ask if I could find another way home. That was the part that really got to me.

But I have to be the adult in this. Its was obvious to me that niether Q nor her boyfriend cared that I wasn't picked up. So I was just standing there holding my breath, angry gettin blue in the face. I was so knotted up, I couldn't eat, sleep, do homework and they were peacefully asleep in their beds. I talked to my Grandma, and thought more about what T had said. It was true. In ten years I won't remember that this happened, or what was said. I may just look back at it in 6months and wonder why I got so upset...so why was I wasting my time with it now. I made it home safely one way or another, Baby Boy was ok and that should have been enough.

I finally got to sleep, the last words I remember thinking was..."God please help me get over this." This morning, I was ok...played some music while getting ready and got in the car to make the morning run of Q to work, daycare and school. In the car, Q asked why did I "bang" on the door last night. I could feel my blood pressure rising. At first I was going to do like I have done so many times in the past when faced with confrontation...not say anything. I have always been so afraid of blowing people away that I just didn't say anything to them about it. But I could see that if I didn't say anything, she would have deemed it as acceptable.

I told her "How do you think I got home last night?" granted I had an attitude, but I was trying. I was doing well not to yell. "D didn't pick you up?" Well, no Q he was in the bed sleep with you. She blew me off after that...saying well we went to be early I was hurtin. I let it go at that. Because the only thing left would have been to argue about it...because she has pain pills for that pain...her pain has nothing to do with her boyfriend picking me up and still they could have called and let me know and not let me wait for an hour for nothing.

I have been trying my best to sort it out inside me. I'm actually proud of myself for keeping most of my anger to a minimum. I can see what T said has great benefits...not letting things get to you so much. It just takes great discipline and practice. Who would have known that the chance to practice it would have come up so soon...

Another thing that happened though was during that conversation with T. We both got to see something about ourselves. He got to see how I have matured. I was explaining to him that I don't want to get married "right right now" we don't have anything in place. And the baby fever is gone...that would not be a good idea right now. He got to see that I was thinking about it rationally. Which eased his mind about it alot I think. I also told him just what I want in a family and my career. I like the traditions of family...like the one I'm starting with Baby boy making Christmas cookies together and reading a bed time story with him. He already knew the material things in life didn't matter to me, but I do know that you have to have essential things to survive.

I got to see how he has improved on his thinking of life, family, tempers...He didn't sound like highschool T anymore...he sounded more like my dad actually...telling me what he was planning for and how we needed finances in place and the kind of life he wanted to provide for us. Then he noticed that this was the first time in a long long time that we got to just talk. No rush, no interuptions, not about "I miss you" or " I want you" just talk about the really important things. He did say something that really grabbed my attention though..."I really am committed to you, you know how much I went through to get you. I wouldn't do that for anyone." So, I'm at peace with where we are right now. I actually think its the wisest thing to do right now. Its hard to enjoy something when there is misery attached to it because you were not prepared. As much as I want to be his Mrs. I want US to succeed and enjoy it more.

Of course, T could not help but be T...he was chopping down a tree during the conversation...just to....his exact words...."relieve boredom...something productive to do" It made me laugh and see how I miss him doing things just because he wanted to...He was the first guy that I could what I wanted just because and it not be weird.

2006-12-08T09:22:00.000-08:00

Touch Me

I can't describe how you touch me...
you see
you mark me
daily
claiming me as yours.
It doesn't matter where we are
or
how far apart...
I'm yours,
with every breath...
and you
draw me closer
with every
caress...
And every word
spoken
or moaned...
Keeps my body
honed into you...
I can't escape you...
and I don't want to.
I'm yours.
I hear your voice rumbling in my ears
and it sends
chills...
down
my spine...
I taste your kisses
and I loose
my mind...
I feel your love
so deeply
it makes me tremble...
in my thighs...

When I wrote that I was in another world in my mind, a world where I could write anything. When I sat back down and read what I wrote...it made me blush! I love this poem though, I love the intensity of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can I join you in your world?
Can I come rest in your arms...
away from all this mess?
A peek or visit is not enough...
Capture me...
Kidnap me...
to this place called love

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Her silky locks...the wind and wave.
The curve of her hips and the sway of her back...
the bend of the Earth.
Her thighs...the slopes of hills & pasture to graze on.
The crook of her arms...the bend in the limb of a tree.
Her dew...is found on the morning grass.
Her voice...the sunrise.
Her moans of pleasure...the sunset.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Someone once told me,
"you search for a love"
And I do...
I search for a Godly love.
A love I can be proud of,
an all giving love.
A love that pours from your soul.
A love that is perfect because
despite
imperfections it's strong & grows.

I wrote this one a long time ago...I never read it to anyone. It came from a real life conversation of someone telling me those very words. Yes its an ideal, but more than that its what I believe love really is. Its something that I have watched myself start the process of learning with T over the last months and years, and he with I. I hope we all get to experience the feeling where your loved ones imperfections have you on the edge, you just want to throw your hands up and leave...but inside you, you can't. Your love for them keeps you grounded and you gather the grace and strength to love them through it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Out of all the poems I have posted here recently...these are the ones I am the most sensitive about. Even though they still don't sound like me when I read them back...I love the way they speak how I feel. Yes, I did write them...and I'm glad I did.

RN vs IBCLC

2006-12-06T10:04:00.000-08:00

As a part of being a nursing student, it seems like everyone has been asking me..."Will you go on to get your RN (Registerd Nurse) ?" I have thought alot about it, and I don't think that I will as of right now. I want to get my hands on nursing as a LPN (Licensed Practical Nurse) first. Also, I have always been a big advocate of breastfeeding, so I have researched to see what I need to become a Lactation Consultant.

To my surprise I found that to obtain the title of "Lactation Consultant" you must have 45 hrs of continuing education in my current state, have those hours documented and then sit for the exam. However, this exam is for an International license! I can go anywhere in the world with this! My title would be:

Me Last name, LPN, IBCLC, RLC(Internaltional Board Certified Lactation Consultant), (Registered Lactation Consultant)

My goal is to complete my LPN program October 17th 2007. Pass my N-CLEX-PN exam by Jan 1st 2008. Then get settled with a LPN job, preferrably at a military hospital. Once I have gotten into the swing of things, update on the requirments and complete them for my Lactation Consultant license. Then if after, family and kids and career...I want to go for my RN. Then I will. I don't really see the need to be an RN, but that may change. I look at it this way, complete one goal at a time. My LPN and family is my priorities right now.

Because Breast is Best!

and

Breastfeeding Moms need love and support!

2006-12-05T09:55:00.000-08:00

This is a poem from a couple years ago. I didn't really want to put it up on the blog but there is really no reason why I should hide it. I am of course over this phase...things are really different now.

Goodness, Goodness

where do I start, where do I begin

My heart is "just fine", pero mi corazon...

I put on such a seemingly brave front,

telling myself that God is enough.

if I endure he will heal all the hurt and pain.

and that if I keep my mouth shut and just

simply

obey,

then God will turn it around from my good one day.

So in reeling back my tongue,

and keeping my feelings to myself,

supposedly,

...somehow...

that will help.

But these sutyations & circumstances

have not changed yet.

There is no time for real feelings or conversations,

no time to laugh or smile. I'm given the silent treatment

or yelled at for taking the time to sit and talk for a while.

Its been so long since I have voiced...

and its been many times convincing myself

that this is my role and I shouldn't start.

So honestly, truthfully I am afraid.

Afraid that if I speak

this joy, passion and love

will mean nothing and fade away.

That just like my dreams, it will be too weird to give notice to, or be important.

But wait...

let me stop myself like all the time before.

My feelings aren't what is important.

You see thats how my mind works now.

This has become the norm,

but I can't rememeber how.

Ok, examin this,

how in the world does this make sense.

how is this right that my tears are silent @ and thru the night?

Yet through it all I feel the guilt,

the pressure of taking up the slack

that others have built.

And when I am overwhelmed, angry

and begin to resent.

I think "where is love?"

and my anger descends.

My tears dry and what others have done is

ok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

More Poems 2006

2006-12-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

Your hands cuddle & caress...

cradle me

mold me

I'm a fool for not letting you

do this more often.

you understand my thoughts...

your temper

not phased by my emotions

Words can not express

how you impress yourself upon me

You blow my mind with

one thought of you.

& you overwhelm me with you

presence & in your glory.

I'm amazed at the faithfulness of

your love, gentleness and mercy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are the times when I miss you the most...

When my mind is clouded and

I can't see the promises around me.

You lead me through these places

and make me see..

there is more inside of me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a pang

in my chest and it

pounds and pulses...

I can not say why,

my breath catches...

Or why my face flushes and that familiar tingle

starts to

creep

up my thigh...

I can not explain why the world dims,

life slows its pace

and time begins to stop...

I can not describe how everything

is rose coloured

and a gleam

sparkles in my eye...

from the sight of you...

I can not express why my voice softens

and my paitence extends...

I can not mention the memories

that race through my mind...

or why the giggles from our pillow talk

co-erce a half lip-bitten smile

from my lips...

I can not convery how hard it is

not to settle into your arms

and kiss and caress you at night.

I can not articulate the amount of

strength it takes to

control this dam of tears...

from the thought of missing you...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Fight

My pen feels weak in my hands.

My emotions seem to pour

like a hourglass full of sand.

with every inhale my chest trembles

With every exhale more tears stream.

I can feel the adrenaline coursing through me,

down to my toes.

It was not the thud of his punches

landing on my chest that hurt.

His chokehold around my neck

did not take away my breath

My scratches at his throat were trying to do more

than release his grip

and my stance was not one of retreat.

A fight is a fight,

thats not what rips into me.

What hurts is that we share the same blood.

We should be friends, we should be able

to look out

and protect.

To see each other's hearts and respect.

We should be able to stay calm and collected

in our thoughts and words.

This is bothe the hurt and the hope that cages this rage.

It is the love that fuels this hate.

These are the wounds that sting as I cry.

These are the scars that I try to hide.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2006-12-05T05:38:00.000-08:00

Some poems from my collection....

I know what lies between the thighs of

manipulation and deciet.

I have plunged into her slippery depths

of confusion and misery.

I have grasped at her chaotic curves and

desperately suckled at her nipples called

chance,

searching for one milky drop of hope.

I have entangled myself in the mirage of her glory.

And allowed myself to be blinded by a glimmer of beauty...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do not submit to you because

I can not handle life's situations...

My submission is not a sign of weakness.

I submit to you because

I love to see you as the Man that God created you to be.

And because

it brings me joy as a woman.

I submit to you because I trust you

with my heart,

breath,

my very life and soul.

I do not miss you because

I can't handle my own choices...

I miss you for who you are

because I never loved you for

what you could, can and will do...

My submission comes out of

my strength...

it shows that everyday I willingly bend my will

to yours,

to bring you pleasure...

which also brings me pleasure and I am

complete in this.

Without you as Master...

I WILL

continue...

to be a woman.

A strong woman.

I choose to share that part of me with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday Morning

2006-12-04T10:01:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning me and my blue vest had to be to work at 6:30am. I was standing there watching Tim Allen's The Santa Claus waiting for an eager customer to come and check out when I felt my cell phone vibrating in my pocket...
I'm allowed to have the phone on the floor because of the way our family is set up and with emergencies I have to be able to be contacted.
I'm thinking something is wrong...and I picked up the phone.

It was T! Sleepily saying good morning and asking what I was doing...

I laughed, I smiled and from others around me saying...I "glowed" I told him I was at work and that I couldn't talk then. He said ok, but something in his voice was saying he was looking forward to talking to me early in the morning. Still I had no customer, none of the cashiers did...so I asked my supervisor for a bathroom break. I went and called him back, he was surprised, but I could tell he liked it. We talked for mayby all of 10 min just checkin in with each other, tryin to distract myself from squealing on the phone when he said it was only 2 more weeks till he is home. Then he remembered I was supposed to be working. His voice dropped, he became stern with me and told me to really use the bathroom, and go back to work. All I could do was smile at him through the phone. I really love that man.

So for the rest of my day, I smiled and glowed and strolled down the isles...I can't help it! Its only 2 weeks away!

Then last night (Sunday) I called him at 8pm to tell him that I was going to sit-in on the 911 application. He was sleep when he answered the phone. I wanted to talk to him so bad but all I could think to say was "Babe your sleep, call me back later..." He didn't argue this time, just said "Ok, I love you" before he started snoring again. When I got off the phone I just wanted to be there...do you know how tired he must have been to go to bed at 8pm?! This is the same man that before the army he wouldn't go to bed before 3 or 4 am.

I did go on my sit-in though, I applied to be a 911 operator..thinking it would be a unique once in a lifetime job while I was in nursing school. I loved the sit-in and I could definetly do the work...especially the radio work but the training hours are during school for 2 months...so I can't do it. I liked the experience though. Now I know what happens when I call 911!

2006-11-25T13:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Q,

With all the progress and wonderful things that have happened in the past few months, weeks and days...please please don't let our support system and communication lines fail...do you realize how important they are to me? We can't live without them.

I need you guys not to buckle. I need you to understand that even though my family is a pretty good size, there are only a few pillars that I can lean on. I'm glad they range in ages and experiences. I need each of you. I can lean on my Bapu, my Grandma J and T...The rest of my pillars are crumbling. I can not speak exactly to what or who you are...just this written plea...don't let the house we worked so hard in building crumble. True, I need you to be there...but more than that we need each other. I have been there through your hard times, tears and angers.

I haven't told you everything that I have been feeling and the things that I have pushed aside. I haven't allowed myself to deal with my Papa's situation. I have not dealt with things goin on in my body, I have only mentioned the surface things. Also I have onlys gone a little bit into my emotions about everything going on. How my Mum truly makes me feel, and my brothers. My reasoning for this is, I have to believe that there is great things going on right now. And there are! Awesome things, to really be grateful for and cherish them. I am trying so desperately to not focus on the bittersweetness of it, or the out and out disappointing things going on. We are strong enough to get through this.

I know it upset you when I told you please not to stress this...I wasn't tryin to make you stress more. I needed a break from hearing about all the things we don't have, or still need. I'm too young to die from worryin about stuff...and you are too. Miraculously there has always been a way that was made, or an allowance to circumstances...if I don't trust that all of it will be handled then, what hope is there?

Love,

Me

2006-11-22T07:11:00.000-08:00

I did it! I'm out for Thanksgiving!

4 tests in 3 days! I made a 95% on my physical assesment, I forgot to ask about allergies and "provide privacy" But she also said I was very through, and she liked my bed-saide manner.

I took a gerontology test, anatomy and physiology test, a foundations of nursing chapter test and midterm.

2006-11-20T06:34:00.000-08:00

Well this weekend was interesting...

