T and I have been talking a lot about "being healthy" He is concerned that I haven't lost all my pregnancy weight, among other things. Things that I think are valid points.

For me its more than just exercising or watching what I eat. If it was just about that, the weight would have been off months ago. I love to workout and I have made a habit of eating salads, otherwise I don't eat a whole lot either.

Its the unwanted attention. I have had breasts since the 4th grade. My first bra was a C cup. I will always be heavy chested. I remember thinking when I was in middle school, "If my stomach gets big, they won't notice my chest. They will leave me alone." I received a lot of unwanted attention by guys growing up. I also got attention from girls. One girl told everyone in my class that I purposely wore bras that were too small. My chest got bigger and bigger, I had 3 different cup sizes in one school year. So I let my stomach get bigger and bigger with it. By the time I got to highschool, it was just something to deal with. My senior year in school, I finally decided it was time to let that all go and be me. I lost over 45 lbs. Just when I started to feel comfortable with myself and my clothes, I began receiving that unwanted attention again.

In college, it continued and I couldn't handle it.

Now, Im afraid of what will happen if I lose the weight. I don't want that kind of attention again. As much as I would like it, I can't have a pocket bodyguard to beat down anyone who didn't stop when I asked the first time. Passersby, I can ignore...but when they are in my face, thats another story.

So before i can loose any weight...i have to tackle this issue first.

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Today I was watching a show about OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) I had no idea it could be so vary so much. The ritualizing or small things....thats wild. At first I thought, just do it already...it doesn't matter how many times you touch something. Then I thought about how I have used rituals like that in my life to relax. I think at times we all do, something that could be labeled as OCD. For me its pulling the split ends of my hair, or sometimes a hair that just doesn't feel right. I have been doing that for a couple years now. My Mum and friends can't stand it. Anyways, I thought it was an interesting show. We all have a psychosis...all of us.