!Cumpleanos Feliz por mi Mama y mi Tia!

!Cuarenta y tres!




The above means - Happy Birthday! To my Mum and my Aunt!
(They are now) 43!

America

So in between trips to the church I was eating my lunch while baby boy slept and there was this interesting show on. This man was talking about the United States of America and its relationship with God. He made some rather intersting points... Our dollar bill has Annuit Cceptis and Novus Ordo Seclorum printed on the back of it. It means, "God has favored our undertaking" and "a new order has begun" http://www.ponyexpress.net/~rmcfall/one_dollar_bill.htm
Also our Declaration of Independance talks about God, and the Creator. http://www.archives.gov/national_archives_
experience/charters/declaration_transcript.html
Our Pledge of Allegiance is also something that is quiet interesting. Although it has been changed it definitly holds meaning. You can read the history of it here, and I encourage everyone to read it. http://www.homeofheroes.com/hallofheroes/1st_floor/flag/1bfc_pledge.html
The songs we sing,

My Country, 'Tis of Thee
words by Samuel F. Smith 1808-1895
1. My country,' tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing; land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrims' pride, from every mountainside let freedom ring!
2. My native country, thee, land of the noble free, thy name I love; I love thy rocks and rills, thy woods and templed hills; my heart with rapture thrills, like that above.
3. Let music swell the breeze, and ring from all the trees sweet freedom's song; let mortal tongues awake; let all that breathe partake; let rocks their silence break, the sound prolong.
4. Our fathers' God, to thee, author of liberty, to thee we sing; long may our land be bright with freedom's holy light; protect us by thy might, great God, our King.

God Bless America
words by Irving Berlin, 1918

Spoken Introduction: While the storm clouds gather far across the sea, Let us swear allegiance to a land that's free, Let us all be grateful for a land so fair, As we raise our voices in a solemn prayer.
: God bless America, land that I love Stand beside her and guide her Through the night with the light from above From the mountains To the prairies, To the ocean white with foam God bless America, My home sweet home. :

America the Beautiful
Katherine Lee Bates 1913

O beautiful for spacious skies, For amber waves of grain, For purple mountain majesties Above the fruited plain! America! America! God shed his grace on thee And crown thy good with brotherhood From sea to shining sea!
O beautiful for pilgrim feet Whose stern, impassioned stress A thoroughfare for freedom beat Across the wilderness! America! America! God mend thine every flaw, Confirm thy soul in self-control, Thy liberty in law!
O beautiful for heroes proved In liberating strife. Who more than self the country loved And mercy more than life! America! America! May God thy gold refine Till all success be nobleness And every gain divine!
O beautiful for patriot dream That sees beyond the years Thine alabaster cities gleam Undimmed by human tears! America! America! God shed his grace on thee And crown thy good with brotherhood From sea to shining sea!
O beautiful for halcyon skies, For amber waves of grain, For purple mountain majesties Above the enameled plain! America! America! God shed his grace on thee Till souls wax fair as earth and air And music-hearted sea!
O beautiful for pilgrims feet, Whose stern impassioned stress A thoroughfare for freedom beat Across the wilderness! America ! America ! God shed his grace on thee Till paths be wrought through wilds of thought By pilgrim foot and knee!
O beautiful for glory-tale Of liberating strife When once and twice, for man's avail Men lavished precious life ! America! America! God shed his grace on thee Till selfish gain no longer stain The banner of the free!
O beautiful for patriot dream That sees beyond the years Thine alabaster cities gleam Undimmed by human tears! America! America! God shed his grace on thee Till nobler men keep once again Thy whiter jubilee!