I realized my son knows a whole lot more words than he lets on to...I'm use to him saying 2 or 3 word sentences like ..."come on, potty." This weekend though he surprised me just how much he talked. He woke me up, shaking me..."Momma wake up, wake up!" When I woke up and said good morning, he said, "Morning, Momma drink, come on." I told him his uncle was in the kitchen and go ask him to get you a drink. He said "Ok" and left. He returned with a cup or water. He roused me again saying, "Momma I don't want this watty(water), Laid(Kool-aid) please" I laughed and told him that was all he was getting this early in the morning. He put the cup down, went to the bathroom and came back..."Momma, light off, come on go potty" I asked if he could turn the light on and he pulled his scooter/bike into the bathroom, stood on it and turned the light on. He went to the potty and when he was finished I heard him yell..."Done Momma!" He waddled back into the room with his underware half up his thigh. He grabbed his bottom and laughed saying "Booty...BOOTY!" I helped him pull them up the rest of the way...Then I heard the all too familiar saying, "Momma, Nemo watch it!" We watched Nemo together while I fell back asleep on the couch...He snuggled up next to me and pointed out Dory, Nemo, turtle, bird...everything he could remember. It was a nice relaxing morning though. Since then I have been making him say more words to get something, not just the 2 or 3 it takes to get me to recognize it. He has been repeating my sentences after me. He has also picked up alot more words...jamas (pjs), hurt me, outside. And he uses them readily.

I feel like now would be the time to lean back in my chair, rest my hands on the back of my head and smile...then type..."I have the smartest child on Earth!" That would appropriately mark my proud parent moment. lol.

2006-11-17T06:34:00.000-08:00

Last night, things felt just a tiny bit more like home...

After I got off of work, my phone was playing nice and finally let me see the screen. I got to see all the txt T had sent saying "Good Morning Beautiful" or just seeing how my day was, or saying Goodnight. It made me smile a big goofy grin. I txt T to see if he was still awake. He wasn't but he called anyway...still half sleep. We talked for a little bit, about what Christmas this year would be like...and how fun last year was. Last year was our first Christmas actually doing something together. Then slowly he started to drift...I heard him softly snoring in my ear and I smiled again. I miss his snoring. It may sound funny...but like I have explained before my DAd always snored really loud. I could be upstairs with my door shut on the opposite side of the house...him downstairs with his door shut and it would still sound like he was on the other side of my door. So I learned to find comfrot in it...I knew he was there.

I woke T up and told him to go to sleep I would talk to him tomorrow...half sleep he said, "No I'm talking to you, but I can't hear you...then he started snoring again. I laughed and said it was because he was sleep. He told me, "I'm just so tired." And I know he is, he has been working so many hours and getting up in the middle of the night to go get people from the bars when they were too drunk to drive home. And I know how hard it is for him to wake up, so when he wakes up just to talk to me, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. After arguing with me about how awake he was for about 2 mins. he started mumbling in his sleep. I figured he had started dreaming. I woke him up again to say goodnight and I love you. He whispered it back and snored again before he hung up. I sat and listened to him snore for just a little while.

Its funny how a little thing can make your night. And many things I find comfort in that most people would not. My Mum thinks its hilarious that I actually like it when he snores. And to I find it lets me know he is ok. I know he is breathing. Since my Dad has sleep apnea (lack of breathing for intervals of greater than 30secs while sleeping) I have noticed at times T does it too. Mostly when he is overly tired or can't get comfortable.

And its funny the things that get passed on through generations...you know the silly things. My parents may not have carried who was there with them when they slept...but the things I remember as a child, like my Dad snoring...I still look for now. My Dad use to sleep like a log too...but when he heard the faintest "Daddy..." he jumped up to see what was wrong. I think most would agree its a parental instinct thing or something... But now, I do that with Baby Boy. And when he is sleep, you'll find that his little hand creeps across the bed to feel for you. His favorite spot is your neck, but if he can't find that he will be content to rub your arm or back. and like I did when I was little...he can't resist kicking you square in the back. If he can't find you, kick you...boom...he's awake looking for you. And it absolutely tickles me that my 2 yr old...snores.

Anyways, I thought it was a kodak moment to share from last night. Or at least to mark in my memory of journals...

Last night was the closet to home I have felt in a long while. Amazing what snoring on the phone can do. Isn't it?

2006-11-16T09:37:00.000-08:00

Thank you all for the comments you left. Each one of them encouraged me and made me smile.

The update for school is this...T and I talked last night. No matter what has to happen to keep me in school he is going to help me fight for it. T told me that I am strong enough to do this, to dig in deeper and get it done. That really gave me a peace about it...I know I can do this. His Mum has agreed to keep Baby boy till I can find a daycare, and because of limited transportation she is keeping him through the week.

Friends at school have offered to help get me back and forth to school if I need a ride.

I feel comforted by that. It will be hard, but doable.

Now is the time to just work at it harder. Nothing worth having comes easy...I should know that by now...not relationships, not children, not family, not school or work...