So it seems the very counrty that is trying to remove God from the lips of its citizens is a puzzlement. I have been thinking on this alot today in between the ducking and dodging. I aslo think it wise to look at the other side of the argument, if for nothing else to know what you are arguing against. Many questions come to mind. If the pilgrims came to America to be free which includes religious beliefs then why try to rope in people's beliefs now? Who says other beliefs are wrong or that the God mentioned is not the same one others believe in? Good questions in my opinion, however, wether there is a "rational" answer to it or not I still prefer to pledge my allegiance to a country under God, pray in school and not worry about who other's religions it interfers with.

Believe me, I know how intolerant that sounds. But its the way I feel and see things. Where do you draw the line at good and bad? Where do you say I won't cross over into those things, or I will participate in these?

Red Faced and Dodging/ America

Saturday we spent another 8 hours at the church preparing for Candy Land. All was going well, a few of us had gathered around a table to discuss the next scene and the decorations it would need. As we were talking I felt my milk let down, baby boy was asleep and there wasn't much I could do about it. If I woke him up he wouldn't eat it, and would just spray all over him. So I calmly thought "I have in nursing pads so its cool" Well evidently, it wasn't...

Yup you guessed it, slowly my shirt started to look like someone was pouring water down my shirt right where my nipples were. The worse part is I had no clue...none. I just happened to look down to draw a scene out and noticed the water works happen across my shirt. the two MEN standing in front of me, said nothing. If I could have seen my face I would probably have looked like someone shot me while telling a joke and you couldn't figure out if I was blushing, angry or laughing it off. I ran to the bathroom in mid-sentence of the discussion and just stood there. I didn't have a shirt to change into, I left the nursing pads in the diaper bag, beside the table full of people. I almost cried, I was sooooo very embarassed. I splashed water on my face and calmed down a bit to think. The best I could come up with was getting Baby boys blanket and wearin it as a backwards shawl. So thats what I did. Now you think the people would be gracious enough not to mention it, but I recieved no such luck. Comment after comment was made and I'm sure my face burned with an awkwardness. One person said it was a beautiful thing and that I shouldn't hide it and to take off the blanket. Now if that didn't make me feel even more awkward I don't know what would have. I kept it on, I know its natural, but you also don't walk around and see mother's wearing dripping shirts either. Baby boy woke up soon after my shirt was soaked, go figure. However, to my surprise there was still plenty left for him to get full on and even more for my shirt to soak up again. Is there such a thing as faulty nursing pads?!? So today I wore a tank, and two shirts to keep from leaking everywhere... and guess what... it still leaked through. Oye! there were less people there this time to witness the display but still enough to flush my face, and make me duck and dodge to the bathroom.

???

I wrote previously that my dad was leaving tomorrow for Florida. Well I didn't write that he wanted to take the kids out for a good-bye dinner. I debated over going, and in talking to Mum she said I needed to do what was right for me. Another friend made the comment I would regret it, if I didn't go. So I decided to go. I left baby boy at home with his Nana and headed out. In the parking lot I was hit with, Oh by the way there is a Moon reunion this weekend, can we stop back by and get Baby boy, it will be 5 generations in the same room. Reluctantly I agreed. I know most of the people if not all of them, already had their preconcieved notions about me. Being Southerners they kept their mouth shut but let the disapproving eye loose. But I didn't go for them, I went for me and baby boy's sake. I would love to see the day I had 5 generations after me. I would love to be able to tell baby boy when he gets older that he saw his great-great grandmother. So after dinner we swung back by and picked up baby boy. Mum was dissappointed in my choice I guess. She has hardly said two words since we got back. Anyways, we stood quietly in a corner while a bunch of old confederate whiteys talked about the weather in Texas vs. Georgia and who had driven the most miles. We took a picture of the generations and I smiled, let them have their few polite words and said goodnight. Lovely evening, well it went alot smoother than I had thought it would and I'm still living. I can't control the bad judgements of others and I have to start being confident in the person I am sometime. I can honestly smile and be glad I went, if I hadn't I would have regretted it.

Grandfather Grandfather

I have been givin the chance to contact my grandfather. I can't even remember the last time I saw him. It has been at least 7 years. So much has happened since then. Goodness, he doesn't even know he is a Great-Grand. Much less that I even graduated highschool, he doesn't even know I attended.

Some background....

He is biologically my step-grandfather, but has always been Grandpa to me. Where there has been ill feelings with other family members, he has always been nice to me, my brothers and my mum. One of my fondest memories of him, was when we all lived together. I remember him playing with us and laughing with us all the time. Later I was told he even played with us after he had arm surgery and wasn't supposed to lift us. He had gotten in a bad accident and the muscles in his arm was torn apart, they had to replace it with some leg muscles. However, he slipped out of our lives when my grandparents on my dad's side got divorced. I tried to get his address out of my dad to invite him to my graduation but I was given a stern no and that was that.

But now I have it in my hands. I have no clue where to start my letter. He meant alot to me and its hard to just pick up and act like nothing happened, although i'm sure he would understand i was a child and had no say in the matter. So still what do I say?

Its Thursday, and in two short days my father leaves for the sunny state of Florida. He asked me if I would come see him sometime, I told him that I didn't really want to, but time might change that. I'm not angry with him, or resent him but its another thing to see him happy. But I am working on that.

Baby boy is now 14lbs and 4oz. He is in the 50% for weight and 75% for height. He is 26in. We went to go get his immunizations on Tuesday. They gave him 3 immuni. and a sickle cell test. And of all the people to give it to him, a student nurse had to do it. I'm all for nurses learning, but not on my son. She made the experience far more traumatic then it needed to be and it took everything in me not to grab the needle and do it myself, giving her a lecture in the process. The lab person made the sickle cell test harder than t had to be also. She looked at both arms twice, stuck him in one arm and didn't get any blood and when I told her that was enough and took him out of the little strap thing they had him in, she got an attitude with me. Kiya went with me, and her going to school to be an RN she laid into the woman. Telling her all the things she did wrong. It was kind of funny, but I was more concerned that the test wasn't done yet and he was in obvious pain. Just after I had calmed him down, she came back saying she could do a finger stick to get the blood. I agreed, but told her I would hold him while she did it. It worked well that way and the test was done. I know as the mother your supposed to stay calm and that the child will take his cues from you. But its hard to watch a stranger hurt your child more than is needed.

Two days later, he is still a bit grumpy about it and it took forever and a day to get him to sleep this afternoon. So I jumped into a swimsuit and let him play in the shower till he calmed down. Then he nursed and cried and grunted himself to sleep still suckling. He's alseep now in his crib. YAY!

Siblings are funny, I remember back in the day if I brought home a "C" I would get the spanking of my life, restrictions and whatever else my parents could think of to make my life miserable, and the lesson learned. But the young-ins growin up, bring home "F" and more than one. He gets a lecture. Well I guess things change, there is really no point in fussin about it, I'm not his parent. I wish I could get him to realize though just what he is missin out on. However, it has made me see the change in attitude I have had over the years. If I could learn to be better at it, I think submission does me a world of good, and the past year has learned me alot. Made mistakes I can't take back, hurt people that never needed to be hurt. Burned bridges I had no right burning, and now its too late to look back and want on the other side. Maybe one day, I will learn my lesson before I realize the consequences are too high of a price to pay.

Jumbled Mess

My last post was kind of difficult to read, but it did make me smile to know that someone tried to read it. I was going to post the english but I suppose there is a safety behind the words that can't be understood. It was nothing bad of course. Just my thoughts on being a missionary, hence the languages. And oddly enough translating it back to english leaves it all jumbled. If you would like to piece it together here it is.

I feel like drawn insano, wire drawing to collect my son and to leave the world that I know. In order to leave in the world and to see what has the God so that it does. I do not believe that the God finishes bringing this distant spot to leave to me me. It has not put in me desires of my heart so that he does not pay attention to them. The God gave these gifts me for a reason, to glorify it and to magnify, to exhalt he to all the nations of the world. Desire to go, I say to people of its quality. Demuéstrele the love of the God. I cannot let it go, I have tried. I cannot sacudarir it, and aside from me deeply within calls to me, I request myself to that it obeys.