One comment that I received online that blew me away was this..."You have earned your life, I'm proud of you." All of your comments were uplifting but this one made me think. As much energy as I have put into this. As many tears, hours of my brain just being jelly, the physical wear and sacrifices I have already made...I'm earning my spot in life. No one...not T's stepmum, not my mum, can look at me and say I didn't work for what I wanted. They can not say that I let life pass me by, or did nothing to fufill my purpose in life. And whether or not they ever acknowledge this...I know its true.

~~~~~

But all of that still doesn't stop me from saying the absolute wrong thing to T at the worst time...At school a male student made a horrible comment asking me about my abilities sexually. I was so embarassed that he said this in front of a group of my peers. And I didn't want to hurt his feelings so that I basically let him off with a tap on the wrist. Then to make it worse...I told T about it...in the middle of a really good conversation just before we were going to go to sleep. I was thinking it was just telling him how my day went. But I just ended up frustrating him even more about being away from each other. And if he would truthfully say...probably really frustrated and even angry with me for letting him speak to me that way. And it didn't hit me until I was talking to my Grandma on the phone. I feel so completely naieve. Why on Earth would I think that T wanted to hear about another guy saying something out of line to me...especially when he can't do anything about it. (Although I realize that it shouldn't be up to him to do anything about it, that I have to deal with it and make men respect me...period. However, he is protective and would do something if he were here.) Then to add on to it that he had to go to bed thinking about it....that was great on my part. I feel like I was really inconsiderate of what his feelings might have been hearing that. I should have thought it through more.

2006-11-15T10:22:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling. I have cried my tears. I'm numb. I can see the reason in taking a leave of absence. There are some positive points to it. Thats still not what I want to do though. On the other hand, there is no gaurantee that things won't be just as hard or harder next year. If I could just stick it out till Christmas...then I would feel alot better about it. I have thought about asking the more financially stable people in my family and at my church for help...yet I still can't bring myself to to that. Especially when they don't return good e-mails, or the ones they send are short and snubbish. Mayby I have too much pride...or mayby I just don't want to be a burden...this is my struggle. I have accepted help, and I am so grateful for it. I just don't want to "take" help from those whose heart isn't there to give it. No one is obligated to help me.

I'm tired of things being this hard...lol...of course I would be. No one wants things to be hard. I can see where it has made me stronger. I'm learning to curb my emotions more, and instead of crying the whole week...then wanting to think rationally. I cried for 1 1/2 days and started thinking rationally. T has been calling to check up on me and see how I am, but we keep missing each others calls and so we haven't had a chance to talk. So, he isn't making the choice for me...I can see how he has changed too...more on that later.

Yet I feel like if I do...I'm giving up. I don't want to do that.

2006-11-14T10:03:00.000-08:00

I cried all last night and most of this morning...

I cried because the thought of leaving school has actually crossed my mind. I no longer have daycare, still don't have transportation and I have 2 more days of school that I can miss for the whole year in order to still take my state boards...

A leave of absence would let me come back where I left off next year...push my graduation date back and give me year to get transportation. It also means that I wasn't good enough. That my Mum was right, I can't do it. I would have disappointed all the people I was trying to prove wrong about me, and the ones who are proud that I got this far. It would mean I would have to give up my dream for a while.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT!!! But I really have no choice.

I'm trying not to think about it meaning I would have to stay away from T another year, because thats not why I'm in school in the first place. I'm doing it because this is my dream, where I'm supposed to be. To make life for my son better.

I don't know how to explain it without tearing up and sobbing. All I can see is the faces of the people who thought I couldn't do it, who thought I wouldn't make it, and those that never took the idea seriously.

I just want to be held and go to sleep. But I'm a woman now...I have to face it. And if it means keeping my son in a safe place, or a roof over his head...then I'll have to give up my dream for a season. Although I have no idea what I'm going to do with myself not being in school and learning.

I need a MIRACLE

2006-11-13T11:02:00.000-08:00

Not a whole lot to write about...This weekend was good, T and I got to talk a whole lot more than usual. He had some time off and I was off from work and school. We laughed and got to really enjoy each other again. One thing he said that bothers me is..."I feel like a piece of machinery..." That gripped at my heart. I don't want him to feel that way. Yet I know its how he has to feel for right now. I don't want him to be a bleeding heart and be in the middle of a war where he can't focus. Thats how people die. I need him to survive...to come home in one piece. At the same time though I want him to have a chance to be himself again, to laugh and play. To show the different emotions he has and just be human again. I'm not sure how to do that yet, but I'm working on it.

2006-11-09T10:07:00.000-08:00

A funny post for today....

Last night when I came home from work...Baby Boy had recieved a toy from a friend. A toy cell phone with Spiderman on the flip picture. Not only did I become friends with Spiderman...and Baby Boy show me his new skill of flipping the top and saying " Wats up SpidMan! Hello?!" He also showed me his level of confidently saying "No Mommy My Phone!" It was past his bed time and I was trying to explain that Spiderman had to go to sleep too and it could charge beside Mommy's phone...when....

POOT!! rumble rumble....POOT!

It surprised me so that I laughed and said "Ewwww...you farted...." Baby Boy took it and ran with it.... He giggled, "I farted!...." Then after a funny look on his face he laughed again...."out my booty!" He continued this for a couple minutes when he burped.... He called that a fart too, but after explaining that when it comes out your mouth its a burp he laughed and tried to fart again.

Oh, but don't forget Spiderman...Baby Boy then felt the urge to pick up the toy phone and call Spiderman, and tell him that he could fart out of his booty... He laughed at that for a hour. I couldn't get mad...I was trying to keep from cracking up myself. His face was so innocent and yet so devious.

And that is how farting made my night at midnight....

Marriage

2006-11-06T10:16:00.000-08:00

T is definetly coming home for Christmas!!!! Yay!

Now that, that is out of the way! Just a couple things I want to mention here...We ran into a friend of T's family in the store last night...I was with Q & D. Once she introduced D as her boyfriend and the FOF (friend of family) gave him a hard time and made sure he knew where to find him etc...he asked who I was. Q introduced me as T's girlfriend. "T in the army? " He said, "Baby girl, hold out your hands..." I did... " He hasn't taken care of you yet? If he don't marry soon...come holla at me, I'll take care of you." I laughed it off, I'm sure he meant it in a joking manner anyways...I thought it was pretty funny. I was standing there in about 4 different non-matching colors, with a purple doo rag on my head, no make-up or jewelry on.

Then this morning, a guy-friend dropped me off to school. He made the comment, "Too bad you have a man, if you didn't I would marry you." He said it sincerely and I know he cares. It actually kind of hard to be friends with him sometimes, knowing that. But with firm boundaries and reminders here and there, he has most recently respected that I am T's woman.

And to be honest, the thought crossed me mind...all these different people have made the comment that T should swoop me up before someone else does or before they do...why hasn't T done it yet. I had to remind myself...T is the one I want, not the others. I can wait till he is ready. I know not to push him, and when he gets to that point of actually doing it, he will. I really do believe that he is waiting for school and the army situation to pass and he has a better grasp on life. And if I am being mature about it...I need to prove to myself that I don't NEED him to take care of me. That I have things to offer too besides the traditional wifely/motherly duties. I don't want anyone to be able to say I'm a burden to him. Especially his ex-step Mum. And with the thought of her in my head I told myself...I refuse to be her. I am not setteling for what she thinks I am capable of. Nor will I pattern my life after hers. I will be true to my heart, to my man and to my vows.

This isn't a game to me. Yes, I desire it with all my heart, but when the time is right.

Laughter makes a heart merry

2006-10-31T09:39:00.000-08:00

It has been going really slow the past few days...communication with T has almost been at a stand still. We are both so frustrated with the situation, we just don't know what to say to each other sometimes. Most of our txt have been "I want to talk to you, but don't know what to say"...

I have tried to reason it out...we both know why we are in this situation...and that it is only for a season and has its benefits...we understand that...so why do we get so frustrated still? There are times when all I want is to sit next to him on the couch watching tv. Or sit in his lap and talk about somthing silly, laughing with him. Last night was one of those nights...I thought that txtn him somethin ridiculous would at least crack a smile...and it may have but it wasn't evident...lol. I got so frustrated I said snapped at him. I ended up having to laugh about it...I didn't mean to snap. I'm just frustrated. All in all we love each other and we will make it through...

My Mum says that I should accept it, stop making myself miserable and if I can't accept it then find someone that won't be gone all the time. I tried to explain to her, out of all the people that have approached me since he has been gone....all I can think about is him. I don't think she too much liked that answer but she has to deal with it either way.

This morning though, it seemed as if things were back on track...we laughed and txt on my way to take baby boy to daycare, and then head to school...I even txt him through my lecture in class.....shhhhhh this one time and it won't happen again lol. I'm still crackin up about the things we talked about and missed each other on. And I felt like i could hold on a little bit longer till Christmas.

On the bus, a man decided to talk to me about all the ramifications of President Bush placing our troops in Iraq....and how many more he will have to send. At first I just smiled and nodded my head. Then I became angry...he brought up all the media footage... I tried to politely tell him, there are good and bad things happening there that we don't see on the news...that is only a piece of the puzzle. He kept talking...a Veteran across the isle spoke up and said you have never been there or to war you don't know what the military is like... Yet this man kept talking...I couldn't not say anything any more..."I have to deal with everyday, that I can't be with the man I love because he is in the army and I'm in school...and one day this spring he will have to go to Iraq...right now I survive off of 10 min phone calls and txt messages, and a few letters...and I can't imagine the families that have to live each day with their loved one already over there...or of those who have died. They have to suffer for your freedom...the least you could do about it is be grateful and be quiet" The veteran nodded his head. The other man looked at me and my nursing bag, and backpack and sleeping baby boy in my arms...then looked me in the eye. I was trying so hard to hold back tears. After that he said nothing.

I calmed down alot and eventually my stop came...but I have thought all day...about the millions of army, navy, marine, air force troops and families that deal with being seperated daily for months at a time. And just as I felt a bit of comfort this morning being able to laugh with him and feel a little closer to him...I want that for all those families. For those who have lost a soldier...I'm so vey sorry for your loss.

Lonely

2006-10-23T09:42:00.000-07:00

Friday was a mixed day...I picked up my last check for my job. I was fired. Part of me says you really can't afford to stress about that...just focus. Yet at the same time...this is the second job I have been let go from in a year. Thats 2 too many in my book. I'm praised for the work I do...yet it is obviously not good enough to keep a job. What kind of nurse will I be?

I didn't want to seem too bummed, out. Mum's birthday is in a couple days so I took her to get her hair done. While she was with T's aunt S. I took the girls Q and C and T's Mum out shopping. Q and I split an outfit for Mum J. It made her happy. She is stressed from the chemo and not having her hair anymore. Next comes radiation...
Little sister C spent the night over at my house and we watched movies and chilled for a bit. I had no where to be on Saturday.

I called Tricci to see how she was doin...and that was a waste of time. She doesn't treat me like a friend anymore. More like an inconvience. Some would argue she rarely treated me like a friend. I have decided to let it go.

I finally slept in, it felt so good. When I was in the shower, T called on his way to the gym. He left a message sayin he would call me back, but never did.

Then an old friend called out the blue, he wanted to take me out see how I was doin. I hadn't talked to him since I started school. We went and played pool and talked...mostly about Tricci, school, baby boy...then he made a comment about how sexy I was. How if he was given the chance he would be everything to me that T wasn't or wouldn't do for me. I'm beginning to hate those comments. I don't know what to say. I'm so used to being guys friends and they not even looking twice at me like that. Now, I can't get them to stop. Yet with girls I feel like I have to be a certain way to be friends with them. I'm completely ok with watchin basketball, or a horror movie, playin pool and just chillen with guys. I can relax...or I use to be able to. With girls I feel so prissy, and gossipy. I have to sit a certain way, or wear certain clothes.

Anyways, back to playin pool with ol' dude. We laughed and joked. He explained to me about his car. He didn't try to be really affectionate. I didn't feel uncomfortable with him....just missed T that much more.

Sunday, I missed T so much. I didn't want to talk to anyone. Not to mention I didn't feel well. and Baby Boy is sick. Both our voices are gone, and we cough and snort snot. lol. I'm not eating again. Nothing holds any flavor to me. All I want is for T to be home and hold me. I watched Tristan and Isolde...which I probably shouldn't have...its a love story. Q kept askin me what was up. I txt her back, and yes she was sitting right there beside me. I just really didn't want to talk. I txt T, telling him "I really feel the lonliness today. I can't wait for you to come home." He said he knew...now honestly at first I thought he was smartin off. It kind of erked me. I txt back "how do you know?" He said, "because I get more and more irritable everyday" That made me feel a little better.

I can't believe its almost been a year...He left Jan. 06. I have only seen him twice since then. We went through really hard times, but we miss each other so much. Never has saying I love you in a simple txt meant so much. Or having him call just to say hey I'm on the way to the gym and was thinkin about you. Lol he is so proud of his 8lbs of muscle he gained. I am too though. But then to think I'm here in school till Oct 07. Thats so far away. But I love it. I'm learning so much in school. Since I had to learn my lesson in personal integrity...mayby I am to the sacrifice lesson...

This morning my Mum chewd me out, I wanted to scream @ her, " SORRY to inconvience you...I'm trying the best I can. No, I don't have a car, yes we are sleepin on the floor. your the only way I have to school, Baby boy is sick. I can't get warm. I'm freezing all the time. In class, @ home. Even if I had the $ to ride the bus...I would never get well walking 1/2 mile every morning in the cold with a 50lb back-pack and baby boy. And a taxi cab for one day, one way is the same amount as the bus both ways for an entire week. I can't afford to go to NC for Christmas, and I don't want an Aunt who never speaks to me to pay for it. I wanted everyone here at my house. But you won't even stay an hour. Brother won't stay 10 min. And STOP interupting me changing the subject while I'm in the middle of my sentence just because you don't like what I'm sayin!" I stayed quiet though. I can't tell my Mum that. I'm still worried about hurtin her feelins. So for the time being I'm willing to let her walk all over mine.

I just want T home. A friend that didn't want anything sexually from me, or feel like I only wanted to something from them would be nice.

Anatomy Tutor

2006-10-19T17:44:00.000-07:00

A couple of people from my class approached me about making a small study group so I could explain the Anatomy and physiology to them. We studied for an hour the other day...Today they came to me and said they understood everything so well. It finally made sense to them! We studied again after school for an hour and 2 more people showed up.

Now, I'm not saying this to toot my own horn. Its a good thing. I used to be so worried about being thought as the know it all. So I played dumb. I wouldn't explain it but very briefly and usually act like I really didn't know what I was talking about. This time, I used methods that I know help me. I used me hands, drew on the board, asked them questions...made them figure it out. I was so proud of them for getting it, its really not that hard. Even though they are all older than me by at least 5 yrs. they responded to me. I could see their minds working and the information clicking. It was past memory, and into understanding "why" this part of the cell does this or is named that... It was so exciting! I encouraged them for the test tomorrow, and I know they will do well if they relax and trust they know the information.

It was a great accomplishment!

Feelin the Christmas Spirit

2006-10-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

T is coming home for Christmas!!

I can't wait! A little over a month and a half. I will also be done with my first 3 months of nursing school, and the day after our christmas break I head to clinicals...that means I will have successfully completed the following classes

Lifeskills, Intro. to Nursing, Nutrition, Gerontology, Dosage Calculations, Growth and Development, Anatomy and Physiology, Foundations of Nursing, Med Surg 1, and Nurseskills

It also means that I will have maintained above the required GPA and only be a hop, skip and jump away from passing my LPN boards.

It will also be my first Christmas in my own place! I'm looking forward to it alot.

Things are so intense!

I dream about Christmas almost everynight...
Yesterday T asked me what I wanted for Christmas....for the first time ever. All I could think to say was for him to be home for the holidays, and something special from him making me his. Turns out, thats what he wants for Christmas too...Nice to know we are both on the same page.

I have noticed too alot of things about myself these last few months...
I miss cooking for T. I miss having family dinners. I miss T snoring in my ear. I miss having my Dad, Mum and boys in one place. I miss the incense my Mum burned during the holidays. I miss the heart felt laughter in our family and the sincere smiles and hugs. And while somethings will be naturally missed because its no longer a phase in my life...others I miss because I am not ready to let them go and accept the way things are now. And still some I miss purely because I can not have them at this point in time but will in the future.

Its easy enough to find that same incense...and I'll get to hear T snoring soon enough, and my new family can have the family dinners, I'll get to cook more food than T can hold down when he gets here. lol. The rest I have to work my way through letting them go...mayby its just that I need to let them go for right now. I truly do believe my family will be together with heart felt laughter and sincere smiles and hugs again.

But at least I can give Baby Boy that now in the present. And it wont be long before the new family is all in one place...

2006-10-03T10:54:00.000-07:00

Its been forever since I have been here but, a quick update...

I'm at an intense level of stress right now but I know it will be ok.

I started Nursing school !!!! YAY! I'm lovin it. Its a hard challenge.

Baby boy started at the daycare across the street from me, so I get a little extra time with him on my lunch breaks.

T and I are working things out... we couldn't stay away for long. He is finally opening up and I finally understand a tiny bit of what he is feeling being away from everyone he loves.

Tricci and I haven't really talked or hung out...I'm not sure you would even call us friends

2006-08-18T16:49:00.000-07:00

An update....

I'm loving my house. I'm getting use to having company around and running a house. I'm learning spanish for work and using it well with one of my residents. Baby boy is potty training. And school is about to start in a month. I have talked to my Dad a couple times and my Grandmother too.

I guess you could say I'm learning to stand on my own two feet. As my own woman. My choices and consequences....not T's, not my Mum's, no one's but mine.

2006-07-26T16:00:00.000-07:00

He finally remembered my birthday! After 4 years....he remembered it! And more over has been the most talkative the past few days. Sending messages just to see how I was doing this morning or asking if I had gotten over my cold. Yes...I got sick the day after my birthday.

We have been talking and playing...things are still rough being apart but its ok. I'm dealing with a lot on my plate...but God is good. I have been able to talk it out with a special someone. And it helps alot. Its funny how God repaired my veiw of her, and is shaping our relationship.

For my birthday, I got my tattoo...its beautiful. No where near as painful as I thought it would be. It was more annoying than anything. But its like a watercolor on my leg...I'm so happy I got it.

Genisis 2:18

2006-07-09T19:27:00.000-07:00

18And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.

2006-06-27T05:18:00.000-07:00

This past week has been really hard on me. It came with a lot of doubt, confusion and it was all caused by miscommunication.

Even though it has T and I in an uncomfortable spot right now, it is teaching Us a lesson. One I hope We don't loose sight of.

I'm counting down the days till I move into my own apartment! I'm so very excited. And I hope it works out that T can come and see it before too long.

So right now I'm just packing, making phone calls, and packing...

i'll be here again soon.

2006-06-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

I'm experiencing some frustration right now.

T is upset because I didn't call him on his birthday...I couldn't I didn't have the number. I only got that today. I did send him an e-mail though. I talked to him today and he rushed me off the phone promising to call back later...and yeah well he never really calls back.
I hate doubt...and the funny thing is that once a simple comment is made that makes me doubt one thing. I begin to doubt everything else in my life. One comment Mum made about the apartment...made me doubt my dress today...I changed 4 times. Made me doubt Baby boy's hair cut. Doubt my actual ability as a woman, mother, and student. I really don't like that. There are so many good reasons why I'm doing this...so many things it will help me to grow in and accomplish.

It puts a real damper on my excitement of moving. I know he loves me, and I him...he is just different now. Not in a good or bad way, just different. It takes some getting use to. Over these next few years we will both change tremendously. I'm still stoaked...and I know he is too. I just miss him. Wish he was here to watch me move in, well not watch but help. lol. To hug him when I get the keys and dance with him in the living room of my first apartment. Of course I'll still do those things, and he will still be with me. And we won't have to wait so long to talk or see each other.

And as much of a peace I have about moving...I still wish Mum was at least confident that I could do it.

2006-06-19T00:23:00.000-07:00

You can only run for so long, before you have to step into the Man or Woman you have become. Even though those around you may not be ready for you to do so.

2006-06-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

I recieved my official acceptance letter into the LPN nursing program!

I also signed my first lease for my own apartment today! I move in July 1st!

These are really great adventures for me. I know not everyone agrees with my choices. However, I have prayed and thought alot about this. I need to do this for me. For Benjamin. For my family, present and future. This is not a bad thing. This is my life moving forward, not being static and not being afraid to lean fully on God. So please rejoice with me in these steps, and I hope this next year will show you just who I am...as a Woman and Mother. And give you all something more to be proud of me for.

2006-06-09T19:24:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update....

I am working at a new nursing home...for right now.

T is almost settled on the base, he called telling me all the wonderful things he has accomplished since he has been down there...he bought a car, a phone and civilian clothes. He is getting to ready to head down here in a week. He really really likes it there, its just really hot. He is moving into barracks right beside the gym...which is perfect for him. The gym is like his second home.

I was planning to get the phones for his birthday on the 17th...but now that he already has one...Im stumped as to what to give him. He already has the clothes, shoes, Bible and watch. I guess I could get a nice wallet... thought of mayby his tattoo...but he would leave before it gets finished and be a year before he could get it finished. He isn't into jewelry or hats...so I have no clue now. I don't want to just give him money.