And honestly, the other two languages are Finnish and Thai. I can't remember where I translated them, but it was more of the same as above.

The thoughts posted probably weren't that clear to begin with. You of all people know how jumbled my thoughts are most of the time. I look forward to hearing from you soon, and maybe seeing a new post of your blog? yes, I look it up everyday.

Me siento insano dibujado, tirado para recolectar a mi hijo y para dejar el mundo que sé. Para salir en el mundo y ver lo que tiene el dios para que haga. No creo que el dios acaba de traerme esto lejos para dejarme. Él no ha puesto en mí los deseos de mi corazón para que no haga caso de ellos. El dios me dio estos regalos por una razón, de glorificarlo y de magnificar, al exhalt él a todas las naciones del mundo. Deseo ir, digo a gente de su calidad. Demuéstrele el amor del dios. No puedo dejarlo ir, yo he intentado. No puedo sacudarirlo, y aparte de mí profundamente dentro de llamadas a mí, me pido a que obedezca.

Ei , I-KIRJAIN ajaa ei haluta jotta erota minun heimo , eli lohduttaa -lta Amerikka , ainoastaan Jumala ansaita jotta olla noudattaa. Hän has valmis joten hyvin ajaksi we , I-KIRJAIN kanisteri ei erottaa hänelle ei. I-KIRJAIN ajaa ei osata kuinka jotta aikaansaada nyt kuluva , I-KIRJAIN kanisteri ei kotona minun oma kesto. Nyt kuluva jälkisäädös ajaa aivan -lta minun kunniasana ja holhous kotona hänelle. I-KIRJAIN arvella hän jälkisäädös hiippakunta we alusta loppuun , hän has ei antaa we heittää joten l;. Hän jälkisäädös ei antaa we heittää kotona tuleva. Hän has aie -lta eloisa tuleva ajaksi we , ja minun poika , ja minun aviomies. I-KIRJAIN jälkisäädös olla nainen -lta Jumala hän has vieras we jotta olla. I-KIRJAIN jälkisäädös olla hoivata äidin tavoin ja aviovaimo hän has vieras we jotta olla. I-KIRJAIN jälkisäädös ajaa hänelle aikaa -nsa sana , I-KIRJAIN olen -nsa jotta ajaa avulla koska hän haluta.

ako asahan diyos nasain isagawa ito di kagulatgulat at mapag-himala ways. dahil sa diyos ay ang diyos o di-pangkaraniwan bagay. wala ay di-maaari kumuha diyos , dahil sa diyos o di diyos. ako tawagin kanya banal at sumuko ang aking sarili sa kanya at kanya ways. akin buhay ay hindi akin mag-ari , ako nasain lumakad saan siya magpadala , at gumawa ano siya says. pagayon gumawa hindi maaari gulatin kung ingles does hindi humarap sa akin blog gaya marami anymore. diyan ay something sa wika atipan ng pawid hawakan a malaki mahati ng ano ako ay supposed sa gumawa. kailan ako mapulot lumitaw , ako nasain pahintulutan ka malaman.

Ridin the Wave

I'm still ridin the wave of peace from this weekend. The things around me haven't changed much, just me. Everything bad pretty much just rolls off my back and I smile. I have no intentions of taking the wieght of those problems back.

Tonight at church, www.fhchurch.org I continued in the Mentor Path classes. Tonights class was on Discovering Gifts. At the end of the class we were givin a assesment sheet to help us discover of gifts and graces for the ministry. I answered the 125 questions and these were my answers

Dominate Gifts

1. Missionary 1Corinthians 9:19 - 23 ; Acts 13:2 - 3
2. Music 2Kings 3:15 ; 2Chronicles 5:13
3. Helps 1Corinthians 12:28 ; Romans 16:1 and 2

Subordinate Gifts

4. Service Romans 12:7 ; Acts 6:1 - 7
5. Exhortation Romans 12:8 ,1 ; 1Timothy 4:13
6. Giving Romans 12:8 ; Mark 12:41 - 44

So, now that I know my gifts what do I do? I'm sure in time I will find out.


A comment was made by Judgement from my last post. I wish him every happiness and smile at his ability to wish it to me. If anybody gets the chance to know him, you would be lucky.

Tailor Made Weekend

This weekend has changed my life. I know God truly does speak and meets you where you are. It may not be obvious here just how much I struggled with daily life. On Saturday, I was busy making copies for Candy Land and one of the members approached me and asked me several blunt questions and then told me that they could see the hurt in my eyes. I was very weary at what they were saying. I of all people knew just how much I hurt. They continued to tell me that God can only advance you as far as your sore spot. Also, that I did not want to pass down those same sore spots to my son, to which I agreed. They told me I can't give my life to God and then hold back that sore part of me. I thought on it alot that night, I revisited everything that had made me so sore. I was dying inside, and I knew I couldn't take much more.

I kept mulling this over in my head and my heart. I knew I would have to come to grips with some kind of solution and soon. One would leave me broken and bruised forever and the other choice just seemed too hard. However, I knew I had to forgive, let things go and trust God with them. So, I let myself open to the idea of trusting God with everything, even the sore spots.


Then on Sunday morning, a man by the name of Christopher Alam came to our church and preached about the love of God, and about having faith and how God is a BIG God. He showed us a video clip of a crusade he led in Zambia. Millions of people there, wheelchairs empty on stage....children dancing when they couldn't walk before. Something went off on the inside of me. A realization that God is big, miracles are an everyday occurance for God. Then the whole crowd started shouting "Lift Jesus higher!" and they broke out dancing and smiling, laughing and rejoicing. I wept, I had such a joy and an overwhelming presence of God.

THE SAME GOD THAT DID THOSE MIRACLES IN AFRICA, CAN AND WILL DO THEM ANYWHERE!

I sat there with tears streaming down my face and silently told God I would let it go, everything was in his hands and I wasn't taking it back. And I meant it. I let it go, I feel so much better about life. I don't feel heavy, I don't feel worried or fearful. I can walk in love and not resentment or hate. I got my miracle, my breakthrough. I am a changed woman, a whole woman. My faith is built up and I can see things clearly now.

I was greatly blessed by that, and for the first time in my life; I lifted my hands and poured my heart out to him singing and praising him. I don't know who saw, or noticed and I don't care. I'm just estatic that God came through for me, and expect he will everytime. HIs word does not return to him void.

Curly Purple Heart

Pink Ivory

Mexican Cocobloco

I was amazed to find out that even wood is beautiful, I had no idea that God took such time and creativity with something that seems so small and insignificant. It really blows my mind and these wood pieces are so extraordinary in my opinion, so I thought I would share them.

The Blind Walk Continues

First let me say my life is not all doom and gloom, there are several things that keep me going. One being my son, he talks, squaks and squeals and its so funny to watch and play with him. I love being his mother. Second, being the few friends and supportive family that I do have rallying behind me. I take great comfort in them. However, I need to work out my thoughts and here seems as good a place as any.

So I got an e-mail from my father, why he couldn't pick up the phone I don't know. Anyway, in this e-mail he proceeded to talk about all the blessings God has brought his way since he left us. Well, scratch that, since he left my mum at least thats what the counselor says. So it has me thinking. Does God bless those who go against him? Here I was always believing that God blesses those who are doing his will. Maybe I am wrong, but so does that mean that my father was really supposed to leave? And if so does that mean that God made him gay? That would mean not only am I a bad Christian, which I get that feeling anyway, then I'm going against God's will.