He is excited and proud that I got into nursing school.

Baby boy has a mowhawk! I did it myself.

I saw the Exorcism of Emily Rose finally... And an Indian movie called Fire... will post more on them both later.

2006-06-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

I was searching through some words today. You know words we use all the time but don't really know the meaning or at least we don't act like it.

The words that came to mind to look up were: worship, exalt, praise, glorify and magnify.

These are all words I use pretty regularly when i sing. Yet do I truly know what they mean. For example..worship. Do I really worship God? I would say I do. I love getting in that place with God where everything else goes away and I can just be there in his prescence.

The next question that came to mind though was hard...Do I worship him above everything else? Does my actions reflect that?

Honestly, no I don't...it doesn't.
As much as I love and adore him...the tv still stays on. I'm always too busy or too tired to visit with him, just the two of us. As much time as I can sit and be with T, or baby boy...I fidget or fall asleep with God.

Now I don't believe God hates me for this, I just am really aware of the longing he has for a true relationship. To show me things no one else can. To teach me and guide me, love on me.

I want that too. I do, I do I do-oooo.

2006-05-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

If it is at all possible...I think I have found a new, and brighter glint of mischievousness in baby boy's eyes.

2006-05-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

The days have been getting better. I can't say that I don't still get a bit antsy about not having a job, but I have let go of those hateful words...Over the last couple days many people spoke into my life...all saying the same thing. Everyone from my Grandmother to my church family.

Its hard to live under those words. Having them haunt you, its extremely tiring. I think the thing that finally broke it was knowing that "I am the daughter of a King". I truly gave my best and thats the end of it. I laid it down and can't pick it back up. There are other things for me to do.

I finally got a revelation on Ruth 3:3-4...they are instructions. I think thats all I'm going to write on that.

Other than that I enjoyed my holiday with baby boy.

2006-05-27T18:39:00.000-07:00

T's mum called to check on me and to tell me that T arrived in Texas last night around midnight. He is getting setteled today and will call as soon as he knows all the info. Address, leave dates, all that jazz.

I guess you could say i know how T felt when he didn't have a job. Wanting to push me away...frankly I have been wanting to push everyone away. I feel numb....each feeling and thought I have cancelling out the other.

Feeling like a failure and knowing I don't have a steady income anymore...and trying to repeatedly tell myself that God will make away, that my best is all he requires of me.

Knowing that this would be just what the enemy wants, for me to doubt and give up....and honestly not wanting to be put in another work environment like that.

Truth is my job comes a dime a dozen...every nursing home, hospital, hospice and home health agency is always wanting more help.

And knowing that even though spiritually I can reason it out...its just a test...like my Grandmother said...that was my assignment for a reason and now its over. But in reality...my responsibility to Baby boy doesn't end because I don't have a job. And I refuse to let someone else handle it for me...even for a while.

And being completely honest...I hate that it was on T's graduation date from AIT. I hate that my plans to go and get him are most probably done away with. I'm fighting that feeling of him progressing and me regressing. Yeah, I'm still stoaked that Im going to school for my lpn. I know that everyone is still proud of me for that...even T. In the mean time though...I don't want to have to explain to everyone when they ask..."how is your job going" or "how was your week"
I'm so proud of him, and I love that he is doing what he set his mind to...I don't resent that at all. I'm just frustrated that when I finally began to feel secure...erased my debt, saved money in the bank, handled all my responsibilities...its all gone now.

I'm taking alot of deep breaths...closing my eyes trying to remind myself to let it go and let it stay that way. Knowing that Monday, or Tuesday I'll go and get another job. That even through this God hasn't let me down, I may be treading water more than I care to...but I'm still afloat.

2006-05-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

It was a good thing I went to church Wednesday and read that scripture...or else I'd be really really upset now. I have mixed feelings about this and its the first time I'm really explaining what I'm thinking behind it.

Today at my job I was fired. I have never ever been fired from a job, or even replaced on a project. So that was a shock. The thing that hurt was, I could not explain myself. When she called me in it was obvious they had already made up their mind. They didn't know about all the things I did for the residents. They couldn't read my mind the couple weeks before when I told myself that I was going to do even better...not forget one person, make sure I took time to brush everyone's teeth, change them more frequently and still be there to help the other girls. These were all things that I saw in my work...no one called me on it. No one even seemed to notice. But I began working on them. No sooner did I get better with the things I put on my list...I get slammed on an hectic day. Written up for forgetting someone. I took it in stride, I know I did my best and didn't forget them on purpose. The supervisor that gave me that write up, understood and only really gave it to me out of principle. I understood that too, it was my fault and something that shouldn't have happened. So I said I would try harder. He told me he liked my attitude and thought I did excellent work.

However, I was still called in...the explaination was that I wasn't good enough to work on the unit. When she asked me to tell her what was going on, i did. I told her I know my work isn't perfect, and that I was trying my hardest not to forget someone, or rush someone, take that time with them and that it concerned me. All she said was "Hopefully you can get it together on your next job" I just nodded my head and signed the dotted line. I held it together when she took my badge. I knew there was no point to pleading with her.

I told my nurse's goodbye and even hugged the one that didn't get along with all the time. I wished them all well, and told the girls to hug and kiss the residents for me. When the girls found out they were upset, my supervisor's and nurses didn't know why they fired me. But none of that really matters. It wasn't their choice.

Now I'm dealing with the plain and simple fact...I was not good enough. I know I tried my best. And no one will ever completely know just how much I loved and cherished my residents. I'm sad that I won't get to hear more of their stories...that I won't be the one taking care of them. I do hope that no one upsets them with telling them. I would much rather just fade from their memory. But they won't ever fade from mine.

I have cried my tears. I hold no anger towards that place. I'm working on the anger and frustration I have towards myself....dealing with not being good enough, all that I gave of myself...it wasn't good enough.

I don't understand this, especially right now in my life. I don't know how to tell T, or even what to say to my Mum. I don't want to go to another one....nursing home hop...and get attached to another group of residents. Yet I can't not take care of them and not be attached. I can't work outside medicine....thats not an option. I'm really having to trust God with this, he has to have something working out.

In the meantime, I'm breathing deep...taking it one moment at a time.

2006-05-24T20:58:00.000-07:00

I read this scripture at church tonight...and it made something click on the inside of me. It taught me alot about fear and doubt in that moment of reading it.

The scripture is Jeremiah 17:7-8

7 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

8 He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

We were challenged at church to insert our names...make it personal, so i read it this way...

I am blessed, because I trust in the LORD, and I find my confidence in him.

I am like a tree planted by the water, that sends out its roots by the stream.
I do not fear when heat comes; my leaves are always green.
I have no worries in a year of drought and I never fail to bear fruit.

Its ambitious yes, but in that there is no fear or doubt, it leaves me completely leaning on God.

LPN Test

2006-05-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

I got the results from my test!

I needed 300 on my verbal to pass...and I got 410!

I also needed a 270 on my math to pass....and I got 300!

So I go in to do some more paper work, and for a final interveiw...then its off to finacial aid!

I'm SO excited...I'm going back to school!

I have missed school so much, and had to endure people saying that I wasn't going to amount to anything...saying that all I wanted to be was a housewife...and that I only wanted T so he could take care of me...

Not being able to tell each and every one of them, just how much that wasn't true...

Ruth 3:3

2006-05-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

I was reading over in the New Testament one night and then I found myself in Ruth...

Now I can't really explain why I ended up there...I know the story. I didn't have anything else to do, so I was content to read it again. When I got to the the 3rd Chapter...3rd and 4th verse...it jumped off the page like a 3-D movie.

3Wash and anoint yourself therefore, and put on your best clothes and go down to the threshing floor, but do not make yourself known to the man until he has finished eating and drinking.

4But when he lies down, notice the place where he lies; then go and uncover his feet and lie down. And he will tell you what to do.

Why did this passage jump off at me? I didn't know...so I decided to start looking over each part.

The first thing that I noticed was...Ruth trusting Naomi so much that she went and did this not knowing what the outcome would be.

Second....Washing and anointing yourself -in other translations its written as perfume. Then putting on your best clothes... I'm with that so far....getting ready in your best things...it shows how important this event is for her. People only dress up for 2 reasons...one they are made to for an occasion...but we already know she did this willingly... or two...they deem the occasion very important or special to them.

But why did she have to go to the threshing floor...at that time? What is so important about that?

That and when she went there...and lied down at this uncovered feet....if someone had walked in...would they have known what she was doing?

And where would that have left her if he chosen not to take her for marriage?

How did Naomi know for her to do this?

And I guess the biggest question...why does this seem to be so important to me? What was God trying to get me to see?

2006-05-18T15:54:00.000-07:00

Today work was a bit overwhelming...but I made it through. Just a man came up on the unit...talking to residents like he had known them for years...but I have never seen him there. Then he walked up on me really fast, looking at my chest. I thought he was trying to read my name tag so I said, "My name is C, can I help you?" he walked past me and said, "It fits"

I didn't know what to think or do....then he said, "I'm lost...where is the elevator?" After I showed him, all my other c0-workers asked if I was ok. I guess I did not look happy. They then explained that he was the new woman's boyfriend. That disgusted me...why did he pick me out like that? Why did he feel like he had the right to look at me like that, then to speak to me like that.

So I went and found the closest administrator on the floor and told her. She had me nonchalantly pick him out upstairs and then she said she would handle it.

That really weirded me out though...he didn't touch me...or make any overt sexual comment...but still he made me very very very uncomfortable.

2006-05-17T20:04:00.000-07:00

These posts are meant to build me up and I re-read them to encourage me and see how far I have come. So this post especially needs to be written.

You know it is just like doubt to creep in your mind and start little seeds of unbelief...

And after hearing a couple comments made by a step-mother that doesn't like me...I started to think...well mayby they are true. It all makes me angry...starting to rationalize the comments...weighing if they are true or not....its ridiculous. I have to believe that T loves me and wants me...other wise he would tell me. I have to believe that he is a man of his word...if I went off of no other comment he made to me...I have to believe that when he said "I will tell you if I don't love you anymore" it was true.

I refuse to believe that a woman...who doesn't like me in the first place...knows more about the feelings and the relationship shared between T and I. I trust in T....so I won't give place to the what if's.

2006-05-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

I took my lpn entrance exam today...and I think I did rather well...

I'm one step closer...

2006-05-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

This is tough for me to say...so bear with me...

I caught baby fever last week. All I can think about is being pregnant again...T and I having a child together. And while I know the timing isn't right...it wouldn't be fair for T to bein Iraq for the whole pregnancy and the baby be 9 months old before he could hold him/her. We would both want to both be here for every craving and baby kick. Not to mention the delivery...

And I know a bit about hormones and can obviously see its just a hormone game...and mayby a little fear, what happens if he doesn't come back...but I know beyond knowing that God will take care of him and bring him back...so I just have to talk to the fear and command it to leave...but hormones? I didn't know you could command them and they leave.

Yet at the same time...hormones or not...I still would only love to be pregnant...knowing its a child made from T and I's love for each other. I miss him so much right now I can't put it into words...I'm sooooo excited he gets to come home. There aren't enough descriptive phrases to express it.

2006-05-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

I just had to post this...baby boy now says blello (hello)!

2006-05-10T18:50:00.000-07:00

Not much to say other than I am noticing that I feel so special, so loved and cherished. Its like I finally see how much my family and T love me.

The the years I grew up and my parents told me I was beautiful and special and I didn't really believe them...I finally feel it. I don't feel like they love me because they have to...I'm their daughter...or sister...or grandchild...or neice...but I am unique, one of a kind, special and worthy of being loved....

I don't have that worry of T finding someone better, prettier or love someone else more. That probably sounds arrogant...but the way I feel it, its not meant to be that way. Its hard to explain...

Anyways, I have felt this way for a while now...and I enjoy the feeling of it. That everyday ordinary me is special and loved very very much. i'm just getting around to posting it

Wedding Frustration

2006-05-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

I'm just a little frustrated with some people...getting married is not...I repeat is NOT about diamonds and fancy dresses. I'm sorry its just not. I know its a girly girl thing...but just please chill out.

No, I do not have a diamond engagement ring...for several reasons...the biggest being...I DONT LIKE DIAMONDS...mayby I'm too naieve to appreciate them...but all I see is a clear rock...and even pink or yellow or blue diamonds...seem faded to me. I would much much much rather a ruby...its sooo passionate and vibrant. It is not the end of the world not to want a diamond engagement ring. They look wonderful on other people...just I don't like them for me. I would think that would be enough reason right there...

Second, I would much rather spend the money for a diamond ring that people ohhh and awwww over....on a house payment or car payment...something I can really use. Because the people ohhing and awwwing aren't living in debt with me....with a chunk of ice on my finger.

Then there comes the dress...yes I love dressing up...and honestly do have my dream wedding dress picked out...its a $1,000 USD cream, gold and silver sari. Gorgeous beading and just fabulously royal. But having the picture is enough for me. Its not the dress that makes my wedding...its the love shared between T and I and those we share it with. Its that at the end of the day...I'm his...his wife...and everyone knows it. That he is my husband. You know..."I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." Thats what a wedding means to me.

So when you see I don't care for fancy rings and things...don't look down on me. It doesn't make a wedding cheap or "not for real" it just makes it my wedding. Because truthfully...some of the most extravagant weddings with the biggest diamond rings and catered reception and imported foods and flowers....still end up loosing the love they had.

I'll take the love...thank you

2006-05-08T20:03:00.000-07:00

Today was a real laid back day... A new Italian resident has decided not to give me so much trouble. So far he has told the other girls that he wants what he wants...when he wants it and wont do anything other than that. But really he is sweet and you just need to joke with him. So anyways...I needed his weight and we walked down the hall and he steadied on my shoulder. We talked about taking a bath...one of his sore subjects...and he said he would give the whirlpool a try next time they asked him. One the way back to his room he told me it was comforting to have a shoulder to hold while walking. I guess you never really think what little things like that really mean. We also joked about some "stormtroopers" as he calls the hospice nurses.... We both laughed and I dropped him off at his room.

Things went that way all day...until I went to see my old onery man. Over the weekend he got 4 spots of breakdown...well not spots...more like patches...the smallest one is baseball size. All my usually quick witted man did was moan and scream. He no longer saw me as Sugar he didn't even open his eyes to look at me. To tell the truth that made me furious...for breakdowns that fast and furious he would have to lay in bed all weekend without being turned. I know the weekend crew...they should not have let that happen...co-operating or not.

Then his wife came, and she broke. She stood at his bed looking at him crying. A couple of the girls and I took turns going in to hug and comfort her throughout the afternoon. She held onto us and didn't want to let go. I told her she was in our prayers and that God would give her peace. I told this onery old man in his sleep that he better act right for S. It at least brought a smile to her face for a brief moment. I could have stayed in there all day...

2006-05-07T21:26:00.000-07:00

T just called and you know what he said?...

He said that he missed me and that while I was on base with him all he wanted to do was spend time with me. Yet...he still has that weird thinking of not letting himself getting too close. He said that he didn't allow himself to spend as much time with me because he didn't want to get use to being comfortable again. Because he said he would want me the next day and be dyin cause he couldn't see me. Its not really that logical thinking to me...but its still sweet and makes me go AWWWWWW!

I miss him too, and really if I had known he felt that way, I would have fought more for his attention. However, I know it was the right thing to do sharing his time with everyone.

But anyways, it was one of the most sweetest things he has said in a while. He also said that the running shoes I sent him felt wonderful, and so comfortable...like me.... You can imagine how much that made me grin and giggle like a little girl. And you can also remember just how hearing his voice puts me at ease. So i'm a pretty happy camper...other than the phone he sneaks the calls on dies every time we talk. Not that I wasn't a happy camper already...

You could say I have been at peace with it. I finally have someone I can call a spiritual mentor...a wonderful couple at our church. They have graciously listened to me and still open their hearts to me. They have listened to my tears and my passions and what pulls on me so...and they haven't run off scared. So I don't feel so explosive anymore. I can't say that I have completely dealt with him going to Iraq...he can't even tell me about it. Its like he refuses to bring it up knowing I'm not ok with the thought. I am doing better with it...I think the thing now is I didn't think it would be that soon...July 2nd. And it hasn't really sunk in that he is going so soon.

I'm so very blessed...in so many ways.

Science of the Spirit?

2006-05-07T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have this weird question..rolling around in my mind for the past couple days...

Mayby it is an object lesson God is trying to teach me...and I just haven't figured it out yet.

But here it is...

If you have one container...1/2 full with water containing 150 degree F. Then you add the same amount of water again...at the same temp. Will the temp rise because the water has no where to disapate to? Or will it remain the same temp...just more water?

I don't know where this ? came from. Nothing I have watched or seen, or even read. I just woke one night with it repeating in my head.

I'll let you know when I figure it out.

2006-05-06T19:32:00.000-07:00

Now that I have recovered fully from my lack of sleep...

Friday night T called but I wasn't here...I was at his mother's house, which he called next. It was a good thing because he found out where he is stationed and when he is coming home. He is stationed @ Fort Hood, TX...and you know the thing about it is. I have been praying for T in general as he is starting his military career...and I have been hearing TX for about 2 1/2 weeks now. So actually hearing T say it...wasn't a surprise but more of a relief. I'm so very proud of him and I know he will do wonderful things and grow even more than he already has.

2006-05-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

I made it...I worked 24 hrs in the last 28-30 hrs...I'm exhausted but I made it.

One of the things that I noticed very clear today occured in the room of my onery old man...his wife "S" came to see him today and he was being examined again by the RN supervisor, the MDS worker and the treatment nurse. They very bluntly told him, if he doesn't co-operate with turning and eating then he won't get better. Silently his wife held her needlepoint and looked down at it. Her eyes teared up and she tried to hide them. It was like I could hear her crying..." I love him so much, what am I going to do without him?" I teared up and just wanted so badly to hug this frail little woman. You can tell from her experessions that she has put up with his ways for so many years...yet she loves him like no one else can. Once all the boss's left I got him to eat and her and I talked about the piece she was needlepointing.

Thats all the little tid bit I have the energy to leave today...

2006-05-04T16:37:00.000-07:00

Did you know that you can get a scholarship for bloggin?
Who knew...

Well, today has been an interesting mix of outward chaos and frustration and inner comtemplation and peace. Today I made it once again by the grace of God. But my work day is not what I want to talk about.

I want to talk about is on a previous post...one of the many I wrote about loving T...I wrote that I wasn't sure if others loved this passionatly. Well I found a couple...a woman I work with has been telling me the story of her and her fiancee, over the weeks we have been working together. She is in her late 40's and his early 50's. The are a strong black couple, yet they have so much life and love between them. They both have each others back and aren't ever going to let go. The whole time she is telling me this...she tears up...like it hits her new everytime just how much he loves her. And how much they have been through together.

I was amazed at them both...and I'm glad I work with her. She has taught me alot by just watching her.

The other thing I wanted to talk about...T's mother J...told me she loved me for the 1st. She has called me her daughter-in-law before...but I don't take it lightly when people say they love me. No ones family is perfect...but I'm glad I get to be apart of theirs. Oh and did I mention...I love and miss T more than I have words to express...well I said it again so you out there in the blog world wouldn't ever forget it. lol.

And that brings me to my work story....
Over the past week a new resident has taken a particular shine to me. After deciding that he liked me he...bit the back of my hand calling himself "taking a bite out of me" really it was a soft nibble. Nothing like the bite of dentures...yay! Then when he wouldn't eat...I made him a health shake and added some ice cream to it and he ate every bit of it for me. Today when I went to feed him some food and his shake he called me sugar and told me to kiss him, he then pucked his lips and started smoochin waiting for me to lock lips. I kissed his cheek after he ate everything for me...but that only led him to tell the other girls that I was his girlfriend. But he is ok in my book...he is a onery old man...just as sweet and sugary as he wants to be. Shhh...don't tell anyone, because I don't have an official favorites list...but he is creepin up the list.

2006-05-02T13:26:00.000-07:00

Today was an oddly rough day...

It didn't start out that way...I woke up from a wonderful dream, wondering why in the middle of it was a pink ice cream maker...

I headed to work with a lecture from Mum...I tried to understand where she was coming from. Honestly, I'm trying my best here and I'm even frustrated with myself.

I went to work and we were short again...big surprise. But the night crew didn't get any of my section up but the 2 easiest people to get up...so that left me with 6 2-people lifts and 1 1-person lift. Then the woman helping me had 2 2-people lifts to do. So yes we were 20 min late to breakfast. However the other two women working...were no where to be found. And I would have thought the charge nurse would have been more understanding knowing we were 2 people short. So I was yelled at about that...then I was called off of my break to get a woman a glass of water. Then baths weren't assigned so I went ahead and got one...talked to the lady and was preparing for it...so i wouldn't get in trouble about that either...and without a word suddenly baths are assigned and no one has the balls to tell me. The woman I was suppose to give a bath now to....was in the beauty shop getting her hair done. So there goes the rule of having baths done before lunch. I ended up not going to lunch...I worked straight through. I was upset and lost control over a few tears but I was setermined not to give her anything to write me up for. Then she tells me after she gets back from her lunch that I have to ask a particular worker for help because I'm too slow with the other co-worker. So next time i needed help...that particular one was busy said no and then when I asked the charge nurse for help she said no find someone else. So I ended up finding the original co-worker that was the only on willing to help me...and just doing it slow. Now by lunch time I had passed my ice, made beds, changed everyone but 2 people and passed snacks and helped with one bath. That wasn't good enough though...not by a long shot. So anyways...to make this already long story short...I got chewed out 3 times today....never written up, which is good...but still 4 workers on a 6 worker floor...of course you can't do the same level of work you did before...some things are going to be late and people are going to have to stretch thier patience...

Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

2006-04-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

Today was a fall in love day...

I remembered just how good God's love is...
all the things he has done for me. It amazed me once again. Yes, I have been through alot in my 20 years...but he has brought me out each and every time. He has never once failed me.

He also reminded me of all the things T and I have been through...and just why he put T in my path.

It is such a sweet feeling...so now that im home from work...I put on some music and I'm dancin around the house singing and super cleaning....

I love being me...

2006-04-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

I had the best night of real sleep last night, that I have had since T left for BCT.

You see I have been gradually holding the stress and tension in my shoulders and back for months now. I would wake up in the middle of the night and want to scream from how hard my muscles were clenched. I actually did it before T left too...the only time I got real sleep was when I was in his arms. It was only then I could really relax, let everything go and not have to worry.

so last night at church, I could feel it...my muscles had clenched so tight I could barely move. My head was pounding and the light started to hurt my eyes.

I sat under a class called the "Prophecy, the word and hearing God" I cried off and on through the whole class. A stream of tears here and there...feeling like I have to carry everything was way too much for me to handle anymore. And really its been that way for most of my life. I remember one thing that would frustrate and worry my dad was when we had arguments. I would be upset about the one thing and then everything else that I held in came tumbling out. To me everything is connected and its hard for me to let others help me deal with it. I did good while T was here...I could call at any time and tell him something that bothered me. It got me really spoiled. Even if it wasn't something he wanted to hear about, he listened. Now that he isn't a phone call away...I'm back to feeling like I have to hold it all in. I have thought many many times about telling someone...but who can I trust to tell everything? and if I tell them will they think me crazy? or will my problems be too much of a burden because everyone has their things to deal with? So it took its toll on my body. Which that in itself scared me...I have never held onto so much stuff in any realm of being that it took a toll on my body this way. My family can tell you....sleep has always always been my friend.

Well after class last night, I had the teacher pray for me. He knew it was because I wasn't sleeping. While he prayed...the Pastor's wife prayed in tongues and lightly skimmed her hand over my back. I want this to be clear...it was no massage...but the longer she did it...and they both prayed...the tension completely melted in my back and shoulders. He told me that when I went to sleep I was going to have the best sleep and that the bed would be God's arms holding me. When I went home, I put on a instrumental Simplicty cd and climbed in bed with baby boy. I slept the same amount of time...but it was completely different. I actually rested in peace, my whole body relaxed and my thoughts not pounding in my head.

Today...was like every other day...and I can feel the tension starting again. But you know what...I'll set that cd again, say my prayers and let God hold me just like he did last night. One night at a time.

Psalms 127:2 For it is vain for you to rise early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so He giveth his beloved sleep.

2006-04-23T21:35:00.000-07:00

I have come here everyday over this week...I have tried writting things down to convey what I was feeling but never ended up posting it or even saving it as a draft.

This week was so chaotic. I can't say it was all that bad...I had wonderful moments with baby boy. He said "My Mommy" for the first time. We played in the park and shopped for new clothes. He poured milk and tea and juice across the kitchen floor many times trying to pour it.

Although we were short at work...I managed to get the work done...came in for a few hours on Sat. to finish up some things. Everyone was really understanding.

I spent a little time with my brother and we rented Love Don't Cost a Thing and The Gospel to watch.

Tricci and I have hit an awkward spot in our relationship. I don't use the car anymore...I dont even have keys to it. It wasn't giving the keys back that made it awkward. It was a mutal thing..no hard feelings. The thing that made it awkward was that the next time I called she didn't want to talk...she said ..."Yessss?" like what do you want? I had to tell her..I'm just calling to say hey..I dont want anything. That was real awkward. She is supposed to be my best friend but I cant call just to talk. When we did talk she wouldn't open up to me...she held everything real back. I know...10+ years of friendship...believe me I know. Now days pass between us and we dont even talk. I also know that she isn't having the easiest time right now...but she wont let me in. I feel like I'm talking to a wall when we are on the phone.

Yet this week I have missed T so much. I know everyone is tired of me talking about him...I can see it in their faces. But as silly as it sounds...it helps me to cope with knowing he is on base.

The past few days I have just been so drained. I miss him so much and its only been 2 weeks since I saw him. I'm amazed at how many things I think of to tell him during the day...or how many ?'s to ask. Of course I try to write it all down in the letters I send but its just not the same. This weekend...I ached for him to hold me...just for a hot second, to shut the world out and in that moment feel safe again. So the comments made during the week could fade from my memory...so my wheels could finally stop spinning in circles and I could once again just be me.

He called earlier this week and about 2 hours ago...and I'm so glad he did. It doesn't change the longing...but it helps to reconnect any little way we can. 10 min...they mean alot.

And because I have to get up in 4 hours to ride my bike to work...and if T knew I was still up... yeah ummm....I'm going to bed.

Dulce Suenos, Reves Doux, Sogni Dulci, Zoete Dromen,
Sweet Dreams

2006-04-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

It puzzles me...I'll tell you why...

You could say that ever since the trip I have held a new confidence in myself. Knowing that I am going to one day...mayby soon...be Mrs. T So anyways, of course I'm so excited about that and I literally feel like I'm beaming everyday. So in turn I have come out of my shell alot...I find myself dancing to the radio in the car and singing out loud in all kinds of places, actually looking people in the eye, and not being afraid to open my mouth....now admittedly...when I open my mouth it is more than a bit sassy. But its beyond me why that has guys approaching me more.

It puzzles me because im still the same me...and I guess if you think about it...I was always this way with T.

And honestly at first I just thought it was my make-up but now i only wear mascara and sometimes some lip gloss.

I don't know what to think of it...other than I'm just happy...more like elated. I loved being able to see him for Graduation and can't wait to see him again. I love him more than words can say.

2006-04-17T03:39:00.000-07:00

I have my new measurements that I took this morning!!!! 42 35 47!! In April 05 was 47 40 50... so I have come a ways to my goal.

This was a total pick me up for my day...now I can go tame the masses ! lol.

2006-04-14T13:24:00.000-07:00

There are two clubs here in town that T has specifically told me not to go to, and that he would never take me there. This was expressed when I brought up that a friend had invited us to the club and he was very very very firm in his answer. And it was an answer that I respected.

When T left for the army he told me to have fun. I did go to a club and had fun, told him about it and it was ok. But now...that friend or person has invited me again...

and being really honest I thought about going. Not that I would be into that kind of thing but it would be interesting to say the least. And I heard people saying "he told you to have fun, so go" Yet all I could think was those were the only two places he told me not to go to...and I should know better than to go and get myself in trouble...because that is the only reason why T would say not to go, because its not somewhere I should be...and he took it a step further..he would never take me. That signals to me, that its not a place I should be with or without him, he is trying to protect me.

So I passed on the invite...told them there are other clubs, and other places to hang out and have fun. I was proud of myself...and even though T doesn't know about the 2nd invite...I think he would be happy with my choice.

Oh and two of my co-workers that I helped hook-up are getting married in exactly one year...April 14th, 2007!!!!

2006-04-11T14:04:00.000-07:00

We are back!!! It was a wonderful trip and I am soooo very proud of my soldier.

We left for Ft. Leonard Wood, MO early early Thursday morning...then came back Saturday afternoon.

It was so good to see him again, and still there is alot to get use to. The biggest thing is all the changes...he lost over 25 lbs. I have never seen him so svelt before. And he is more disciplined, doesn't use excuses or allow for them, he is so much more organized and neater.

I think the biggest thing though, was that I realized....thats where he is supposed to be. And that military life isn't any where near as bad as I thought it would be. The base was beautiful and while we were there so was the weather. I actually found myself fitting right into the rules and regs. Laying out his uniform so it wouldn't get messed up. Keeping up with the times and places. Getting all the things he asked for done ...and it felt really good. This is definitely a defining moment in our lives.

I realized someting else too...now that he expects more of himself...he will and already does expect more of me. Yet, I see in his face when he looks at me, that he is reminding himself to be paitent with me and let me get use to it. Which pushes me and makes me laugh, and strive harder to be the best me I can be....

Baby boy enjoyed the trip too, and I got to spend good quality time with him and my future brother and sister and mother -in-laws...

Can't wait till the next Graduation in 6 weeks

2006-04-05T11:53:00.000-07:00

less than 24 hrs till we leave for the base!!!!!
I can't wait to see T! I haven't been able to sleep since Monday I have been so excited... I think i have slept mayby 10 hrs out of the last 72...I'm so excited. Everything is falling into place and I'm just about all packed...getting my nails and hair done in a few hours. Picking up the car and everyone to load up just after midnight. My face isn't all broke out...my skin is all silky and glowing and all i can do is smile...

I'm going to take tons of pictures, and mayby just mayby I'll post some here...

2006-03-31T20:09:00.000-08:00

I have been racking my brain trying to find something to write about here...I browsed through many blogs reading a few lines here and there looking for inspiration. I have looked through every crevice of my life that I'm willing to discuss...and it seems its all been done before...

So I suppose the saying...nothing new under the sun...applies here. I won't say life is boring...because its not. I just want something good to write about...something that will make readers pause and really ponder a given thought. I guess you could say I want to write something that people can't put down...something so descriptive they feel in that place...with those sensations...with those feelings and memories of it. Something that makes the scene jump out of the imagination...past the page and into their sight...a sort of reading virtual reality. Pour a little of myself out and share it. Yet I'm still perplexed as to what to write about.

I'm not sure whether its something lovely, violent, childish or mature that I want to describe so vividly... mayby a mix of all of them.

I'm also trying to write T a last letter before I head down to the base for Graduation. Everything I want to write about...I would much rather say in person...but on the other hand I know I won't have that much time to sit and talk with him about all this stuff. So writting this last letter has become very very hard. I have to send it tomorrow for him to get it in time.

2006-03-30T19:08:00.000-08:00

Today was a bit chaotic...stressin about the rental car for the trip and being excited put me over the edge. I just couldn't deal with people today. I managed to keep it reigned in though...
However, because there was no outlet for it...constructive or otherwise...I have been tense all night. Not been able to relax and let go. I have thought many times that writting here helped, and it does...but I'm finding the feedback and discussion about the given topics or circumstance is needed. I could talk with T about it...but letters don't do it justice and 2 min phone calls every other week are not cuttin it. Yet...I'm not sure if I trust anyone else enough to completely let go and tell them everything that is going on. And even as much as I talk about saying whatever I want to on this blog... inevitably, there are things on here that only touch the surface.

But anyways...today I found out that something I had written had been discovered by someone else...and they suggested I write a book about it because I was very detailed. It was flattering but I think that is as far as that goes. Mayby one day I will write a book about something else. I hate being so vague in my writtings....something...someone....something else...but anywho.

Baby Boy is learning new words...red, green, why, car, ball, mine, read, and boy. That is in addition to his other known words...Mommy, Daddy, Nana, light, that, hi, bye, Ry, Saiah, Bobbi, and baby. Everything else is "huh"

We were talking earlier in Feasts of the L-rd class on Wednesday nights...that a persons name is like a seed being planted everytime that name is spoken...that a name has powerful meaning into the person you are or will become...so I looked up names...

my name means...Joy, song of happiness & worthy of being loved, loveable.

baby boy's name means...son of the right hand, laughter... his middle name is a family surname.

T's name means...Priceless, highly praiseworthy, he adds & wealthy guardian, strong as a boar.

Thats pretty interesting...it almost makes me want everyone to start calling meby both names like my mother use to do all the time. So everytime I heard it...I would be reminded. Everytime T heard it he would know that he is going to do great things with his life. He won't have to live under the word that he won't do anything. And everytime Baby boy hears his name...he would know just how special he is....

2006-03-29T13:51:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure what I'm gong to write here....I just know that I miss writting on the blog everyday. With so much planning and work and family...and being constantly tired there hasn't been much time to write.

I'm beginning to feel nervous about seeing T again...that butterfly feeling in the pit of your stomach and it feels as if your whole body is overwhelmed by it radiating in waves. Where you can't help but smile your biggest smile everytime you think about it. Where your voice just sounds happy and peppy. Every step you take is like walking on air. Everything you see is seen through rose colored glasses, and the world is a lovely place once again. Thats the feeling...

And oddly enough, I still feel all the other feelings, associated with the different areas of my life right now, but this one feeling....eases all the others.

2006-03-29T04:13:00.000-08:00

7 days till we leave for Graduation!!!

I had my LPN interveiw yesterday...I am scheduled to take a math and english entrance exam on the 11th on April. From there I will have another interveiw and know if I got in or not. Classes start May 22nd or September 18th....so Im crossin my fingers.

Everything is pretty much in place for the trip, just have to start gathering everything to put in the suitcase and make sure its all clean. I am kind of nervous though...T's step mom doesn't like me and she has made it very clear...I don't want this reunion to be remembered as a family arguement or scene so I will smile politely and walk away from it if anything is said. I love T too much for this to be a bad day in his memory.

Other than that, I am stoaked!

2006-03-25T08:36:00.000-08:00

Its only 11 days till T's Graduation!!

I'm getting use to the idea of him leaving for Iraq, its still hard to think about...but God is still good. Between my family, friends and his...I have a great support system. I got my second letter from T yesterday. I didn't expect such a long letter, 3 pages is really long for him. Anyways, he told me about his Basic and Advanced Rifle Marksmanship courses, his Fitness test, Warrior tower and field training exercises. Finally he is having fun, its really cold there, but he is having fun. We both can't wait to see each other and his friends and family that is also going.

In other news, I have an interveiw for an LPN program this Wednesday. We will see what happens. Its an 11 1/2 month course and I would have my LPN. Since I'm proud to say that I made my first goal...of being 200 lbs of less for his Graduation. I'm confident in making my second goal...obtain my LPN by the time he gets back! Classes start in May and again in September. It would be best for everyone all around for me to get my LPN. It would mean a huge pay jump, and I could do more for and with Baby Boy, save for our future and just be more fufilled in my work. Once I have my LPN, there is an RN bridge program there too...but we will take it one step at a time.

I'm also glad to say, that I have paid myself out of the ridiculous debt I had massed by being irresponsible. And I did it by myself...I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want them ....mainly my mother to feel like she had to dig me out, or lecture me to do it. It was something I had to sacrifice and do it myself. A lesson in banking I had to learn and thankfully it didn't mess up my credit or inspire any warrants or prosecution. I know that sounds rough...but it was very possible that could have happened. I'm super proud of myself though, for taking care of it. I guess its another reason why this trip is so huge for me. It with my own money...I saved for every bit of this trip...the car, the gas, the food, the clothes, and the hotel room. T's Mum did offer to pay our room because I took care of renting the car...so I thought it was fair. But I still have that money saved. I kind of look at it, as my first trip as a woman...not riding on other people, but taking care of business. Plus I get to see T!!!!

2006-03-17T13:40:00.000-08:00

Wednesday night was a really hard night for me. After church I picked T's sister up from night school and took her home. T's mother was telling me how he told her he was going to miss us so much after graduation. Then she let it slip that he was being stationed in Iraq. I heard a scream "No!" and felt tears hit my cheeks, only it didn't feel like it was my voice screaming, or my tears streaming. She told me she knew how I felt, but I just couldn't bring myself to say anything else. I just felt so angry, sad and hurt. The whole way home I cried, "God why? It's not fair. Why did I have to hear it from his mother? You promised me all of the things you showed me. You can't let him go to Iraq. You can't let him get hurt, you have to bring him back whole if he must go. Why did he have to sign up for the army anyways?" And a million other thoughts. I came home, and went to bed but couldn't sleep.

The next morning I couldn't talk to anyone, I made myself speak to those at work I absolutely had to. My voice was barely a whisper I just didn't have the energy. I walked into a residen'ts room, and the news was on showing a blown up car in Iraq. I lost it, and had to duck into an empty room and cried. My whole day went like that. I cried at least 8 times at work and tried my best to hold back tears at least 3. There is nothingI can do to fix it, I can't shield him from seeing those things, I can't comfort him after a hard day. I can't beg the army to let him stay out of the war. Then I got in trouble with a resident and ended up yelling at him. I just had way too much constant hounding, being followed and yelled at from down the hall, repeating himself after I just told him I would help him but I needed help. When my supervisor called me to talkabout it, I explained what was going on. And yes I was wrong, I shouldn't have let him get to me like that, or even if he did I should have never yelled at him. I lost it in tears in her office again. She started crying and told me her son-in-law was going for his 2nd tour in Iraq. She let me compose myself to finish the rest of my shift.

After work, I cried again on the way to pick up Tricci from work. When she got off I told her what was wrong and told her exactly what I was feeling. I was mad at the President, at the war, at the millions of people in Iraq that had nothing to do with it, at T for going to the army, at God, at myself....and the list went on. She listened quietly then when we reached the house she spoke. She told me that I had every right to be mad and upset. But she told me not to mourn as those who have no hope. To do like the Jewish people do and mourn for 3 days and then regardless of how I feel I have to rejoice in the goodness of God, because he is still on the throne and he will still work it out. That in all the things I saw, all of his promises I never once saw T broken so I have to trust that God will preform all that he said he would. Because if I wasn't going to stand on his promises then I might as well look him in the face and say God lied. She also told me not to let doubt and fear rule, because I am stronger than that and I needed to be strong for T. Then she said, you never know...mayby this will make him into the man you saw in those visions, mayby this will strenthen his walk with God and you don't want to take that away from him. I will pray with you that he is protected and brought back whole, mentally, spiritually, physically....so don't worry.

That meant the world to me. Everyone that saw me cry, all they could say was "well he knew that going into the army," or "it will be ok" But Tricci was right on it. I can't let my faith dwindle just because things didn't go the way I thought they would. That my love for God and for T has to be stronger than that. God will see us through.

So today was better, I teared up a couple times and it was hard to get my day started but it got there. I was also reminded that T would hate seeing me so upset, and it would make it harder for him to do what he has to. He is a man of his word and a man of integrity he would never go AWAL. So I can't make it harder than it has to be for him. And it is only a couple short weeks til graduation and I still want that to be a happy reunion, even just for the couple of days we are there.

On this post I would appreciate any comments of encouragement, scripture or just your thoughts. It would mean alot to me.

Thanks for listening though...or well reading.

2006-03-15T19:56:00.000-08:00

Of all places.....Iraq....

2006-03-13T20:39:00.000-08:00

Its only 28 days untill T's Graduation!!!! I'm so very very excited, I can't wait to see him. He called yesterday after church and hearing his voice was an incredible feeling. All I could do was giggle and smile for 2 hours after just a 6 min. phone call...He said its still boring for him, but he is looking forward to seeing everyone again...although his attention will have to be divided between 10 or so people in all of 4 hours...that we know of. He might get the weekend off and can come home !

Open the Eyes of My Heart, Lord

2006-03-11T12:39:00.000-08:00

Its has been a long time since I have been able to articulate anything to post here. There seems to be a part of me so overwhelmed with life right now that all I can afford to be is numb, blind and naieve...however...as much as I try to be these things I long to live life as truly myself, the self I was created to be.

And not too long ago I said I was going to be ME regardless of what happens or comes my way.

There is a part of me that longs to tell everyone around me...especially T about the things that I see, hear and feel. I want so badly for someone to understand those things. My dreams are so intense, and now its not just what I see in dreams....but in everything around me. I constantly hear God's voice, my eyes see more of the spiritual realm than the natural more times than not. I even see people that are drawn to me because of it. I see the longing in their eyes. Yet when I go to explain, or to share this world with those around me...I start to show a glimpse and they all have the same look on their face...as if they don't understand the language that I'm speaking. That it is all too freaky for them. Or like with T....we both see it...and it pulls of us both, but we are scared. Too scared to acknowledge it with the other...but we both know its there...we look into each other's eyes and see it. There are moments where all we can do is pause. And even while he is away...I feel it, I feel him.