Oh Jesus give me strength.

Today isn't much better than yesterday. The facts have sunk in a bit more and I am completely beside myelf. I want to scream and inside I am, but to let it out wouldn't do anything.

People choose all the time to do what makes them happy, so why does it bother me so when my dad chooses what makes him happy? Or my brother for the matter, which is a whole new topic.

K, here goes. My brother is 14 months younger than me. Before my son, we got along great. Now all I hear from him is how bad of a mother I am. Now to be honest, I'm not perfect I never will be (realizing that really popped my bubble) but I do not and have not in any way put my son in danger. I'm the one who feeds him, changes him, soothes him, tries my best to keep him healthy and happy. However, all my brother sees is that I'm a bad mother. Which really if he is being honest, he is just trying to make my life more complicated cause he is trying to manipulate the situation but hey I think to some degree in at least one situation we all do.

So, I thought maybe I could talk to him about it and see what in his eyes I could do to change that. His solve all answer was, not to be on the computer. Now what would that solve? Well that would give him free reign of the computer. Now tell me how that would make me a better mother? Needless to say that left me very confused and frustrated. My son lacks for nothing, he is a very happy baby and hardly cries at all. Granted there are times I could have used more paitence, and times I have just wanted to go to sleep. But those are thoughts that pass and I have never lost my temper with my son. I have never hit, shook or yelled at my son. If he has ever been hurt by me it was on accident when I tripped and ran into the wall carrying him.

I know I'm not the best mother to walk the Earth...so what is it that my brother sees that is so horrible? There must be something, I'm not so naieve to think that there is nothing I am doing wrong. I just want to be told, and for that matter told in love and not just treated like crap. I can handle the truth if I am told in love. But it only leaves me confused when I don't get a straight answer and leaves me hurt when its yelled across the house at me among curses and slamming doors or shoves and hisses.

He feels what I do on here is crap, I know that much...and despite my attempts to tell him he still holds his resolve. Actually thats what made me stop blogging in the first place. I gave all of my family the address and asked them to read it but they didn't, were to busy I think was the excuse. So when I took it off they could have cared less.

I am alll for second chances and beter communication so I guess thats why I started over again. I would love for them to get to know me.

So ok, I guess the big thing to talk about is this....homosexuality.

Where do you draw the line? How do you accept things like this? Is it right or wrong? How am I not supposed to be judgemental?

K, So I decided I'm not going to dance around the bush on here. My dad recently turned homosexual....righhhhhht. Well he says he has always been, just that he was hiding it. So he ups and leaves one day refusing to come back. So now I am torn. Being a Christian would say don't judge and that is between him and God. Being a daughter, I am devastated, crushed and horrified that my family has fallen apart. Being a mother, I honestly feel like I don't want my son around him.

The hardest part, I still love him so very much as my father, but I miss the man he use to be.

So yeah, I'm having a hard time with it, if you couldn't tell. On one hand I want to hug him and say it will be ok. On the other I want to shake him and ask him what caused him to loss his ever lovin mind and in the distance between I'm so confused I don't know what I want or how to express that. I see how hurt my family is over this and it makes me sick.

I'm the little girl that use to say "I don't care if we live in a shack with no food as long as we are together." So you can imagine the time I am having with this. And being frank, if I don't "accept" this am I judging him? Or if I "accept" it am I not standing up for what I believe?

Now as if that wasn't enough...he just told us he and his "friend" are moving to Florida. So what kind of relationship can we even have with each other if he is in Florida? That really makes me feel like counseling was a waste of time, tears and effort. So what do I say to the man now? He knows I want my dad back, he knows I don't believe him when he says he is gay. He knows how I feel about the right and wrong thing....but nothing is changing.

NOTHING!!!!

I wonder how obvious my frustration is?

Starting Over

I'm starting over, I got discouraged and very frustrated with this blog. Today is a new day though and I will give it another try.