Last night it hit me really hard...I am so scared of my future. I see how hard it is going to be. I see how radically things will change...yet T and I long for it. We both see it. Then I look around and all I can think is "I see dead people" and laugh...things like this don't happen. Its just my imagination....runn'in away with me. Then God takes me back and shows me all of the people that radically impacted their world...they were all scared, overwhelmed...afraid to fail, or not be good enough. All of them at one or more points in their lives were scared and wanted to turn back....act as if it had never crossed their mind.

I have tried living as if I don't see these things so intensly. And no matter how hard I try, I can not stop from crying when I look outside my window and see the smallest leaf. And I am always reminded....even the smallest thing were created by God...and of the millions upon billions of things in this world...all of them are different. No personality, no face, no body, no tree, insect or beast...no snowflake or cloud, no star or planet. Who am I to say I'm too afraid to try? Who am I to say that it won't ever work?

I'm afraid people will also think me as arrogant or prideful or not take me seriously at all. I'm not off my rocker...I don't even believe that I should be the one seeing this. I don't want to keep it to myself. The only explaination I can give for any of it, is I wanted to truly know God and what he wanted me to do. I know if anyone would say that and truly mean it then God would show them too. And in all honesty...the only thing keeping me from saying God take it from me...is that I know beyond all shadow of doubt that he won't let me down, that what he started he will finish...not just in me or T...but in all of us. Even the US I have and will never meet until we get to Heaven. This road for me maybe hard...but I'm not alone...

So I pray for everyone that he open the eyes of your heart, and visit you in dreams and take you to places you have never seen, that his goodness and love would overwhelm you, that you would hear his voice clearer than ever before and that all of the things he has destined for you to accomplish you will fufill. That through hard times in your life...joy, peace and understanding abound in you and flow to others around you.

Wonderful Weekend

2006-02-25T19:50:00.000-08:00

This weekend has been great! Friday after work I went to t's Mom's house. I took his brother and two sisters (15, 16, and 18) to run some errands and spend time together. We didn't get to do all we wanted so I had planned to pick them up to go shopping today. T's Mom and I talked and are planning to go to his graduation together since she can't drive. Then when I got home and setteled T called!! We only got to talk for 2 minutes but it was so good to hear his voice again. He said it was still boring to him and he got my second letter and was about to read it. He also said he was working on my second letter and he missed me.

So today, I went and got the T's sisters and we went shopping, all of us and baby boy. We went out to a near by town to shop and ran some errands, came back and got their brother and went around town. We got the car washed, went to Wal-Mart and ate some dinner. His oldest sister asked me to help her with one of her senior projects and if we could work out together. His brother wants me to come on wednesdays and play basketball with him. When we got back home I was talkin to T's Mom and she told me T had called her and told her that he was going to church every Sunday now....that is more than wonderful news...I had begun to wonder if he would set foot in a church again.

But of course that isn't all of it. This morning I worked Angel Food @ the church. One of the intercessors made the comment that he had finally met me, they pray for me. I asked what they prayed about and he exactly exactly exactly hit the point....he told me things that I could never explain to anyone else. Things I really needed to hear. One of the things he said was that God was doing a great work in T right now.

So its very exciting...even though its a hard place right now, its a growing place...learning to lean on God that much more. Its not going to be easy but nothing ever is that is worth doing.

Matrix Love

2006-02-19T20:10:00.000-08:00

Since it snowed and sleeted all weekend here, the family and I decided to watch all 3 Matrix movies as a marathon Saturday night. I had seen the first two but never the third one. I have heard several people say that this trilogy was based off of the life of Jesus. I don't know if I would say the life of Jesus, but it definitely has the whole savior complex. But you know me...I have to look at and talk about what was apparent to me.

The characters Neo and Trinity; Niobi and Morpheus; Z and Link and even the architect and the Oracle.....all share a unique love. Lets look at each of them shall we?

First and I think one of the easiest to talk about...The architect and the Oracle...
They were on either side of the "Machine side" The Oracle wanting peace and the architect wanting just to win...To balance the equation. Yet they both are portrayed as the Mother and Father of the Matrix...Somehow to me...That translates into a love. You see I don't think that all love is mushy and easy. To me, the love they shared was difficult but neither one could bare to see the other destroyed. I suppose some would see that as mutual respect not a kind of love...But hey they aren't ME. Just the way they were around each other...They knew the other's weakness but didn't use it to destroy them.

Then there is Morpheus and Niobi....The love they shared wasn't easy either...It seems they both had to go and "sample" other things. They even had an anger between them...Yet they were there for each other when they needed it and could not deny that they needed each other. That no matter how hard they tried they cared what happened to the other. One thing they had to let go of, was the hurt between them. They had to learn how to truly trust each other.

Then there is Z and Link...Who argue because of the care and concern for the other one. They didn't always understand that that is what they were doing...But they stood in each other's corner. Z as a woman did the hard thing and stayed in the face of danger if it meant she could see him again. And Link went to face an unknown danger to save the woman he loved. In the end making it back to each other's arms was so worth it.

Then there is Neo and Trinity...Such a "great" man who could do all of these wonderful things, changed many people's lives...Yet he still needed her. She was such a strong woman, who could handle her own, yet still she needed him...In a way to protect her. Their love was so strong that death had a hard time separating them.

Now that being said, I do know that it is just a movie... And what I am about to say may seem far out...But I truly believe it in my heart of hearts...And therefore it is real to me. No I don't believe in the Matrix...And I'm not some Trekkie.

While watching the movie I remembered a conversation T and I had a long long time ago...We were still in highschool...And it was shortly after I told him I loved him. I already knew that he loved me. We were talking after school at a park, we had a little blanket on the side of the hill. We laid there and just talked...

There was something bothering T. I never knew quiet what it was that bothered him, but I knew it had to do with leaving me by death. He asked me would I be able to move on without him? What would happen to me if I was here laying with him dying in my arms. I remember laying on his chest playing with a button and tearing up. The thought of him dying had never ever crossed my mind before. And I know it was silly to say, but I meant it with every fiber in my being...And still mean it. If he were laying in my arms dying, I would not allow him to die...I would cry out to God so that I believe he would send him back to me, heal him whatever it took. That I could and would not see a world without him. I don't think he believed what I said, he wanted to know the for real answer. But that was the only answer I had. After a while I asked him the same question. He told me the same answer.

Also while in school, I had many people try and talk me out of this love with T. A friend once asked me what if he did something horrible...Could you forgive him and stay? Once again, I had the most naive, wrong answer that anyone wanted to hear...But it was the truth of my heart. That he could do anything and I would still be his. Yes, I might be hurt but my love was strong enough to forgive and love him anyways. They all thought me foolish...And said in time I would regret it and be hurt.

And yes, we have hurt each other...But our love is stronger than that and we are still here. Love does not mean you will never get hurt or be angry.

The truth of my heart is not always accepted in society or understood. However that does not make it false. He knows that I would give anything for him. He even once said that I shouldn't feel that way, because everything is a lot. And I know that, but that doesn't make it a lie. He said I was his everything...And most would agree that he shouldn't have said that either...But I know for a fact he does not say things that aren't the truth of his heart either... LOL...Sometimes we may wish they weren't but they are.

So I said all of that to say this...Yes I do believe that there is a love that strong out there....T and I share it. We don't let go and we won't. There are a many that won't understand...And that is ok...They don't have to.

???

2006-02-17T18:31:00.000-08:00

My Mum just said the weirdest thing to me.....

You are looking at possibly getting married this year you need to be preparing...deciding what kind of wedding you want to have...

-well neither of us want a big wedding, but i know if the family isn't invited there will be hell to pay.

-that depends they would want to, but it might be get married today cause he is being shipped out tomorrow and you have to leave. You need to be cooking, well you already know how to cook, but cooking and cleaning the house, and getting ready for marriage, to be all you can be, its alot to take care of.

-thats what i have been working on...???

that blew me away because in her mind we were just "friends" until a short while ago. And she didn't know why I was upset that he left for the army. I'm not sure if that was her way of saying she accepts and looks forward to it....or what.

2006-02-17T11:59:00.000-08:00

Its been a while since I have written but lots of things have been going on. alot of things have changed in ME.

First I want to talk about the letters I got from T! I was sooo excited to get a letter from him. I was literally bouncing up and down. He is doing great!!! and BCT is alot easier than he thought it would be. He told me about being maced and pepper sprayed, even salt poured in his eyes. He was also put in a gas chamber exercise. He didn't like that too much...but who would. He said next was the warrior tower for repeling. He is getting along with the people there and says he rushes alot to wait. He said he missed me like crazy for real and that he loved me.

Of course I wrote him back and will be sending it off today in the mail. I'm home with Baby boy sick with a light cold.

Anyways, what else. I had Tricci color my hair...I did something completely unexpected and "wild" I'm now a two-toner. I have bright copper red hair on the top and medium brown with hints of red on the bottom. It turned out great. Everyone says it becomes me...well except Mum the only thing she said was "Its Purple!" But its cool, she doesn't have to like it, its my hair. It was really a big deal for me, I wanted it to turn out so much. I had to come to grips with....ITS ONLY HAIR...its grows and changes. If it doesn't work it will be ok. But it turned out great. Then I got my hair cut...2 inches and relayered, oh and a side swipe bang. So when its straight its right at my eye level.

I found a pine tar soap for my face....its working better than anything else has and its only been a couple days.

I'm still working out, and have fended off the "diet pill" temptation. I'm not knocking those that use them, but for me there is somethiing about making my self get off the couch and go to the gym. I feel tons better about myself.

I'm looking for a great outfit for Graduation. I have figured out the colors I would most like...bright emerald green and chocolate brown. With my hair and skin tone...that would look fabulous. I'm thinking a satin fabric. Not sure whether to do a pants suit, skirt set or dress....we will see. I have 6 weeks to find it.

I visited a Messianic Church the other week. That is a Jewish church or synagouge that believes Jesus was and is the Messiah...Christians that follow the Jewish ways. It was very interesting. The people were warm and friendly. We sang Hebrew songs and cantars. I saw the lighting of the Menora and touched the Torah. I think the thing that stood out more than anything to me was oddly enough, the Menora candles had the stillest flame on each of them...it never moved. I think I will go again to another Shebat service.

At my church, Father's House I am taking a Jewish Feasts class. We talked about the importance of Passover...or Pesauch. Its amazing what it all represents and means...I look forward to celebrating it when it comes.

Oh, and I saw this thing about cuddling on tv...it was weird but it made lots of sense...at least to me. I have heard that statistic that a woman needs to be touched affectionately at least 8 times a day that doesn't lead to sex. Like hugging or a holding hands, cuddling, rubbing her back, playing with her hair. So as I was waiting for Mr. to get out the bathroom it hit me....

WE GIVE AWAY MOST WHAT WE WANT TO RECIEVE

I mean looking back over my life...I always loved cuddling with my dad, and loved the sunday afternoon nap when all of us piled in the bed. I am usually sitting closer to someone than farther away. Baby boy and I cuddle and touch all the time. And it always seemed weird to me before but I would always be touching T in some way. One of my favorite things was to trace the sides of his hairline, or the back of his neck. It doesn't bother him, but the more and more I think about it, that was for me. Its a physical intimacy with those you love and sex has nothing to do with it. When I was pregnant, I would be in a tiff because when everyone came home from school and work....they didn't hug or touch me in some way. I was alone all day with lil bump. I really miss hugging my dad and my mum. And cuddling on the couch.

But I'm also learning that it isn't just in regards to touch. I have a thing about being polite and saying thank you, no thank you, excuse me and stuff like that. I need for people to say that to me, so I always make sure that I do that for them. Whether they need it or not. For me its not so much about the manners...although I do think every lady should have them. Its about appreciating someone...and being appreciated. Valued.

Its an interesting way to look at things...and you could find out alot about others around you. What is it that they give so freely? Is it something they need in their life? I know sometimes it would be so much simpler just to say, "hey i need a hug" or "can you cuddle with me, i really need it" but in all honesty its not always easy to ask, and sometimes you just don't want to ask...you know it kills the moment kind of thing. Still I think its all about being flexible. I know there are times when T can't or doesn't want to be that close. So I have to be flexible enough to let him have space and truly cherish the times when he chooses to be flexible on my behalf. And not just with T...he was my example...its with everyone.

2006-02-08T14:29:00.000-08:00

Mmmm what to write about? Well to start off with...my day was so-so. It was cool with my residents. The Dr. went back to repeating himself ten times for something and not listening to directions. And frankly it hurt my feelings. I thought he knew that I would take care of him, and do all the little things he deems important before I left the room. Its ok though, I think its just me being a little sensitive.

Today I just longed to talk to T. To be able to hear his voice and see his smile. For the life of me I can't understand how other men pick up on that...or mayby they were just being extra pushy today...or mayby I was just more sensitive to it. One guy brought up that T was probably at BCT with some "cadet" right now...I laughed, told him to shut up and kept on walking. I don't doubt for one minute that there are beautiful women at BCT. Thats all good and well, but there is nothing more to it in my mind. I trust T. end of story.

Other than that, one of the new orientees told me that white vinegar would help my face from breaking out. Because the sugar scrub has helped up to a point. Like everything else it only gets me so far. I've tried, proactive, phisoderm, clean and clear, edgar morris, dove, noxema, tea tree oil, and sugar. So mayby the vinegar will help more.

I just came back from working out, and I'm trying to think of what I'm going to do with my hair for church tonight. I feel like being a girly girl tonight. I'm waiting to get my hair cut and flat ironed till closer to graduation. Its been at least 6 months since I wore it straight, so it should be a nice change. Speaking of graduation...I'm trying to find a cute outfit for it...Don't know wether I should wear a pants outfit, or a dress. I do know one thing though...I am going to find me some bad to the bone heels.

I haven't slept really well the past few night....my dreams they are intensifying. I'll explain later. Right now I have to jump in the shower.

2006-02-06T15:32:00.000-08:00

So, for last couple of weeks I have been playing with baby boy, working out and trying to survive as ME. So far its been liberating to say the least. I have been working out 2-3 times a week...and will up it to 4 this week. I am down to 211.4 at my last weigh in last week. My whole point of veiw about food has changed. Sweet foods are too sweet...water never tasted so good and a good salad is what i crave. Yet when I look in the mirror...im soooo disgusted with my body. It doesn't match the ME I am inside. I am so proud of myself for the effort and the work I have done. Yet there is a long way to go. Its amazing how much energy and self confidence a simple work out brings out in you.

I talked to T's real mum yesterday and one of his sisters. And I realized how much he is still with me. How much I love him and am proud of him. And that no matter what things we go through, disagreements are nothing compared to the love between us. He is my One. And even though this seems like a long time without him...its only a matter of weeks...we have survived years. This spring will be our 3rd year...still growing with each other and on our own.

These next few weeks will present alot of changes for me....wish me luck!

My Frustration

2006-01-26T13:30:00.000-08:00

Today has been a very very frustrating day...and what surprised me about it was the reasons for my frustration.

My frustrations from work have me almost in tears. Today was just a blur, from getting up to laying down, eating, bathing and everything called for in between. It wasn't doing other people's work that bothered me. It wasn't that the Dr. got on my nerves more than usual. It was that I was too busy to take the time with my residents. I had to change em, put em in bed and off I flew to the next room. All while I am constantly being reminded by family and sitters, that their resident is the "only" one that needs attention at that particular point in time. Which just so happened to be every point in time between 630 this morning and 3 this afternoon. I didn't have time to talk or joke with the residents. Didn't have time to be extra gentle and make them feel comfortable. Then to look up and notice that no one else is even phased by this, that made me angry. Please don't expect me to do 3 peoples work and then bark at me for not doing it to the same calibur that I would have just doing my work. No I didn't get to make beds, or take the trash out every time I put something in it...but then again I didn't get to tend to them with care, I didn't get to let them soak for a while in a warm bath. I didn't get to stay with them while they thought they were sick. Things that are all really important to me, and I believe they are important to the residents as well. And please believe I am not going to treat a grown man as a child. He can have paitence just like the other 10 residents that I needed to tend to. I am not going to stop in the middle of changing another resident just to put you to bed. They deserve their time as well, they have also been waiting. And I have not forgotten you, I know you need to be laid down too.

The hospital of my dreams, that I interveiwed with a week ago, sent me a letter saying they weren't interested in me for the job. Which is very disappointing...she never called my references...never even gave me a chance really. The letter was really upseting to me, I have always wanted to work there. And I know that one day I will, just turns out...it isn't right now.

And what am I doing with my life. what is my calling and purpose. Which ironically goes with what we are trying to figure out in church.

I can definetly say that I am supposed to be a mother, a wife and a nurse. All things I am passionate about. But ok...what about my writting, or my music... sometimes the urge to write is sooo great. That is why I keep this blog, my Mum says if I don't write a book by the time I'm 40 then she will get me. What about that place I get into when I sing. What about my dreams and visions and their meanings. What about the missions in Thailand and Africa. What about the teaching and mentoring/encouraging... teaching and mentoring young girls/women on everyday topics like body image and peer pressure, teen mothers and all the things the worry little girls and make them into women too soon. What about the physical therapy/spa center on the 700 acres of land. What about the future? What about the present? Then add to that a family, and helping them accomplish the goals they have set for themselves. And the urge to just fill the needs of everyday people.

I know I'm not supposed to be teaching right now...I'm not qualified to be a RN right now. I know I'm not supposed to build a therapy center right now. However, I do know that being a mother to baby boy is right now. That right now I am supposed to work on me while T is gone. But I don't want to start school again just to stop, I don't want to go to a community college. But I don't want to wait another year for an opening in Tech school.

T called from BCT...he is doing well and has adjusted to the new sleeping hours. 4am is really early for him. He has finished a week of paperwork and rules and regs. He is going to take a two week fitness course, working out three times daily to strengthen his knee before he actually starts BCT. Then nine weeks and its Graduation. As soon as he knows all of his unit info and address and times and dates he will call or mail it to me. I asked if he was enjoying it and he didn't really know yet, but still sounded excited. Before I could think to say it, he said I love you first. I really needed to hear it and it meant alot to me. He had to make it short though, and said he would call as soon as he could.

After that I sort of calmed down...alot. I'm still sorting through everything, still frstrated and disappointed...but I have a calmer, veiw point. Talking to T always helps, always calms me...even if we don't talk about what is going on.

100th Post

2006-01-16T17:58:00.000-08:00

This is my 100th post, and I have a fitting topic. It has taken me 100 posts to get this far...
The ME that I am, is not going to change...and that is OK! With everything that has gone on in these 100 posts I have come to see myself in a new light. Just the other day I was pondering why I am the way I am, how I can become the way everyone else thinks I should be and why haven't I changed into that by now...

Then while feeding "Mrs. M" I heard quietly, "You only think that because you have no idea how beautiful I made you...I made you this way"

This is becoming my "hearing spot" it seems the past couple days I have heard a little something in that spot, where my mind is numb and I am staring into the faces of people not really seeing them, waiting to feed them another bite. The day before I heard, "I gave you a gift for all of them...(then flashed pictures of the mind, body, soul and spirit, and heart) Think about it." Needless to say, I thought long and hard about it.

Its high time I become the Me that I am, the ME I was meant to be from Creation. There are somethings that will never change about me...its my hardwiring.

I am learning to fall in love with ME, the real ME, for the 1st time. Embracing all of myself is difficult, but wonderful at the same time.

Little Things

2006-01-09T21:03:00.000-08:00

The little things have always caught my attention in life. Here are a few little things I experienced recently.

Baby Boy running to me and when I pick him up,
he starts patting my back with his head on my shoulder.

T calling just before he falls asleep because he remembered that he promised to call me later.

"Kat" reaching up to hug me when I lay her down for bed and
telling me how gentle I am with her.

How Baby Boy snuggles next to me with his hand on my cheek.

Let the little things in your life make you take notice. Its worth is unmeasurable.

2006-01-07T23:01:00.000-08:00

T and I have been talking a lot about "being healthy" He is concerned that I haven't lost all my pregnancy weight, among other things. Things that I think are valid points.

For me its more than just exercising or watching what I eat. If it was just about that, the weight would have been off months ago. I love to workout and I have made a habit of eating salads, otherwise I don't eat a whole lot either.

Its the unwanted attention. I have had breasts since the 4th grade. My first bra was a C cup. I will always be heavy chested. I remember thinking when I was in middle school, "If my stomach gets big, they won't notice my chest. They will leave me alone." I received a lot of unwanted attention by guys growing up. I also got attention from girls. One girl told everyone in my class that I purposely wore bras that were too small. My chest got bigger and bigger, I had 3 different cup sizes in one school year. So I let my stomach get bigger and bigger with it. By the time I got to highschool, it was just something to deal with. My senior year in school, I finally decided it was time to let that all go and be me. I lost over 45 lbs. Just when I started to feel comfortable with myself and my clothes, I began receiving that unwanted attention again.

In college, it continued and I couldn't handle it.

Now, Im afraid of what will happen if I lose the weight. I don't want that kind of attention again. As much as I would like it, I can't have a pocket bodyguard to beat down anyone who didn't stop when I asked the first time. Passersby, I can ignore...but when they are in my face, thats another story.

So before i can loose any weight...i have to tackle this issue first.

~~~~
Today I was watching a show about OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) I had no idea it could be so vary so much. The ritualizing or small things....thats wild. At first I thought, just do it already...it doesn't matter how many times you touch something. Then I thought about how I have used rituals like that in my life to relax. I think at times we all do, something that could be labeled as OCD. For me its pulling the split ends of my hair, or sometimes a hair that just doesn't feel right. I have been doing that for a couple years now. My Mum and friends can't stand it. Anyways, I thought it was an interesting show. We all have a psychosis...all of us.

2006-01-05T04:03:00.000-08:00

Its been a while since I have posted here. This is actually my first post of the year. Some old and some new stuff to write about.

Baby boy went to the Dr. and he has gained 2 1/2 lbs!!! He won't have to go again for another month. That was a really really big worry that was lifted.

My shift at work changed so I can be home at night. I think that will work a whole lot better for Baby boy and the family. So far its hard getting use to the new schedule but its far worth it to be able to play with him at night, eat dinner with him and have bath time together. This weekend I'll be able to catch up on my sleep if need be.

T hurt his knee again this week. Its not as bad as the first time but he still can't bend it or walk on it very well. He has put in a request to push back his leave date for a month to 6 weeks. He is on a very strict diet, so he can make weight. He has to loose 13lbs. I guess me making lasagna and his Grammy making apple pies doesn't help much. And no, I'm not trying to sabotage him, I have made several runs to the store for the things in his diet that he can eat.

I have found a school that I am going to apply to for the fall. I will send in my application next week, for their LPN program. It would really be an adventure to attend this program. We will see what they say.

Overall, things are highly stressed, but life is great. It may not all turn out like I want it to, but we will make it through together...of that I am certain. Family is all you need.

Have a tremendously blessed 2006! I will be adding new links to the sidebar. Please take your time and visit each one of them. All of the links should work, and they are pretty interesting in my book.

2005-12-24T14:09:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas Everyone!

check out my new link on the sidebar, its a photo blog with awesome pictures.

Baby Boy

2005-12-20T21:37:00.000-08:00

Today was Baby Boy's testing...it came back normal. I wasn't able to have a 2nd Dr. see him before the test, but he will be seen next week by both Dr.s

2005-12-20T21:34:00.000-08:00

Some men whistle from afar and all they see...

is make-up with my hair down...

me.

They stand back from all the happenings in my life...

and try their best to make me a scandolous trife...

They don't see my smiles & laughter...

I'm just a sex toy to come after...

To them I have no emotions...

nor thoughts...

They become upset when I don't lay down on the spot.

Starting to Pick Up the Pieces

2005-12-15T08:21:00.000-08:00

Thank you John, Grey Eagle, Uncle A and You know who for the comments you left on my last post. They encouraged me lots. Uncle A, I didn't even know you read this, but I'm glad you do or did...you know what I mean.

John I hadn't thought of getting a second opinion until you commented about it. I have been trying to find a second peds Dr. for baby boy to see before the cystic fibrosis testing on the 20th.

That night I wrote Falling Apart, my little brother surprised me. When he heard me crying he made some hot tea and something to eat, he brought it to me with some kleenex. It was the sweetest thing...especially for him. Teenage years have been hitting him hard. I truly appreciated it though and hugged his neck.

T came home Tuesday afternoon, but something is wrong with the phone. He came over yesterday to tell me what all is going on. He is going to BCT and AIT in Missiouri for 17 weeks. He leaves Jan. 19th. His MOS is mode of vechicle transportation...which I think in civilian terms would be a mechanic. He wanted Health Care Technician but there were no openings, mayby he will get to change later...I don't know how all that works. After his AIT he will be stationed somewhere. On his wishlist of 3 stateside, he put east coast cities. And on his 3 abroad he put Italy, Germany and I can't remember the last one. We talked about the move again, and we decided that while he was gone we would be getting ready to move. If he is abroad...we will talk about it some more. If he is stateside then we will move.

We also talked more about the whole pushing me away thing. He said he would try not to push me away and I said I would be more understanding if he did.

So, thats a bit better...we can work with that. And now that I'm looking for a 2nd opinion on the Dr. I don't feel so anxious about it. I will wait to see what they say before spasing out again. Of course prayers have helped me too. When I wrote before that my heart was shattering...it wasn't just because of T. It was because all I could see was my baby boy in a hospital bed with tubes running out of him. And I know with cystic fibrosis, children can pass before they reach 10, and I just could not imagine my life without my baby. Not being able to fix it, or make it better...that is what shattered me.

I still can't get the resident that passed away out of my head. I had her hall last night, and all her stuff is still there. I did good though and didn't cry, but I still hear her voice.

Falling Apart

2005-12-12T21:19:00.000-08:00

Everything is falling apart...and I'm sitting here with the pieces. And it seems all I can do is cry over each one. I am trying so hard to be strong knowing T is leaving soon. To support him and encourage him in his goals. Yet ever so slightly he is pushing me away, again. It hurts. I'm not sure what else to say about it. I know its his way of coping with having to leave...its his way of preparing himself to be away. I'm trying hard to understand that in him, I don't want him to fail. But when he won't talk to me, and won't hold me. When he holds back what he is feeling and saying, it cuts me deep. The salt over the cut is right before he started pushing me away he told me, "You know you are my heart." That makes the tears stream faster and the ache worsen, just remembering his face when he said it.

My mind is cracking...

My body...eroding...

My heart is breaking...no shattering from the force of the blow.

My whimpers are hidden under the hoarsness of my voice.

My sobs are not as deep as the throb in my chest.

My body is heavy with pain and contorted muscles yet my quick step has to push it aside.

Nothing can compare to the longing I have for....sweet rest.

The emptiness in my eyes are only hidden by their drooping bags of restlessness...

My smiles and laughter are forced to fool those around me...

but slowly my grip is loosening and one situation after another I'm slipping...

At work one of my residents was ill, she was 100 and she came from Germany. She was a sweet lady. When she was ill, she held my hand asking me to please not leave her alone to die. Later that night she went to the hospital, and by morning she had passed. Her voice rings in my head, "Please, don't leave me to die. I don't want to die alone, please don't leave." I can't get her out of my head.

Baby boy went to the Dr. yesterday and he has lost weight since the last visit. I explained that he is eating about twice as much, that he eats all day. I'm up to feeding him 2 eggs in the morning. At least 2 to 3 cups of whole milk, plus 2 pediasures a day. So, she drew blood to run a battery of tests on. She also set up another appt. to have him tested for Cystic Fibrosis and asthma. That right there makes me furious, my son does not have either of them. then the Dr. says if he doesn't have one of those two things, to explain him loosing weight she wants to put him in the hospital and make him gain weight. Now I'm not sure if its common knowledge...but I know from working in the field that the only way to MAKE someone gain weight in the hospital is to put in a PEG tube (feeding tube) and there is no way they are doing that to my baby. If you were to look at my baby, he doesn't look ill. He doesn't even look too small. He looks like a healthy, curious, bouncing off the walls baby boy. Its only when you look at his stats that make you say he is too small. He is 19lbs and 18mths. He should be around 35lbs. I don't know what to think about it. HE has no mental retardation, no physical handicap, infact he is doing more mentally and physically then most children his age and has been since he was 12mths. He is steadily growing and learning new things.

There isn't much more to say about everything...I don't have the words.

Disappointed in discipline

2005-12-08T21:36:00.000-08:00

Two days ago I got written up at work twice. Yes, twice in one day...for little stupid things. Yesterday I got called into the D.O.N.'s office. I missed the bullet of suspension just by a hair. So the rest of the day I was just watching my p's and q's.

Well today while I was working I was thinking of how disappointed in myself I was for getting written up. All of my write ups have been for careless things. Things that I should have never missed. I have 5 to 6 write ups for things like that and I am still on my 3 month probation per new hires. My 3 months aren't up until Jan. 2nd.

I thought about how that reflected on my character. There was no excuses for gettting written up. I don't blame the ones that wrote me up, I blame myself. The reasoning of "I wasn't thinking" doesn't fly with me anymore. What it boils down to is...a lack of discipline. I don't have enough discipline to make sure that every detail of my job description is fufilled before its time for my shift to end. And if for some reason I am truly prevented from completing a task, then I should tell the charge nurse.

2005-12-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

The probable desicion is this...T will go to ATL for basic, AIT and training. Then once he is stationed he will have baby boy and I move down to where he is stationed.

We talked about it long and hard. I tried my best to see his point of veiw and he tried to see mine. I respect his thoughts and feelings about them so I won't bring them up here. After we both felt we said our peace.

I said, that I was not going anywhere and whatever he thought he needed to do, I know he would be great at it and support him in it. I told him a memory that I had with my father a long time ago, about jobs and money. And while it may seem like fairy tale thinking thats truly how I feel about it. And that I will always be his.

(Now for those that are thinking I should have never said that I will always be his...thats your opinion, its your right to disagree if you choose. However, don't discount and put aside how much I meant what I said.)

I teared up on him a couple times, but managed not to out and out cry. He told me he knew how hard that was for meto say it, and that he needed to hear me say that. He kissed my cheek, and I his and he just held me. Even though I didn't want him to go, I know that he is...I know that he will do wonderfully, I know that I will be there with him eventually. And everything will be as it should be. And if by chance it does not happen that way. Then God will have to give me that grace to let him go.

After I left I did cry...I cried because of what I said and how much I meant it. I literally thought in the car..."Girl, why didn't you cry and pout, scream no and make him stay? Why did you tell him it was ok?" The only answer I could tell myself was, "because I love him too much for him to stay where he isn't being challenged in life. I love him too much to want him to be miserable here. Because I love him too much to be selfish in this, and because I truly do mean it...if I said I didn't it would be a lie. And if for nothing else, I promised I would never lie to him"

If BCT is 9 weeks...and AIT is 9-24 weeks. Thats an 18 week min. and an 33 week max. So, 8 months....I can do that. It will be hard...but its doable.

2005-12-04T21:28:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a few days and I'm not really sure what to write. Well, I do but I don't know exactly how to say it. Apart of me is thinking, "This is my blog, you promised not to tip-toe around on it." The other part is thinking, "I really don't want to confrontation if my Mum reads this." Choices, choices.

I guess I could start out with how my weekend went.

Thursday night, T and I went to go get lil sister or which ever day it was that early in the morning. While we were driving home I made a ridiculous request...he didn't say no right away, said he would think about it. It wasn't the most considerate request and I really shouldn't have let it miff me when he didn't do it. To make it worse, I knew he would be sleep and trying to rest his knee, but called anyways and got even more upset when he didn't hide that he was miffed too. When I finally got my lunch break at work, I called and apolygized...or at least tried to. I didn't get that far in that conversation. He did tell me though, that he wanted met to get more sleep and not be running around all the time. That made my miff ease and when I was about to apolygize call lights came on from no where. So I had to go, even though it was my lunch break.

Friday night everyone on my floor at work was planning to go out to eat and play pool after work. I was going to go, but Tricci had already planned to go to a swingers club with her guy and some friends. (friends I don't associate with) She basically told me tough luck she was using the car and she was going to drop me straight home after work. I was cool, didn't say much about it. In the car on the way home she asked if I wanted to go with her... I politely declined but that really upset me. She knows I don't go to things like that. If she wanted to go, thats one thing... she knows how I feel about that and she is grown. So I felt like nothing should have been said. I came home, finished eating my dinner and talked to T on the phone. We talked a really long time.

We talked about why each of us was miffed and I finally got to apolygize. He didn't think it was that big of a deal and said he was only miffed because the phone kept ringing just when he would get to sleep and it was across the room, with his knee hurting he didn't go get it. After that we started talking about his job interveiws and plans for Christmas. Our usual "what if" ?s came up around 2am and finally around 3a he put both of us to bed.

Saturday, I took Mum to the library and little brother and baby boy to buy some school pants. Then the three of us and T went to the mall. It was nice, just passing the time. Little brother said he was excited to be spending some time with T, but then at the mall wandered off on his own for most of the time. The three of us ducked in and out of stores and talked about everything we could think of. Baby boy sat contently in his stroller and talked to the people passing by. We ran into some people from our highschool and talked to them a little bit. After saying goodbye we both laughed at not knowing their names and how they just assumed we were married and all that stuff. In the stores salespeople would crack us up. I guess we hadn't noticed it before. If they were male, they would talk to T but make sure they included me in the conversation. One guy was surprised when T asked me a question about a product and I knew more about it than the salesguy. If it was a female, she would talk to the both of us then ask me what I thought of it. She was shocked when I turned around and asked T what he thought of it. I don't know...I think he would look good in green but...as my famous saying goes..."Your the one who has to wear it, so you better like it...it doesn't matter if I do or not" The funny thing was, we weren't all mushy in the mall. We found little brother and got something to eat, then went to go pick up Mum.

After T went home, we started decorating the house for Christmas. While buying garland, I ran into T's cousin and his babies Momma, they have two beautiful girl's. I noticed them down the isle. But thinking that his cousin had only seen me twice, that he wouldn't remember me. His babies Momma, was in one of my senior classes and she never took the time to know me. When he saw me, he said, "Look theres C" she smiled but wanted to keep on walking. I said Hi to the both of them and asked how they were doing. He said they were fine and it was good to see me, as she was steadily trying to push the buggy. I reminded Mum who he was, he helped T move us into the apartment. He moved the dishes remember? She did and she waved bye.

Sunday morning, I went to get T's step-Mum from around the corner, her tire blew on her car. It was scary, it wasn't just a flat tire...the tread was coming off. I took her to work and then tried to head back to bed. I couldn't though. I think all I'm going to say on this post about it is that Mum and I didn't see eye to eye about going to church. I stayed home with baby boy and when they got back from church we finished decorating and ate dinner and watched Extreme Makeover:Home Edition.

Now, that everyone has gone to bed, I cleaned the kitchen, set the table with the china and picked up the floors. It finally feels like Christmas is coming. And even though, it will be my first Christmas without my family and that saddens me. I'm getting a little more excited about the time of year anyways. It been a couple Christamas' to get back excited about it. Last Christmas I was only excited because it was baby boy's first one. But the year before that we didn't even decorate anything. Now things are getting a little back to normal for this time of year.

Update on moving: It looks like the possiblities of moving to ATL, GA is getting greater. No def. decision yet...we are still talking everything over.

Baby Boy: He is himself again, running and playing. He is completely over his pneumonia!

2005-11-30T21:48:00.000-08:00

My serious blog for the day is about... DUN D-uh DUN!!!...I don't really have a topic. You know how we do this, its whatever topic comes to mind.

I have recently had a craving for classical music. Yes, a craving. I have been playing and replaying Mozart's "The Marriage of Figaro". Playing it in the house, in the car and in my mind. There is something about it so wonderfully complicated but simple. It makes my brain think harder, listen closer and follow more precisely. To listen so closely that you not only hear all the different parts and instruments but know the next note of each. Its addicting. I have gotten several stares from people in cars beside me. A mixed (they are thinking black) woman in her 20's bumpin classical just as loud as rap or r&b. It makes me laugh.

I have been thinking alot lately about "days". We all plan out our weeks, and our months. Saying tomorrow I'm going here and there. It never really crosses our mind that tomorrow may not come, we believe that it is automatically coming. Even Christains...we hide behind "Jesus is coming soon, not tomorrow". What would I have done today, if I knew that tomorrow wasn't coming, or truly believed that it wasn't garunteed? I wouldn't be saying, "I can't wait till Friday" or "I have to be at work at 2p tomorrow and get off at 11p" To me, its mind blowing. I could not put all the things I want to do in one day...but I have wasted so many days planning to do those things next week, or next year. How unsatified would my life have been if there was no tomorrow. It makes you think of how much of your day is filled with trivial things and how much more you could do without those things.

2005-11-30T05:13:00.000-08:00

Last night was wild....

I was supposed to cover for the 11p-7a shift till on of the other girl's got there. Then she came on time, so I went home. Now when I'm going to stay late, I call and let Mum and T know so they can look for me if something happens. So, I called T to let him know I wasn't staying at work. He said, ok get some rest and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Then at about 12 30a the phone rings, when I picked up it was T. His voice said something was seriously wrong. He explained that his sister was coming home on the bus last night and J was supposed to pick her up, but at the last minute changed his mind. I said, ok and put some clothes on. I stopped to get T and we went to go get his sister. She just turned 18 a few weeks ago. She had gone to ATL on a trip to see her boyfriend. T was angry because his best friend left his little sister stranded and he knew his knee was hurt and he couldn't go get her. He was also upset from the lack of communication from his sister, he didn't want her to go in the first place.

So we finally got to the bus station...T went in to get her but she wasn't there. That worried him alot. The attendant said the next bus was @ 3a. T comes back to the car, calling everyone he can think of to find where his sister went. Still she was no where to be found. I then asked if he had checked the bathroom for her, and when he said he didn't I went to go look. She wasn't there either. Then I talked to another attendant and he said she was never there, not on the bus, and there was no baggage for her. She might have missed her connection in Dallas. So we went back to the car. It was 1 15a and still no little sister. His Mum was hysterical, and J wouldn't answer his phone. J's girlfriend tried to defend him, then we heard in the background..."I don't care if she stays there all night or not" that made T really upset. His best friend for years...like Tricci and I, said he didn't care.

As we drove I noticed the car was almost on empty. I didn't say anything but just quietly said, "Ok God you can't let us not have gas this late at night. We have to find little sister." Then the next time I looked at the gauge...no lie....there was over a 1/4 tank in there. Before it was on E.

So then we got hungry, and went to Mickey D's after we ordered and pulled up the teller said it was cash only. Niether of us had any cash, T was going to use his card. She smiled and said its ok, I'm going to give it to you anyways. She brought us the food and we thanked her about 10 times and left. We ate and talked while waiting for the bus.

Then We waited till 3a...

Then T gets a call from his little sister and where was she?

In Jackson, Mississippi....waiting on another connection. We were out there for nothing. She won't be back till 7p tonight.

So, we drove back home. T was a more than a little upset with J and said he didn't like having me out that late at night. We talked on the way back home and I talked to his Mum. She had calmed down a little bit and thanked me for getting up and being there.

When we got to his house, I got out to get my hug and kiss. He kissed my forehead and told me how beautiful I am, and how much he love me. Then for some reason he looked up and it was perfectly clear, all the stars seemed really bright. He stood there looking at them for a couple minutes just holding each other. It was really nice. I know him, and when he is angry its not easy for him to turn it off just like that. He has to process it. And the fact that little sister isn't home yet, makes it that uch harder to process. Yet he still took the time to love on me and be gentle with me. I notice little things like that. I told him so, and that I appreciated it. He chuckled and then got really serious..."Babe, drive SAFE. Go straight home its late." I laughed at the abrupt end to all the mushy stuff. I said I would drive safe and got straight to bed. Then kissed his cheek and left.

Its always funny to me how its so natural for him to be that way with me. I guess I always thought men were different. And while I know not all men are this way, or not this way. It still surprises me.